SPIRITUALITY & THE HIGHER SELF

 What would you do if you had reason to believe that you had heard from a more evolved higher intelligence than your own ? I do not mean someone who has a deeper, or more profound knowledge than the average man, like a nuclear physicist, nor am I discussing a person who speaks with great authority on a certain subject, that many others know little about. The type of intelligence I am suggesting here is a sort of extra-terrestrial intelligence. One that seems far superior to ours, but in a manner that is very subtle, not at all like our, collectively speaking, border-line aggressive, egotistical style of knowledge, that we have become so used to flaunting, especially here in the West. Now, it is important for me to emphasise at this stage of my essay that I really do not think that what I am discussing here are spacemen from other galaxies communicating, as the media influenced environment would have us believe, but a more refined, highly evolved state of affairs, that would suggest that the source of communication is my own higher-self. I am also mindful of not being taken seriously by my readers, & perhaps losing them, so I am appealing to you in the strongest sense my integrity can offer you, for an empathic ear. Now let`s get right down to the facts of what has happened.

 As I was taking my daily meditation, which I have done pretty much every day for the last 12 years, I had a white mist suddenly appear in front of my eyes, & within the mist was a face, I can only describe it as extra-terrestrial, not dissimilar to the classic space figures with the almond shaped head, etc. But this one was a dark colour, & his faced moved as he spoke, although the only feature upon his face were his eyes. Just great bulging, extra large almond shaped things, so dark, black, in fact. The image of the face, would not allow another lesser pronounced face get too close to me, but there was certainly another behind it. I sensed that this was a woman, but naturally I could not be sure of such a thing. The image (s) were bathed in an ethereal type of haze as though they were in an old midday matinee from the 1940s. It was very strange, yet profoundly interesting, & comforting too. The voice begun by saying that they knew me well, & that all the visions, dreams & feelings that I had had over the years, since I was a little boy, about spacemen, were in fact true. They had indeed happened. Many times over the years since I was a child the space dreams I would have were lucid, & at times, scary, but according to this evolved being/projection everything had actually taken place between them & me. Yet, they found it comical that I could not bring myself to believe that all my dreams had actually taken place. I also asked a few things about my own life which incidentally has helped me understand certain things about myself.

 So, now let`s get right down to the bear facts of what has happened. A projection of my higher self onto a a martian was what I think it was. An archetype, Jungian concept is what the face is representing. It is this that came to me during my meditation last week. The image, along with the voice, was a more irrational, illogical, yet a somewhat loving image that spoke to me with such simplicity, & eloquence. Somewhat a true natured shadow would do. I am calling it a projection because that is how I have been trained to perceive such things. Things that are unfathomable to the conscious mind, must not be speculated upon in such theatrical ways, although it is tempting, & I rolling with my feelings on this right now. Perhaps things, like images & apparitions are just raw primal energy that must come up from the unconsciousness in their most primal way ? Somewhat like a facet of the shadow that resides in us all. After all I have been having dreams of spacemen since I was young. One could see flights of fancy, fear of abandonment, & good old escapism in my space dreams that enabled me to cope with the struggles that were my parents. Space travel could well of been my own personal symbolism making a representation to me for a free & clear run into the ether, or my own universe, but, ultimately away from them ? This is what space travel is to me, but am I missing the point with this analysis ? Am I over-complicating a very simple message from my higher-self, in vision representation ? what then happened was a profound discourse on the state of man & the universe.

  The image shared with me that man has lost his way in progressive thoughts & practises. That he has become emotionally degenerate since the days of our ancient forefathers, has brought his ambitions & self beliefs down to, at best mediocre standards. It told me that the reason man now does not have the mental ability to fathom out how, say Stonehenge, the Pyramids, or any of the other profound edifices throughout the world, were built, is because he has the lost his ability to utilise a part of the brain that was unaffected by the modern world. Over a long period of time we have become null & void. That the complexity  & profound power the brain once had has simply been cut off by him, because, like the dinosaurs, adapting to living on the land from water, & vica-verse, we have to adapted to not having to use powers that once we needed. Cut off from using the same amount of brain power our forefathers used to build the monolithic structures that are represented by pyramids & Stonehenge, amongst others. And now all man can do when faced with the problem of how the ancients built the things, is credit spacemen. Or else he gives up pondering the question all together. According to Jung, though this power would still be lurking about somewhere in the vast collective unconsciousness, frightened to make an appearance for fear of being ridiculed by society. If now the only way that man can try to make sense of his lost power is to attribute it to spacemen from another galaxy, which is certainly not the case, then it is time for him to begin re-connecting with it again. Man seems to of lost a massive amount of confidence in his own abilities since this period of time. He has given up on the self -confidence that enabled him to build the pyramids, & concentrated upon going into the offices, or building a house, all indicators that we still possess the skills, but have lost the need, & therefore the desire, to build such grandness. It would seem, with what my higher self was sharing with me, that man cannot achieve much beyond the state of the material, & that because of this lack of enthusiasm he does not believe that there is anything much beyond the material state worth fighting for. I actually thought, at the time, that this may have something to do with two world wars, & it`s tragic terrible legacy, that it has left upon the world, but it was not mentioned by the guest, so I never pursued  it. Although, it must be said that there was an immense level of understanding towards people in general.

 The voice, the image continued on in this vein for quite some time, after explaining to me that because I had asked for his help he had come to assist me, yet in my time it had taken three days, in his he had come immediately. Although I can tell you that I am not conscious of asking for it`s help, but it has indeed helped. The reason I was told that I was unable to remember was because I had actually asked for Gods help during  a chanting session last week. When I asked what on earth it meant; it went onto explain in more depth that as refined, intellectual person I had, after dedicating myself to integration, found a closeness to God, or in my case, the Universe. But people that do find God in their lives tend to stop there. They believe that is all there is, & that it is unnecessary to seek anything further. What I received, I was told, was a peek into the ether beyond God.  That when man gets to such a level of self-belief he can begin to see past God. He then is able to understand that God is actually the doorway through  back into our higher-selves. Our higher self, my understanding of it, is actually us. I was trying to understand that I was actually looking & conversing with myself as I will be when I go through the door God is offering by my belief in him. Which is belief in myself, ultimately. The face was mine in the future when I will be evolved enough to understand the universe more, or rather we as men, & women, will be able to comprehend our universe, as our forefathers did. As a race we begun highly evolved that we had the ability to build such monolithic structures as pyramids & Stonehenge without much trouble, although sweat & toil took it`s pound, the brain was still able to complete the task. Man today is still able to do such things, but does not know how to begin the task, or even find the ability to locate his lost power. We have degenerated from being awesome to something rather pitiful. A figment of our once glorious selves.

 Once this information had been passed the conversation was ended, quite abruptly. On the departure of this experience I was shown a medley of my previous dreams & visions concerning `space travellers `, which shocked me. I later saw that the whole experience had used up an hour of my time, when it seemed just a few minutes. Since then I have been pondering on what has happened to me, if anything at all. This is the reason I wanted to share it with you guys. It is as though we are, or I am, being watched over. Whether it is by actual extra terrestrials, one cannot say for certain, but perhaps this is somewhat missing the point  ?

 I have tried my hardest to hold onto Jungs concept of projection, whilst trying to percolate what I have experienced. It did shake me up a bit. Nay, more a deep penetrative nudge, which left upon my psyche, a profound, yet subtle, & indelible mark, that has yet to come to the fore. It has certainly left me asking more questions than it actually answered. But being a novice in these matters I have leant upon Jung for a more solid take on what I have been through, so as to try & make sense of it all.

 Jung actually wrote a book in the 1950s, on man`s need to witness UFO`s.` Flying Saucers `, the book was called, in honour of the visions that cannot be explained, that apparently fly around in the sky. However Jung`s angle was not actually Flying Saucers, but more the need that man has to see from the great sky ( as man always has done ) symbols of transformation. It is these symbols of transformation that have always come to the seeker as whole, circular, or symmetrical, in shape, but oddly never broken, or fragmented. Flying saucers have always being reported as rounded shapes. I have never heard, or read, of a UFO that has come through as fragmented or even disjointed, in any way. It would seem, according to Jung, that the shapes of the UFO`s are somewhat similar to Alchemical symbols, or even mandalas, that are prevalent in  Eastern philosophy, & Buddhism. I am sure that it would not surprise Jung to know that we have recently sent a super duper special rocket up to Mars to determine whether there is another race of peoples up there ? He would probably suggest that man should try & find his own unique power first before he goes off on another adventure, imposing his lack onto others.

 Like Jung, I am not trying to put across an argument for, or against, the possibility of extra-terrestrial civilisation, anywhere. Even if I were to of given that impression it was not my intention to do so. I do have opinions on this subject matter, but right now this is not the appropriate place for a blog of that nature. As I am not completely versed in the subject matter, & it would not be ethical of me to continue further along this vein, I shall not. Nor can I cannot hold my own adequately enough for a thorough discourse on the subject. There are far better thinkers on the subject than I, plus it is not my field. So I shall refrain from any further speculation on the matter, & keep it contained to my own small, yet profound experience of what happened to me during meditation last week.

  It is safe to say that I am not actually afraid, but proud that I was able to have such an experience with my higher self. It`s also fair to say due to my experience that I should now begin thinking seriously about practising opening up my mental abilities further now. If we have lost abilities that were once owned, then it would not be a bad idea to try & regain some of it, if not all. I mean if man constructed pyramids & Temples beyond our comprehension, why not try & fathom out a way to utilise a part of our brain that could do a modern equivalent, or use this mental power to bear upon our own lives, & bring about happiness ? Some atavistic strain that perhaps we could begin utilising again. To find the key that would open up this function function once again, & bring about real results, would be phenomenal. For if the image I had was real, the I that I was communicating with was myself from the future, & if the face behind God is ourselves, then we do indeed have far greater powers than we have given ourselves credit for.

 It would seem that we are living in a state of continual psychic deflation, or depression, to coin a modern phrase. We need pornography, alcohol, drugs, & all manner of cheap stimulants just to function. We can never realise our true potential whilst we are in this state because we are working so hard keeping away from it. We are desperate to conform to the modern pattern of success, & it this that simply brings about more unhappiness. It is this that has destroyed our will to thrive & be what we once were.

 One can get glimpses of a higher style of living, such as experiencing the immense feeling of pleasure one can derive from making life choices that change ones life for the better. Some may feel, as I have felt, great relief in becoming vegetarian. Another may feel that growing & learning to love another unconditionally, or enjoying a wonderful piece of music, is a move towards a higher form of living, & ultimately fully functionalism. Perhaps this is why when a man or a woman want something in their lives they utilise every last drop of energy in bringing about the desired result. It always happens, just as it did when a whole nation willed & prayed for a Temple to go up, it did. Why is that so difficult to understand ? It was the same for our ancestors, just on a much larger scale. He certainly was not obstructed by the societal restrictions that we are today hindered by, like money & materialism. The possibilities are endless, & I for one am beginning to embrace this higher form of living.

 Whatever contacted me I want to leave up to you to ponder.

THE FEMININE IN MUSIC

 What about love, & it`s immense part in music ? How many records have been written about love over the years. Pain as well. Music is such a passion & phenomenal outlet for so many people. An international, atavistic, language of the whole world community, maybe even travellers from other galaxies, who knows ?Music has given so much too so many, whether it is some new artist just starting out on their career, or a an old hand like Keith Richard, of the Rolling Stones, doing his thing. Music is the life force of everyone.

 Music for me has been around like an old friend since I was a boy. My mother used to allow me to listen to all her old 45s from the 1950s & 60s. She looked after them, so I in return treated them with the respect they deserved, & to this day I have them all cleaned up, & housed in clear plastic covers. One of my prized pieces is a Beatles rare ep, Helter Skelter. This, along with 400 other singles, live on a shelf of my 1960s Danish rosewood bureau, that sits in the corner of the lounge. Then behind my 1971 black swivel, lounge, writing chair is a wall of shelves especially built for my vinyl. It holds around 400 albums, from around 1957 through to the late 1990s. Music of such distinction as Tubby Hayes, the phenomenally under-rated British Jazz Saxophonist, & vibraphonist, who died far to young, in 1969, right up to the absolutely phenomenal Charles Bradley`s - No Time For Dreaming, a particular favourite of my soul buddy R, & Green On Red, another great band who never achieved the greatness they really deserved. Just a few of the other luminaries, I need to share with you that are in the collection, are Prince Buster, Buddy Miles, & The Beatles,a lot of Jazz, real hard bop, Blue Note, Riverside, & Verve. A real eclectic bag of great sounds, great labels, & great covers.

 Over these last few years I guess it`s easy to see that I am extremely proud of my record collection. It`s been like an old friend, especially over these last few years when things begun getting particularly trying for me, due to me stopping talking to my father. There has also been the personal alchemy I have chosen to dedicate a large portion of my life too. Through all this I have began to understand that I have been coming to terms with a sad fact; everything I have been doing has been alone. Although today I can give credit to my music for supporting me unconditionally through my transformation into maturity. As I have grown, & refined, through this process of integration, so has my choice of music.

 The musical refinement I speak of, has over the years, within me has transmogrified concurrently just as my emotional state has done. It is interesting to note that there are certain musical styles that have been a part of my collection for many, many years without me ever playing them, until now. I actually have records that have been in my possession for 25 years, which as a child I thought were boring, but can only now begin to enjoy them. That is profound, & I think more attention should be given to this. For it speaks volume about the state of my mind as a child, & youth. On some profound unconscious level knowing what would be good for me when I was older. Talk about the power of the Sub-conscious mind, it knew ! All this, while my ideas were forming. This is why I have always seen my record collection as essentially feminine in nature. It holds mysticism & beauty that cannot be consumed, or contained, but only accepted. It has to be appreciated for what it is, & that is an immense powerhouse of my own wisdom, that has been protecting & loving me.

 I think that it is this attitude that I have always sub-consciously applied to my music, & it in turn has enabled me to write about it in this appreciative way. Honouring my collection so ethereally is my own small way of showing it how much I have appreciated her helping & protecting me in this beautiful way. It has left an indelible mark upon me & I want to show my appreciation to it by writing a blog, or two, in honour of her.

 My introduction to music was by way of my mother. As a boy the impression her singles collection made upon me was profound. As I reminisce upon standing in front of the bathroom mirror, at the age of , I guess, around 10 years old, listening to Ritchie Valens screaming out , Ooh My Head, or Roy Orbison singing his own unique version of Mean Woman Blues, I can remember how fantastic the organic driving beast made me feel, so good, so masculine, better than the rest. I would play mothers Rock & Roll whenever I got the chance; before I went to school to fire me up, then again on my return. I was always up for more Rock & Roll. It swam through my veins whilst I grew up. My parents even bought me a little Dansette record player, with a couple of half decent speakers, well they were good enough for me to make out the sound of London American, or Pye International 45s, blasting away each morning, in my bedroom. I remember rushing back from school Friday afternoons, feeling ever so excited, because it was ` Peter Young`s Cruising 1950s & 60s radio show, which would start at 6pm, on the nose. Mother would have my tapes all ready, with the little radio, with the tape deck in it for recording the charts. Bang, I was away, taping all the songs, well, all of them except the Doo-Wop choices, which I hated. My fathers favourite sounds, incidentally. I was having none of that twee rubbish on my C-60 tapes. I still detest it now. Sometimes, to my sheer frustration I would have to go shopping to the supermarket for provisions with my parents, at the same time, the show was on, & I would miss out on taping the show. Although, they would put it on in the car for me, which could drive me mad, as whenever this would happen, it was usually one of Peter`s better Friday offerings. Talk about challenging times ! Fridays were the highlight of the week for me. I hunted high & low to try & find out what the introduction was to the show. Eventually though a friend of my fathers enlightened me; it was the phenomenal ` Stick Shift, by The Duels `. I was the happiest little boy in town knowing that one. It still takes a high position within the bowels of the collection in the Danish. Mr Young, would be very proud of me. He actually uses one of my vinyl record stores here in London for his shows. Although as yet I have not met him, but if I do, I will shake his hand, then thank him dearly for the level of quality sounds which led to experiences that have literally shaped my life. What that man provided for me me during my boyhood, was girls, confidence, & a form of masculinity, that is only known & understood by an 11 year old boy, growing up in Surrey, listening to the Chicago of the late 1950s. It`s indelible, & I hope to God that it always stays this way.

 As time wore on, I was still listening to the same genre of music, but this time I was utilising it to prepare me for dates after school with girls, or while putting on my best Saturday clothes to go for a walk around the record shops in my part of Surrey. What better way to boost ones confidence before a date, getting ready in the bathroom than having this playing. http://youtu.be/pAEbX5gY3QM , Enjoy !

 As my mother was unable to give quality advice when it came to girls, problems with others at school, or what aftershave to wear that girls would like, or could at least put them off the scent of my nervousness around them, my music was again the sage that stood in, & perked me up to form my own opinions & gain my own confidence. Yes, my sounds provided all the wise sage a young boy needed whilst growing up, & I was hungry for more of it.

 The trials & tribulations of an upbringing in the wilds of Surrey, left me in no doubt that the greasy rockers of the mid-late 1950s were my heroes. I adored the bikes, the big old cars, & of course, the girls. Christine, the Stephen King movie of the 1980s, where a young lad from the suburbs turns into a greasy 1950s Rock `n ` Roller, all arrogant, chewing gum, & smoking with long black brylcream`ed hair. He purchases an old 1958 Plymouth Fury, that needs work doing to it, does it up, & it later turns out that he has car that enjoys killing people, & transforming it`s owner into a throwback to that period, whilst blasting out ` Little Richard`s - Keep A Knockin` . Incredible stuff !It is profound how much of an impression my mothers records has had on my life. I expect that also the period interests me because it`s the time period the music originates from.

 To suggest that I have had no difficulties trying to understand my mothers relationship with me, would be wrong, but I can now see the trouble she has had over the years communicating with me, & it has been the music, her music that she has offered as an alternative to actual verbalisation. It was as if my mother had a notion that her records could substitute a warmth that she could not provide, that provoked her into accessing her record collection for me. I think it`s the exact same principle that allows her to enjoys paying a couple of bills for me each month. As I think back I can see how unaware they were of my intellectual needs. It`s obvious to me now how the music could, at times, take the pressure off her so that she would not have to open up any more than was necessary. It was a coping mechanism for her, & one that I enjoyed thoroughly. I was left alone to get on with it, & it grew to a mutual love relationship. My brother would get into it too, but I made it my own personal labyrinth really. Nobody, not even her, could get into a unique space I made my own, just between the records & I. That little bit of space was sacrosanct for me, & it grew. It has grown into who I am today.

 It show`s itself up no where more today than when I listen to the refined  power of Jazz. I can see that it was her that leaned me into my musical education. And, I guess, as she grew musically, I have followed the exact same path that she has. My father also helped, but he never left me records to `play with `. He never had any to leave me. It was my mother who left this wonderful legacy, & that I am still so proud of have on show. It has taken me a long time to refine myself to the point where I can really dig Jazz. It is such a heightened sense of modal sounds. As a child I could not fully appreciate Jazz as I do today. It was always the simpler direction of Rock & Roll, or Soul music, that I found far more applicable than the heady form of Jazz. The even more profound thing here is that it was her too, that introduced me to Jazz.

 She was the one that brought to my attention Tubby Hayes, who is my favourite Jazz musician, but only of late. When I used to see her Tubby records, I knew that I would not dig it, so did not even attempt such a thing. I remember trying once but had to turn it off as it did nothing for me. It bored me. Today I see Tubby as musically very far reaching, & so damn authentic in his playing, that it borders upon the spiritual, especially the formidable, slow burner of an album, Mexican Green, on Fontana, 1969. Yet it was my mother that brought this amazing artist to my attention originally as a boy. It is this concept that I am still struggling with.

 As a youth, my mother would go out of her way to see Tubby Hayes play, along with Ronnie Scott, & many other greats, at their club in Soho. She saw many more besides. In fact, a lot of Rock & Roll artists too, such as Eddie Cochran, Gene Vincent, & I have to add this here, for prosperity, Jimi Hendrix, at a local town hall, where he had to be dragged off stage for setting the curtains alight ! But, for a person to go catch a show by Jazz musicians of the calibre I am describing here, when others were listening, & getting their rocks off too The Beatles, leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of awe. She was out there listening to music which forms part of a highly evolved plane of musical understanding, that just is not for the weak. She was digging a vibration & perhaps she really did get ? Although many did not, or else the music, & the artists, would be more popular, & widely available, which they are not, sadly. At the least my mother had the emotional ability to appreciate something that would be much easier for one to assume would be above her weight. But, it tells me something far more important about her, than just her enjoyment of a superb music form; that she was, or perhaps still is, a people-pleaser. Clearly she has oppressed her intellectual abilities for a career, music, being a mother, & allowed others, like my father, but more tellingly, her own father, to dictate the terms of her life. This is a profound statement to make, but one that screams resonance with me. I think, as I write, that becoming aware of this knowledge is extremely important to me. Important because, if I am to see my childhood in a positive light, then it is imperative that I really understand why my mothers inability to communicate effectively with me has affected me the way it has. Today I can see her. I can understand that She was sharing her music with her me. It was the only way she could contact me with the amount of depth she wanted to give me, but was unable to, due to confidence issues. She did not know how to communicate her emotions effectively with me, so the music did it for her, vicariously.

 The last time my mother was around I played a little Ahmad Jamal for her. As she sat here, I heard a voice, that was, up until then, alien to me. She told me how much she enjoyed such beautiful music, " Oh this is good, I like this a lot", she said, & just looked straight ahead into the wall. I was staggered by her depth, her authenticity, & her ability to express her feelings through a piece of music that I had chosen to play her. It meant so much to me that she suddenly, & so naturally, had found the ability to show me who she once was. Perhaps who she really is ? A glorious moment for me & one which has enabled me to begin trying, & wanting, to really understand this most complicated & troubled woman.

 But, perhaps really, through this epiphany I have been able to understand who I am ? Perhaps being able to  see into these little windows of vision in her I will be able to begin seeing that I am ultimately without her. This  new awareness has left me understanding the relationship I have with my mother. Also through this awareness it would seem that I have arrived face to face with my own autonomy ?  

 Writing this today has come spontaneously for me. It is something that I have wanted to know about my mother. I have always suspected that music was at the root of the relationship with my mother. My mother, hopefully, you have been able to see today,through my discourse, that she has never been able to communicate her own feelings on anything that required sensitivity from her. It has been this silence from her that has caused me so much disturbance during my life. And it this reason that I have had much music around me all these years. For it has enabled me to learn, grow, & ultimately help form my own opinions in life. It has given me the strength to find my autonomy. And, it is this that I have always got from my music. My autonomy has been found through my music to help me. Whether I have done this consciously, or not, is irrelevant to me. All that matters is that I am now aware of the spiritual connection that I have always had with music.

 It`s funny, come to think of it, that I have been buying so much of it recently, & it is these last few years that have been the most trying of my life, thus far. Perhaps that I have needed to buy so much of it recently is because I have needed to find some support & comfort, whilst I have been going through this transformation.

 Music is life.

        “It is my vow to grant protection to those who come to me saying: "I am yours" (Valmiki Ramayana 6.18.3

INTRINSIC HEALING. Let Me Bring You Love From The Field To Heal The Wound & Heal The Pain

 These are the glorious days that I shall miss in relation to you. The doors would be wide open, with the nets blowing radiantly, & a wonderful top end breeze pouring through the rest of the apartment, allowing us to benefit from its relief. Beautiful.

 My email to you today is rather important, as I never had any intention of sitting here today to write you one, & all because of my regular daily meditation. For this morning, I made contact with, & I know for sure that I am super cautious about who I tell this too, super-intelligent beings. I cannot speculate upon their origins, but they have given me information. They came in a midst of a white ethereal colour. They spoke to me through my senses. Last week I asked if there was anyone else around out there in the universe, besides God. This morning I was surprised when an image of two people, faint, & very subtle, came into my vision. What I received was information that will, I am sure, change my perspectives on life. 

 Through the close connection I have been making with Lord Krishna, my God, I was told by the images, that what has been happening is a process of refinement. Not only through Krishna, but Buddha too, & my own Alchemy. Now I, through my spiritual practises have thinned out my density enough so as to be able to make the connection through him to these images that are of such importance to the advancement of the spiritual person. It is because I have advanced so far spirituality that I have not had to wait so long before going through God, to realise that these images of superior intelligence are in fact us. The images I saw, were faint outlines of figures, which are just faint outlines of me, & my superior self, that as yet, I am not able to understand. The images & strange figures that they have taken on, in urban myth, are just projections. They also spoke to me & said when I asked about flying machines, that " Do you really believe that we, you, would actually e around in contraptions that resemble such human invention as calamitous as space-crafts ? " . I laughed in agreement with them. They also found it comical, but understood exactly, why we cannot comprehend, as a species, that we could not of made the magnificent edifices from ancient times, that are dotted around the world, such as Stonehenge, & the Pyramids. They said that since the ancient time of our ancestors our mental abilities have degraded, & are not what they were then. We have become so mentally degenerative that our our mental ability could never make such structures again without the use of computers, & technological machines. But we could then, & alone without such machines.

 I was explained that God, in my case, Krishna/Buddha, has been the gateway that I have needed to refine, & trust myself enough to believe or understand this stage of my enlightenment. This is the stage beyond God worship. This is the return back to our uncontaminated selves. They told me too that depending upon one`s choice of religion depends upon one`s ability to advance spiritually. If one chooses a God that advocates an ethereal place where there is no need to return, then that particular soul has no need to return, as yet, but will. It is also indicative of a souls spiritual progression. Yet, It is of no importance to them, or us. What is important is the preparation of the mind & the spirit. Meditation, chant, prayers, diet, working out, self- belief, & a belief in a God, are all the things that these images advocate so that we can ourselves to the level of density where we can raise our awareness enough to progress, travel, through to the complete nirvana ( my term ). This the level where God/Universe can be trusted enough so that one may pass through God stage, & then back to ourselves. This is the ultimate goal, I was told. It should also be man`s most inspirational, but, where man has become dumbed down he has also stop worshipping passed the level of an external God. It is at this God level, where, if one is versed in deep, honest, spiritual practise, then one will return to the completion of our uncontaminated selves. This, in turn, I was told stop will stop the cycle of returning here, & allow us to stay there uncontaminated, & more highly evolved then we could ever be here. Who `They` are is us as we are holistically without the crudity of form, & material.

 While I was in communication I asked a few personal, & come to think of it, almost futile questions, but relevant to my life here, just to give me some piece of mind. I received satisfying answers that I never expected. They knew so much about me that I felt naked, but not abused, or embarrassed, in any way. In fact, they were aware, & appreciated too,  that I had to make a living, & wanted to experience love, & financial security. They said that they would enjoy helping achieve this ambition for me.

  Last week, Wednesday, I asked for a sign. This Saturday morning I received it, & it has completely wiped me out. I even had a vicious migraine early last night, which always tend to come before a transition. The hen it went away as I saw an image in the garden. Suddenly I received deep personal information about my future that enabled me to let it go. It has not returned since. I never once felt threatened, intimidated, or even frightened. I came away feeling a little shaken, & proud that I had been able to receive, understand such profound, & privileged, information.

 Nothing this clear has ever happened to me before, & It is profound. I am sure that it will take a bit of time to resonate within me, but I speak to you with confidentiality, & deep honesty. I know that you have understandings in these matters, & may even be able to shed light, or share information with me. Either way I knew that I had to share this with you. I am also aware that it is important, not just for me, but perhaps others too ?   

 I had planned on a blog at some stage today moaning about some psychological saga of mine, & all that, but instead the true Lords Of The Universe came instead.

THE TAROT CARDS

 Not sure what to think about what is happening to me today. I suppose coming to terms with not being in employment is one thing. But, I even looked at my old Tarot Cards for some reassurance, & what came up was the Hanged Man; Here we have the kind of strung out, suspension of everything. Coming to terms indeed of not being in my last routine. I had been with me for 6 months, & I got into the routine of working. I guess, now I am beginning to feel a little lonely at not having that outlet open to me at the moment. I am not sure if I actually miss the job itself, it is more the structure of the patterns that I miss. There is that side of me that knows I will be able to return in the future, but that may be my old denial self-preservation kicking in to help me cope with the loss. Because that is what it is, loss. Although it is not much in itself to be so upset with, there is still a measure of loss & adjustment to it.

 Adjusting to a loss is a very strange thing. Yesterday I was thinking about it is just an illusion blaming our parents for our issues. I thought a lot about this today, & wanted to touch upon it a bit.

 One can choose to see our parents as the brunt of all our woes, or as just the way, in ones ignorance, of how we dealt with the problems of our particular problems. I have to begin thinking like this as it is helping me. Of course, this may not be a suitable chain of thought for everyone. I spoke of my observations in realising how much energy I need to put into a particular thought pattern & if we attach those processes to a negative or positive dynamic than that dynamic will come back to us. If we choose to hang out with negative or positive people than we will get in return that persons energy back to us. For example; I saw a person whom I do not like, he makes me feel uncomfortable, & I choose to have nothing to do with him, yet he tried hard to connect with me, but I protected myself from him, choosing to see him as an emotional bully & controller. But, for a long time afterwards he was still with me. Anger is what this person felt for me, jealousy too, which both are particularly destructive emotions.

 Anger is a particularly nasty one. For it makes us do ridiculous things, & can, in its rawest form, actually kill. but, usually it does less destruction than actual death, but can still do immense harm. Emotional harm is just as cruel & horrid as physical.

SELF-HARM. Why Did I Need To Harm Her Love ?

 Why do we insist on putting ourselves in the path of situations, & people, that are hopelessly unacceptable for us ? Is is because we feel we have to continue reliving some aspect of our childhood ? Or perhaps because we feel that this is all were worth ?

 All we are worth ? That sounds desperate. Yet, it`s an issue that I am dealing with today, & I thought that I would share with you the depth of a predicament that has had to pop up right now as I am ready to begin a relationship with the feminine again, but I think that I needed to be tested. Every traveller needs a sign that he is on the right road. If he gets lost he is not reading the signs that are there. Which is why things will continuously repeat themselves until we get it. Or, as in my case, one, in despair, decides to stop, take time out to try & burn through issues that stop genuine connections with beautiful, authentic people being. Connections that are not a projection.

 I recently met someone, & finally got to have a chat with her late last Friday evening. The first time in months of emailing. When I finally got off the blower, I was completely drained, but disappointed, & angry with myself too. We had been emailing for a few months, really putting down some good communication. She was using my emails as a way of finding the courage to leave her violent ex, & I did`nt mind for a whole host of reasons, one being; that I was enjoying the space she was allowing me to express myself, psychologically, & emotionally. The situation, was becoming an enjoyable pastime, but after the actual chat we had, I came away not liking her. I suppose, during the emailing I had begun to like her reactions to my annotations. Then came Friday & she left me cold.

  Everything had been going relatively well, although a few times I felt unheard, tramped on, & spoke over. Then just before we ended the conversation, she dropped a real humdinger. She told me that she had begun dating someone since she had left her ex. I was staggered, as I saw another example of her utter thoughtlessness when it cam to another person, namely me. Here I had been for months sharing parts of myself, opening up, & of course, enjoying her space, but never did I think that she was telling me this to get me going, you know, make me squirm a bit. Either way, for someone with integrity, I found I myself feeling disappointed & let down by her. In defence of myself I heard myself saying that I was a bit long in the tooth for all this & walking away shaking my head. Later it felt as though I had been talking to a 23 year old. She came across as stupid, & controlling, especially after the depth of conversations that we had already achieved between us. After I had got off the phone I knew that I would`nt meet her the following Tuesday. The arrangement we had made I would just cancel, but I really wanted to know that I was doing the correct thing before I did actually tell her. So I just left it to percolate through me over the weekend, & now my back is aching, always a sign that things are not sitting well within me. I even had a peek at the Tarot cards last night, & they suggested that once I deal with her, things will get better again. Although, I don`t even feel like cancelling, I just want to forget about her. Naturally, I feel disappointed at her attitude, but not as disappointed as I am sure I would feel once I opened my heart to her. This blog would then turn into one on self-harming through degrading relations with controlling women, Ha !

 This situation is not really that important to me now, but what it represents is. Just like my awful experience whilst volunteering at the temple last week, I have came away from the situation feeling negative, & trying to maintain my self respect by trying to re-gain my self-empowerment & deciding to live without her, & the temple. One does not need a temple in their life to learn about Spirituality, any more than one needs a bad character in it. It`s just an outmoded attitude that dates back to before the Roman Empire.

  Although, what does hark back to my own past, & it feels as ancient as the Roman Empire, is the feeling I get from renouncing people, & situations, that cause me distress. In my well-worn eyes, there is little chance in anyone changing in the immediacy so I don`t bother trying to see through them. Why should I when they are exercising their own lack of integrity towards me ? If someone has shown no restrain towards me when the opportunity to present themselves in  a beautiful light. To this type a persons integrity is as just another opportunities to make themselves feel good at another`s expense? This is what happened to me when a career opportunity presented itself once, & my potential employers did not believe that I would change either, but I have, & I have learnt. So can she ? Should I take the chance ? So far she has not shown herself in a good light. In fact, she has harmed herself tremendously in my eyes. Her self-harming has set her back because I think that if someone has the courage to take a chance on me, than I will honour them deeply, but if  a person begins acting stupid, then it`s me that is self-harming, & I should indeed stay away, as they are setting up a chain of events that will end in misery.

 In the aforementioned situation, I went away & took out two years of my life to reflect upon what I had done to myself, why I had done such a thing, & how I could learn lessons that would teach me never to do such a thing again. Two years it took, but I do not think that this person could do this, & I certainly will not be hanging on for her to sort herself out. Although, I would respect her if she thought herself good enough to do such a thing.

 What I am really trying to put across here is that I am ready to embrace an authentic relationship  with a like-minded person, someone who is intelligent & mature.. Not fools that, given half a chance, can`t help themselves playing up, like a child. I deserve an authentic relations. I feel as though I have done enough work upon myself now to have the space in me to embrace love. What this woman has taught me is that this type of person person has much to learn about themselves, & whether they get themselves together in the future is utterly irrelevant to me, because it is important that a man of integrity does not wait for her. I feel together today, & I will no longer wait for anybody that is not ready for me. I stopped talking to my father because of poor behaviour off others, so I am certainly not going to put up with childish nonsense off somoene I hardly know.

 During this enlightening lesson I have seen that my self-respect will not allow me to have anybody in my life that cannot behave correctly, or treat me with courtesy & respect. If I do have this type around, as I have done in the past, they will just drain me & need placating all the time, & then I will have to watch myself, because if they don`t get this expected flattery their passive aggression will smash me into next week. I do not want to wait until the ends of the earth for them to bring nothing to the table, like some Forest Gump type character, hanging on for the never-never. Only the other day a friend came around to see me. I looked forward to it all day, & when he arrived, much later than we had arranged, he told me that he could only stay for literally a few minutes. This was the first time that this issue dawned on me. I thought to myself , if I allow such rude behaviour, & do not set a boundary, I will become the brunt of all his arrogance. It is self-harming to allow such behaviour to be inflicted upon oneself. Just as it is having someone trying to control you.

  This sixth sense, I suppose you could call it, has enabled me to see the potential for harm in a person. It has originated from atavistic tendency in me from the familial lineage, I guess ?  Although, I feel proud that I have been able to see this today, as it shows me that I have indeed grown out of very old self-harming patterns of behaviour that have obstructed me from authenticity. What this means is that I am actually ready, & refined enough, to begin an authentic relationship with a real person. This trickster woman has come to show me that I am ready, & it has been her inappropriate attitude toward me that has shown me this. The process of Solutio has indeed arrived, & it will all be worth it very very soon.

  It was only Saturday night, whilst alone, & contented, that I wrote my last blog explaining how, when the intrepid traveller is ready, he will come across the guile of the trickster, & if he does not spot it, then he will get himself into serious trouble. My own issue surrounding this blog has been about poor quality women. I can see that this woman has represented the trickster in my own life right now. I am obviously ready to meet somebody, & can see that. I can discern between a fool, & a good person now, which is empowering within itself. It is incredibly important to be aware of this knowledge. It is equally enlightening being able to spot & reject a trickster. One could even be as bold as to suggest that by rejecting trickster, a better quality woman should now arrive & enter my personal, spiritual, environment.

 Whilst it can extremely difficult to reject something that one feels is available, even though it is beneath them, & even when they are being bullied & used by the trickster. Renouncing something can later cause bitter regret, so it is extremely important to be confident of what one is letting go of first. The trickster will damage confidence if they can. If they can see the smallest opportunity to harm, or humiliate, they will, & make it out to be your fault or someone else`s. Trickster is a bully, & needs the weak & the deranged to function, to cope. The healthy person can easily see through this level of personality. For if one knows what they are doing around trickster they will not have to take risks going out with the wrong type. If one would only just take out a little time from relationships & learn to love themselves they would eventually attract a better quality of person enter their life, & not continuously waste it on the type that only arouse suspicion, frighten, or harm. They would also become enlightened, & eventually attract in their equal. Just as one does when one is ill.

 When I was a child I used to really want to leave school, & go to work, like some of the local rougher boys, I was not allowed to associate with. Today I can see that those rough boys are down at the job centre, & some are dead. What I have been doing these last few years, whilst everyone else has got on with their lives, is going through a process of emotional refinement. I have stayed away from embracing love, because I knew that it would not be love, it would be trickery, or even worse, it would be harmful. I knew that I had to refine myself to a high level if I was ever going to get on in my life. I have felt alone because of this process of percolation, but it has been essential work for me, for any person, in fact, that enjoys the finer things in life. I had to educate myself further in the ways of spirit, just as the Alchemist does, so as to be able to recognise other forms of refinement. This woman could never give me the best, or even anything near it. Although she has taught me in the ways of trickster.

 Trickster brings clarity, but one can only be versed in it`s manipulative ways by experiencing it hateful & manipulative ways. I needed to be tested by trickster. It was essential that I was made aware of trickster energy in my life, before my true self could be opened up. If I had become entangled up in trickster, this Kali, energy without knowing what it was, then I would be thrown back to the pits of devolution by her. There is no long-term within this level of trickster degradation. This woman was my test, & I guess I have passed it knowing that I now have such formative knowledge on it ? Either way it`s a relief working out who the trickster was this time.

 Trickster will always come just before the positive can be heralded in. Trickster is always a phenomenally negative sign, but we need her to come along so that we know that better is around the corner.

 No tricksters here, this is real. As real as Tubby Hayes.

FEMININE; FEAR & DENIAL. THE PATH OF THE ALCHEMIST. I Pretended Not To Want Her Love

 There comes a time in every man`s life when he has to give up, surrender if you will, to the power of the feminine. If he does not do this, then he remains immature, & unable to progress within his spiritual life. His self-awareness will suffer painfully, & he will remain a child. Mature people naturally stay away from such a man. For it is not only unbecoming to be in the company of such a man, it is also embarrassing. No decent man or woman would put themselves into such a position wittingly, so why would a person do it unwittingly ? Men are by nature insecure when it comes to expressing themselves intimately, not only in front of women, but also in front of other men.

  For many years I had not been aware that I had repressed much of myself. I did not want to feel emotions, but mostly I did not want to feel vulnerable. It was incredibly important that I stayed protected, defensive, &, of course, alone, so that I did not have to surround myself with others. I wanted to stay alone, not only in my love life, but also my social life too, & whenever I became threatened by a woman approaching me, my arrogance would reign supreme, putting many people off. The only ones that would ever stay around me were those that felt pity for me, or were bemused by my strange behaviour. Why does a man do this ? Why is it that a man is so afraid of the power of the feminine ?

 Perhaps I am somewhat qualified to answer this most important of questions, as I have experienced rather a lot of this self-harming attitude towards myself, so I shall try & attempt an answer. Although I am not sure how well I will do, as there are many far greater minds than mine that have tried, & failed to answer this question adequately. I personally think that this problem has it`s roots in a man`s relationship with his father. Before I hear you all start groaning- " Here we go again ", hear me out on this one.

 First up, comes vulnerability. The more a chap hides away from his vulnerability, the more he attracts to him anger & frustration in others. This comes in the form of other aggressive & frustrated men. There grows in him a desire to impress angry men. He needs to attracts to him this ugly, aggressive type to feel larger than life, but really he leaves himself  wide open for manipulation by this other type of man. This is more than exemplified by the modern phenomenon of `Gangs`, in & around major our international cities.

 All Gangs are is a substitute home for other like-minded, disaffected youths who have had little, or no significant father figure in their short lives. This lack, whether physical, or emotional, will mess anyone up, but the damage it does to a young boy, growing up in an environment that is insensitive to his needs is huge. It is this need for encouragement & support that the boy will look anywhere he can for it. By the time it does come, it is too late for him to start relating positively to others, as he has already internalised his self-hatred, & is now projecting it onto everyone else. Unlike the vast majority of `good enough` parents, that have done an average job on there boys, these children`s parents are brooding, anti-social misfits that feed on hate & jealousy. This male youth gave up, some time ago, trying to please his insatiable & ignorant parents. An amalgamation of various troubling aspects in him came together & drove him the to self-harm. This then attracted to him an exaggerated form of narcissistic masculinity, in the form of local hard nuts, & other troubled types, that need to feed off him. This then turn into one big unhappy gang of people, hell bent on inflicting their hatred onto others, women included.

 This is an extreme example that I have chosen to reinforce my theory, but I think that it is relevant, & it does show that without significant masculine support a boy will grow up angry, & will not be able to apply any responsibility when it comes to fitting in socially because he has never been shown how to. If all he has ever been witness too is lack, anger, & disrespect, then he will grow up believing that these traits are acceptable in society.

 It is vulnerability that has become the biggest problem for men as they try to mature. The continuous need to suppress & cover up is the major distraction that obstructs a persons concentration skills, & the forming of healthy attachments & ideas of future progression. This inability to express themselves adequately, naturally ends up degrading so much of  a man`s inner-beauty as he gets older, & will rob a man of his right of initiation into spiritual growth, & it is exactly this that enhances a man`s life & future. For the inner-beauty of a man is his soul, & it is exactly this that is covered up by immaturity & lack of trust. When a man grows adequately he becomes aware of his soul, he can watch it transform, & grow into something phenomenal, & something to be proud of. This takes time, & he has enough nuance to know that it is important to give it space to grow, away from the harshness of society. It can be very difficult for him, but also for those around him. For as his spirituality grows his personality becomes stupefied, sullen, & quiet. The noisy, & the ignorant leave, stay away, or else ridicule him. In some cases others close make themselves understand & accept. The man that can do this level of souls work, is not from a particular background, but he does come from a painful background, it is always pain, or fear sometimes, that lead a man of this calibre to do soul work. Perhaps it`s destiny too ? But it is never a waste of time, although it may feel as though it is, especially the times when the ego kicks up an idea of what masculinity should be doing, & goes on kicking him to get out there into the world, & stop all this inner work. Trying desperately to stop him concentrating on his work. The ego is like a needy child, demanding, noisy & frustrated. These are hard time for this man, he sees people enjoying themselves, having relationships, enjoying careers, but the calling in him niggles away at him, enabling to get back his focus. He has to continue with his inner work, although he try`s hard to keep himself convinced, interested even, that he is doing the right thing for himself. These are hard times for him, as there is no support, or company, just problems with tricksters, including his ego continually getting in his way. Everything is a challenge, a hurdle to get over, & once that is accomplished, a mountain comes, & he has to take a step back, & understand what the mountain means. This can take a long time, as everything is confusing & unreal. Later the problems do begin to get smaller, as the time he takes to achieve a healthy space gets quicker, & his ability to confront his issues stronger.

 This is the beauty, & the power, that attracts feminine wisdom to him. It is the love & respect this man has for himself that has now been found, & must not be squandered on the weak & foolish woman. that will soon try & enter his life. It is now imperative that the challenge this woman will present is handled correctly, because it is essential that he he is mindful that he has has been without woman for a long time. It is this sacred space that he has been preparing for the feminine that will eventually be represented by a physical presence that will hold a mystical proportion for him. It is the anima that she will represent when she is ready to enter. But, guess what will try & get in the way of his queens path to him ? Trickster, this is a woman that  is thoroughly needy, & dense of spirit, & desperate for our man. In the Tarot Cards, this woman is represented by the Moon, & should be handled with extreme caution. She arrogantly views him as hers. The more vulnerable he is the better, so she can trick & use him for her own selfish purpose. Whilst smiling & dancing around him. Although if he is wise, & careful here, at best, she will have the potential to obstruct his queen/anima entering sooner, & long term she will no be a problem to him. However, this is a period of uncertainty, a confusing time for our man as the feminine enters his life. He does not have the protection of his old defences any more to rely upon. All he has are untried tools to fend off this trickster woman. It must also be remembered that she is a actually a doppelganger, & not a real woman. She is his mother in disguise. Her agenda is all about anger at losing him as a boy, controlling, & getting him back to her, & away from his spiritual progression, or real soul woman, his queen/anima. It is imperative for her, as she represents hurt, & loss that her child has been lost to society. She needs him back for her own selfish agenda. She is a fox, cunning & wily. It can be a challenging time for our hero, but with wisdom, & intuitive assistance from his anima, she will guide him past the trickster. He is also in conjunction with the universe now, so he can also call on this awesome power for his assistance. It is essential at this stage that he truly understands that he is not alone any more, there is power around him & it is at his disposal. A power that he may call upon, & that is supporting him, like a true father.

 We can recap here, & remember that our hero, because that is what he has become by this stage, has worked so hard, with blood & sweat, to get in touch with a God, or a Universe, out of despair at his aloneness, so suddenly he becomes supported by this power. The biological father is a falsehood, & at this phenomenal stage of his journey, he is beginning to understand this. He may struggle with the concept of a God, or a Universe, that actually caters, & is there, for him, instead of the old pining for his biological father that has continually failed him, & put him on this path in the first place. He knows that he has power, or soon will do. It is now all about letting go of his outmoded ideas that his biological father is important to him in the grand concept of his life. It will become unimportant soon that he has a biological father, because he is beginning to hand himself over to the Universe & allow it to guide him, & become his carapace.

 Other people enter his life now, that want to help, offer a little bit of themselves to assist him as he walks along his path. The trickster remains in the background looming ever closer, in the form of stupidity, anger, & lies, but others quality people come in now, & distract him away from trickster. He does need to worry about bad, or tricky advice, as he knows his masculinity. It is just the feminine he must discern now, nothing else is a problem, all masculine elements of his life are taking care of themselves under their own guise. His ability to look after himself, earn a living, & provide enough security to take care of his needs, are under no doubt now. It is just the feminine, or rather the trickster, posing as a woman, that he must be mindful of now. It is this that is his fast becoming his issue now. He must take some care when dealing with her.

 Here, I will leave the story of our intrepid traveller, who walks along the spiritual highway, sometimes alone, other times not, but always with integrity. Although he has not always felt this way. At times he has felt disgusted & ashamed at having put himself through so much pain, fear, & harm, at the expense of a perceived guilt that he has missed out on things such as careers, & relationships, but as we can see the paradox here is that had any of these happened before now our hero would not be our hero, he would be dead. They would of suffocated him.
                     
 Naturally when a man lacks the ability to maintain a healthy relationship with a women he has become stuck at the age of a particular emotional issue, & it`s origin. This was the beginning of it all. This was the first upset our hero encountered at the hands of his father. It was at this stage that rage formed in him, & it was also at this stage he learnt to shut up, & suppress himself, the rest is his personal history that we will look at from time to time.

 This first cut in the emotional bond is the fissure that C.G. Jung called the `Kingfisher Wound`. It is the foundations of all the child`s trouble as he grows up. This rage grows, & has to stay hidden at all costs, until his soul can take no more, & it explodes. Or in some cases, such as when someone finds dogmatic religion, or other forms of denial, issues will stay hidden for years, rising up like some mysterious entity, in the form of nightmares, & demons, frightening the person. This is the trickster posing as religion, the shadow trying to communicate, & to get out of his hellish prison cell. Sadly though, he is continuously suppressed, & locked up. He is never allowed to be free, or express himself. When the denial is at it`s worse it is passive, & this is the nastiest type of anger, because it is so manipulative,
 & behaves so cruelly.

 So perhaps now you can see how my theory of the immature man, & how he must stay in control by dominating others ? Unless this man can come to terms with himself, he will forever remain a child, & will never be able to form a healthy attachment with anyone. His narcissism, as he get older will affect every aspect of his life, such as his choice of women, which will become younger, as he gets older. He will make demands on those around him that are ridiculous, & even reckless. Work patterns, & the ability to make a continuous wage, will be affected, as will his ability to restrain himself when it comes to instant gratification. Bossing others around for no reason will drive others away, & isolate him to the point where as an older man he will die of regret-related illnesses. This is a terrible indictment of the controlling man, but sadly, a true one, & it is played out everywhere, all over the world. Immaturity is completely unprejudiced, & adores the fool who stays in denial, as it gets to stay the dominant force in his life.

 I shall conclude the essay today with a lovely example of stupidity, & how it`s utter selfishness can cause serious problems for many people around him. Immaturity is irresponsibility, & recklessness, in it`s rawest & most primal form.

 Yesterday, I went over to my temple to meditate, and whilst I was there I volunteered to help out. There were a lot of people wanting to join in festivities. So after a few hours of standing around in the sun, chatting to people, & generally having a pleasant time helping out, the team leader of volunteers approached me, & begun barking orders at me. I had just carried a severely crippled man, out of his wheelchair, & up the stairs. His daughter wanted to wait until he had finished praying, then we arranged that she would call me to collect him, & carry him back down the stairs again. This fool, who could not comprehend that I had a responsibility to carry this chap, as there was nobody else there that could do it, actually tried to take me away & do something else with my skill-base. I was staggered by his ignorance, no to mention the rest of the temple who had employed him. All they have done is reinforce my mistrust of them.

 When a chance came to controlling me he could not help himself, even when presented with a challenging situation as the one I was in. I ignored him, & collected the gentleman & brought him back down again. Then I went home, vowing never to put myself in that position again, or go to the damn place again. Can you see how a lack of maturity, even when it comes from a person who you could be forgiven for thinking is mature, being versed in his religion. This is a case of immaturity & stupidity.

 Religion is a completely separate issue when it come to maturity, & spirituality. Religion is a great way for an immature man to hide away from masculine responsibility. For the immature man does not like responsibility & will do all he can from becoming acquainted with it, just the same way the boy in the gang, we discussed earlier, does not like the responsibility of looking at himself with honesty & dignity. How can he when he was never shown how to be responsible ? It takes responsibility to maintain healthy relations with others. If a person becomes flustered & upset in the face of pressure, like going to work, managing others, & looking after themselves, how will he ever grow up ? He wont, he will become a burden to others, & make ridiculous decisions, but really all he will do is just keep mature, beneficial people away from him. Who the hell wants to be associated with a child parading as a man ?

 As ever, Its an honour to have YOU reading my essays.

 Thank you, sincerely.

MATURITY & ANGER . She Was Willing To Give You Everything, But You Ignored Her

 Whilst I have been hurt by my sense of loss, & inner pain, these last few years, I can see that I have made decisions that I thought, at the time, were good enough for me. Today, however, I can see that they were not.

 Today, sadly, I can see that those decisions have been the greatest lessons so far. For, they put me on the path that heightened my fear, anxiety, & compounded in me a state of denial that I never knew was actually harming me. A part of me was killing myself off with bad decisions. Clearly life would of been far easier had I not made those decisions. Those previous decisions put more problems in my way than they ever solved. Let me bring some clarity to this essay.

 As I was sitting here thinking about love the other day, a great conundrum for me, I wondered just how nice it would be to be able to love someone. The fact that I am not doing this right now, & have done so in the past, confuses me. Probably though this is the one thing that has driven me to know more about myself. Who was it that said that; ` When a person is trying to achieve something real & lasting, there is no room for wandering or playing, that all has to come when the thing has been achieved `. I could also choose to see today as the day that I put an end to regretting the bad decision making of the past, & began embracing new thought patterns ?  As one naturally looks to find a sense of closure in situations that present problems to our growth, then one does begin to see things with mature eyes. How I see a friend, or an adversary, today is completely differently to how I would of done six months ago, & it is beneficial to see them as an aspect of yourself.

 I was first introduced to this theory at University, but never took too much notice of it, until recently. It is a theory that I am now beginning to think more about as it seems a good way to get results in life. Perhaps where I felt that I had cause to regret, maybe I do not ? And I could actually be looking at a way to resolve them by realising that I do not need to worry about them if they keep returning. Past mistakes, if one can see them coming back repeatedly, should be able to understand why they happen, & therefore eliminate them. This way one can begin winning back all the good that one should of said yes to, but didn`t. Perhaps now is the time to begin applying healing to the issues & allow them to resolve themselves - let them go ?

 Everything that I gave up when it came to me the first time around, that clearly was in my best interest, I rejected because I feared embracing maturity. If choices do return to us & they come round again for another chance then making correct decision in the same matter is a surety. This fills me with a positivity that is rather inspiring.

 As I write my blog today, I have a deep feeling of liberation about me. I have noticed that I seem to no longer be carrying around frustration at not understanding inner pressures, which seems to be rooted in my poor decision making of the past. A lot of my poor decisions came from my childhood, & how I was expected to behave whilst growing up. Those decisions were always aimed at pleasing my father, I felt I always had to placate him, if I wanted to go it alone.

  Making a living without him was a priority, & still is, even though I have not spoken to him in years. He never really had my best interests at heart. I felt cheated by him as I grew older, but, again, suppressed it all, feeling that I needed to stay attached to my father. I always thought that I would be so vulnerable without a daddy to protect me, even though he never had. I tricked myself into thinking that I had a good dad, when I had not. I also tricked myself into thinking that he was always doing positive things for me, when in fact he was doing nothing whatsoever for me. And it was this that really crashed into me some time ago, & caused me to feel so glum. I think that it was this that caused me to cease commune with him. For my own piece of mind. When I did eventually find the courage to stop talking with him we both found it difficult. I had to think of my own well-being, & detach myself from him, because I was so angry with him, but more myself, for expecting so much from him. Unlike me today, he is a man that is unable to give freely of himself, but naturally, he was a man that I was also very much like, which is why I was so unhappy. His stuff sat too heavily on my own unique & beautiful soul.

 I was angry because he neglected, & could not be bothered with me, & used me for his own gain. It is this  anger that has burnt me up, & caused decisions that would eventually lead to self-harming  He was arrogant, but I loved him, & needed him, but he would simply not allow me any part of him, so eventually I became ill. I began to do things to myself that would cause long-term problems to my, career, love life, & financial security. Not conventional harming such as drugs, alcohol, or abusive relationships, just a kind of inner fear & guilt that crippled me from doing what I wanted to with my life. `Harm by neglect` is one way that I would describe it. He never came when I called him. Perhaps he didn`t hear me, but I still feel that he chose not to do anything, after I became ` old enough`. He blocked his ears to my cries of despair, & fear. He stayed away from me when I needed him. When I lost my brother, in less than a year he had left the country to live the other side of it, with another family.

  Of course, it is easy for me to see now that my anger came from my fathers neglectfulness. This is how he treated me, & it is for this reason that I became so angry & afraid at not having a masculine figure to run to if I became frightened. Upon reflection, today, as I write to you, I can see clearly that I have won back my masculinity, & have applied it effectively to my own life, & brought about success. All without him. Yes, it does feel good, but I also feel have a sense of sadness that he is not around to share this elation with me, nor is he any part of it either.

 Anger is destructive to our self motivation & confidence. The more we suppress it the more damage it does. Our ability to love, move forward, do good, all become affected. It acts like some kind of self-sabotaging monster, that does not want us to feel motivated, focused, & vital. Anger is destructive & nasty if it is not channelled with maturity, & correctly.

 R, a friend of mine was beaten to a pulp by her boyfriend last week, & it really shook me up. When she told me I was shocked because she is my friend, & I like her very much. She is also a fun, kind, & beautiful soul. Naturally, as a man, & her friend, I thought about becoming involved to help her out, but later decided against it. I felt it would be wrong of me to do anything physical to help her, as it could endanger even more, when I would not be there to protect her. I am fully aware of all the facts, & she knew her karma was at stake. Any intervention on my part could of been disastrous for her in the short term. Being beaten is unjustifiable, in any shape or form, & I wish it had not happened to her. It made me angry that it had happened. It is ghastly that this shit happens to people everywhere.

 Through this horrible situation I could see her issues around self-abuse, & how anger had been at the root of all my own past issues. It left me thinking just how confusing, dense, cruel, anger is, & how anger presents itself in so many different guises. It truly is Trickster dynamic.

 My own previously suppressed anger was represented by what my friends story, & it scared me. This energy has caused so much anxiety & fear in me. It also caused me illnesses too; migraines, bad backs, & aches. R`s story made me sad, because, even though she may of been angry, reactionary, or even vindictive towards her partner, no person deserves to be on the end of a beating, that has broken her nose, & her spirit. There is no justification for anger, when it becomes out of control. I expect, as a I write, that my own previous ways of suppressing anger goes back to the confusion around my fathers lack of personal responsibility.

 When it came to owning his anger he made it  impossible for me to feel secure at home, & at school. Thanks to my friend, & her misery, I can see that I have been able to understand my father & his repressed anger, & the part it played in my own upbringing.

 I think that today, because of her, I can make sense of it all. I can see anger in others now, & the suspicion it arises in me. The puzzling, strained ways it causes in others when one feels uncomfortable around them. More importantly though, I can see the immense part anger has played in my life, & the insecurity it has caused.

 Without the immense weight of anger covering up all parts of my life, & the people that have entered my space can be given a real, genuine chance to flourish. That people can come into my life now, & feel confident sharing part of themselves with me without feeling on edge around me, is a terrific indication of the positive path I am now on .
 
 Thanks for reading, it means so much.

EASTERN HONESTY. Her Head Is In The Ground, She Could Just Be Calling For Winter

 It was an odd feeling waking this morning, & then automatically, wondering how on earth I have made people feel with my blogs.

 I had decide after writing my last one last night to send a link to a friend of mine. At the time I was only aware of sharing an essay or two, with an intelligent man. This person has been a friend for many years, certainly he has been aware of my deepest trials these last few years, so I class him, just on this alone, as good friend. But not until later did I realise that I may of upset him. I certainly knew that I was showing a more intimate side of myself than I had ever been able to do before, but I was unaware that I wanted to take the risk. I can know see this morning that what I wanted to say, in my own personal language was that I am no longer able to placate anyone any more, & if my true personality upsets or offends anyone than I accept that, & it is here that we must leave our friendship. I was expressing unwittingly that I have now left behind who I once was. The person that you got to know & call your friend has gone away. I have outgrown this other self & this mornings blog has proven this to me.

 Only yesterday, I sent a friend an email previewing a Jazz album  he wanted my feedback on. It was during this email that I realised that I had actually matured in my writing output. I felt that it showed for the first time on completion of the text that I had turned a corner, that I had, or was having, an epiphany of some momentum. That a process that had slowly been working it`s way through me had now begun showing signs of gold, mixed in with the red shimmering that had been coming up & into my apparitions recently. Jung said, "That when it is time to move on with personal inner development nothing should stand in its way , & if someone is upset, or made angry, by the subjects remarks then just continue moving forward with ones progression". For me this is a profound remark & right now one of his most important as it has enabled me to see that as a previous `people pleaser`, I now have the confidence to say, in which ever medium suits, that  I am ready to open up & show you a more authentic aspect of myself than was ever there before. This is a courageous space to be in because I am now taking the risk of ostracising myself from the little company I do possess, due to continually transforming, but like the Indian Yogi, & other seekers of enlightenment, over  time. I, like Jung, now have no excuse in putting off this fear of ostracising people because my growth demands that I now burn off this ignorance & move closer to my dreams.

 This has been a very difficult & frightening issue, perhaps one of the worst that I have had to confront in all the years of seeking.  I am extremely hesitant at potentially ostracising the few friends I do have, but I am also aware that naturally this has to happen if I am to allow in a far greater depth of understanding into my life. In an ironic way, opening up my soul to those I love does allows me to see just how loved I am by them. Perhaps by being more honest with myself will allow me to believe in a far greater existence than I have ever done before ? I think this is the case because if the little, yet important things, are entering my life now, than this process would suggest that all things, like people, will also flow to me. Water finds it own level, & at times like these it is essential to embrace such ancient wisdom & knowledge.

 So, this rather smaller blog, as opposed to last nights more arduous piece, is about no longer wanting to make apologies for myself in the face of others, for simply being authentic. I want know to reach out, & tell people that this is who I really am, these are my beliefs & although you may, or may not, agree with them, they are mine, & it is important that I share with you this understanding I have of myself now, just as I have shred all other aspects of myself with you. It is my integrity that I risk in sharing myself with you, it is imperative that I do so, not just for my own emotional health, but because I simply want to be closer to you too. Perhaps if I can make one more aware of my authenticity this can promote understanding between us ?  Obviously this would be a phenomenal achievement for me to know that my own courage has inspired another to look inside, but if one chooses not to, & walk the other way, then I have to accept this too.

 It has been for me extremely challenging, & frightening to of mustered up an amount of courage to enable me open up my soul, & then bear it. It takes deep bravery & the confidence of a lion to do such a thing, but any person that has gone through the monstrous stages of Nigredo, is such a person. This is a person of such brave proportions that opening up their soul to another is the last in a long series of challenges that have been designed, by mankind, in a kind of Darwinian type osmosis, that has taken place over the course of many years, to enable us in finding the truth as to why we exist in the first place. This evolution to a more natural state of enlightenment, where one can enjoy the natural bliss of deep satisfying love & spirituality is, or must be at the very least, every souls right of passage. In the little experience I have had in these matters of evolving my self-respect, I can certainly say that it has been worth the pain of working, & processing my inner shadow. I cannot report that it is all cleaned up, & the density flattened out to the thinness of a pancake, but I do feel healthier just sharing this with you, & understanding why I now do not fear being honest with myself any more.



   

THE POWER OF THE SHADOW. I Up At Sunrise Just To See You Wake.

My last blog was not the kind that I thought that I would write, but it felt good to of finally found a breakthrough in seeing myself heralding in a breakthrough. I wrote of metaphor.

 Metaphors are essential in enabling us to analyse a situation or issue that we may be going through. Through  visualising one can begin to see the path one is on, & perhaps do something about changing the outcome, or leaving well alone & continue along the path to assured success. Carl Jung advocated the use of the metaphor, as did many of the leaders of the psychoanalytical movement of the 1950s & 60s.

 I myself find it absolutely essential to visualise metaphor to explain one`s journey. It assists me in being able to assess where I am at one stage. My apparitions bring about my success, along the journey. I once used a technique that saw me take off my own head & put in its place the person that I aspired to. This brought about good results, & know I use it a lot whenever I need a boost in a chosen field. The sub-conscious mind is the architect of our success, so why not allow it to speak up & do its essential work ?

 When was the last time that you utilised such a technique yourself ? It is a shame that many people do not think more along the lines of this subject. In my eyes, the mind is like a wonderful dense jungle, forbidden, formidable & uncharted, & at times, in deep trouble. Because of this I would take trips at times &, like the conquistador, would venture off  & make a clearing, in some place or another, to find space. At times I would come across all sorts of things, monsters, wandering orphans, naked women riding unicorns, & many other strange, comical, & upsetting things. Sometimes I would find nothing but places where ones eyes are of little use, much the same way they would be if one was caught up in a load of cotton wool, but always I gave them credence, just the way I give you credence & respect for reading my blog. For this is just another aspect of my clearing, as are you reading it, so I am finding more peace inside of myself. You help me too. So it is imperative to utilise as many forms of medium as is possible to bring about integration. Nothing is easy, but knowing I am assisting myself in this fantastical land, helps me.

 It has been a minefield for me over the years. I would for hours on end try to find ways to ease the pressure that was building up in me. I was young & I was confused, so did not have an idea how to get results through the sub-conscious mind. I wanted to take responsibility for myself so kept persevering. I was up against a far more formidable power than I. It was full of the same energy & power as an atomic bomb is, it was in charge. All I had been doing was controlling myself, holding this internal pressure back, just as one does, I guess, when trying to hold onto a wild horse to stop it getting away from the holder. Pitiful & useless. The only way forward for me was to reason with it, talk with it, & see what my shadow wanted.

 This was what Jung called the Shadow, the vast region of us that is pretty much in control of until we can find the courage to confront it & begin a dialogue. This is the essential first part, because we suppress just about everything into the vast recesses of our mind that we find even the least bit uncomfortable, & it is this that the shadow feeds off & slowly grows in structure shadow. How many times have you done, or said something that you wish you had not of done ? Or stayed stuck in an abusive or destructive relationship when all around you is in despair, & the bruises grow in depth ? This shadows formidable power keeping you locked to degradation, futility & shame. The shadow is a child that has been banished to a dark room, locked up & forgotten about. It thinks it is putrid, disgusting & of no use or benefit to anyone, so it is angry, & becomes worse the more you ignore him/her. The only way it knows how to gain your attention is by shoving you into these awful degrading situations. The overweight man who cannot shift weight, but hopelessly clings to the kinder more reasonable logic that he has bad bowels, or gland problems. For it is shadow that causes the anxiety & ego- conflict that goes onto cause cancers, bone problems, & all the rest of it. I am sure that you would not do this to your own child or loved one, but sadly, we do it to ourselves, all the time.  I am included  here, of course. In fact, I remember one evening a few months ago, sitting in my lounge listening to Jazz, when just to the right side of my vision, in came through the closed door, a dark figure, all black, smooth, & without hair. It looked just like one would expect as one would expect a person in a black all in one body suit to look like. In he came, silent & forbidden, lots of limb movement, very intimidating. He then curled up & sat at my feet. He was there for a long time. You can imagine how upsetting & frightening this was for me. He then got up, after an hour or so, & walked straight through the fireplace, he has been around since, but only very fleetingly. I had never seen this thing before, but I have no doubt that he is my shadow, & as Jung would say, a projection of my internal entity. This is shadow. The density of all our oppressed fears, angers, stuff.  What to do ?

 I believe it essential to become acquainted with our shadow. Try & find out who he or she is. Because when something is denser & covered up, it will undoubtedly cause problems, for it is so much heavier. The same analogy can be utilised to show how the aggressive man behaves in a relationship with his partner, forever attacking one way or another, maintaining oppression & fear. Or when the neurotic mother inflicts her will upon her child, just so as not to feel depressed. She transfers & projects her shadow onto the child causing confusion hurt, & many more serious problems for the child. The mother projects her shadow which then causes an obstruction, & as the child grows up with horrific emotional ailments, the shadow is suppressed. Later through dysfunctional behaviours the child, now an adult, if they are able will begin the dialogue with their shadow. Usually this type of habitual behaviour, that sadly gets handed down by a process of osmosis, becomes denigrated to the bin of ones internal structure, the shadow, whilst all the time growing in power. It is then it becomes a serious problem, either causing a breakdown, & then one can eventually begin to re-build oneself, or one dies. Death in this context can come in many guises, such as addictions, alcoholism, neediness & abusive relationships. Sometimes it is of course more practical than the examples I have chosen, & one flat-lines, simple.

 Whilst the shadow is ignored at its peril, it remains an enemy. But it does not have to be this way. It wants to be friends, it wants to communicate & let you know what you are doing to it each day. The process of integration, if it does not kill a person, is all about getting to know your shadow. It takes a very unique & special person to begin a dialogue with their shadow, not because it is laudable work, which it obviously is, but because the shadow contains so many riches & is munificent in it`s generosity that one would be a fool not to communicate with it.

 Seek & you will find.

 As we thin out our density by communicating with our shadow we become closer to progression & success. We thin out ourselves so that we do not sink, literally, into an abyss, of false desires that keep us from authentically, & honestly, seeing who we really are. There is a theory that we are all at different levels of maturity within our souls. And this would make sense as many people that would rather not look internally & stay in ignorance, or who cannot find a level of depth & love that would enable them to travel internally to begin a communication, will stay on the peripheries of all genuine love & expression. Preferring to stay safe in ignorance & materialism. Once one has reached such levels of emotional maturity, that I am discussing here, then they can go on to love & worship themselves, & their partners. The material success the ignorant person works so hard to hang onto, comes naturally, simply as a by-product of functioning on this most prolific level. For the person that can communicate effectively with their shadow attracts to them the best of everything; the best positions at work, the best love & soul partner, material wealth, & on & on, but most importantly, they do not attract the ignorant & weak either. The trickster stays away from the wise because they are afraid, intimidated by their authenticity. It is this alone that makes it all the more worth doing, in my eyes.

  I would suggest that a person who denies any of this is not wrong, but missing the point by ignoring the essay. We all have our choices, but this is fundamental, & essential work. And perhaps more importantly than anything, it is shows greatness of character, as it is responsible towards others to do such work on oneself. One that does this level of work does not evoke suspicion in others for they can be trusted & others are naturally attracted to them. They are leaders, in every sense of the word.

   I have tried to be as general in my synopsis of how I see shadow in my life, but I cant help hearing voices in my ear telling me that they would rather deny all of this, & that none of this applies to them, well it does, for reason already mentioned. But most of all it is self-respectful to want to do it. However the voice that does ring louder than the other plastic voices is the single voice, calling from afar. This single voice speaks louder in its integrity than the chorus of fools that mock, & show hostility, at the mere suggestion of changing their attitudes. Yes, this voice is the voice of authenticity, integrity & love. I hear it as it grows louder & stronger for their own entitled authenticity. This voice wants change, transformation, & love to enter their life, needing more, because they know that they deserve it. That is the voice of strength & real power. It is your voice that I hear, & it is your basic right to want more in your life.

 I wish you every success in beginning your great work.

 Come together in the morning.