TOXIC PARENTS & THE DAMAGE THEY DO.

`Being a parent enables you to understand your own parents better `, I can understand that. It must take a lot of reflection  & emotional awareness to do a good job, Les ? 

 I can see by your photos that you have mastered something that was once perhaps not large enough to accommodate who you have become. Les Snr, like my own Father, was a massive personality & had a career that reinforced his masculinity equally. Being children that grew up in the shadow of such monumental achievements, I can now see, is incredibly challenging. Personally, I feel that this can sometimes have an adverse effect on a child`s positive esteem & growth if it is not handled correctly. My own Father wanted to achieve something great &, on some level he has, but it is a pyrrhic victory because he ended up losing both his sons in the process, like some tragic part in Macbeth. 

Certainly my own sense of self-esteem was extremely fragile for a long time. As a younger man I compensated this insecurity by manufacturing an over-inflated ego. My narcissism on some level saved me, but it was also a double edged sword, or a false sense of security, because all it did was dig me in deeper & locked me into an ivory tower. This left me isolated & vulnerable. 

 Once everything was a challenge, just walking down the high street for provisions was tough, so I became reclusive & simply worked when I needed to. This went on for years. Externally I would rather be someone else than me, so I did. I stayed away from intimate relations, anything that would open me up, because I was in deep pain. The thought of a loving, satisfying relationship filled me with fear & so naturally I stayed away from anything vaguely functional. The few relations I did have were damaging & dysfunctional, & eventually I stayed away from those too. Buddhism, Therapy & music became my soul mates. They were good bed-fellows.

 Today, reflecting upon those dark times it is clear to see that I have recovered. Coming away from Brian, so that I could concentrate upon my bereavement, was essential. An action that I needed to effectuate if I was to survive, & my decision worked. Its been six years since I spoke with him & only now am I beginning to feel strong enough to think about my Father without becoming frustrated.