This morning I had a migraine.
These days I rarely get them. As a boy I continually got them. As I got older naturally my parents were blamed, but they were always so profound, so extraordinarily brutal. I sometimes wondered if they were the inability to cope adequately around my parents dysfunctional behaviour. It certainly was difficult for me coping with my own frustration & anger, at what I saw as a wall to my progress. Yet, I have always become immensely frightened by the prospect of change. It seems as tough whenever I would come up against transformation I never felt ready & would look to the ancient rites of sabotage & then I would defend myself against the new situation. This always seemed to cause a migraine. This morning I began meditating on my issue.
I had been provided with some good insight by my mother. She explained to me sometime ago that I had been born with a migraine. The doctors all thought that I had been born blind in my right eye. Only one young student doctor was able to ascertain that I was suffering from a crucifying migraine. So this gave me a good queue to start my search for an answer. I wanted a solution as soon as I could because my migraine was clearly the obstruction to any form of progression in my life, I needed to find the root & burn it out. By finding out what it was representing, the sooner I could make my life better than it already was. More fulfilling.
As I was born with a crucifying headache, I began to nurture the idea that perhaps I was dealing with a repressed fear that was associated with transition. I came to this conclusion because if I was born with it then it could only of been fear. Fear that I must of had at having to leave a place that had become my home for 9 months, but also had come into existence. Because if it was`nt it opened a whole new realm of possibilities as to where I had come from, like the `Time Traveller` in my previous blog. During this time I grew, become attached, & accustomed to my environment, so it must of become terrifying when it came time to leave, even though it would of begun getting cramped during the later stages of my mums pregnancy. When I think about this aspect of my theory It conjures a feeling of panic, & I, like my younger self, immediately try & squash those fears away & try & cope. My mother will confirm that it was indeed a troubled & difficult birth for her, I certainly was not happy about being arriving & must of fought tooth & nail not to come out. Perhaps this is one of the reason I have always been so intrigued by Buddhism & embraced it so wholeheartedly ? It offers me a sophisticated theory as to some of the other, more conventional possibilities as to why we suffer depression, & why we are reborn into various cycles. This theory also enables me to see aspects of my own behaviour; that whenever there is a fundamental move about to present itself to me for improvement, I begin to panic, suppress my fears, & then sabotage it. I was alone entering the world, & nobody could sooth my fears, I was too frightened for that. And the one theme that has run continuously through my life is fear, & then it`s loneliness. Under these conditions how on earth could I feel confident enough to have any of the things that I crave ?
If a child is not soothed or protected enough, than it will become afraid, terrified even, depending upon the perceived threat. This is what happened to me, & I believe it was this fear, leaving my mothers womb, & entering a brand new world that left me feeling unsafe around new these strangers. My own coping mechanism was to suppress all this fear, which in turn, has ever since been associated with entering a new, potentially hostile & untrustworthy environment. Naturally, I do not feel ready, or even willing to entertain such a place. It is only of late that I have become unsatisfied with this lack in my life, that I began getting migraines again, & because of these I have been able to see that they are setting in play the ancient issue of blockage then sabotage. You see, I have recently met someone that I actually like, & it my feelings for her seem to be reciprocated. So getting this immense migraine was representing the old panicking routine, & trying to block these new tender feelings out. The old hand of death.
The migraine would kick in as a self defence mechanism when it came time to doing something beneficial or rewarding, like going to school, & it would stop me participating.
So far I believe that the migraine represents an old fear, that of leaving the womb, & no doubt, anger at leaving it too. This was perhaps the reason why I spent such a long time regressing, enjoying the past, & was attracted to the darkness as a youngster ? I was depressed, & wanted to go backwards, where I could be alone. You see, this way I felt as though I could cope better, & not have to put up with morons, people that were below my functioning ability & also my intelligence levels. Had my parents been better equipped to see my abilities & encourage positive growth then I would of been suited to cope with life. I had obviously come from a far better, & a more fulfilling environment than the one I had now become part of. But, for whatever reason, I was now here, & life was going to be difficult, unless I could adapt to it, & fast too. It was this dunbing down of my authentic personality & then adopting a false one to please & please that has caused significant damage over the ensuing years. These people were just going to get in my way, then screw me up with their inadequacies, but I had no choice, & certainly was not aware of such refined thinking, so I had to get on with it. Yet the migraine never left me, a constant reminder of the potential of a better future up ahead, & perhaps even better times that came from a fine past too ?
The migraine has become a kind of flight or fight response, really, somewhat like the `rabbit in the headlights`analogy; frozen with fear. I can see that the migraine has become a block, an obstruction, to my self-improvement. It allows me to protect myself, with a measure of certainty, against change. So that when fear happens, I can defend myself against it, straight away. The fundamental problem here is that my migraine represents my fear of growth, progress, transition all the quality things that a person wants in their life. By understanding it I can now begin bringing myself back in from the sidelines, & become part of society again. In short, the migraine symbolises immaturity & it is this feeling that has stopped me from having what other men have. But, am I so different, really ? Am I so horrible, that I have to wait to be fed out back alone, & away from others, like some animal ? Do I really have to overemphasise myself against all that come into, or even pass through, my life, just to feel human ? I can come in from the cold, embrace my qualities, & find love, security, believe in myself again. The reason that things have not gone the way I have wanted them to go is because I have been so afraid of success, of progression. Why ? Because it is the unknown. Because it has not happened before, & that is what I find terrifying, change. And it is change that is progression. This is the one thing that I have been running away from for so long, but, now can run no more, as I literally, need it to happen. Because if I run away again, I simply do not know how long I can continue as I am. For I have now reached that crucial peak in my personal growth & development where if I stay as I am things will begin to implode, just as they did at work, & become damaging toward me. The path I am on, if it continues as it is today, will be of no benefit too me. It will stay as it is, comfortable, but with no growth entering, it will fast become a poisoned chalice. It has done this before & I will not allow it to happen again. As I can now see what a powerful & complex feeling my migraine is too me, & how it has been desperate to communicate with me all my life. Perhaps now, at last, I can begin heralding in a new dawning, one that I crave. A path that can only lead me to amalgamate all I need, so that I can become whole & begin moving forward so that I can start the next stage of my growth.
She brings with her great wisdom.
Best
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