When I was young, I grew up loving my father. I adored who he was, & what he stood for, but as I matured, I began to notice that he distanced himself considerably from me more & more. I, in turn, pulled away from him, & grew internal &began to feel more & more isolated. This affected my confidence, & as I matured through puberty I began to hate myself. I comfort ate to ease the pain, & through myself obsessively into my literature & music. I began to see that others would stay away from me, & my life became sad & miserable, then later unbearable. I did, although not seriously, contemplate suicide, but really ll this showed me that I was under a terrible amount of stress due to feeling so unloved by my father. My mother never really had any bearing on any of this whatsoever. In fact, I never really cared too much how she may have felt about what I was going through. So, I did not really consider her a viable support mechanism.
When it came to leaving school I was not equipped to deal with the upheaval. I was in a terrible state, completely without confidence, or direction. I tried to turn to my father more & more as I genuinely needed him, but his rejection, & resentment was profound. I just felt more unwanted, rejected & despised. Unless I indulged him in conversation he enjoyed I would receive nothing emotional from him at all. I may as well of been talking to the mirror, & so I began to copy him, so that I would make an allay of him, be of some use to him. I became a people pleaser, & this poison fed & kept me alive for many years.
All this has been coming up recently, due to finding myself afraid to go to certain places where someone has been rude to me, or that I have a slight has been inflicted upon me.
Last night, I had to take some food back that I had ordered form a Chinese take-away. No big deal, I only eat there once in a while, when I stay with my mother. When I explained the problem to the proprietor that he had made a mistake, he became slightly, passively nasty, & I set a boundary immediately. As I drove back there to return the food, I became very defensive, & a little intimidated as to the prospect of what I may be faced with. I had to pinch myself, & remember that this was not a big deal, a drag, but not the end of the world. Later on, after we had resolved the problem, I was able to see that I was really hoping that he would not be rude to me. For, I really wanted to continue eating there, because if I did have that expected row, I knew that I would not go back there again. This was an issue for me, a big one too, & something that I had always done. Always would I, upon feeling slighted, justify never returning there, or speaking to the person that had hurt me, out of pride, but always to my own detriment. It was a serious issue that I really needed to get on top of. This morning, after meditation, I did realise why; it made me feel worthless, & ashamed, & those feelings scared the life out of me. It was the anger of my fathers that made me feel rejected, & unwanted. My fathers resentment of me growing up made me feel ashamed & unwanted, crappy. I realised that I was afraid that this proprietor would be rude to me, & then I would cease going in there, & I did not want that to happen.
When I would go to my father for emotional sustenance, that would provide me with a feeling of safety, security, he would reject me & make me feel worthless, this then led to inner shame, & feelings of low self-worth. This guy in the restaurant had the potential to make me feel worthless, & I was afraid he would if he attacked me, because I knew that I would run away from the shame it would bring up. I would, as the adage goes, flight, instead of fright.
This situation is something that I have ceaselessly inflicted upon myself over the years, someone is rude, aggressive, frightening, & I stay away from them or the place. Someone is rude, I go on the attack, then not bother going into that situation again, mostly at detriment to myself, but just because I am afraid of seeing them again. I was afraid of being bullied, & I am always convincing myself that I am going to be. It hardly matters as to the reason why I have not returned, the point is that the person who has been rude made me feel worthless, & inferior. They have attacked me to justify themselves, & it is this that has made me feel inferior, as though I do not matter. It is this that causes me shame, & then leads me to feel as though I am that young boy again, who was tormented by feeling of being unloved, & vulnerable to being attacked. It is this that makes me feel as though I am wrong, unworthy, & inferior. The fear of rejection, the fear of being left vulnerable, & unprotected to bullies.
My father made me feel unsafe, unloved & vulnerable. This is why I was always afraid of bullies, & why I naturally became bullied. Then later to counter-attack this harm, I became the rescuer, the protectorate of the vulnerable, & now today, can stand up against the bully, or the cruel, because I know that they can no longer feed off me.
I am pleased that I have been able to see the harm this issue has caused me, so that I could stop it, & regain my self-confidence & empower myself to feel safe & secure within myself. It has a wonderfully calm effect upon me, knowing that I have resolved this issue, & that I can begin recovering from the fear left in me by my emotionally absent father.
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