TOXIC PARENTS & THE DAMAGE THEY DO.

`Being a parent enables you to understand your own parents better `, I can understand that. It must take a lot of reflection  & emotional awareness to do a good job, Les ? 

 I can see by your photos that you have mastered something that was once perhaps not large enough to accommodate who you have become. Les Snr, like my own Father, was a massive personality & had a career that reinforced his masculinity equally. Being children that grew up in the shadow of such monumental achievements, I can now see, is incredibly challenging. Personally, I feel that this can sometimes have an adverse effect on a child`s positive esteem & growth if it is not handled correctly. My own Father wanted to achieve something great &, on some level he has, but it is a pyrrhic victory because he ended up losing both his sons in the process, like some tragic part in Macbeth. 

Certainly my own sense of self-esteem was extremely fragile for a long time. As a younger man I compensated this insecurity by manufacturing an over-inflated ego. My narcissism on some level saved me, but it was also a double edged sword, or a false sense of security, because all it did was dig me in deeper & locked me into an ivory tower. This left me isolated & vulnerable. 

 Once everything was a challenge, just walking down the high street for provisions was tough, so I became reclusive & simply worked when I needed to. This went on for years. Externally I would rather be someone else than me, so I did. I stayed away from intimate relations, anything that would open me up, because I was in deep pain. The thought of a loving, satisfying relationship filled me with fear & so naturally I stayed away from anything vaguely functional. The few relations I did have were damaging & dysfunctional, & eventually I stayed away from those too. Buddhism, Therapy & music became my soul mates. They were good bed-fellows.

 Today, reflecting upon those dark times it is clear to see that I have recovered. Coming away from Brian, so that I could concentrate upon my bereavement, was essential. An action that I needed to effectuate if I was to survive, & my decision worked. Its been six years since I spoke with him & only now am I beginning to feel strong enough to think about my Father without becoming frustrated. 

COAT & BADGE - PUTNEY. A REVIEW

The Coat & Badge is Putney`s premier drinking shop. The moment one steps inside the cosy confines of its eloquent interior one instantly feels at home. Nothing is ever too much trouble for Gavin & his friendly, caring staff. Their not only a great team, but people that really care about their customers. Whether its a blanket for the garden, just a chat, or some peace after a long day, the guys behind the bar will sort it. Next time your in town check out the Coat, as we locals fondly call it, & experience the uniqueness of what this quintessential English pub has to offer. 

COMING DOWN FAST - CHARLES MANSON & THE FAMILY - SIMON WELLS. A REVIEW.

 Just finished Coming Down Fast - Charles Manson. it was incredible.

 Not sure I have read anything so informative, impassioned & learned on Charles Manson & The Family before.   The book was more than a great read it was a kind of kinky time machine. A piece of work that transferred me from one period of the 1960`s, along with all its neurosis, & into another.                              
 Coming Down Fast is as a tour de force & does not let up. Neither does it disappoint or fail on any level. It answered all my questions & opened me up to the many more possibilities of pain & misery that The Family potentially caused then & even today.  The book was more than a great read it was a kind of kinky time machine. A piece of work that transferred me from one period of the 1960`s, along with all its neurosis, & into another.                              

 At times the book`s realism left me feeling as though I was actually travelling around the by-ways of Los Angeles, circa 1968, with Manson & his gang of merry pranksters. So powerful was the transference that at times I found myself making love with them, exchanging knowledge, eating in sandy alcoves, dancing round fires in the desert, even accepting views that I would never under any circumstances consider.                              
 Manson was a dark character, no two ways about it & the the women were deeply & profoundly vulnerable when they met him. Manson was able to reinforce his twisted logic & self-belief onto them by utilizing the profound effects of LSD, & Nuero Linguistics Psychology techniques. Years of incarceration had left Manson to teach himself many techniques aimed at controlling others that were vulnerable. He was intelligent, for sure, but the same way a bully is that knows his prey. I came away thinking that perhaps Manson was simply a carbon copy of his dysfunctional Mother, who was also had a disturbed & controlling, nature towards those she needed.

 Manson`s Mother had an awful influence upon him, & I struggle to recall his Father at all. There is mention of him, but his presence is slim, being denigrated to a bit-part player in Manson life. Like his Mother, anybody who became involved with Manson suffered, & there his Father falls into this category too.

 The controversy still surrounds Manson & The Family. The misery that they caused till exists today. Recently I attempted to discuss Manson`s music in a closed Facebook group that I belong to & I found myself at the end of another`s exceedingly sharp tounge berating me for even attempting to introduce his music to the group. Manson`s influence is still far-reaching. Just something as simple as discussing Manson` musical output, that Neil Young, The Beach Boys & many others all endorsed, can be dangerous.              

 The end of the book I found extremely enlightening. It was fascinating to read about what was happening now. Desperately I wanted to be made aware of what they had been doing with their lives since their time of incarceration. Equally I wanted understand the geography too. Do people still attend these grim places ? And if so what do they do when they are there ? Do they sit & worship them as though they were tabernacles of some close historical horror that only the they uniquely understand ?

The women are tragic; Susan, Patrica & Linda. I make no excuses for what they did. It was ghastly, cruel & horrific. Yet, for the sake of Manson they reneged their lives & their freedom. Squeaky I am not sure about, she seems happy to be in prison simply because Manson & the others two are. Perhaps she has some kind of misguided, bastard loyalty that only she understands ? Maybe the assassination that she attempted much later, after the rest of the crew were sent down, upon Gerald Ford now provides comfort for her in her old age ?                        

 The Joel Pugh/ Bruce Davis twist at the end was a real head turner. Scary because Davis may well have been The Zodiac killer. This profound & deeply disturbing fast-ball quite literally shocked me. The reverberations of fear had me hiding behind the couch instantly. The Zodiac killings, as they were termed by Californian authorities, was carried about by a supremely intelligent, but psychotic murderer. frighteningly, he was never caught. What Simon Wells has done, for the very first time in print, is connect, quite logically, Bruce Davis with the killings.The timings add up, the personalities sure do add up & after Davis incarcerated the killing simply stopped. Was The Son Of Sam, & even the Oklahoma Bomber connected with the long reaches of crime, murder & suffering that The Family became involved in ? The potential is daunting, for there are those out there that would still today carry out any wishes that Manson or Davis wanted.                                          
 There were points in the book that really stood out for me, like picturing Manson & his girls hanging out in recording studios with Terry Melcher & Dennis Wilson. Seeing an apparition of them all dancing together at The Whiskey A Go Go also really grabbed me. Incredible images thanks to Wells` superb annotation.                
                       
 At times I was close to tears, then in a moment I was up dancing to The White Album. One evening struggling to get to sleep I found myself getting up & taking a peek out the bedroom window. What I saw as I looked through the darkness was an apparition of Sadie Atkins dancing on the lawn. She was calling my name like some Hindu Goddess who knows a mans weaknesses far too well. Quickly I ran back & hid under the sheets still hearing " Come out, dance with me ". This is an example of the weight & might of Wells Coming Down Fast.                                                            

  Before I begun reading Simon`s work I came across a negative review on Amazon against Wells book. Personally I think is somewhat unfair. It goes nowhere near taking into account several incredible points that that Wells brought up with his fantastic research. Namely that the Joel Pugh murder in London happened the exact same time Bruce Davis, the man that could be attached to the Zodiac killings, was in London on a pilgrimage to Sussex looking into Scientology. The connection is extremely important in today`s light, especially when reviewing the tentacles that Manson`s criminality has wrecked upon the collective psyche of nations over the last forty years. To attempt to rubbish this incredible connection, between London & Manson, is just ignorant & naive. For Wells work opens up the real potential for people to begin finding answers into missing friends & family that could well of become Family victims. Equally important the possibility of an international occult crime fraternity that could be thriving to this day.                                

 The book was wonderful & I think that it is an essential read for anyone interested, not only in Charles Manson & The Family, but in the odd & dysfunctional period of time that led up to the 1970`s, here & in the States. It was a dark period that ended abominably on August 10th 1969.

 Coming Down Fast is worth a few pounds of anyone`s money. Read it, enjoy it, be with Simon Wells, because this cat knows where its at.

Colin Wilson & The Boston Strangler. Psychopaths.

Have you read any of Colin Wilson`s work ?

 Wilson is a Philosopher/ Criminologist. He was the first modern day theorist to write about the concept of how psychology can be utilized effectively to capture serial killers. He wrote, what I think, is his masterpiece; The Psychology Of Murder, back in 1970. He did most of his research at the FBI HQ, in the States, & at that time he also gave a series of lectures to those training there, which, by all accounts were incredible & groundbreaking. Wish I had of been there ! Although, the first person to use psychoanalytical skills to catch a serial killer was James A Brussel in the early 1960`s.

 Brussel was a practicing Psychoanalyst in Boston Massachusetts who offered his skills to the Police when the investigation into, what would later become known as The Boston Strangler case, stalled. Bruseel employed typical Analytical skills that his education afforded. He was able to describe the type of person who could & would do something as horrendous as Albert De Salvo extrapolated onto the rich, older women of Boston in 1963. 

 Brussel began by breaking down the facts the Police gave him. Through this interaction with the Police Brussel was able to explain how the suspect would dress, where he from originally & whether he smoked or not. He was even able to tell Officers that the suspect would miss a bottom button on his cardigan/ jacket, due to an altercation he would of had with his Mother, or significant female other, when he was around four or five.

 De Salvo was arrested initially due to the way he fastened his cardigan. He was spotted leaving his place of work as a janitor with his bottom cardigan button fastened wrongly ! He admitted to the killings & Brussel, rightfully, went down in history as a genius.

The Bully Is The Vulnerable One.

 Let me explain, from my own perspective how I see emotional vulnerability in a relationship; When a person is emotionally vulnerable, for whatever reason, it becomes much easier for them to be manipulated by other, more dominant people. Like Manson, in the book I am, still, reading. This despot was able to concoct a persona which was built upon lies & a twisted logic, or reflections of his own angry psyche, & influence vulnerable people. People that had been damaged by others. He, like all bullies, was able to align himself with the disposed & emotionally fraught, then control them. He reinforced this dominance by plying them with acid & very endearing stories about how wonderful they were to him. How they were all one big, happy family. Manson was able to portray himself as a kind, loving Father type, who understood them all individually. Yet all he was really doing was controlling them all for his own good. First it was for company, then gratification & then later murder, but all for his own gain.

 Manson was an outcast of society. Someone who had been in prison all his life, others, the majority of society did want to be around people like him so they rejected him, naturally. But, like all people, he still needed love, attention, touch. His drive to achieve this took him along the path that he went down. He manipulated the vulnerable so that he could feel love, as nobody normal would go near him. Its no surprising he got others to kill for him. In fact, I`m surprised he never killed more. With the burning hatred he clearly had it would not be surprising to read that he murdered for fun. 

Chelsea Park Gardens. My favourite place in London.

 Chelsea Park Gardens. One of London`s best kept secrets. I feel guilty just writing about it.

 As a child my Grandmother would walk me through the roads leading into the Gardens whenever she traveled from Richmond to visit her old school chum, Unity. With tales of her childhood & schooling in Chelsea along the way she would thrill us. We would be taken to visit her old school friend. Unity lived on the far end, near the Kings Road, & she baked the most glorious scones in her kitchen that overlooked the path & front lawns. As her & my Grandmother would talk we were allowed to eat as many scones as we wanted, much more than would normally be the case, had our Mother of been there.

 Grandmother would always allow my Brother & I to run along the forbidden pathway, & roll about on the grass, whether permitting, along side all the beautiful houses, & should anyone give her a disapproving look Unity & my Grandmother would pretend to tell us off, then chuckle to themselves as they went back inside.

 Now, years later, & my Grandmother gone, I always walk through the Gardens on my way into Chelsea. I never let an opportunity pass me by if I ever have a guest with me either. For it would be sacrosanct, & a little selfish, not to share the beauty of the Gardens with my guest. For me today, the gardens are a wonderfully meaningful place. Its hard to overstate just how much they represent in terms of what is good & kind in the world. Like a beacon of light in an otherwise chaotic, confused London, the Gardens give hope, share & enable a person to feel strong again. The gardens heal, & give back to a person their belief in what is important again. Go to the gardens, enjoy its freedom, but be warned, their is magic around there, & you may suddenly find yourself wanting to run along the grass pathways & become a nuisance, just like us.

PJ Harvey - A Place Called Home. A Poem

 PJ stares at me, lets me know that I should know better. That, in some way I should not be doing what I am doing. She tells me that I am making moves that are unkind, without thought, nasty. That the feminine crap I whittle on about no longer washes, that I`m now facing real flesh & blood, women, not apparitions, & their bleeding. Would she believe me if I told her I was honest, that I was learning about others after a long silence, teaching myself. My actions are borne of naivety & innocence ?

 Those eyes, that look, staring intently at me into what only SHE sees when HE stops clarifying what SHE already knows. SHE knows this is the truth, & I`m lying. SHE knows.

 This is intimidating, she knows what I am doing, she sees it, & that is good enough for her. I have one chance here. One chance to grow up, be someone real, I see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice, but can I ? She moves away, becomes ethereal. My fear envelopes my thoughts. The more I consider, rationalize, step out, the more she fades, I`m suddenly shown my fear, & its terrifying.

Man. A Short Poem

Everything is coming together. My spirituality, masculinity, love, feminine, sub-consciousness, work, writing, all assimilating, maturing, finding their comfort-ability within me. I am becoming whole, in love, attracting what I need, what I want. Nigredo is resolved & now I honour the feminine. She is just & I am no longer lost in her.complexity.

 At last, I am a man.