LOSING A FRIEND. SOME THOUGHTS ON A CORRESPONDENCE.

 My friend Gerd, whom you have met, at Citizens, is today marrying someone so terribly bad for him, & one that will cause him to regret his actions later on. Not being one for pretence, I simply could not justify the cost of the flight, or the time spent indulging her. The wedding location is all her choice, & it is in the back of beyond. In fact, something tells me that she actually chose such a remote Italian location, so that most would not bother, because that is what has happened.

  She hates me & has kind of let me know over the time I have known her, in her quite feminine way, all because Gerd & I have history. We go back a long time, & both of us have been through some very challenging times over these last twelve years of friendship, including losing Nathan.

 She did her utmost to be my friend when we were first introduced, but since then it deteriorated, due to her aggressive ways. I began seeing through the cracks about the same time she she began pulling away from me. Her natural propensity for nastiness & humiliation began to creep through, & it was nasty. She patronised me once in front of friends at a bar-b-q Gerd had laid on, in honour of his birthday, when I mentioned to Lisa, a mutual friend, that I spoke Arabic, she actually scoffed, & said at the top of her voice, " Come off it, you speaking Arabic, I don`t think so ". Naturally, I let her have it, & that was the first kidney punch that did damage. On another occasion she said in front of friends that my vegetarianism was just a fad, & that I would` grow out of it soon`, even the person I was talking to looked away, & went red. My mum, who also knows her, said that she was perhaps just feeling inferior on those days, but I said no way, she is just rude & arrogant. A control freak to be avoided. Socially dysfunctional, is a more becoming term for her, & Gerd is marrying into that.

 She is extraordinarily ugly, Matt, & I do not say this as a joke, for it is no laughing matter, but I do feel that she is very self-conscious of this flaw in her genes. Her sister, on the other hand is beautiful & looks Italian, & wonderful. But not Christin, these two German women could not be farther from each other in personality, & looks. When I first met her I actually thought that she was ossifying, literally turning to stone in front of my very eyes, & she may well be for all I know. But I don`t care. When I told Mark, who is out there right now, he said, " Fuck that, she looks like Max Wall to me ! "

  That`s why I could not find the gumption to step up to the mantle this week, & go along, Matt. Even though my mate wanted me to, naturally. I could not, & I also told him so, but in a respectful way. It is unnecessary to hurt his feelings.

 She would be pleased I never made it. She would also be angry because I text him this morning to wish him every success for his wedding day. I did it for him, but he replied, we both thank you, & I knew in that moment that it was the end of our long friendship. 

 Perhaps that sheds some light on what I was rattling on about yesterday, just like a tin tray full of crockery !

 Course it hurts, he was my friend.

THE OCCULT. TAKEN FROM A CORRESPONDENCE.

It is, in my eyes, a print. The paper is of a quality that would contain an ink screen-print. It is most definitely student art, once again, the paper is a give away, as it was incredibly cheap, & institutions bought it as an alternative to better quality paper in the late 1960`s. As far as the theme goes, it has subtle undertones of Bosch & Crowley, which indicates Black Magic, or at least Devil Worshipping. The fact that there is an alien involved, with a child, & on a horse, goes to show that the cocktail of darkness & magic is intertwined with the higher self, & releasing of child-like attachments to the material self. Most imagery that conglomerates these themes, as your picture does, usually dates back from the late 1960`s & early `70`s, when Witchcraft & Black Magic was having a renaissance, of sorts. There are also many symbols, if one looks hard enough, but in all fairness, one would need to understand the Occult a little to see, which suggest that the artist belonged to a cult, or coven. This reinforces my view that Black Magic is the main, yet, subtle theme running through the picture. The fact that there is no highly sexed imagery involved, as their usually is in Devil Worshipping, speaks subtly, telling us that the artist was at an advanced level within his art. The whole point of the Occult is to refine oneself to the level that surpasses material attachments, so that one is no longer at the mercy of illusions, sex is the illusion here, this way, like the spaceman, he can, by practising his art, return to his master, Ledivah. 

 One last, & most important, give away, that the uninitiated would not know, nor see, are the eyes of the cats. They are there as the harbingers of fate. What the cat sees, the Devil sees, & it is for this purpose that they are there. The artist knew this, & needed his audience to feel that, wherever the picture rests, his Master will penetrate the owners unconsciousness, & re-organise their soul, which is the worst outcome, as the owner would not be aware of what is happening to them. By taking charge of himself, through his practises, the artist would not need his Master to organise his soul, he would fare better by doing it for himself, by austerity, & Black Magic. 

 The picture is in honour of the artists Master, & is showing him that he is ready for initiation, & that he can now be assimilated into deeper, fuller practises.

FEAR, OR IS IT REALLY JUST STIFLED SUCCESS ?

 Being authentic. What an achievement it is to arrive at the door of such dignity. Many never get there, & some die trying to reach the door. Some would rather stay in denial, & away from themselves, & many aggressively pursue the path of the destructive as a way of hurting others so as not to look inside at their inner pain.

 In my previous Blog I began to understand what it actually means to be authentic, & what came up for me was a deeper understanding of my process of transition that is taking place & seeing me stepping back into the world again, & away from my fear of it.

  Fear. A small word that conjures up images of all sorts of terrors. At worst, it can lead people to take their own lives, & yet it is such a small word. So why do we allow it to take up such a large part of our lives ? The fact is we actually don`t, but what we do allow is for our lack of self-worth to shatter our desire to realsie our objectives. Then vulnerability takes hold in many other tiny areas within our emotional state, & we then have no idea why we cannot accomplish what it is that we desire to achieve.

 What do I mean by this ? Well, many scenarios that we go through in our lives rely heavily upon us to be strong, focused, & grounded, so that we can achieve an objective, but a large percentage of us,  most of the time, cannot do this. Through a lack of self-worth, we sabotage these objectives before they have a chance to materialise, & the only way of breaking this cycle of futility is by getting authentic & facing our fears. So the point I was making was that fear is just an illusion, & actually does not exist. It is other, more profound emotions that exist, but they have nothing to do with fear. This could be a person, for example, who is afraid of the police knocking on their door after they have committed a crime. Now, it`s easy for you to say, " that is fear ", but you would be wrong, because what it is, is guilt. The man knows he has committed a crime, but has tried to get away with his act of treachery against another, & now feels the shame of guilt at being confronted by his actions. Fear does not actually enter the equation. The man is in the wrong, & for whatever reason, chose to commit the crime, yet does not want to be arrested. He is, in fact, nervous, guilty, ashamed, but not fearful. The point I am cutting hairs over is this; fear is the false emotion one uses to cover up the real cause of why we do something. Shame plays a bigger part in the dysfunctional behaviour that leads onto the cause of so many reasons as to why one sabotages themselves. So many crisis of faith could be averted if one could only find the gumption to face up to their responsibilities, & be authentic with themselves. Being honest, brave & conscientious does take courage, of course, & time too, depending on the depth of the problems, but it is something to be proud of once it is achieved, & as my profile states, should be the ultimate goal of every person on the planet.

 Check out your feeling. Is it really fear, or are you just kidding yourself because you don`t feel worthy of achieving that goal of yours ? Because if you can be honest with yourself, you will see that you are not afraid of anything at all, but that deep inside of you there is another emotion that wants to be heard. Listen to it, & you will get that goal in the bag, straight away. Deny it, & call it fear, & you will lose out. Don`t be a loser, due to emotional ignorance, hear what your feelings are trying to tell you, & start reaping the rewards that is your destiny.

 Peace

 P

PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS - GOIN` TO MEMPHIS, CBS, 1968. UPDATE.

 Recently picked up a copy of Paul Revere & The Raiders - Goin` To Memphis, on CBS.  I heard it playing in a local vinyl shop, as I was shopping for the collection. I was hooked after hearing these guys putting down some very good grooves. I just had to snap it up, & get it home quickly for a spin.

 What an album, I really need to shout about this one a bit. The minute I saw the cover, I knew it was for me, & just to when things were really hotting up in there, I saw that it was released in my favourite year, to boot, & one of the best ever years for quality music; 1968.

Well, after playing it for about the third time, it sounded even better. In fact, it just keep growing & growing, I just can`t get enough of Goin` To Memphis. Let me tell you about it a bit, & maybe you`ll get that same ole groovy bug I got right now, & zoom out to get yourself a copy, just like me ?

 The tracks on it are really soulful, but with a solid 1960`s hard groove, that comes straight out the Memphis / Atlantic back-beat home. The horns know what they are doing, & I would not be surprised to learn that Steve Cropper is not somewhere in the background advising these guys, for they have really got their thing together. This isn`t just straight 1960`s bubblegum pop, this is Soul, & done so very well.. This is in the spiritual vein of The Rascals, Wilson Picket, even Otis Redding, dare I say ?

 Side two, really opens up wide with a couple of wonderful tracks entitled  - I Don`t Want Nobody To Lead Me On, then straight into, I`m A Loser Too. In my eyes, these two tracks carry the album. There strong, solid, & have been strategically placed, so that by the time the first side is over, your totally prepared  for these two scorchers. They leave you gasping for more, & really do cut it. This is by no means of any detriment to the other tracks, but side two is much stronger than the first, which leave me wondering whether it was cut live in the studio, or at least kept in sequence as to the original song line-up sequence. Try & see through the bog standard covers, these I would imagine are cut strictly for the teeny bopper fan base, get onto the originals. This is where Mark Lindsay & the chaps really cut it. The originals are the genuine scorchers of the album, & carry the weight. There so authentic it aches. Really, I mean it.

  Regretfully, I never knew too much about Paul Revere & The Raiders, & in particularly, Mark Lindsay, the lead vocalist, who is just phenomenal, until recently. The odd track I had heard I enjoyed, such as, Hungry, but for a predominantly Jazz fan, I found their groove just that bit too pop for my liking. Although, I do really dig that late `1960`s, Psychedelic / Garage sound, but it does have to be done well, & if it`s not it just drains me, so getting into them that bit more due to the advent of this new find, I began to see that the Raiders actually do their thing with majestic proportions, & they dressed to prove the point too. A renaissance ? Perhaps, I have been finding myself checking out you-tube clips, & the prices of their albums on various sites, so it does look as though I will now be purchasing more of their output.

 Goin` To Memphis has really done something for me, & I can`t put my finger on what it is right now, but it feels good, really good, because it`s an authentic feeling I am digging, & when an album leaves that kind of vibration inside, you know it`s real, & powerful too.

 The linear notes are second to none, & in many ways, like many others, I`m sure at the time, sold the album. The likes of Isaac Hayes, Rufus Thomas & David Porter, have all endorsed it, giving it some real weight. If you reads the linear notes you feel as though this group have some real clout, standing up their with the best of them, but I cannot help thinking to myself, as I listen to the groove emanating from the vinyl, what on earth happened to Paul Revere & That Raiders ? Why should such a groovy, solid group like this just disappear into the ether ? The linear notes give us some indication as to the groups fame at the time. They had to go incognito when they arrived in Memphis to record the album. Everyone was kept in the dark, even Jerry Butler, the recording producer, & hard core vocalist himself, was told that it was just some odd artist that had been booked into studio two. Even police security would attract too much attention, so that was left off the spec. I`m not sure about all that, but it makes for exciting reading, & I`m sure that type of hype would certainly incite extra record sales for CBS. But, hey, who cares, 45 years later, it still sounds great, maybe even better than it was originally released by CBS.

  Try & get yourself a copy of this gem, it really is worth it, even if your not a Soul fan. Don`t be put off by a  Pop group kicking up Soul grooves, & trying to be something their not, it`s not as blue eyed as you`d expect. It gives us an insight into a top quality group that was worth much more than they were marketed as, sadly. These guys really knew their thing, & it was deep. They knew how to groove given half a chance, & it`s a pity they were not able to put out more R+B than they did. I can imagine the group giving up arguing with the record companies to give them a break, through exhaustion, & sticking to the script for an easy life. That`s why Goin` To Memphis is so important, this is the window into what these guys were really capable of, if allowed to let rip. Perhaps if Mark & the group had been able to deliver more quality Soul grooves American blue eyed Soul history would of been much different, more exciting, than it actually was.

 Either way, as Mark Lindsay says on the intro to the last track, Goin` To Memphis, " this is sho` nuff, the right one  ", well, it certainly is. This formidable little belter really goes to work, & leaves the listener knowing that he`s made the right choice in purchasing the album after all, even if he did buy it for his girlfriend, because after hearing the closing track, it`s a pretty safe bet that he would of bagged it for himself.

 Goin` To Memphis, is like preparing us for a sequel. A sequel that sadly never was,  but if there had of been one, it would probably of carried on in The Reveres unique, authentic vein of stompin` blue eyed Soul, of the highest quality. A quality that is no longer with us, & a period that has long gone, along with the French dandy outfits, & pony-tailed hair-do`s, but the legacy of Goin To Memphis is here for ever, & long may it continue.

 For one month in Memphis, in 1968, The Raiders got together, & put down some of the best Soul a Pop band has ever laid down. Then, just as quickly, cleared off, & returned back to LA, to continue putting down Pop music of a quality nowhere near as good as the magic they had conjured up in Memphis, just months earlier.

 How sweet it was !

 Peace

FEAR OF REJECTION. REFLECTIONS ON BEING BULLIED.

 When I was young, I grew up loving my father. I adored who he was, & what he stood for, but as I matured, I began to notice that he distanced himself considerably from me more & more. I, in turn, pulled away from him, & grew internal &began to feel more & more isolated. This affected my confidence, & as I matured through puberty I began to hate myself. I comfort ate to ease the pain, & through myself obsessively into my literature & music. I began to see that others would stay away from me, & my life became sad & miserable, then later unbearable. I did, although not seriously, contemplate suicide, but really ll this showed me that I was under a terrible amount of stress due to feeling so unloved by my father. My mother never really had any bearing on any of this whatsoever. In fact, I never really cared too much how she may have felt about what I was going through. So, I did not really consider her a viable support mechanism.

 When it came to leaving school I was not equipped to deal with the upheaval. I was in a terrible state, completely without confidence, or direction. I tried to turn to my father more & more as I genuinely needed him, but his rejection, & resentment was profound. I just felt more unwanted, rejected & despised. Unless I indulged him in conversation he enjoyed I would receive nothing emotional from him at all. I may as well of been talking to the mirror, & so I began to copy him, so that I would make an allay of him, be of some use to him. I became a people pleaser, & this poison fed & kept me alive for many years.

 All this has been coming up recently, due to finding myself afraid to go to certain places where someone has been rude to me, or that I have a slight has been inflicted upon me.

 Last night, I had to take some food back that I had ordered form a Chinese take-away. No big deal, I only eat there once in a while, when I stay with my mother. When I explained the problem to the proprietor that he had made a mistake, he became slightly, passively nasty, & I set a boundary immediately. As I drove back there to return the food, I became very defensive, & a little intimidated as to the prospect of what I may be faced with. I had to pinch myself, & remember that this was not a big deal, a drag, but not the end of the world. Later on, after we had resolved the problem, I was able to see that I was really hoping that he would not be rude to me. For, I really wanted to continue eating there, because if I did have that expected row, I knew that I would not go back there again. This was an issue for me, a big one too, & something that I had always done. Always would I, upon feeling slighted, justify never returning there, or speaking to the person that had hurt me, out of pride, but always to my own detriment. It was a serious issue that I really needed to get on top of. This morning, after meditation, I did realise why; it made me feel worthless, & ashamed, & those feelings scared the life out of me. It was the anger of my fathers that made me feel rejected, & unwanted. My fathers resentment of me growing up made me feel ashamed & unwanted, crappy. I realised that I was afraid that this proprietor would be rude to me, & then I would cease going in there, & I did not want that to happen.

 When I would go to my father for emotional sustenance, that would provide me with a feeling of safety, security, he would reject me &  make me feel worthless, this then led to inner shame, & feelings of low self-worth. This guy in the restaurant had the potential to make me feel worthless, & I was afraid he would if he attacked me, because I knew that I would run away from the shame it would bring up. I would, as the adage goes, flight, instead of fright.

 This situation is something that I have ceaselessly inflicted upon myself over the years, someone is rude, aggressive, frightening, & I stay away from them or the place. Someone is rude, I go on the attack, then not bother going into that situation again, mostly at detriment to myself, but just because I am afraid of seeing them again. I was afraid of being bullied, & I am always convincing myself that I am going to be. It hardly matters as to the reason why I have not returned, the point is that the person who has been rude made me feel worthless, & inferior. They have attacked me to justify themselves, & it is this that has made me feel inferior, as though I do not matter. It is this that causes me shame, & then leads me to feel as though I am that young boy again, who was tormented by feeling of being unloved, & vulnerable to being attacked. It is this that makes me feel as though I am wrong, unworthy, & inferior. The fear of rejection, the fear of being left vulnerable, & unprotected to bullies.

 My father made me feel unsafe, unloved & vulnerable. This is why I was always afraid of bullies, & why I naturally became bullied. Then later to counter-attack this harm, I became the rescuer, the protectorate of the vulnerable, & now today, can stand up against the bully, or the cruel, because I know that they can no longer feed off me.

 I am pleased that I have been able to see the harm this issue has caused me, so that I could stop it, & regain my self-confidence & empower myself to feel safe & secure within myself. It has a wonderfully calm effect upon me, knowing that I have resolved this issue, & that I can begin recovering from the fear left in me by my   emotionally absent father.
 

THE ALCHEMICAL STAGE OF SOLUTIO: TAKEN FROM A CORRESPONDENCE.

 Did the emails bring up anything of interest for you ? I could sense that you were thinking about them this morning. Perhaps you had a dream, or that the picture is meaning something else for you now ? Everything is circumambulatory, & is constantly changing, so I would not be surprised if this is the case. Like Alchemy. 

 I knew that there was something more that I wanted to write to you about. Your email was so full of other things, that I felt unable to broach last night. I become so sleepy, that I felt it wrong to continue writing. 

 You mentioned that, perhaps it maybe easier to just accept who you are now, as opposed to ` fighting all the time `, when things are slow or troublesome. Why ? If you are fighting whenever you are struggling, then why ? What is this internal conflict trying to tell you ? Are you impatient ? The paradox seems to be that the more one wants to grow, the less one will. This is the sticking point. It seems that growth comes from pain, perhaps because we remember the lesson so much more when it hurts ? 

 Do you find that everyone that comes into your life represents an aspect of yourself, like the picture did ?

 Heather, I want to ask you if you meditate ? I do, & have done for around fifteen years now, since I was a child. I feel that now I have reached a point where I can control my emotions so much more then I ever could before. Of course, there is still ego there, but it does not hold me up like it used to. Before, my ego would materialise in all of my relations, my writing, my knowledge, & I used it to w hide behind. Through fear of being harmed, ridiculed, shamed, rejected. I would try & stay in control all of the time, so that I wouldn`t  be left vulnerable, but I can see now that all the while I was already vulnerable, & afraid. I suppressed all my inner power, which was so powerful that it cut into me, & left me weakened, without, & in lack, continuously. I eventually became depressed & ill, which in hindsight, was probably the best thing for me, because today, I feel so much healthier. 

  Alchemy speaks of reaching the stage of Solutio; Latin for white / solution, or cleansed. The image could be a woman washing her sheets, or famously, the pelican pecking at his own chest, which symbolises contact with the heart, or consciousness of the heart. It is a fundamental stage to reach, & one to be proud of. It is also the stage of rising from the ashes. This morning, around 4.00 am, I whiffed a subtle, yet strong, smell of ash, as I lay in bed, semi-conscious. I had been drifting, & mentally preparing for meditation, when the smell came. I knew that the smell was telling me something much greater though, that now I was about to become cleansed symbolically by the water, or tears. Letting me know that the emotions of the heart are what is at play now, & it is an integral stage, as much as everything else is. It is, as we discussed, last night, the ascension of the feminine within me now. This is because the spiritual energy of the feminine within me can now be contained by the masculine carapace that I have become through my learning, my Alchemy. This is also why I have been in such emotional upheaval recently, for I have been preparing for this stage.

 The stage of Solutio is not just the entrance of the external feminine,simply because one has grown up, but also the entrance of all that is complimentary to advancing the masculine principle of man, but without the ego. For, the ego is not masculine, but silliness, & immaturity. Everything that is now happening to me is advancing my external growth, catching up on the outside, you might say, which is why the ascension of the feminine is so important now. Just having this conversation with you is essential for me, finding your picture, you finding my picture for me, giving something of value to me, that will enhance my life, my growth, my maturity, something that will be with me until my body ceases to continue, are all signs that this is the actual stage I am at now. 

 Now, this also means that you have also reached the Alchemical stage of Solutio, for you have been reading my Blog.

THE TERROR OF CHILDHOOD; TAKEN FROM A CORRESPONDENCE.

 Thank you for sharing with me something of yourself.

  I too enjoy meeting & conversing with interesting people, so it is a pleasure to write to you.

 " I absolutely love anything colourful, patterned, kitsch, childlike but then I also love anything unusual, dark, unsettling or religious (which for me has a dark edge ). " An interesting statement, & one that speaks very loudly. Perhaps this is why you chose to study Counselling ? Getting to know others, but rarely enjoying talking about yourself.

 You sound very interesting, yet sad too. Your statement is a reflection of your childhood. It is also the reason that you chose to study Counselling. You have a heightened sense of awareness too. Possessing such a gift comes about through fear, the dire need to try & get a grip on the situations at home that are happening to you. The insecurity that tears at you, & drives you to take refuge in childlike things today, is a kind of need to remould your childhood into one that you would of liked, but somehow your shadow still holds you back from having. This is represented by your fascination for the darkness that resides in us all. 

 Perhaps religion has played some part in all of this ?

 When you speak of your growth being too subtle, maybe its because you find it difficult to see yourself from a kind perspective ? Time is, after all, just a concept introduced by the Romans. If it takes you one, or even two, lifetimes to resolve the fear inside of you, then so mote it be, but either way, the quickest way to find closure, as you know, is to face it. When you look at the picture it reflects back at you your own terror, your childhood, & you are still intrigued by it. 

  I studied Psychotherapy, & then later, Psychoanalysis, which included Jungian Dream Analysis. And, I have always had a deep interest in the Occult & Eastern Philosophy. I am a regular at the British Museum, as I feel it holds clues to our own past lives, & Karma. 

SOME THOUGHTS ON LOVE. TAKEN FROM A CORRESPONDENCE.

When I first saw your picture, I knew that it had an essence of me inside of it. Not because I am dark person in particular, but simply because I understand what I like. I am not even psychic, as much as you, but what I noticed, above all else, was the exact same thing I felt when I read your email to me. I realised that you wrote, & therefore, thought along the same lines that I do. 

 You attracted this picture to you, which in itself speaks volumes. It tells me that the chap was correct to see a strong energy around you. 

 The energy between us both, right now, is the picture. I see it as I do, & you have your thoughts on it, I am sure. They are both subjective, & are each as important as the other. So the fact that we are discussing energy, via the picture, tells me that we have issues concerning the shadow, each in our respective internal psyches. Yours would be to do with men, & mine are to do with women, or in Latin, the Anima & the Animus. This means, & to answer your question, how do I see energy ?, I would have to say that we are both going through a period of maturation & growth, or in general terms, a transformational upheaval, within ourselves, but one that is important too. I certainly am. 

 When a person has grown to this level they are able to detach from seeing others as commodities, & can begin to respect others for who they are individually. This level of person can, & wants, others to be themselves, & actively look to promote the others persons individuality so that their life maybe enhanced by it; the others inner beauty. Erich Fromm, said; " That when a person is able to look at the other & see his own beauty within them, & know that they are too an individual, then he has found true love ". Not once did Fromm ever mention romantic love, which is more a myth, as it takes too much energy to maintain, & is therefore more a fantasy than anything else. The point of what he is saying is that, " if I know I am looking at love, & can feel it, individually, then I have, at last, matured to a state that is worthy of being called genuine self-love, & that is true autonomy. This, as your lovely picture suggests, is the height of emotional maturity. The state that each individual should be aiming for in their lives, if they are to be a success during this lifetime, & of course, a benefit to ones fellow beings.

 This is how I would describe energy. Certainly, I would say that the reason you & I are having this conversation right now is because we can, & that we are emotionally mature enough to do so, but that we both crave it. We are now in a position where we feel safe to say, yes, that is correct, & not feel admonished by the other for being honest. Perhaps we have grown over the years, with such subtlety, & to such heights, that now, when we do not receive much inner nourishment from others, we become ill. Sometimes this can appear in the shape of migraines, bad backs, but really what it is, is a yearning for more spirit, more depth, transparency in our lives. 

 I believe that the greatest thing too, is that when their is a space for love to grow within us, then it will appear in the shape of our inner, respective psyches. My partner will be reflected in the shape of her, & yours, in him. This is, in effect, my inner  feminine, & your inner masculine; Anima & Animus. The problems arise when one over-identifies with their inner psyche.