ENDING TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

 This was the first draft of a letter that I constructed to a, once dear, old friend. I have sent it, & I needed to share this with you.

 Coming to terms with the end of a twenty year old friendship, that had deteriorated tremendously over the last few years, took confidence & bravery on my part, because I was cutting off a very important, & influential period of my life. It felt like it too, but I knew that I had no other option, if I were to stay true to myself. The cutting off of a man that had once stood like a Roman God in my life. A man that I had projected every feeling that I had ever had, in relation to the masculine, onto, but one that had driven himself to little more than a bigoted, racist, arrogant, old fashioned man, stuck with unresolved issues that were driving him into an early grave. Yet, I felt almost no desire to listen, assist, or try to understand them. 

 He was offensive towards me, & my friends on a recent night out. They were shocked to hear such disgusting, overt racist comments, bar-room politics, & a demeaning attitude towards women; an attitude so out of touch with modern London that he exposed his ` great life` as a sham, & more importantly, a failure. I felt ashamed & disgusted with myself as I reflected on his tremendously disgusting attitude that emanated from his mouth. 

  I have waited for the right time to explain why I had to cut him out of my life.It was an incredibly emotional moment for me, & it feels imperative that I include this incredible moment of transformation in my Blog. With you.

  Hopefully this letter will go some way in expressing my sentiments towards him, & how I feel about myself today ? 

 Here it is, the full letter

 ~ Please forgive my imposition, but I felt compelled to contact you this morning, for I was saddened to see that you found it acceptable not explaining to me why you chose to turn down my Facebook friends request. 

 You may not be aware of the reverberations your actions & behaviour`s have on others, but as a man that I have chosen to call a friend, for over twenty years, & a man that has had a tremendous effect upon my life, it left me feeling unnecessarily saddened, & frustrated. 

 Turning downs a friends request is everybody`s prerogative, but this is just the catalyst for why I am writing to you today. For I have felt the need to communicate with you ever since your ill-fated trip to stay with me recently, because since that time I have received no word of thanks, anger, or any feelings whatsoever as to how you maybe feeling about how your behaviour effected others that evening. This I found strange because my own personal standards do not allow for such crude behaviour towards others. For, I derive great pleasure from treating people, friends especially, with credence & respect. You obviously do not, as you clearly do not feel such graciousness towards yourself.

 Transparency is something that I have noticed is sadly missing from your personality these days, Paul, & that is a shame. It is not my business to ask why, but when your lack of self-respect begins to affect my life, & progression, then I am forced to confront that issue, & take charge of it, so that I am protected from its debilitating influences.

 You have not extended the same amount of decency & gratitude towards me that I would of expected from you. And, for this reason I am sad to have to set a boundary that does not allow for you to be a part of my life any longer. Your attitude towards me is simply incongruous with who I am, & also seriously disrespectful. Unlike before, if I were to leave these feeling inside of me without attention then I would be self-flagellating, & that is no longer an option for me. Therefore, at this time, I do feel that maintaining a friendship with you, Paul, under these conditions, is simply impossible for me. I am worth much, much more than your attitude & personality offer me.

 If you feel that you would like to discuss this further with me, please feel free to contact me at your convenience.

 Sincerely ~

KEITH MOON. A SHY, SENSITIVE INDIVIDUAL.

  Just wanted to write a few words on my old idol, Keith Moon. This is just few lines on how I see Keith today. Perhaps the reason why I took to him so much was because there was a part of me that, like him, lost sight of who I was in pursuit of trying to please others because I was afraid of being authentic, real, alive. Now I no longer feel afraid to speak what I feel as I know that I have something of value to offer others. 

 It is sad that people become hosts for others all their lives, & totally forget who they really are underneath. This is what happened to Keith, & its what happened to me as I grew up. After all these years I can say with deep honesty that I like Keith Moon now. I idolized him because I enjoyed his drumming, but more importantly, I like him because I see him for who he really was, a sensitive, shy individual who was too afraid to be himself. Had he found the real confidence to be who he really was inside then who can say what he would of gone onto become. Certainly something much, much more than he was, & that was superb within itself.

 This is how I see Keith today;

 ~ KEITH MOON WAS FROM A WORKING CLASS BACKGROUND WHO MADE IT HAPPEN, THEN DIDN`T KNOW HOW TO CONTROL IT. UNLIKE THE OTHER MEMBERS HE POSSESSED NO OTHER OUTLET FOR CREATIVITY, OTHER THAN FEEDING HIS OWN STEREOTYPE. HIS NEED TO PLEASE OTHERS TORE HIM APART. IT CONTROLLED & RAVAGED HIM SO MUCH THAT HE LOST SIGHT OF HIS OWN SOUL. HE WAS A SENSITIVE & GENTLE MAN WHO HAD A PATHOLOGICAL NEED TO PLEASE OTHERS. SO MUCH SO THAT HE BECAME INFERIOR & ISOLATED FROM NORMAL, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS. KEITH DIDN`T KNOW WHO HE WAS, ONLY WHAT OTHERS EXPECTED OF HIM. HE FED HIS OWN STEREOTYPE SO WELL THAT IT IN THE END IT KILLED HIM. AT LEAST HE LEFT A LEGACY. MANY WHO HAVE THIS AFFLICTION DO NOT GET THAT OPPORTUNITY. THEY DIE ALONE & UNHEARD, HAVING SQUANDERED THEIR LIFE IN THE PURSUIT OF PLEASING OTHER PEOPLE. KEITH WAS A RECEPTACLE FOR EVERYONE ELSE`S PLEASURE, BUT SADLY, NEVER HIS OWN ~ 

EBAY. RIGHT OR WRONG ?

Either your a negative feedback leaver, or your not. In the world of eBay your one or the other. As a potential seller of vinyl you probably do not want to get into leaving anything negative, because it will return to bite your backside sometime down the line, when you least expect it. It also shows other record dealers, & serious buyers, that you are difficult to deal with, & that will scare some off, especially the nervous, & they are the ones that usually spend big money.

 The whole eBay world is based on knowing your Psychology. If you have unrealistic expectations this is not the place for you. You will get the less experienced selling records that are not up to much, but their feedback should give you some understanding of what they are all about. In other words, if you have been sold some rubbish then sadly, its your own fault. Sorry to be harsh. I have learnt the hard way myself, & now I know what to expect. What you paid for that particular record on eBay you would of not got for the same price in a shop, & most people know this, which is why they take the risk of not seeing the condition of a record. Its morally wrong to leave negative feedback for someone who has sold you rubbish because they are not dealers, they are people clearing out the loft who require an email explaining the unwritten code of record grading. Your also able to get your money back through eBay anyway, so to take this kind of action would just shows naivety on your part. A stern email will suffice. If you do leave negative feedback others will see you as a ` Ball-Buster ` & steer clear of you.

 Thanks for the link. My thoughts; Well, not incredibly desirable records, as far as eBay goes. Marlena Shaw is your strongest point, but its not Marlena Shaw, circa 1968, which is very desirable, its Marlena Shaw 1978, big difference, along with your starting price, & it is this difference that speaks to other sellers & collectors. For what it says is, " I am just starting out - because I have not reached the stage where I can part with better stuff as yet ". 

 You will have difficulty selling this type of stuff at the starting price you have listed them at, Bruce. You may well get rid of one or two, but making the kind of money, I think you want to make, will not happen with these records, or genre either. This genre you have to stick up at 99p, & then suppress your anger when the same cheap-skate keeps buying them off you for 99p.

THE RECORD COLLECTOR.

Your project sounds extremely interesting, & I expect you have, or will soon, come across  a few very peculiar types on your pursuit of the vinyl hoarders. 

 Actually this type needs little introduction. I personally think the collecting mentality it stems from a lack of trust in humankind. A substitute for something that they simply feel not good enough to belong too. For they live a kind of insular existence that continuously drives them to maintain distance from human interaction as they feel they will be let down. They tend to live a bubble existence somewhat like pet owners who have turned their back on the world of human relationship in exchange for the safer, less satisfying & challenging world of animals. After buying records for many years now I have come endlessly encountered this less than confident attitude buried deep inside the psyche of the record collectors. Peculiarly they always tend to be either close to bankruptcy or depression too. 

 After reading your last email I came away wondering if I was actually going to be a good candidate for the type of person you are seeking. I have a large collection of super special records, & I know my stuff, having dedicating my life to my pursuit of quality vinyl, but I have never allowed myself to become overloaded with vinyl. I was taught by my father, early on, that most records are not worth holding onto. The sensible collectors are the ones that have less, but far slicker collections of records, & I tend to fall into that league. For I only have around 5/ 600 records, & in comparison to some that is exceedingly small. But it packs a heavy punch !! 

  For a TV show though I am not really convinced that would sensational enough. Your call though, of course. However, I do have experience & knowledge of records, labels, condition grading of vinyls, & counterfeits. Call it a kinky sixth sense, but it comes in handy when one is up against the more unscrupulous that always seem to be around where there is money to be made. But, perhaps this experience would be helpful to you as you make the show ? If, though, you feel that a smaller, managed collection is beneficial to the production of your show then I would be happy to work alongside you. 

 Annabelle, I thought it important that I explain my exact position for you. This way you can make a valid decision as to whether you think my presence will have a constructive impact or not. It also enables you to have at your disposal all the relevant tools that will assist you in making a quality show. Please do let me know.

 I look forward to hearing back from you

ELLIE THE EX. A REALIZATION.

 Since we last spoke my ex has got married. 

 You may remember that I tried to contact Ellie some time ago, as I didn`t know whether she was single, or not. After doing some snooping around I was able to ascertain that she was engaged to become married. Back then I was unsure of how I felt about this. We had been `over` a while, & it was far from my place to make any comments on her future happiness. So I came to the conclusion that it was a new feeling that I was experiencing, & that I should monitor myself accordingly. 

 Recently the marriage has taken place, & she has posted the photos onto her twitter page, for anyone to look at ( of which I have sent you a link ). I was surprised to feel that I was not in the least bit sad over this. In fact, I began to feel elated, as though I felt great relief, & then mild shock that I had even been involved with someone of this caliber.

 What I want to share with you today is a realization that I have out-grown that part of my life. The schism between Ellie & I, & a whole host of people from back then, is as wide as the Gulf. And had I stayed with her, & in that frame of mind, I would probably be looking as though I fit into one of those pictures. This is why I am reporting today that I am so much happier now. For when I was with her I can now see how utterly miserable I was then. 

SELF DEVELOPMENT PT 1: SOLITUDE & ITS CLEANSING OF THE SOUL.

  ` Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius; & the uniformity of work denotes the hand of a single artist `

 Edward Gibbon,

Today I want to sit down & write a few lines for you because I have stumbled upon something really important & potentially life changing, in a realistic way. I` ve just come back from a work deployment that took me away from the comfort of my home for a few weeks, leaving me feeling, well, odd, but in a positive way. As though it has confirmed to that I really can do what I want to do. This shift from the mundane has, or rather, is beginning to raise my self-knowledge, & with that there is a levelling out of my self-esteem & confidence. Perhaps the real reason I have been able to achieve this is because I have stuck hard & fast to just one thing, & that is solitude.

 When all things were breaking down around my ears, & I couldn`t make it happen, I knew one thing that would, eventually, get me out the patootie, & that was isolation. To get well I had to get real, to get real, I had to get up close & personal with myself, & the only way I could do that was to be alone. During the long days & nights of breakdown & depression, knowing that one day it would end, did not exactly fill me with much hope, but knowing rationally that isolation was the best, & only remedy, for cleansing the soul, I chose to embark upon it nevertheless.

 Eventually I knew that I would come out the other end, one day, but not when, & that was the thing that kept me in denial a lot of the time. Not knowing how to control something was terrifying for me, so I stayed in denial, & like the neurotic, it was much easier pretending to be another person locked to their phobias & issues, then it was embracing the sun, & living holistically.

             

 Returning to the work place recently, & its conventional traditions, that do nothing to evoke a mentally healthy lifestyle, was rather challenging for me. I took it all in my stride on the outside, but internally I was shaking. I had been working from home for quite some time, & the lifestyle it affords can be very seductive, to say the least. That was the main reason I was so perturbed about returning to functioning again, even if it was only for  few weeks. Although, looking back, I can see now that there was no need to worry. Everyone was thoroughly decent , & did not see me as someone who had been out of sorts for a while. They were just accepting of me as another fellow human. I made friends with the exact type I was learning about within. It was a relief to be handed no mantle, projections, or even treated differently. What a blessed relief it is to be normal, & no longer holed up in an ivory tower convincing everyone I am somebody that I am not. The delusions, the denial, loss of love, all speak of a man that was once lost, detached &, but most unsettling, detached. So it was a pleasant surprise to realize that my inner loss was not not affecting me. I learnt that there was no need to pretend to be someone else, or run away from anything challenging, & that I can handle all that is thrown at me now.

    Since the deployment has finished I have systematically been able to monitor my levels of confidence & it is becoming extremely clear to me that something has changed within me. My levels of communication are of a much better quality then ever before. I found myself conversing with various levels of ranking, & this empowered  me to converse with all manners of people. We exchanged ideas, details & some of us have chosen to remain friends.

  Yesterday I even took coffee in Camden with one of these fellows that I recently met. He showed me a part of his life, what is important to him, & how much he felt safe reaching out to me. He chose me. Perhaps he could see the value of having in me in his life as a friend ? Perhaps, anything ? But what is important is that I can now see the importance of him in my life, whereas once I could not. Until now I have rarely been able to see anyone, or anything, in my life that was ever worth fighting for. I can now.

 Today I have the ability to see how important being alone was for those few years. For they have given me something priceless, they have given me back my self-respect, & that is about the most important & responsible thing I have ever done with my life. Through my period of solitude I have found the ability to compare & contrast with who I was in the past, & through this I am able to see my levels of maturation & what I am now capable as a man accepted myself as a man. No longer do I feel hopeless or vulnerable. I am able to make better judgement calls, more improved decision that is bringing into my life various routes that will are add value to my life. I see my weaknesses & I now instinctively know how to incubate them. I am learning how to deal effectively with my past issues surrounding self-harm & personal sabotage. I can set boundaries that work, & that others feel relived to know exist. Solitude has enabled me to begin embracing my masculinity & become the potential I have always wanted to become, that I have known always existed somewhere within.

  My period of solitude was very difficult, & took from me much. I have been angry with it, & I have bowed at its feet, as though it were some personal God. But the one thing that I have never done is pay it no mind, I have never once disrespected it. For solitude has been my very own friend, father & mother, & that is about as important as it gets, if you want to live well.

 Bye for now,

 P