Edward Gibbon,
Today I want to sit down & write a few lines for you because I have stumbled upon something really important & potentially life changing, in a realistic way. I` ve just come back from a work deployment that took me away from the comfort of my home for a few weeks, leaving me feeling, well, odd, but in a positive way. As though it has confirmed to that I really can do what I want to do. This shift from the mundane has, or rather, is beginning to raise my self-knowledge, & with that there is a levelling out of my self-esteem & confidence. Perhaps the real reason I have been able to achieve this is because I have stuck hard & fast to just one thing, & that is solitude.
When all things were breaking down around my ears, & I couldn`t make it happen, I knew one thing that would, eventually, get me out the patootie, & that was isolation. To get well I had to get real, to get real, I had to get up close & personal with myself, & the only way I could do that was to be alone. During the long days & nights of breakdown & depression, knowing that one day it would end, did not exactly fill me with much hope, but knowing rationally that isolation was the best, & only remedy, for cleansing the soul, I chose to embark upon it nevertheless.
Eventually I knew that I would come out the other end, one day, but not when, & that was the thing that kept me in denial a lot of the time. Not knowing how to control something was terrifying for me, so I stayed in denial, & like the neurotic, it was much easier pretending to be another person locked to their phobias & issues, then it was embracing the sun, & living holistically.
Returning to the work place recently, & its conventional traditions, that do nothing to evoke a mentally healthy lifestyle, was rather challenging for me. I took it all in my stride on the outside, but internally I was shaking. I had been working from home for quite some time, & the lifestyle it affords can be very seductive, to say the least. That was the main reason I was so perturbed about returning to functioning again, even if it was only for few weeks. Although, looking back, I can see now that there was no need to worry. Everyone was thoroughly decent , & did not see me as someone who had been out of sorts for a while. They were just accepting of me as another fellow human. I made friends with the exact type I was learning about within. It was a relief to be handed no mantle, projections, or even treated differently. What a blessed relief it is to be normal, & no longer holed up in an ivory tower convincing everyone I am somebody that I am not. The delusions, the denial, loss of love, all speak of a man that was once lost, detached &, but most unsettling, detached. So it was a pleasant surprise to realize that my inner loss was not not affecting me. I learnt that there was no need to pretend to be someone else, or run away from anything challenging, & that I can handle all that is thrown at me now.
Since the deployment has finished I have systematically been able to monitor my levels of confidence & it is becoming extremely clear to me that something has changed within me. My levels of communication are of a much better quality then ever before. I found myself conversing with various levels of ranking, & this empowered me to converse with all manners of people. We exchanged ideas, details & some of us have chosen to remain friends.
Yesterday I even took coffee in Camden with one of these fellows that I recently met. He showed me a part of his life, what is important to him, & how much he felt safe reaching out to me. He chose me. Perhaps he could see the value of having in me in his life as a friend ? Perhaps, anything ? But what is important is that I can now see the importance of him in my life, whereas once I could not. Until now I have rarely been able to see anyone, or anything, in my life that was ever worth fighting for. I can now.
Today I have the ability to see how important being alone was for those few years. For they have given me something priceless, they have given me back my self-respect, & that is about the most important & responsible thing I have ever done with my life. Through my period of solitude I have found the ability to compare & contrast with who I was in the past, & through this I am able to see my levels of maturation & what I am now capable as a man accepted myself as a man. No longer do I feel hopeless or vulnerable. I am able to make better judgement calls, more improved decision that is bringing into my life various routes that will are add value to my life. I see my weaknesses & I now instinctively know how to incubate them. I am learning how to deal effectively with my past issues surrounding self-harm & personal sabotage. I can set boundaries that work, & that others feel relived to know exist. Solitude has enabled me to begin embracing my masculinity & become the potential I have always wanted to become, that I have known always existed somewhere within.
My period of solitude was very difficult, & took from me much. I have been angry with it, & I have bowed at its feet, as though it were some personal God. But the one thing that I have never done is pay it no mind, I have never once disrespected it. For solitude has been my very own friend, father & mother, & that is about as important as it gets, if you want to live well.
Bye for now,
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