It was a friend that suggested this to me some time ago. He mentioned over supper one evening that he felt my parents had done an excellent job of helping me structure a good personality. A personality that enabled others to feel comfortable & settled in the company of. I mentioned at the time that perhaps that this was just the work I had done on myself. But he disagreed, adding that this could not be because of the trouble I have had with them has been about my own internal struggles. My fathers legacy upon my psyche. This did not really register with me at the time, yet has done today, two months later. Incidentally I have not seen my friend in all this time, neither have I had the opportunity to thank him. So I should do really. His profound insight has enabled me to turn a corner. Let something go. So I am grateful to him for his insight. A profound comment, & heartfelt too.
What my friend told me that evening in Soho meant a lot to me. Although, many people over the years have put themselves into this position & jeopardised our friendship. Or perhaps said something that I have not liked & I have just dropped them & walked away. In fact, when I would do it in the past I derived a certain sense of pleasure from it. George Orwell said ` That the glow of renunciation never lasts long `, & I think that he is right. Because after a while I would feel the pain of loss. Which would indeed cause me to pine & have difficulty letting them go in energetic terms. This would also happen within other situations too. I would make a decision then later regret it. Although I do not with my father. I do miss having a dad at times but I would not want him back as he was. I find it terribly difficult to allow someone a second chance with me, but I am beginning to realise that this can also be quite self-limiting. If a person continues to screw up, like my father does towards me, then it is sensible to cut off ties, no matter how long or intimate the connection has been. If a person can only harm then they have to go. An incompatible person is disastrous, & will cause terrible problems when it come to self-improvement, & progression.
I did not agree with my friends behaviour towards me, but on the other hand, he has given me so much else, insight, education & honesty, just some of the other traits that he has. I could even say that he is more rounded that I, as he has been in regular employment, functions in his capacity as a father, & is married. I am none of those things, & function, happily in a far more insular world. Meaning that I have much more time to think things through, & come up with certain conclusions about him. That perhaps in an alternative environment would mean something completely different to me ? I also feel that the recipient of my behaviour feels sad too at his loss of me. It is as though that person would see me as childish or stubborn. Does this matter ?
It seems as though it is all about setting personal standards in my life. I do not want someone to behave in this way, but at the same time they have positive attributes too. As this situation gets complex it is easier to see that it is about me adapting & accepting people have their faults. Of course having a destructive, arrogant, troubled person continually around is self-harming. An issue. But I think that it is wise also to understand that one should have friends that are varied. If I can begin to understand that everyone is different & will not be perfect for me every time, then I will be able to break away from isolation & become more rounded. This is what one expects from their life partner, but not from individual friends. Individual friends are exactly that & represent different aspects of myself. Not the whole of me. Within the the friend their will be the essence that attracted us together than the rest will be the actual person. Just as this is the case with my friend. The actual element that pulled us together was our music, & this should not be forgotten. It should be remembered at all costs. My friend, rightly or wrongly, should not have behaved in this way, but I can understand why he did it,. Although I myself would have treated him differently had I been in the same situation. This does not make my friend wrong, or even misguided, just something that I personally did not like. I did not like being rejected on the off chance that I should jeopardise his position at work. It shows selfishness & or fear, within his personality. But because I was hurt, understandably because he did not explain his reasoning, I became confused & then upset.
It is just this confusion that has instilled in me this ability to self-preserve & cut the other off. I did it recently with someone that I met. We had been communicating via email, over a long period, as she lived in another part of the country. I liked he company, she seemed intelligent & articulate, but also fun too. She had a kinky instinct for saying the right things at the right time. I enjoyed conversing with her & looked forward to her emails at the end of every other day, or so. We swapped music, laughed, & I suspect tears too. The emails were authentic, real & heartfelt, on both parts. Our communication went on for some months before we actually spoke on the phone, & we had been extremely open with each other. So I was slightly nervous, but anticipatory too about our chat. It was a step closer to actually meeting up since our initial meeting several months earlier.
When we eventually spoke, on the Friday evening, I could not believe what I heard. We chatted for around an hour, & I had to take a deep breath, & bite my tongue when she told me she was already seeing someone. I was shocked. We had been conversing all this time, about us, her personal situation with an ex she was breaking up with, her son, family & what she expected out of life. She had even invited me to stay with her, & then when we finally got to speak, she began telling me about some guy she had been seeing these last couple of months. She even had the audacity to ask my advice about him at one stage ! I felt angry, & hurt by this outburst. She had not been straight with me, she had lied, & it was this that hit me hardest.
Thought I`d write about it, get it out the system.
Saturday, 27 October 2012
Friday, 19 October 2012
BULLYING. LEARNING TO TRUST AGAIN
Today during meditation I suddenly came to understand what the last few months have really all been about; My full transformation. This morning everything just fell into place. I suddenly realised that I no longer needed to feel the way I have been feeling & that, if I so desired, I could have all the things that I desired & that my karma had changed. What came up earlier, & as I write to you today, it still remains, is sensation of deep happiness, & relief that it is all over. The inner battle is done & I feel, for the first time positive, but with real conviction. A Peak Experience feeling, & as I do not like to continue feeling as though there is so much more to work through, this really is a breakthrough. An authentic expansion of consciousness that will not let up, but persists upon growing, as though it has a life of it`s own. And in some way, I guess it is. I think that it is being allowed to grow & catch-up. There is a lot of catching up to do, that`s for sure. Which is now what I want to do. ormation. This morning everything just fell into place. I suddenly realised that I no longer needed to feel the way I have been feeling & that, if I so desired, I could have all the things that I desired & that my karma had changed. What came up earlier, & as I write to you today, it still remains, is sensation of deep happiness, & relief that it is all over. The inner battle is done & I feel, for the first time positive, but with real conviction. A Peak Experience feeling, & as I do not like to continue feeling as though there is so much more to work through, this really is a breakthrough. An authentic expansion of consciousness that will not let up, but persists upon growing, as though it has a life of it`s own. And in some way, I guess it is. I think that it is being allowed to grow & catch-up. There is a lot of catching up to do, that`s for sure. Which is now what I want to do.
Many things have begun looking up, & I cannot get away from this incredible feeling of optimism. It as though I cannot shake off this lingering sense of happy anticipation, that just keeps growing. Colin Wilson, states that if we can continue to capitalise on our feeling of positivity we cannot help but to stay with it, thereby turning our life around to exactly the way we want it to go. If I can concentrate on keeping myself busy & focused upon my main objectives than, like Maslow`s Peak Experience theory, I can, in fact, stay where I want to be emotionally. Sounds irrational, but why should`nt I stay positive & optimistic, as opposed to miserable & forlorn ? The answer is that I do not have to. Depression is an indulgence in many ways. This is because one has a choice with everything that they do. One can choose a feeling of negativity, or not. It is, as, the Eastern philosophers practise, a question of non-attachment to one emotions. The middle way, treating them as though they are just guests, or even an imposition, & then disregarding them. We do, as a society, I feel, get far too attached to our emotions. They control us, determine our fate, & direct the course of our lives. It may be worth mentioning here a piece of research I was reading done in the 1960`s that stated that the majority of people, generally speaking, that suffer from depression were actually neglected & not given enough support, & positive affirmation, by their significant others. What this could mean in their capacity as adults is that depression, & all its symptoms, although subjective, could be a form of attention seeking. When taken alongside the Eastern philosophy mentioned earlier, that one has the choice in all matters of the emotions, the theory holds water. Either way, a healthy positive person, & not one suffering from delusions, is a far more formidable character in the world of the masculine, or external society. This type of person attracts to them only the best, & that which is in accordance with how they feel about themselves.
This is not, however, a person who is highly dominant, egotistical, & claims the success of everything, even when they are part of a team. This is a narcissist, & has no place in the world of the confident, or successful. These extremely weak, pathetic types cover up with obfuscation & lies. They are sadly the small percent of people that fall into the highly dominant. This person is a bully, a liar, & will obstruct others from making the advancement that they want, using the dark arts of obfuscation, smokescreens & denial. When they are confronted they will usually rely upon some non-linear logic to put their justification across. They attract an extraordinary following too. The fan base of this type usually enjoys being bullied, a kind of second rate masochist, that given half a chance will revert to their leaders stupidity the second they turn their back.
The highly dominant is a person who was beaten as a child, neglected, or abused. They find being around better quality types difficult & straining, because they are continually having to stay on top of their game of lies which in turn frustrates everyone else, causing more enemies than friends, & leaving them ill & depressed. The need to cover up feelings of weakness, & inferiority is paramount. Everything about this type of person is aimed at keeping others away from them & it is this that people get sick of. Obviously they can become a great burden on the environment in all sorts of sociological ways. But most of all because of their sheer immaturity they drain those that are close & are a get in the way of all progression. This type are literally a slave to their emotions, & a receptacle for others peoples pleasures. This is not, however, a person who is highly dominant, egotistical, & claims the success of everything, even when they are part of a team. This is a narcissist, & has no place in the world of the confident, or successful. These extremely weak, pathetic types cover up with obfuscation & lies. They are sadly the small percent of people that fall into the highly dominant. This person is a bully, a liar, & will obstruct others from making the advancement that they want, using the dark arts of obfuscation, smokescreens & denial. When they are confronted they will usually rely upon some non-linear logic to put their justification across. They attract an extraordinary following too. The fan base of this type usually enjoys being bullied, a kind of second rate masochist, that given half a chance will revert to their leaders stupidity the second they turn their back.
This is not, however, a person who is highly dominant, egotistical, & claims the success of everything, even when they are part of a team. This is a narcissist, & has no place in the world of the confident, or successful. These extremely weak, pathetic types cover up with obfuscation & lies. They are sadly the small percent of people that fall into the highly dominant. This person is a bully, a liar, & will obstruct others from making the advancement that they want, using the dark arts of obfuscation, smokescreens & denial. When they are confronted they will usually rely upon some non-linear logic to put their justification across. They attract an extraordinary following too. The fan base of this type usually enjoys being bullied, a kind of second rate masochist, that given half a chance will revert to their leaders stupidity the second they turn their back.
The highly dominant is a person who was beaten as a child, neglected, or abused. They find being around better quality types difficult & straining, because they are continually having to stay on top of their game of lies which in turn frustrates everyone else, causing more enemies than friends, & leaving them ill & depressed. The need to cover up feelings of weakness, & inferiority is paramount. Everything about this type of person is aimed at keeping others away from them & it is this that people get sick of. Obviously they can become a great burden on the environment in all sorts of sociological ways. But most of all because of their sheer immaturity they drain those that are close & are a get in the way of all progression. This type are literally a slave to their emotions, & a receptacle for others peoples pleasures. This is not, however, a person who is highly dominant, egotistical, & claims the success of everything, even when they are part of a team. This is a narcissist, & has no place in the world of the confident, or successful. These extremely weak, pathetic types cover up with obfuscation & lies. They are sadly the small percent of people that fall into the highly dominant. This person is a bully, a liar, & will obstruct others from making the advancement that they want, using the dark arts of obfuscation, smokescreens & denial. When they are confronted they will usually rely upon some non-linear logic to put their justification across. They attract an extraordinary following too. The fan base of this type usually enjoys being bullied, a kind of second rate masochist, that given half a chance will revert to their leaders stupidity the second they turn their back.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
NARCISSISTIC PARENTS & THEIR TOXICITY
Sometime ago I decided that the best thing I could do would be to begin looking at the woman I had been seeing a little more in-depth. She had begun exhibiting signs of rudeness & arrogance towards others whilst we were out. I was becoming concerned at her arrogance. Although I certainly had showed signs of outright arrogance in the past, I thought that I had put that one to bed ? Anyway, It all came ahead a couple of weeks ago. We had been out for a drink, everything was good, until we went to a diner afterwards to eat. As we waited for our food to be wrapped she suddenly exploded & demanding that the guys work faster, & that they should see to it that her needs were met immediately. She did`nt seem to understand that she was in a queue of people, & that it was not appropriate to behave as though she were the King Of England in some 16th century novel. I looked at her shocked, & then felt ashamed of myself for being associated with her. I did not know what to do. I thought that if I just walk away from her, she would be left wide open for attack, & that under the circumstances, thought it best to try & discuss with her later what on earth had come over her. The original reasons that I had begun seeing her went straight out the window as I experienced this atrocious behaviour. Luckily they were Arabic, so I could communicate, & express my sincere apologies for my girlfriends disgusting behaviour. They understood, or rather placated me, & I went away thinking they probably see me as a fool for choosing to be with her.
After we got back to my place I chose not to bother mentioning anything of the matter. She was drunk, agitated, & desperate for attention. I felt a row on my hands should I broach the situation with her. I decided to leave it for another time. I remembered her telling me that they were not Arabic, but Turkish. When I challenged this ridiculous statement, it was clear that she knew nothing of what she had said. How could she when she speaks neither of the languages ! I realised only the next day that she was making it up. She was not able to make a positive comment on my Arabic skills. It seemed that she could not cope with someone else having knowledge that she could not understand. She was simply out of her depth. Even after she had begun eating, & she knew that I was a vegetarian, did she persist on asking me if I would like some of her meal. I begun to see similarities with my mother. When I chose to become vegetarian she would goad me about my choice. Had I been younger, there would of been no chance that she would of even taking it on board, & would of continued serving meat to me at lunch times. Perhaps this is why I never bothered trying it before now ? The similarities with this woman & my mother were too close. I could see that both of them were unable to support, or encourage me in any endeavour that I may want to pursue. This is the reason my mother was such an obstacle within my education, She simply did not like education because it was above her, & had I showed signs of intelligence at that time, like the vegetarianism, than she would of ridiculed it, or ignored it. This woman & my mother were the same. This was frightening, but told me so much about who I am now. Anything my mother did not like because she knew nothing about it, or was frightened by it, she kept it away from me. As it happens since I have lived on away from her, I have dedicated my life to study. She does not like it, & it has taken a lot of years for her to come to terms with who I am. Narcissists do not like any form of challenge to their authority. There way is the right way, & that`s that.
The realisation that my new relationship was not going to work out after all made me feel sad at first, but then later relief welled up through me, for getting stuck with someone like this did not bear thinking about. I was sad that I had lost a person that whom on first impressions I enjoyed very much, then later through her narcissistic behaviour, although it covered up feelings of inferiority, I was glad to see the back of her. Eventually, not long after this episode she found an excuse to end our relationship. It was so textbook that it was shameful, but I was not complaining. I never challenged it as I was well aware, by this stage, that life would be better without her. I did not want to see her again.
This actually came about one night that I sent her some photos of my best friends beautiful palatial home. Instead of making a positive comment about it she ended our attachment on the flimsy pretext that I had humiliated her once while we were out . It was easier for her to make up some pointless excuse to end our relationship than it was for hr to than to communicate positive feelings towards the pictures. This is typical of a narcissist. They would rather belittle or humiliate than support or encourage a person. This way they stay can maintain the illusion that they are in control.
The only thing that I am concerned about now is that I have not bothered contacting her. This may backfire on me. A narcissist can become enraged if they realise that they are not being bothered with. Naturally this could go either way for me. She could become very nasty with me, or stay silent, & eventually become depressed as I would not of bothered to contact her. Either way, life`s better without her.
What I have come to understand about myself through this scenario is that I too have been incredibly narcissistic.The thing that kept making me feel uncomfortable about this woman was that I could see aspects of my own narcissism in her behaviour. Whenever I felt uncomfortable I was on some profound level feeling the shame that I had actually done this to others. I was experiencing my own karma being around her. This left me in no doubt that I was about to begin dealing with a very big issue. And if I played my cards right I would come out of this a brand new man.
Yes my narcissism I should mention here a little, just to show my sincerity. I would really enjoy cutting someone off once that had screwed up with me, even once. I could not bear thinking about why they would want to upset them such a wonderful person like me. In fact, I became so precocious at one stage that I had literally nobody around me. I lived in an ivory tower, & nobody could get near. So people stopped trying. I had no work, no love, no girlfriend, nothing. Then, out of sheer despair, as I began looking more closely at my predicament, I began to see that I was in deep pain, & not knowing how to get out of it. I had no money, no outlets, no social life, nothing. So when I went back into therapy to try & deal with this flat, synthetic feeling that was suffocating me, I could not, for I had allocated a beautiful woman, that made me feel uncomfortable & I began placating her, as if I would wanted to possess her. She asked me at the end of our sessions if I would help her get in touch with my employers, as they were rich. She disgusted me, but I thought that I had fallen in love with her. I know now that as I had begun placating her, I convinced myself that this was as good as it gets & just what I needed, just as I did with my mother. I accepted that this was all I was worth. Second rate, therapy with no boundaries. Mentally & emotionally I suffered because of this. My ex-girlfriend had unwittingly shown me just how my narcissistic behaviour had begun to isolate me from the things that I craved. As with the therapist, I was chasing after that which shone, which cut, & which could give nothing, as it was an empty shell. As though I were part of some Shakespearean tragedy, I realised that I had been living in an ivory tower. It was lonely & undignified. I was like some old actor from a different time that is still hanging onto his old glories, but in reality he is washed up, burned out & archaic.
But why had I been doing this to myself ? Why does anyone do this to themselves ? Protection. A person does this to protect themselves when they feel vulnerable & worthless. Although it is not immediate, it is gradual, & it has it`s roots in ones upbringing. My own personal examples come from influences left in me by my parents who are narcissistic.
My father was a big shot in the film industry, & my mother a typical pampered, passive woman of the 1980`s, who knew a good thing when it came along. When it came to choosing to either stay in a dysfunctional relationship with financial security & international travel, or a life of autonomy, she chose the latter, & shut up. Not until around 15 years later, did my father reveal to her that he had been cheating on her all of their marriage, then walked out on her. It would be laughable if it is were not my own life story. Dark irony, I guess.
My parents lack of emotional understanding towards my brother & I bullied me into substituting my own autonomy. Which in turn led to me becoming a people pleaser. Every child has the right to grow up supported & encouraged in whatever they do, by their parents or significant others. This process was frustrated by my mother & fathers striving to have their own needs met by me. This left me desperately striving to make my mark, & to embrace my own autonomy, when all the while my feelings & desires were rode over by one or the other of them. Trying to implement my own dominance was thwarted & this left me frustrated & angry, culminating in a period aggressive behaviour that imploded & ended up with me making some rubbish decisions in my life. My parents immaturity kept me shut off from my individuality & striving to try to find my own path. I had become a people pleaser. This was the only way I could get what I wanted from my parents. For attention, I had to ring a bell that was far too loud for me, just to get a synthetic light switched on, & some unsubstantial food for sustenance. A metaphor of course, but one that ticks all the boxes to how I felt as I look back.
I was an aggressive frustrated boy as I grew up. Always very determined to have my own way, until I learned that I could not & became very sullen on the arrival of my brother. It was expected of me to appreciate him, but today I can see that I just resented his intrusion, & wanted him to go away. Eventually I grew to love him, bit there was always rivalry & envy there. Needless to say, my parents would see this as an opportunity to play us both off against one another. It would annoy me tremendously as I grew up, but nothing could be done. There had been no encouragement to achieve, aspire, or integrate with others. My mother was keen for us to do anything like that, because once again it would mean giving up her only connection to herself. Which is why she was so angry with me when I chose to leave home at 20. I could`nt stand her any more, & had to leave, but because I had not been given any support by her, I went straight out to work. I by-passed college until later, just so that I could be away from her.
The problem was of course that my mother & father simply did not know how to communicate, or show affection. Nobody had ever bothered supporting or encouraging them & they had not taken the time out to learn how to love themselves either. My father far from stupid, had a native intelligence, & a charm that would open doors. They were able to placate others well, & attract certain people to them, but when it came for anything of any more depth, they simply did not have the courage to take further in-roads. They were children when they met & have remained so until this day.
It has taken me a long time to understand them both, & to comprehend the sheer magnitude of their narcissism. The implications it has had upon my life has enabled me to become wiser about narcissism, & it`s ability to protect us, but it`s wiser to grow out of it. It`s been the root cause of my migraines. If I had not shut myself off to my autonomy I would not of had to of been someone else as I grew up. A receptacle for someone else`s pleasure. Just to pleasing others shuts off ones individual lust for life & depth. Then when it is needed one cannot rise to the challenge. It is sad & unforgivable, that a person can do this to there own child, however unwittingly. It is emotionally irresponsible, & the damage it does is so intense that people waste their lives over the fall out.
For me it was far easier to cut off ties with members of my family. Some times people do soldier on, I suppose, but I am not at all this type of person. To me it is a waste holding onto those that are not able to give anything. This is the reason that I wanted to get to the root of the problem. There is a side of me that is a conquistador that needs to root out any life threatening issues. This being probably the biggest ever, has taken a lot longer than I would of liked, but it`s out now & I am coming to terms with the space in me that is without it. It is strange not having the feeling of covering up any longer. Only this morning did I experience an kind of detachment within myself, as though I have let go of the narcissism that used to cover me up. I took myself off down the road to see if I would feel different, but I felt surprisingly normal. I think that this is an equilibrium finding itself in me. a true balancing taking place that is more indicative of who I am today. A normal persona, that does not have to be big & brash as it has been. Just a normal cover to protect myself, no different to clothes. The persona I used to have was stupendous & daft. I would frighten others off, not getting anywhere in the workplace, arousing suspicions, when there was nothing for anyone to be concerned about. I was just a person who did not have a clue how to behave when in certain situations. I was a narcissist. Depp down I was afraid, alone & completely unsure with no sense of self-worth. Just bumbling along, like a tiny little person who could not hold up a massive sign that said " Please look at me ! ". No attention from my parents left me craving it, but not having the ability to cope with it. So would just sabotage it when it came.
This is why I dropped out for a few years so as to find some solace within myself, & break down the door of this narcissistic cell that I had made for myself. There is little point in continuing to apportion blame to my parents. It is as stupid as being angry with a dog for biting you. It is an insult to ones intelligence to be angry with an ignorant people. My mother may today know the damage she has caused me by her extraordinarily stupid decisions, but it is up to me to let it go, & work it through ,so that my life will no longer be affected by those decisions that were made in parents interest 35 years ago.
I read somewhere that narcissistic parents flag up the exact same signs as alcoholic parents. The damage that they inflict is just as painful as the narcissist. I have always been extremely interested in narcissism, ever since I was a student, & its easy to see why since I have stepped away from my own narcissism. The awful legacy their influences leave upon the psyche is tremendous. The aspects of this personality disorder that caused me such terrible problems was that I was snuffed out by them both. I never was able to find out what or who, was my real self. I was a person who pretended to be a good boy, & would try not to cause anyone problems. This is what lead me to feel so helpless, & later powerless, when it came to showing dominance. My autonomy suffered & left me seeking anything profound & mystical that could help. I could not seem to find a way forward & become self-empowered, either in the workplace, how to earn a living, or even finding a decent girlfriend. All these things were alien to me. It was as though I had not been shown anything of the basic life-skills one needs to function in the workplace a parent should be showing their off-spring. Like my parents, I could not look after my emotional state properly, so I learned how to do it properly.
I had to live in a cell when I was growing up, just to exist. Later on, I realised that I had forgotten where I left the key to my cell, so had to continue living there. This is why I suffered from claustrophobia, fears of going out, wanting to stay alone, until I found that I did not want any of these things. In fact, I did love the sun, the warmth, beauty, poetry, the feminine. I suppose this is why I studied Psychotherapy, & then later Policing. I needed to become a conquistador, & then a detective, so I could find the cell key, & let myself out, before it was too late.
I believe that knowing this today I have been able to burn through my issue surrounding my ego. Time will tell, but I do feel tired, yet also convinced that I have seen the ending of who I once was. Perhaps my narcissism has left me & I have begun growing up.
After we got back to my place I chose not to bother mentioning anything of the matter. She was drunk, agitated, & desperate for attention. I felt a row on my hands should I broach the situation with her. I decided to leave it for another time. I remembered her telling me that they were not Arabic, but Turkish. When I challenged this ridiculous statement, it was clear that she knew nothing of what she had said. How could she when she speaks neither of the languages ! I realised only the next day that she was making it up. She was not able to make a positive comment on my Arabic skills. It seemed that she could not cope with someone else having knowledge that she could not understand. She was simply out of her depth. Even after she had begun eating, & she knew that I was a vegetarian, did she persist on asking me if I would like some of her meal. I begun to see similarities with my mother. When I chose to become vegetarian she would goad me about my choice. Had I been younger, there would of been no chance that she would of even taking it on board, & would of continued serving meat to me at lunch times. Perhaps this is why I never bothered trying it before now ? The similarities with this woman & my mother were too close. I could see that both of them were unable to support, or encourage me in any endeavour that I may want to pursue. This is the reason my mother was such an obstacle within my education, She simply did not like education because it was above her, & had I showed signs of intelligence at that time, like the vegetarianism, than she would of ridiculed it, or ignored it. This woman & my mother were the same. This was frightening, but told me so much about who I am now. Anything my mother did not like because she knew nothing about it, or was frightened by it, she kept it away from me. As it happens since I have lived on away from her, I have dedicated my life to study. She does not like it, & it has taken a lot of years for her to come to terms with who I am. Narcissists do not like any form of challenge to their authority. There way is the right way, & that`s that.
The realisation that my new relationship was not going to work out after all made me feel sad at first, but then later relief welled up through me, for getting stuck with someone like this did not bear thinking about. I was sad that I had lost a person that whom on first impressions I enjoyed very much, then later through her narcissistic behaviour, although it covered up feelings of inferiority, I was glad to see the back of her. Eventually, not long after this episode she found an excuse to end our relationship. It was so textbook that it was shameful, but I was not complaining. I never challenged it as I was well aware, by this stage, that life would be better without her. I did not want to see her again.
This actually came about one night that I sent her some photos of my best friends beautiful palatial home. Instead of making a positive comment about it she ended our attachment on the flimsy pretext that I had humiliated her once while we were out . It was easier for her to make up some pointless excuse to end our relationship than it was for hr to than to communicate positive feelings towards the pictures. This is typical of a narcissist. They would rather belittle or humiliate than support or encourage a person. This way they stay can maintain the illusion that they are in control.
The only thing that I am concerned about now is that I have not bothered contacting her. This may backfire on me. A narcissist can become enraged if they realise that they are not being bothered with. Naturally this could go either way for me. She could become very nasty with me, or stay silent, & eventually become depressed as I would not of bothered to contact her. Either way, life`s better without her.
What I have come to understand about myself through this scenario is that I too have been incredibly narcissistic.The thing that kept making me feel uncomfortable about this woman was that I could see aspects of my own narcissism in her behaviour. Whenever I felt uncomfortable I was on some profound level feeling the shame that I had actually done this to others. I was experiencing my own karma being around her. This left me in no doubt that I was about to begin dealing with a very big issue. And if I played my cards right I would come out of this a brand new man.
Yes my narcissism I should mention here a little, just to show my sincerity. I would really enjoy cutting someone off once that had screwed up with me, even once. I could not bear thinking about why they would want to upset them such a wonderful person like me. In fact, I became so precocious at one stage that I had literally nobody around me. I lived in an ivory tower, & nobody could get near. So people stopped trying. I had no work, no love, no girlfriend, nothing. Then, out of sheer despair, as I began looking more closely at my predicament, I began to see that I was in deep pain, & not knowing how to get out of it. I had no money, no outlets, no social life, nothing. So when I went back into therapy to try & deal with this flat, synthetic feeling that was suffocating me, I could not, for I had allocated a beautiful woman, that made me feel uncomfortable & I began placating her, as if I would wanted to possess her. She asked me at the end of our sessions if I would help her get in touch with my employers, as they were rich. She disgusted me, but I thought that I had fallen in love with her. I know now that as I had begun placating her, I convinced myself that this was as good as it gets & just what I needed, just as I did with my mother. I accepted that this was all I was worth. Second rate, therapy with no boundaries. Mentally & emotionally I suffered because of this. My ex-girlfriend had unwittingly shown me just how my narcissistic behaviour had begun to isolate me from the things that I craved. As with the therapist, I was chasing after that which shone, which cut, & which could give nothing, as it was an empty shell. As though I were part of some Shakespearean tragedy, I realised that I had been living in an ivory tower. It was lonely & undignified. I was like some old actor from a different time that is still hanging onto his old glories, but in reality he is washed up, burned out & archaic.
But why had I been doing this to myself ? Why does anyone do this to themselves ? Protection. A person does this to protect themselves when they feel vulnerable & worthless. Although it is not immediate, it is gradual, & it has it`s roots in ones upbringing. My own personal examples come from influences left in me by my parents who are narcissistic.
My father was a big shot in the film industry, & my mother a typical pampered, passive woman of the 1980`s, who knew a good thing when it came along. When it came to choosing to either stay in a dysfunctional relationship with financial security & international travel, or a life of autonomy, she chose the latter, & shut up. Not until around 15 years later, did my father reveal to her that he had been cheating on her all of their marriage, then walked out on her. It would be laughable if it is were not my own life story. Dark irony, I guess.
My parents lack of emotional understanding towards my brother & I bullied me into substituting my own autonomy. Which in turn led to me becoming a people pleaser. Every child has the right to grow up supported & encouraged in whatever they do, by their parents or significant others. This process was frustrated by my mother & fathers striving to have their own needs met by me. This left me desperately striving to make my mark, & to embrace my own autonomy, when all the while my feelings & desires were rode over by one or the other of them. Trying to implement my own dominance was thwarted & this left me frustrated & angry, culminating in a period aggressive behaviour that imploded & ended up with me making some rubbish decisions in my life. My parents immaturity kept me shut off from my individuality & striving to try to find my own path. I had become a people pleaser. This was the only way I could get what I wanted from my parents. For attention, I had to ring a bell that was far too loud for me, just to get a synthetic light switched on, & some unsubstantial food for sustenance. A metaphor of course, but one that ticks all the boxes to how I felt as I look back.
I was an aggressive frustrated boy as I grew up. Always very determined to have my own way, until I learned that I could not & became very sullen on the arrival of my brother. It was expected of me to appreciate him, but today I can see that I just resented his intrusion, & wanted him to go away. Eventually I grew to love him, bit there was always rivalry & envy there. Needless to say, my parents would see this as an opportunity to play us both off against one another. It would annoy me tremendously as I grew up, but nothing could be done. There had been no encouragement to achieve, aspire, or integrate with others. My mother was keen for us to do anything like that, because once again it would mean giving up her only connection to herself. Which is why she was so angry with me when I chose to leave home at 20. I could`nt stand her any more, & had to leave, but because I had not been given any support by her, I went straight out to work. I by-passed college until later, just so that I could be away from her.
The problem was of course that my mother & father simply did not know how to communicate, or show affection. Nobody had ever bothered supporting or encouraging them & they had not taken the time out to learn how to love themselves either. My father far from stupid, had a native intelligence, & a charm that would open doors. They were able to placate others well, & attract certain people to them, but when it came for anything of any more depth, they simply did not have the courage to take further in-roads. They were children when they met & have remained so until this day.
It has taken me a long time to understand them both, & to comprehend the sheer magnitude of their narcissism. The implications it has had upon my life has enabled me to become wiser about narcissism, & it`s ability to protect us, but it`s wiser to grow out of it. It`s been the root cause of my migraines. If I had not shut myself off to my autonomy I would not of had to of been someone else as I grew up. A receptacle for someone else`s pleasure. Just to pleasing others shuts off ones individual lust for life & depth. Then when it is needed one cannot rise to the challenge. It is sad & unforgivable, that a person can do this to there own child, however unwittingly. It is emotionally irresponsible, & the damage it does is so intense that people waste their lives over the fall out.
For me it was far easier to cut off ties with members of my family. Some times people do soldier on, I suppose, but I am not at all this type of person. To me it is a waste holding onto those that are not able to give anything. This is the reason that I wanted to get to the root of the problem. There is a side of me that is a conquistador that needs to root out any life threatening issues. This being probably the biggest ever, has taken a lot longer than I would of liked, but it`s out now & I am coming to terms with the space in me that is without it. It is strange not having the feeling of covering up any longer. Only this morning did I experience an kind of detachment within myself, as though I have let go of the narcissism that used to cover me up. I took myself off down the road to see if I would feel different, but I felt surprisingly normal. I think that this is an equilibrium finding itself in me. a true balancing taking place that is more indicative of who I am today. A normal persona, that does not have to be big & brash as it has been. Just a normal cover to protect myself, no different to clothes. The persona I used to have was stupendous & daft. I would frighten others off, not getting anywhere in the workplace, arousing suspicions, when there was nothing for anyone to be concerned about. I was just a person who did not have a clue how to behave when in certain situations. I was a narcissist. Depp down I was afraid, alone & completely unsure with no sense of self-worth. Just bumbling along, like a tiny little person who could not hold up a massive sign that said " Please look at me ! ". No attention from my parents left me craving it, but not having the ability to cope with it. So would just sabotage it when it came.
This is why I dropped out for a few years so as to find some solace within myself, & break down the door of this narcissistic cell that I had made for myself. There is little point in continuing to apportion blame to my parents. It is as stupid as being angry with a dog for biting you. It is an insult to ones intelligence to be angry with an ignorant people. My mother may today know the damage she has caused me by her extraordinarily stupid decisions, but it is up to me to let it go, & work it through ,so that my life will no longer be affected by those decisions that were made in parents interest 35 years ago.
I read somewhere that narcissistic parents flag up the exact same signs as alcoholic parents. The damage that they inflict is just as painful as the narcissist. I have always been extremely interested in narcissism, ever since I was a student, & its easy to see why since I have stepped away from my own narcissism. The awful legacy their influences leave upon the psyche is tremendous. The aspects of this personality disorder that caused me such terrible problems was that I was snuffed out by them both. I never was able to find out what or who, was my real self. I was a person who pretended to be a good boy, & would try not to cause anyone problems. This is what lead me to feel so helpless, & later powerless, when it came to showing dominance. My autonomy suffered & left me seeking anything profound & mystical that could help. I could not seem to find a way forward & become self-empowered, either in the workplace, how to earn a living, or even finding a decent girlfriend. All these things were alien to me. It was as though I had not been shown anything of the basic life-skills one needs to function in the workplace a parent should be showing their off-spring. Like my parents, I could not look after my emotional state properly, so I learned how to do it properly.
I had to live in a cell when I was growing up, just to exist. Later on, I realised that I had forgotten where I left the key to my cell, so had to continue living there. This is why I suffered from claustrophobia, fears of going out, wanting to stay alone, until I found that I did not want any of these things. In fact, I did love the sun, the warmth, beauty, poetry, the feminine. I suppose this is why I studied Psychotherapy, & then later Policing. I needed to become a conquistador, & then a detective, so I could find the cell key, & let myself out, before it was too late.
I believe that knowing this today I have been able to burn through my issue surrounding my ego. Time will tell, but I do feel tired, yet also convinced that I have seen the ending of who I once was. Perhaps my narcissism has left me & I have begun growing up.
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