It was an odd feeling waking this morning, & then automatically, wondering how on earth I have made people feel with my blogs.
I had decide after writing my last one last night to send a link to a friend of mine. At the time I was only aware of sharing an essay or two, with an intelligent man. This person has been a friend for many years, certainly he has been aware of my deepest trials these last few years, so I class him, just on this alone, as good friend. But not until later did I realise that I may of upset him. I certainly knew that I was showing a more intimate side of myself than I had ever been able to do before, but I was unaware that I wanted to take the risk. I can know see this morning that what I wanted to say, in my own personal language was that I am no longer able to placate anyone any more, & if my true personality upsets or offends anyone than I accept that, & it is here that we must leave our friendship. I was expressing unwittingly that I have now left behind who I once was. The person that you got to know & call your friend has gone away. I have outgrown this other self & this mornings blog has proven this to me.
Only yesterday, I sent a friend an email previewing a Jazz album he wanted my feedback on. It was during this email that I realised that I had actually matured in my writing output. I felt that it showed for the first time on completion of the text that I had turned a corner, that I had, or was having, an epiphany of some momentum. That a process that had slowly been working it`s way through me had now begun showing signs of gold, mixed in with the red shimmering that had been coming up & into my apparitions recently. Jung said, "That when it is time to move on with personal inner development nothing should stand in its way , & if someone is upset, or made angry, by the subjects remarks then just continue moving forward with ones progression". For me this is a profound remark & right now one of his most important as it has enabled me to see that as a previous `people pleaser`, I now have the confidence to say, in which ever medium suits, that I am ready to open up & show you a more authentic aspect of myself than was ever there before. This is a courageous space to be in because I am now taking the risk of ostracising myself from the little company I do possess, due to continually transforming, but like the Indian Yogi, & other seekers of enlightenment, over time. I, like Jung, now have no excuse in putting off this fear of ostracising people because my growth demands that I now burn off this ignorance & move closer to my dreams.
This has been a very difficult & frightening issue, perhaps one of the worst that I have had to confront in all the years of seeking. I am extremely hesitant at potentially ostracising the few friends I do have, but I am also aware that naturally this has to happen if I am to allow in a far greater depth of understanding into my life. In an ironic way, opening up my soul to those I love does allows me to see just how loved I am by them. Perhaps by being more honest with myself will allow me to believe in a far greater existence than I have ever done before ? I think this is the case because if the little, yet important things, are entering my life now, than this process would suggest that all things, like people, will also flow to me. Water finds it own level, & at times like these it is essential to embrace such ancient wisdom & knowledge.
So, this rather smaller blog, as opposed to last nights more arduous piece, is about no longer wanting to make apologies for myself in the face of others, for simply being authentic. I want know to reach out, & tell people that this is who I really am, these are my beliefs & although you may, or may not, agree with them, they are mine, & it is important that I share with you this understanding I have of myself now, just as I have shred all other aspects of myself with you. It is my integrity that I risk in sharing myself with you, it is imperative that I do so, not just for my own emotional health, but because I simply want to be closer to you too. Perhaps if I can make one more aware of my authenticity this can promote understanding between us ? Obviously this would be a phenomenal achievement for me to know that my own courage has inspired another to look inside, but if one chooses not to, & walk the other way, then I have to accept this too.
It has been for me extremely challenging, & frightening to of mustered up an amount of courage to enable me open up my soul, & then bear it. It takes deep bravery & the confidence of a lion to do such a thing, but any person that has gone through the monstrous stages of Nigredo, is such a person. This is a person of such brave proportions that opening up their soul to another is the last in a long series of challenges that have been designed, by mankind, in a kind of Darwinian type osmosis, that has taken place over the course of many years, to enable us in finding the truth as to why we exist in the first place. This evolution to a more natural state of enlightenment, where one can enjoy the natural bliss of deep satisfying love & spirituality is, or must be at the very least, every souls right of passage. In the little experience I have had in these matters of evolving my self-respect, I can certainly say that it has been worth the pain of working, & processing my inner shadow. I cannot report that it is all cleaned up, & the density flattened out to the thinness of a pancake, but I do feel healthier just sharing this with you, & understanding why I now do not fear being honest with myself any more.
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