RAIN & MUD IN THE NIGHT

Just broke my Guzzini light. I am absolutely gutted. I travelled to Twickenham to collect & pay for it only yesterday, & now it is broken. It is a plastic ball that has survived for 40 years, & I have had it for 48 hours & broken it. I am usually so good with these sorts of things too. I buy my vintage stuff from eBay & treat them all so carefully, lovingly, in fact. What happened this time ? What am I so concerned about that I have wrecked a beautiful piece of vintage furniture. It can only be sabotage due to my frustration. I have just tried meditating & do feel calmer, but I`m afraid of returning back to the bad old days of loss & grief, when things hurt, & really did go wrong. Although I don`t think I would go that far back, but living alone I do get worried that I will. It is irrational, I do feel very jumpy right now, feeling as though I am not coping, but, although nothing is wrong, I feel afraid. It does seem somewhat that I am looking for trouble when there is none there. It was this shaky, neurotic fear that allowed me to drop the light. The exact same dynamic in me that got so afraid,when I was in training for my career, that I sabotaged it stopping myself succeeding, & remaining a failure. It happened this morning in the gym with a woman who likes me, & it has happened now with my light. I am stopping things from working, succeeding, because I am afraid. I am stopping myself feeling good by not doing the things that will benefit my life, like working & earning an income to pay for all the little things that make my home what it is today.

 I am not coping well with things at the moment. Sure I am calm, but there is something not nice taking place in me. It is heavy & is going to cost me a higher price than the light if I don`t get to the bottom of it. The light is replaceable, what is at stake may not be, & I am concerned. If I am to own & find closure with this frustration in me than I need to understand what it is. I am aware that I have been coming to terms with endings in my life of late & it does seem as though many things are coming to an end. Yet, I am afraid of the change that this brings with it. I also feel that I have had a lot of pressure coming my way recently. Just receiving the letter from Barclays yesterday upset me. Being without employment & a regular income is affecting me too. For a while recently I have had the income & although it has not cleared the mortgage, it has enabled me to pad the house out with beautiful retro furniture. It has also given me a sense of freedom that has simply not been there before. Money has been there, but not the freedom from my issues that has enabled me, this time, to convert my home into something worth sitting in. It is this side of things, not allowing myself to go out immediately & earn a living, that makes me feel such a failure. It would seem that every time I try to get out & do some good, I hold myself back with the excuse that it is not the right job, or she & I are just not suited, yet all the time pursuing people that can only give nothing. When I was in the gym with this woman wanting to talk with me, I really felt vulnerable & unable to commune with her, even though she was receptive to me, & I like her too. I just kept my head down & spoke with others that were not a threat. I used to do this before, when I was ill, & it really isolated me. I cannot do this to myself again. Although it must be said that I do actually enjoy being alone, & without woman & I also enjoy living by myself, but it gets lonely. I guess, that I feel that if I had a person in my life I would have to give up my Independence, but why the hell should I ? And would she really want to do that to me, or herself ?

  When I get to discussing my life & it`s neurotic side I begin to see that all I want to achieve really is returning to my career. It feels as though I will be able to start one day, but only when the conditions are correct. What I mean by that is when I have found closure in what has ended the career for me in the first place. Which I think is why I am writing these blogs to you. I learnt so much about myself, my limitations, my faults, & my strengths, whilst I was in my last job, around a month ago. Since then I have been able to apply these achievements to what I think my profession will need when it starts. By immediately integrating them into my personality I was able to see a change for the better taking place in me. Something to compare & contrast with as to what I was like before. To see how much I had grown in the workplace. Being on the peripherals was not fun. When everyone else was just automatically just going to work for the wage I knew that I had bigger goals & needed to get my issue cleared up as soon as, if I was going to advance myself back into my profession. Before that I had not worked in any meaningful capacity for years, so failing at my career was inevitable really. I went away, unwittingly, & converted myself into a much better, fully functioning person. Knowing that this would be my key to a successful second attempt at a profession. I monitored myself every inch of the way & tried to learn as much about myself as I possibly could. I cannot afford to fail again. So when I received this latest opportunity for an interview, I thought that it would be a great indicator as to where I am on my path & show me just how far I have come on. I have a tendency to see every little thing as a metaphor in the direction that I am heading in. So to attract something as integral as an interview was, for me, a sign of great progress.

 When I arrived for the interview I was petrified. There were chaps there that had 30 years service in the Police Force, military men, & the like. For starters I was scared & intimidated, but the fact that I had been hand picked out of literally hundreds of other candidates really gave me a boost. Then I began to feel proud that I was there, although quite aware that I was under-qualified for the position. I thought the best way forward for me was to be completely honest with them all. I did not feel like being vain or arrogant, I was pleased to be there & knew if I was honest with these people than they may be able to help me. In fact, by the time I got home I was so happy that I had been picked, interviewed, then given a business card by one of the interviewees, on the strength of my attitude, that I sent in an email to the company to express my gratitude to them for allowing me to remain intact, emotionally, & not compromising my integrity. Nothing else really mattered to me, not the posting, as I knew they would not pick me because I am not qualified enough, but I knew they would utilise me elsewhere for another position. Then whilst I was out today I received a phone call to say that I did not get the job. No disappointment, just an overwhelming sense of relief, but asked if they could they put me onto a contingency list. I knew this would happen, but I was not sure of what was going to happen next.

 There is an immense transition taking place in me at the moment. So the attraction to project outwards is hard to resist. When the going gets tough, as it has this week, I want to reach out & blame others for their assumed transference onto me, which is a load of rubbish because transference only takes place in a very intimate environment, not psychically between miles of space between people. I know that this is ludicrous & it just causes me more confusion. It was this confusion manifesting itself that broke the light. Had I been calmer then I would done the job without glitch, or been wise enough to leave it to a professional. I screwed it up by being irratic & impatient with myself. A sort of internal conflict manifesting as a broken light. Me feeling broken. Or me breaking myself.

 Just like chasing after people that do not want me to chase after them, or do, but will not reciprocate me. Why bother ? Fear, not of getting attached, but of thinking that someone will get in the way of my progression. I know that the woman in the gym would like me to chat more with her, but I genuinely feel that she, anyone female will get in the way of my progression. There is so much that I want to achieve now & through my brothers death, I have used up so many of my years, & do not want someone getting in my way now. It does go back to my mother, she would always hold my brother & I back from the things we always wanted to do. She acted as a kind of buffer that would not allow us to disappear from her life, & it was this that I resented from her. Her emasculation of me robbed me of vitality. So when it comes to women, & relationships, I feel that a person entering my life will stop me from being successful. Now I know that this is ridiculous, & irrational, immature. For I have been alone, without a relationship of substance, for the last six years, & I have achieved very little in material terms. I have maintained myself, but nothing to really write home about. In fact, I have screwed up my career in the last two years. I think this is really a frustration with my mother, & thinking all women are like her, which they are not, & then having no father to go to has really eaten away at me. Then I want to be without a relationship, as I think it will benefit me being alone, & it does nothing of the sort. This then all adds up to conflict & confusion. And breaking lights.

 I want my parents on my terms; but I cannot. I want to be alone, as I believe that this will benefit me; it does not, it hinders me. I am scared to let my mother go, as she is all that I have. My brother is dead & my father is no longer in my life. Yet I am still alone & without any support, & I am failing, breaking things. Keeping myself away from the change I crave & am trying so hard to make happen. I feel sad that I am keeping myself in this state of internal conflict, but only because I am afraid of changing & growing into a butterfly. I am afraid of embracing maturity, love, wisdom, growth. Perhaps today was the sign that things are really beginning to change & if I put on hold this change then I am going to suffer. Although something does tell me that I am allowing in this change, but in bite-size morsels only. A little bit at a time, as I am not used to allowing my heart to open up all at one time. Only two weeks ago did I have that immense migraine, they are always a sign that things are coming in my life, & for a big change in my consciousness. I must be afraid of the shift that is manifesting inside of me. 

 I have been seeing my Blogging as a way of honing my communication skills in this very neglected field that I have only just entered. A friend did ask me how I am able to be so authentic in my blogs, & whenever I email her. I told her that I really enjoyed learning about myself, but like even more keeping it anonymous too.  I also explained something very new that I have been able to uncover within my personality; that due to having emotionally shallow parents I now crave depth & reality in all my relationships, or I simply cannot function. 

 The woman in the gym that tries to pursue me is just a metaphor, which allows me to explain just what the problem is. I do not really want her pursuing me because I feel that I would rather wait until I feel ready for a relationship with someone that I like, just letting it happen is really what I am all about. I think it is nice that someone wants to get to know me, but I need to feel comfortable with a person before I can even think about depth. Although at the moment I do not want to meet someone, as I am only just starting out again & finding my feet. I have never enjoyed sleeping with just anyone. It is so intimate to have sex with someone, then risk seeing them leave afterwards & not return again. I have done it of course, but am now I`m older & out of my twenties, this kind of thing is not important to me any longer.

 On Sunday I went along as a guest to the Krishna Consciousness Festival in Trafalgar Square. It was a lovely day. We waked from Hyde Park, along Piccadilly, down the Haymarket & into the square, where I enjoyed chanting for many hours in the sun with the devotees. It was a lovely afternoon, & I was so tired when I got home. I really enjoyed the chanting of the mantra, as much as I do my Buddhist meditation. It seems to have a cathartic effect upon me. I think that the chanting helps me come to terms with my past, in letting go of parental attachments & the loss of my brother, but it is all new too me, & like anything, I must take it in small doses to begin with. I always used to do this, take everything obsessively then give so much away, like an excited child, then feel let down, even robbed, later, when somebody had taken so much from me, & would give back nothing. In some ways this is exactly what I am suffering from with right now. Giving loads & receiving little, or even nothing in return. Neediness & not setting boundaries is what that is all about.

  Like children we give so much away with the desire to play & be a part of it all, that we forget we are no longer children. Yet we still have a burning desire to want to reach out & play with energy that is unconditional. Then we are humiliated by someone telling us to grow up & behave ourselves. Naturally, we shut down & feel hurt, we stay away. We do not travel far. Why would we when it has taken us so long to find the little bit of security that we have gained after they have left ? Why risk opening up again, & relating to another, when they could, or probably will, tear it all down again ? It hurts too much. The pain of ridicule, embarrassment, just hurts. It hurts far more than sticking a needle in your arm, or cutting your skin open with a blade. The shame of humiliation. The confusion & bewilderment of being left for another, or finding that someone is never going to return is so painful. So many times did I see myself while I slept drifting aimlessly above my bed, curled up under the covers, in an embryonic position, just shaking with heartfelt sobs at my loss. Praying that this was a dream & that when I awoke everything would be back to normal. But it never was. Or seeing myself in a dream walk towards a gravestone, fall down upon my hands & knees, in the dark, the rain & the mud, & just howl.  

 Opening ourselves up to development & progression is a risk, it takes courage, & cannot be taken lightly. When we rush we break things, usually ourselves. This time I broke a light, not my heart. That is now safe & preparing to open up to love again, just the same as when I was a boy, but this time around, I can trust that person, whoever she is, because I can trust myself. It is Love that I, we, you, have all been afraid of opening our hearts up too. It takes bravery to do this, & one has to be ready. But, I think, I can feel, that I can now begin to love myself again. I have to take a risk now & I know that the Universe is behind me, so perhaps gently I can begin letting go of my fears a bit. The fear that has held me in it`s dark bosom for so long, feeding me a poisonous nectar that blocked out love & vitality, life, but has now allowed me to resonate, refine, & eventually feel the self - love that is the one ingredient that allows a person to feel unconditional love

  I will have to begin looking at love in more depth in my next blog. But I will leave that for another time. There is so much upheaval at the moment that I am getting confused the more that I write. I guess, that I had better leave it for now, & go read a book or something. Perhaps some Hunter S, or Orwell, just to relieve the pressure, or maybe a little chanting before bed, might do the trick ?

 Thanks for reading.



    

LONELINESS

 During meditation this morning I stumbled upon perhaps the biggest issue to of come out of me thus far; loneliness. Until now I had never really given it much consideration, but with the advent of recently leaving my last job, I am perhaps able to now see that one of the main reasons that I went back to work was my loneliness. It is this tremendous issue that has caused such considerable discomfort to me over the years, that I need to be aware of what it has done in it`s wake, then let it go.

 As I begin to think about my loneliness I find myself reflecting upon how long it has been since I was in sensitive company of any depth. How long it has been since I have held another person, or even been held. There has been nobody in my life, or my bed for so long. I literally ache for companionship now. How could I of been so unaware of such fundamental issues ? I still could not see it when I begun getting to know my beautiful cousin & her daughters after not talking to any of my family, not out of anger, but a lack of interest. Never did I bother with her, or any of my family. I can see why; because I was trying to damned hard not to be vulnerable, but this has turned me into robot, someone who was unavailable, & detached. A narcissist through fear, & loneliness. It is this issue that has kept me from being open & confident. All that I have been doing is projecting this major issue onto other things, like work, parents, losing my brother, & the like. I guess all things of such fundamental importance could be seen to have it`s roots in unenlightened parenting, but I think this would be missing the point somewhat. My recent soiree onto a certain spiritual path, away from my Buddhism, has just been a diversion to take me away from the longing to reach out & be a part of something that involves other people. Anywhere there was other people I would find myself being attracted to, sometimes just a walk around Soho, or going along to meeting of something or other. I have always done this. It is easy to see now just how dangerous things became with this problem a couple of years ago. I would wander around aimlessly all through the week looking for a role, something to do, somewhere to fit in. Answers. When others were getting on with building a career, a life, children, I was seeking relief of my pain. It was terrible, so depressing, always loneliness, keeping it at bay, running from it, yet it walked alongside me like a shadow, reminding me just how close it always was. Continuously compounding my self-hatred, bringing up other issues around my lack of confidence & being unable to connect with others. Always too frightened to confront the issue.

 Looking back on this terrible period, it is easy to see just how painfully lonely I was, but perhaps being without regular employment, a role, made it worse ? It was also at this time that I made a decision to break off communicating with my father. All this happening at the same time I think broke me down under the weight of it all. Once I was outdoors, an hour later, I would need to get home immediately. The only way I could survive outside was too pretend to be someone else, another man. Needless to say these feelings would not allow any let up, they were relentless. Neither would they allow me the pleasure of refuge in a woman or friend. I suffered alone, extremely alone. Nobody came, except my mother, but this was always conditional. It may be interesting to reflect here that I was born alone.

 My father told my mother not too worry & that he would be there, at the hospital the moment I was born. He dropped her off at the gates while she going into labour & left her there. The man did not return until later that same evening, after all the action was over. It would seem that our fates were set, that I could never enjoy a man of such pitiful quality. What type of a man does such a thing ? Then, just too really insult my mother & I, he did it again two years later, when my late brother was born. Since this madness I have unwittingly found myself chasing weak, unavailable women all my life, the same type as my mother, then wondering why I have no luck with the opposite sex, we do not get on because we are incompatible. KIt is not a question of luck at all. Male friends, & colleagues, I found for a while, would give absolutely nothing, or worse, as happened recently, would cause me serious problems by undermining my integrity. My father could not give any emotional support, or love. All he could ever manage was a kind of bastardised form of narcissistic role play & a few jokes here & there. If I needed him he was simply not there, neither physically, nor mentally. If he read this he would become uncooperative, irritated & see me as a fool who does not live in the real world. He may even throw something against the wall. Through all of this though, & what I have uncovered today, it is important to comment here, that it is so worthwhile to pay a compliment to another, or send an email of kindness to a friend, to just reach out to someone & be real. It really does not hurt. The most important thing here is that if you want too it usually means that that other person would really like you to do it, but cannot ask. Why ? because they too are suffering from loneliness, or insecurity. Of course, one must always be aware of another persons boundaries, but not to the point where one is living so isolated & alone that they are becoming ill. When this happens we become anaesthetised to our human feelings. Try not to let this happen to you, I did & it is a sure killer of vitality.

  It is interesting understanding this issue because it enables me to see with clarity now, & put to bed  behaviour that has been the sole contributor to why I have been depressed in my life. I did get it under control in the older days with diet & knowledge, but this is a big one. Knowing that it has been associated with feelings of abandonment & loneliness due to a lack of a quality, & consistent, fatherly presence during my life, has come as a massive revelation, that should hopefully continue to reveal aspects of my true personality. I have always sensed that this was the case, but could never get to the bottom of it as I was not able to give up the anger & the projections. I needed to, at that stage, still blame people for my illness. I have projected all my frustrations onto my parents & not faced up to my loneliness, & confronted it, asking it why I needed to hang onto it for so long. I do feel though it is safe to say that this issue has been caused by  my fathers negligence of me whilst I was young, & then as I became older. But it does take personal responsibility to leave the anger towards him alone. It is an issue that has always been there, all the way through my childhood, right up until today. I remember it as a child, becoming terrified that I may face being abandoned by him & left alone. Only a recently a dream spoke to me of this fear that I have always had; I am speeding along a highway, knowing that I will always ultimately be alone, in the sun & in the USA, while I cried about this loneliness, saying" I dont want to be alone", hoping someone would come. Yet, knowing that they wont. As I awoke I knew that this was the cause of my fear & whether I liked it or not, I was alone in this world. Yet, there was nothing to be afraid of. I think that only our reaction to abandonment should be what we fear. It is this that can push us into destructive patterns of behaviour that will convince us that it is far better for us to do things that go against congruency. This keeps us away from self-improvement, & it ios this that the loneliness wants from us. It is indeed a silent killer. My recent frightening headache was exactly thaty. An old, old wound coming back from the depths to scream migraine. This was an indicator, showing me that the endings, including the recent job I gave up, were actually old feelings of loneliness & abandonment trying to get me to realise that if I hang onto destructive, worn out situations they will keep me from believing in correct, valued choice that do bring about self-improvement, such as relationships, work, & love. All signs of maturity & progression.

 Being born, then experiencing the immense terror of coming out of the womb ( which I have written about in earlier blogs) & not being received by my father, at the most integral part of my life, has left me isolated & inferior. The lack of masculine support throughout my life has led me to feel emasculated & insecure. Due to this I have always felt as though I have been trying to look for something that I could not have. What is it ? A quality, substantial partnerships & career is what it is. Freud spoke highly, throughout his career, of such substance, warranting these two dynamics as the sole proprietor of the foundations of quality of life. This lack of such substance has left me craving them driving me onto a pilgrimage of sorts trying to locate where my real father is. Although something tells me that he is probably internal. Robert Bly, in his seminal work, Iron John, talks of the coming of a second father, a man who represents the gold in the son. A man of importance that acts as the sons true father & protectorate. I guess this can be a position of work somewhere, or a partners father, a friend even, that type of thing, although these still warrant the term father figure, so perhaps it is really more important to find it internally & have done with it, than to live with the attachment of an person ?

  All this has left me feeling as though I have been functioning on the peripherals of society. I am proud that I have been able to dedicate a large amount of my lifetime to dealing with such fundamental issues, but it is the right time now to begin the process of returning to the world again. Equally important it is to begin relating to a woman, understanding the feminine in all its glory, &, of course, returning to a career. My life will be satisfying once again, as long as I am able to continue maintaining a good emotional state, keeping it clean will become extremely important. The way that I look, communicate, sound, all now show the signs of maturity. I can see the Jungian adage presenting itself too me, of the fool who goes & gets lost in the woods, has to embark upon the path to find his way out, his way home. This unwittingly turns into a transformation to find his maturity, & masculinity. He eventually returns home a hero, like, I guess, a Roman legion, who has proven himself in the years long battle  that took place while his sister wept for him, thinking that she would never see him again. He returns home a man having achieved all his trials. He wears the medals, & the scars, to prove himself to all, including of course, his suitors. This is how I feel now, finding out about my fathers neglect, & inability to provide me with enough substance of what was needed, has done to me, where it has left me. Now I have made this much progress I feel that I can return to the fray, like the hero. Perhaps now I will be rewarded by the feminine, & then my beloved career ?

 Once an issue has been unearthed & then rooted out, it will quickly dissolve & allow the sore, where it has been incubating for so long, to heal. This then allows in a healthy space that will naturally fill itself with a beautiful strong dynamic growing into the opposite of what has been there for so long; maturity & self-respect will take it`s place almost immediately. What then happens is that people of the same quality will begin entering my life & wanting to communicate with the masculine quality that has been unearthed. Because this is what it is, that growth that I am talking about, masculinity. Masculinity is the father that I have craved, & it is exactly that which is growing in the space where my lack, & feelings of abandonment, have sat all my life. People have seen this loneliness in me. Some have wanted to stay away, some have wanted to get closer to me. Yet my mother, of all people, seems to stay away. It maybe that it is too raw, too honest  for her ? Maybe it is the masculine that she has also stayed away from all her life ?

  Many many people want to stay in denial. The great privilege to being alive is to discover ones autonomy. When one dose there is no fanfare, no fireworks, just a knowing, a quiet solid feeling of maturity that sits quietly inside somewhere near the bottom of the stomach. There is little else that is as important as this when it comes to embracing authenticity. This is why I have pushed so many away over the years, I have not wanted, nor been able, to allow myself to the beauty of relating to others or enjoying the depth of another. You see, what is of the utmost importance too me now is my autonomy. There is simply nothing else that I want from my life at the moment. One could say that I am worshipping it like a god, but then so be it. Until this resonates within me I cannot feel comfortable or relaxed, or dedicate my life to anything other than finding it.  My career, & love life will be by-products of it. So everything that I have been through so far has been about refining me for a career & a happy relationship. Of course, once I have accomplished this achievement there will be something else, but until then my career will have to be worked through to closure. It is a process of synchronicity that is happening to allow me to see my transformation taking place. A slow percolating process of the highest order, attracting in all it needs to bring about the changes I so desire. The most recent big one was returning to the workplace, seeing how much I was liked there, how much I was able to learn & grow whilst there, & then turn my flat around into a home that I am proud to live in, have been great signs to show me of the fine process of self-improvement that is taking place. Knowing when to leave was also a very important point that should be included here, for this is a sign of self-respect.

Since I have been able to see my loneliness with such clarity I am now able to understand the many revelations that are now making themselves known. I have mentioned so many of them that I will not bore you any longer by repeating them again, but perhaps an analogy may be appropriate here; it is like a dark pool of oily water, lying at the bottom of some long forgotten ravine, waiting to be claimed, so that it can be cleaned up, refined & brought back to life for all to enjoy again. This sums up exactly how I feel now about how I have let go of the pain of abandonment & the destructive, hopelessness that came from needing my father, a man that now is no longer a part of my life.

 Loneliness kills people. It drives people to take their own life, & locks some into a life of degradation. It maintains depressions, & negative habitual behaviour that in turn keeps alive self-fulfilling prophecies. It drives people to step onto paths that perhaps they would not had to had they not felt so lonely. It`s also a quiet, fearful emotion that stops people from seeing, or even noticing what is happening to them. Quietly robbing them of their life, maintaining the status quo, keeping them without full optimism & vitality. The symptoms are far-reaching, to the point where they will, if not stopped, rob you of your life altogether. I know all these symptoms well, I suffered from them all. The only way that I could of realised such depth in me was through meditation. And this is the sole reason that I began to meditate. It was this process of quiet contemplation that finally helped me capture the culprit that stopped me from fully functioning & put an end to this far from satisfying life, this degradation. Meditation helped me unravel layers of stuff & begin to see the gold that lay underneath. Things like spending too much money on a record, or a piece of furniture. I thought these were important, but they are not, this is just moralising, a fear of being real, of having the things that we want. Having the things that we want. Give of yourself freely & you will be repaid tenfold.

 Right now I am not too sure if there is anything else to report on this epiphany of the highest order. Although, I can say to you though that I do feel extremely gentle at the moment, quiet, yet also feeling a deep respect for myself. It is as though I have come across this long buried terror within me & grabbed it, carried it out into the sun, & let it die. I am shocked that I have allowed myself to be so damaged by it. All the projections that have come from my ignorance of it is shocking. Peacefulness is what I am experiencing now. Perhaps the ringing in my ears that`s been around recently is just another sub-conscious desire to stop myself feeling alone. Better to harm oneself with ringing ears, then get to the bottom of the truth. Another little illness trying to point me in the right direction, which would of been easier to track down, rather than all this, but that is the nature of my spirit. To rather have an annoying babel, then sort out a fundamental root problem. A confusing noise can sometimes be better than nothing. A quote by Janis Joplin that has always stuck with me, perhaps can go way further than I in explaining what this terrible affliction does to people; -" I make love to 25,000 people every night & go home alone". That statement has been stuck in my consciousness since I was 15 years old, & it still makes me shiver whenever I think about it. The pressure that loneliness has put upon me as I have grown up is insurmountable, & is summed up magnificently by that statement.

 It will take time to adjust to being without this horrific childhood terror. I cannot even begin to think about what life will be like without it. But, I am now holding so much excitement thinking about my future, at last, & what life will be like without it. It is so dreadfully sad that I have been to the pits of despair & close to death, just because I was so lonely. Just meandering around, trying to get on with life, looking in all the wrong places for the answers, experiencing abandonment, has brought so much despair & fear. Then one day I realised that this problem, that has been with me right from the start, was loneliness, stemming from the pain of my abandonment.

 I will just have to allow this whole thing to percolate & filter through me now & see what happens.

 I`ll keep you up to date, if you would like me too ?

Thanks for reading my blog, but more so for being available right now to be able to share this most important time with me. I am so grateful that you are here with me today. The fact that you have read this at all, & at this time, tells me about the quality of person that you are.

 Bless you

MIGRAINES & SYMBOLISM

 After spending so long Friday on my blog concerning Migraines, I felt compelled to follow it up with another, perhaps shorter one. I do not know how this one will go, but I am realising this about myself ; I much prefer writing with this medium, as opposed to the more traditional one of journal & ink. I have been writing a journal  since I was a student. Not feeling up too much these last few years I have tended to stay away from all modern forms of communications. In fact, I have noticed that since I began to convert my home into a time capsule from the late 1960s, I have begun simultaneously trying to embrace modern forms of communications, & with this has come the beauty of intimacy too. Speaking honestly, & with maturity, to many people, I am able to converse with clarity & confidence. This has brought about such improvement into my life.

 This morning I received a date for an interview for a position that I applied for. It is only a short three month contract, but I think it is for the best that I do it. Not just for the usual reasons, money, etc, but because this is the new beginning that I have been looking so hard for. This is symbolic, as many dreams have been showing me that this is the beginning of new epoch. One that I have worked hard to achieve. Since I have asked for divine support to assist me in reaching my goal of starting a new career, I have found myself becoming very busy, learning & growing, in lower forms of work, but it is this that has enabled me to catch up with myself & beginning feeling like an average man again, but this time, with all the benefits that an advanced knowledge of spiritual awareness & managerial skills brings.

 Since my last position ended three weeks ago it is true to report that I have been feeling rather lost. I knew the position was not right for me, that I deserved far better, but I did need to begin getting in from the sidelines & begin interacting with others again. This seemed like the easiest way to do it. Until I realised that I was struggling under the weight of ignorance there. I do not believe that it was unique to this particular work environment. It was just that where I have been doing other forms of training, & away from the workplace, for so long, I had raised my standards to a very high level. In other previous levels of work I had not been down this far before, & so when I saw how other people did my job I was shocked at the poor levels there. And they were accepted as normal. Working for 6 months with these people wore me down. They were causing me more problems than the public. These fellow workers were not all doing cartwheels around the living room, running around with there tongues hanging out, but I was noticing a massive, frightening culture of denial functioning there. And, this I felt was dangerous for me. I had very little place that I could go to too be heard. The last straw was being asked to do, what I considered to be just downright dangerous, things that nobody else seemed to be able to see the potential for trouble in. I had to leave.

 Just before I had left, I sent an email into a friend, who happens to work there on ad-hoc basis. Explaining what on earth had been happening. He was shocked. Staggered were his words, in fact. Yet, I only told him about the last weekends malarkey, nothing of the whole catalogue of disasters that had been going on since I had begun working there. He explained that he would forward the email to a middle-manager. I left at this stage knowing what was going to happen. The middle manager did absolutely nothing. He let my friend down, & he let himself down. Showing my friend & I that he, like all the others, is a coward that cannot stand up to anyone. He just pretends too.

 My friend sent the email in, thinking he was doing me a favour, & in his own naivety, failed to see how scared everyone is of their own position. His gullibility would not allow him to see that the immense denial functioning there. It simply oozes through the place. Neither could he see that the email would actually obstruct me from ever returning again, let alone anyone there hearing my despair. I knew that I was right in this belief because since then I have heard nothing from anyone. It did nothing to change anything, nor did it allow me to return to my duties. All that happened was that they employed someone else to take my place. I cannot say that I was surprised, but I did not think that it would of been this final.

 This maybe an appropriate time to mention here the wisdom of the I-Ching. In icon 23, I think it is, the great sage talks of a certain process, whereby a foolish man, when he is within an environment of a lower standard than himself, but not used to it, will slowly, & quietly, fall prey to the slow degradation of his surroundings. Now this is true, for if we choose to spend our time with quality people we will raise our own standards considerably. The same is, of course, true if we do the opposite. But, what should happen if we choose to spend too much time alone ?

 When I chose to return to work I knew that I had to start somewhere. This place ticked all the boxes, straight away, & it worked for around five months. I had to monitor myself considerably though. If I did not do this then I knew that I would become lost, as I had done before. All boundaries would be shot away & I would become fair game for abuse. So, I just kept myself going. It was hard to begin with. Just the shock at having to deal with such vitriolic verbal assaults upon me was enough, let alone seeing the drunken behaviour, it was stomach churning. All the while knowing that I had too earn a living & pay my bills. There had to be more. There had been more in the past, so it had to repeat itself again. Did`nt it ? As long as the money kept coming in I was`nt frightened. The I begun noticing after a few weeks, & near walk-outs I did begin to feel better than a lot of the people that I was encountering. This was a real boost for me, & like all starving men, craving a plate of sustenance, I devoured this feeling with considerable gusto. I was able to capitalise upon these growing confidence boosting feelings.

MIGRAINES ARE SIGNS OF TRANSITION

 This morning I had a migraine.

 These days I rarely get them. As a boy I continually got them. As I got older naturally my parents were blamed, but they were always so profound, so extraordinarily brutal. I sometimes wondered if they were the inability to cope adequately around my parents dysfunctional behaviour. It certainly was difficult for me coping with my own frustration & anger, at what I saw as a wall to my progress. Yet, I have always become immensely frightened by the prospect of change. It seems as tough whenever I would come up against transformation I never felt ready & would look to the ancient rites of sabotage & then I would defend myself against the new situation. This always seemed to cause a migraine. This morning I began meditating on my issue.

 I had been provided with some good insight by my mother. She explained to me sometime ago that I had been born with a migraine. The doctors all thought that I had been born blind in my right eye. Only one young student doctor was able to ascertain that I was suffering from a crucifying migraine. So this gave me a good queue to start my search for an answer. I wanted a solution as soon as I could because my migraine was clearly the obstruction to any form of progression in my life, I needed to find the root & burn it out. By finding out what it was representing, the sooner I could make my life better than it already was. More fulfilling.

 As I was born with a crucifying headache, I began to nurture the idea that perhaps I was dealing with a repressed fear that was associated with transition. I came to this conclusion because if I was born with it then it could only of been fear. Fear that I must of had at having to leave a place that had become my home for 9 months, but also had come into existence. Because if it was`nt it opened a whole new realm of possibilities as to where I had come from, like the `Time Traveller` in my previous blog. During this time I grew, become attached, & accustomed to my environment, so it must of become terrifying when it came  time to leave, even though it would of  begun getting cramped during the later stages of my mums pregnancy. When I think about this aspect of my theory It conjures a feeling of panic, & I, like my younger self,  immediately try & squash those fears away & try & cope. My mother will confirm that it was indeed a troubled & difficult birth for her, I certainly was not happy about being arriving & must of fought tooth & nail not to come out. Perhaps this is one of the reason I have always been so intrigued by Buddhism & embraced it so wholeheartedly ? It offers me a sophisticated theory as to some of the other, more conventional possibilities as to why we suffer depression, & why we are reborn into various cycles. This theory also enables me to see aspects of my own behaviour; that whenever there is a fundamental move about to present itself to me for improvement, I begin to panic, suppress my fears, & then sabotage it. I was alone entering the world, & nobody could sooth my fears, I was too frightened for that. And the one theme that has run continuously through my life is fear, & then it`s loneliness. Under these conditions how on earth could I feel confident enough to have any of the things that I crave ?

 If a child is not soothed or protected enough, than it will become afraid, terrified even, depending upon the perceived threat. This is what happened to me, & I believe it was this fear, leaving my mothers womb, & entering a brand new world that left me feeling unsafe around new these strangers. My own coping mechanism was to suppress all this fear, which in turn, has ever since been associated with entering a new, potentially hostile & untrustworthy environment. Naturally, I do not feel ready, or even willing to entertain such a place. It is only of late that I have become unsatisfied with this lack in my life, that I began getting migraines again, & because of these I have been able to see that they are setting in play the ancient issue of blockage then sabotage. You see, I have recently met someone that I actually like, & it my feelings for her seem to be reciprocated. So getting this immense migraine was representing the old panicking routine, & trying to block these new tender feelings out. The old hand of death.

  The migraine would kick in as a self defence mechanism when it came time to doing something beneficial or rewarding, like going to school, & it would stop me participating.

 So far I believe that the migraine represents an old fear, that of leaving the womb, & no doubt, anger at leaving it too. This was perhaps the reason why I spent such a long time regressing, enjoying the past, & was attracted to the darkness as a youngster ? I was depressed, & wanted to go backwards, where I could be alone. You see, this way I felt as though I could cope better, & not have to put up with morons, people that were below my functioning ability & also my intelligence levels. Had my parents been better equipped to see my abilities & encourage positive growth then I would of been suited to cope with life. I had obviously come from a far better, & a more fulfilling environment than the one I had now become part of. But, for whatever reason, I was now here, & life was going to be difficult, unless I could adapt to it, & fast too. It was this dunbing down of my authentic personality & then adopting a false one to please & please that has caused  significant damage over the ensuing years. These people were just going to get in my way, then screw me up with their inadequacies, but I had no choice, & certainly was not aware of such refined thinking, so I had to get on with it. Yet the migraine never left me, a constant reminder of the potential of a better future up ahead, & perhaps even better times that came from a fine past too ?

  The migraine has become a kind of flight or fight response, really, somewhat like the `rabbit in the headlights`analogy; frozen with fear. I can see that the migraine has become a block, an obstruction, to my self-improvement. It allows me to protect myself, with a measure of certainty, against change. So that when fear happens, I can defend myself against it, straight away. The fundamental problem here is that my migraine represents my fear of growth, progress, transition all the quality things that a person wants in their life. By understanding it I can now begin bringing myself back in from the sidelines, & become part of society again. In short, the migraine symbolises immaturity & it is this feeling that has stopped me from having what other men have. But, am I so different, really ? Am I so horrible, that I have to wait to be fed out back alone, & away from others, like some animal ? Do I really have to overemphasise myself against all that come into, or even pass through, my life, just to feel human ? I can come in from the cold, embrace my qualities, & find love, security, believe in myself again. The reason that things have not gone the way I have wanted them to go is because I have been so afraid of success, of progression. Why ? Because it is the unknown. Because it has not happened before, & that is what I find terrifying, change. And it is change that is progression. This is the one thing that I have been running away from for so long, but, now can run no more, as I literally, need it to happen. Because if I run away again, I simply do not know how long I can continue as I am. For I have now reached that crucial peak in my personal growth & development where if I stay as I am things will begin to implode, just as they did at work, & become damaging toward me. The path I am on, if it continues as it is today, will be of no benefit too me. It will stay as it is, comfortable, but with no growth entering, it will fast become a poisoned chalice. It has done this before & I will not allow it to happen again. As I can now see what a powerful & complex feeling my migraine is too me, & how it has been desperate to communicate with me all my life. Perhaps now, at last, I can begin heralding in a new dawning, one that I crave. A path that can only lead me to amalgamate all I need, so that I can become whole & begin moving forward so that I can start the next stage of my growth.

 She brings with her great wisdom.

 Best

INNER RESOURCEFULNESS

 Today, I will begin writing about loving oneself wholeheartedly. It feels correct to write about such things today.

 During meditation this morning I began to feel a presence entering my vision. In the distance I could see a man entering a white space, on allowing him to enter my peripheral vision, I could see that the apparition took the shape of a large, strong man. I felt, instinctively that this person could be relied upon to contain himself & his emotions, to be a benefit to others. The feelings were strong & I knew that I was beginning to see a picture emerging of someone familiar. Then I got quite a shock, I was looking at myself, who I am today. An apparition of the highest order that needed little introduction, just some love. I then began to feel that all I ever needed was beginning to reveal itself to me, that I could now, at last, give myself the life that I truly desire. That I can too have the wonderful things that I crave at this stage of my existence, like a beautiful woman, the truest human representation of ones soul as my life partner. Financial security, too, so that we can feels able to find our natural rhythms together & not be bogged down with unnatural concerns of lack. And of course, a  great healthy career. Also that I can have a higher form of spirituality in my life that embraces all that is worthy & rich. I really do believe in love between two people, & a devotion to a higher form of existence.

 I am expressing this today because I do not feel satisfied with the way my life is materially at the moment. I thrive very much in the workplace, solving problems, & coming up with solutions, but it has to be the right workplace, for it to be of any benefit too me. For many years I was a person who simply did not believe in himself enough, or know how to go about attracting in what was needed. Alone was something that I felt aligned too, but could never put my finger on why. So discovering this wisdom & mature thinking today is helping me clear the path old karmic patterns that have kept me a stranger from who I really am. Just writing this, knowing that you are reading it, fills me with a sense of awe. Probably the image I saw in meditation is a sign of my progression. If I were more enlightened perhaps I may even see myself as a separate entity, something outside of myself, a deity perhaps. Today though he represents who I am, a person who can share their emotions with others, reach out & see ignorance, yet not allow it into my life. And when it is there find the courage to walk away from it, leaving aggression well alone. A slow burning emotion that brings nothing but more of itself. I do not have to feel anger with those that are angry with me because all they are doing is projecting their nonsense onto me, their baggage. It is exactly this that I have had to realise was the problem I have had all along. Thinking that my parents needed to be blamed, when all along it was just me not being aware that I could let it all go, & ignore them if I had wanted too, but I chose, because of my anger, to stay & fight them; folly. My slow progression was all that held me back, not my parents. I thought that I needed so much from them, but I do not. What I have realised is that they are unable to provide me with what I need, when all along I had not realised that I actually possess the very thing that I wanted from them; love. I now no longer need attention from others, & it is easy for me to see that I am loved dearly by others now. Need is the one thing that will cause me to become vulnerable again, should I allow it to rise in me again. Due to my neediness, by my own hand, I ended up becoming a receptacle for others pleasure. It was this degradation that put me on the low path that took so long to rise up from. Then, as I have explained in other blogs, losing a significant person to an unbelievably horrific car accident, pretty much did the rest.

 So, this leads me quite naturally onto explaining how I have recently been able to recover my self-respect & find courage again so that I can continue along my path, & staying away from those that give so little. When I had little self -respect, or bravery to confront deeper issues, I would find myself unconsciously drifting towards people that would give so little. By allowing entry of these people into my life I would give them free reign to abuse my hospitality for their own titillation, or use me up as fair game. One particular person I would like to berate, but do not have the gumption to do so, would actually turn up in the middle of the night demanding to come in. Sadly I would do as he asked & would let him into take from me.  This madness continued until he had had enough, not the other way around. Just thinking about this, or even writing it, fills me with such sorrow that I allowed myself to experience so much damage, & all in the name of neediness. It is sad that we should do this to ourselves. These days when I think about people that want to enter my life I feel much more confident of my boundaries. I know that I can say no to a person now. This fills me with confidence that I an now attracting to me healthy people that function as I do, & want to be close. I am also happy that a person would like to come in & meet me, that  have things of value to share with another. It is the confidence that has grown up in me that allows such humility to evolve. Anger is an obstruction to love, & all positive growth. It will stop many things from taking their rightful place within a person, & putting off quality growth. Anger is indeed a terrible affliction to carry around, & is not a positive emotion if it is left to rot & putrefy within ones system. If a person can take their anger & utilise it into something positive such as a business, or gym work, for example, then that person will bring about wonderful new growth surges in themselves. I have noticed a big difference in how I relate to others. Others that seem as though they are spoiling for a fight, aggressive, or angry types. Only yesterday a shop assistant turned on me by telling me off for something or other, after they had made a mistake with their prices. I actually thought she was joking, but ,upon reflection, I could see that she had taken issues of insecurity & projected them onto me. Later upon reflection  I could see the reason for this; I needed to know that it is not always me that is to blame, & that others will bring rubbish to your door. My maturity as a man was what was being tested there. My karma would have to direct the situation. I wanted to complain, but my instincts refused to allow this, preferring to understand this new mature approach to resolving issues. The same day, just before the previous scenario, I ran into another old adversary; A chap that has taught me much about my own levels of aggression & defensiveness. Someone that I had many issues with. I bumped into him & he actually held a door open for me ! He, perhaps could also see that I was no longer the man I once was, or I should say, the boy, really, that I once was ? It does feel honest for me to report to you that I am no longer projecting my issues onto others. Full responsibility in owning my stuff is what I am trying hard to achieve now, or at least trying my damnedest too. No wonder people would get defencive around me, I think that they felt that a big man could be likely to project unresolved issues around hurt, anger, & humiliation onto them. That`s scary for anyone, I am a big man. Come to think of it, this may be why my good friend A is now seeing me in a completely different light these days ? He seems more relaxed around me these days. I think that perhaps many other people are too. But, this is not about anyone else it is about me, & this is why I have needed to change my ways of interacting with others. An issue that has clearly held me back from others. It is also what is allowing me to refine myself & build on what I have, so that my life can become more fulfilling.

 So, what does this say about who I am today ? For many years I have been putting myself into situations that are simply not good enough. And I have been attracted to people that would not give of themselves, yet  they, like myself, would take a great deal from me. I could see that yet again this was another old wound that was getting in the way, & then would hold me back from opening up to a better, more fulfilling way of life, & not just going over old karma, repeating the story, as most do, not wanting to confront anything. The time had come for me to stop blaming my parents, in fact, anyone. By implementing such a value I could allow myself the pleasure of taking responsibility for my actions. I had too grow up & open my eyes. The illusion began with my father. I used to feel as though I should placate him, or else he would get moody with me, then this would make me feel  uncomfortable. He never did this consciously, in fact if he had of been aware of this then I am sure that I would not of taken any notice of him, but, like all people of ignorance it was done unconsciously. At the time I never understood all this, but today I do, & see myself as the more enlightened man. So that I can, & am determined to continue, rising above his influence upon me. Letting it go. This seems like natural progression.

 Now, as I said in one of my earlier blogs, I am done with blaming others. I want no more being a part of a process which holds me back from living a fuller, more rounded life. I am no longer wanting to even make excuses for my parents, I just want to let go of a concept that is no longer appropriate for me to have in my life now, it makes me feel like shit. And prolongs maturity. It has served a purpose & now it has helped me come to terms with who I am. But, if I continue to hold onto such poor quality then it will begun to harm my progression further. By realising this stage of where I am, in my alchemy, I can actually let the issue of blame go. Perhaps, one day I will begin seeing them for who they are, & not what I have made them ? What is more poignant is that I want to get to know who I really am, & not be influenced by anyone anymore. Everything that I feel inside of me is mine & if it is not than it is not a big deal. In other words, I am owning up to my own issues & doing something responsible with them. The biggest issue has been finding my autonomy. I understand that I am alone, & that this is not to be feared. I arrived here alone, so it is time that I embraced maturity & also understood this fact that each & every one of us is completely alone. I am alone on my karmic path. Like a spaceman within his own time capsule, he functions to the best of his ability, & he is aware that he will someday leave here & arrive at another destination. A clear example of this fact can be found when we astral travel in dreams. All the great thinkers of our species have spoken of this ability that we possess, this capacity to fly through time & that we all possess it. I cannot see why it could not be utilised to return to another time. This is exactly the same process that takes place in our own lives when we have to keep repeating issues until we learn the lesson of them. So finding autonomy, away from our parents influence, is the biggest, most fundamental obstruction that each of us have. We have a duty to ourselves to burn through them & clear up our issues before we can progress to another place.

Krishnamurti, says that parents cloud the path of their children with their own values. This process of osmosis is exactly what I have been trying to speak about today. Parents values that no longer stand up to scrutiny. These are things that I do not want to hang onto. By being clouded for so long, I have`nt known who I am, or even what I stand for. Is it any wonder that very little lasting substance or value ever entered my life ? How could it, when I never had an inkling of what it was that I needed ? My value system was alien too me, I would just get glimpses of it, here & there, such as my home, & how luxurious it has become since I began decorating & adding my tastes to it. Tastes that represent who I am today. Comfortable things that I enjoy. I feel just as comfortable introducing new people into my life now. People that I am not afraid of. People that have the confidence to challenge & also show kindness towards me. I am no longer afraid to ask for help.

 It is true to state that, as a rule, people, will not pay you a compliment. Therefore, it is important to be aware of symbolism in your life. How it speaks to you, expresses itself, & what it can give to help you cope with problems. This way one can get all the confirmation they need to sort things out, & see the direction life is taking, & will indeed take in your future. All this from personal symbolism, & on any path you happen to be on. What I have been able to ascertain for certain, & this is only recently, is that life's problems are progressive. Our sub-conscious mind functions as it does because it wants us to be the best we can be. The sub-conscious cannot function to it`s best with blockages ( issues ) in its way, so it will go back to the root of the issue & will you to clear it, so that it can get on with the job of delivering your success. It is up to you if you, or can deal with the clearing up of the issue. It can be as slow or as fast as one wants it to be. It is not natural to digress & become ill. If this were so, then everyone would strive to become ill & each consecutive generation would be taught to not live long. All this is, of course, is fairly obvious, but try feeling it in the midst of a depression, or the handling of sensations that a missing child brings, or adjusting to the loss of a brother. Things do get frightening, & they will, if they can, take you to the sheer limits of despair, & if one cannot handle the issue, death itself will rob you of your life. But it up to us how bad it gets. One only has to read Knut Hamsuns - Mysteries, to see how all this happens. Yet, things do not have to be this bad. Symbolism is a wonderful strategy for getting the best out of a situation. Wise men of older times spoke of synchronised patterns of development, that anyone can utilise at any one time to allow us to see what is actually taking place in our lives, & do something to bring about a change for the better. How many times have you seen a situation appear in front of you, then when compared to the problem, & pondered, eventually, shows the solution ? This is synchronicity. Bringing about all the many parts to show you the whole complete picture, & the future of the scenario, all in a moment. You can make the choice as to how you want to progress.This is something that, if you look intimately enough, has been running through your life, since the beginning.

 Hey, thanks for reading, & supporting me.

 Speak soon