At last I feel that I have made a breakthrough. It would seem that I am able to see the heralding of a new dawn in my growth. The sun is rising upon the cornfield of my existence, and I bow at it`s beauty.
For a long time I have been banging on about alchemy, & my own personal introspective views on personal growth. My absolute passion has been to continue on, at all costs, until I found a place within that I could call my own. A place that would truly reflect, from the inside out, a true representation of who I really am. I always knew at some stage I would come across this mystical place within me that has been written & spoken about by everyone from Jung to Mercurious. The magical stage, the ancient ones spoke of, is Solutio. This a magical dawning that is upon me now.
The magic & fascination of this stage has taken on mythical proportions within me over the years. I kind of omnipotent precedent that only appeared in my dreams, or the odd feeling or apparition, just to keep me lusting after it. At times I have thought I was actually there, only to realise that I was not, not even near it. Thanks to the guide books by the Masters though, I was able to loosely guide my course upon their divination's so as to notice it when it would inevitably arrive.
A strange, almost ethereal, feeling gently crept upon me last Friday while I walked & lied down upon Putney Common. Being aware, & intrigued, more so than ever before, by visions, I paid much more attention to these ones. As I sat by myself watching the grass & the oak trees, I begun to see my grandfathers face in my vision. Just his face staring at me, smiling, with his glasses on & the little moustache he would wear. Then almost immediately I saw a babies face enter my peripheral, very sweet & very intense. Just staring, all rounded & plumpy. Yet, all the while noticing a red patch around the little face. My grandfather just continued watching us, smiling. I was perturbed to say the least, but only by the red shape & not by anything else. It sort of reminded me of passion, lust & anger all rolled into one. I really was flummoxed by all this strong imagery, & love. Only recently had I noted in my journal how extremely influenced I had been by Charles, my grandfather. I loved him dearly, & cared a lot about this man, as he did about me. He even named me. Taught me to play good chess & how to behave appropriately in public. He was an educated , complex, & cultured man.
All this malarkey put me in mind of better quality things that are now entering my life. Everything from feelings about myself, the quality of friends & interactions with others, my pastimes, ability to focus & take in much more quality information, & also now work opportunities. Everything, in fact. Only today did I receive a fantastic opportunity that would enable me to utilise my skill base effectively, well had it come to me under better circumstances, it would, I am sure, but it was fantastic to of been asked. So stumbling upon this new state of mind I began to realise big changes that had been taking place subtly over the previous months. I suddenly realised that I had matured, but beyond all recognition. A wave of euphoria entered my psyche & I begun to really understand my true place in life & that I had always had the ability to attract the best to me, yet did not. Immediately I began to experience sadness, My sadness that it was only I that had stopped any consistent highbrow living attracting itself to me. This sadness at realising &, then understanding, what I done to myself, made me feel a desperate need to stay away from others. Which I knew was not a new sensation, but a very old & very horrible one that had resided in me since I could remember. And while sitting on the Common, alone thinking, I began to see a deeper, more profound, but so real genuine image of myself, & what has happened.
Progression, self-improvement, & learning meant being with others. I stayed away from all that. Because I did not want to be bothered by anyone. Firstly as a boy at school, but then, more darkly, as I grew older. Although, there was a respite from this darkness, & need to be alone, when I moved into my own accommodation, in Chelsea. That period has until now been the highlight of my life. You see, I did not want to be around others when I was younger. Why ? An over-bearing mother & absent father. Parents that put little emphasis on my intellectual pursuit, & future. My parents put little emphasis upon encouragement. To be around them one had to be all singing & all dancing, & pretend to be happy. It all became too much so I stayed away from having to move forward & into other arenas that involved people. I wanted to be a recluse & learn, just as long as it was quiet. Although what I have realised recently is that my mothers influence has grown deep & long into me, but the water of her feminine has begun to dry out, leaving the way for my own buried masculine, or autonomy, to begin rising up towards the sun. For so long I have stayed under the formidable cloud of this woman, relying on her for protection & support. The problem lay in that she is reclusive herself, suffers from depression, & has chronic low self esteem issues, that keeps her in a carapace of denial. However she has been the closet person to me, then & now. My own lack of social interaction, & normality within the workplace has kept me a virtual prisoner here where I live. When opportunities have come I have grown terrified & pushed them away. It is also true that I have not felt ready to take on the responsibilities of the offering, & in the case today, it was something that I wanted to do as it was an involvement with the Olympics, but I felt it was a poisoned chalice as it had been offered to too many people beforehand, which kind of took the sheen off the opportunity. This has taught me that I have come far from my training at Hendon, where, at the beginning I felt so vulnerable at the environment I was suddenly in. I felt emotionally equipped to embrace Policing as my career path, but struggled to understand the environment, it was alien to me. I simply needed to talk to a sympathetic ear about my lack of confidence at this transformation. When I did eventually find my equilibrium, I had caused problems for myself. Then what small confidence I did have was completely obliterated by the treatment applied to me by my superiors. Now I know wholeheartedly Policing is what I am supposed to be doing it is difficult for me not to be able to do it.
Many apparitions have presented themselves to me over the last few days due to this new sensation taking place. I saw one recently of myself waking up & taking the helm of the yacht, a woman had been steering for me, while I slept. She had done this as I was incapable of doing it myself, as I was too ill. She was relieved that I had awoken, at last. So, after I woke up properly, & then refreshed myself, I was able to take over the steering of the yacht. She then relaxed & went to sleep.
It was night time, & outside it was warm & calm. The moon glistened, while I sat quietly gently steering, sipping on a whiskey & watching my course. All the while considering what would now come in & take the place of the little activity that had been around me for so long. I thought of the times when I did wake for short periods. Then I would go off & bring a little money & vitality in for myself, just to give this lady a break, then I would simply have to return back to my sick-bed - Nigredo. Never knowing when it would clear out enough for me to be able function in the world again, as so much damage had been done by the past. The thought of continually working, meeting someone, perhaps a child, either biologically, or otherwise, was never an option. At this stage, in the far distance, I begun to notice little lights, just shimmering away. As I looked up I could see that they were coming nearer. Then there was a large ship coming into to my immediate vision, but upon it there was a solemnity taking place. Streamers festooned out all over the place, balloons, food & drink, & music, blasting away. Then as the people waved & blew horns in my direction they beckoned for me to come aboard & threw down a rope ladder. I awoke the woman, & we clambered aboard, we appreciated all this fun, as we had been alone for sometime, especially her. Then I realised that the solemnity was in aid of me. Food & drink was offered, & I heartily dug in. Someone pointed to the night sky, & as I looked up I could see the most amazing sight, that of the Lord of Universe- Krishna, himself, sat on a cloud above the whole phenomenal episode, smiling in my direction, & all the while, playing his flute. He threw down a kind of glitter in front of the ship. I sat down & smiled, feeling safe. I knew no harm could I do to myself any longer. I knew that I no longer needed to hang onto habits that caused fear, & not to trust interaction with others.
As I sat there alone whilst everyone danced & enjoyed themselves the Police came on board. Two Officers, man & a woman ( opposites- Ying Yang ), brought my uniform. They were smiling & seemed pleasant people. They were happy for me. They were proud that I was to where the same uniform as them. I signed some forms. Then they shook my hand & left. after this lovely image, I felt there was nothing more that I wanted to do other than lean over the edge & smile in the direction of my Lord Krishna, knowing that this symbolism meant one thing only; that I had at last out-grown all need of another person, the last big issue of attachment to parental influence; mother. Now I knew that I had found myself, my autonomy. I had, at long last, matured. Through perseverance I had got through that awful, life-killing stage of Nigredo. I had at last found my own voice.
Through this powerful, formidable, imagery, I can see growth, & masculinity entering my life. I think now I can begin looking at who I really am as a person. I was not authentic due to my influences, & then Nigredo lost me, willed me to lose & kill off the fake me, through the darkness. This then would give me the space to find autonomy.
Perhaps now I will see this space filled with the imagery played out on the ship ?
We cannot live without the power of metaphor to describe our transformations, & re-births. It is essential that we use.
Thank you for reading my blog.
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