I am not coping well with things at the moment. Sure I am calm, but there is something not nice taking place in me. It is heavy & is going to cost me a higher price than the light if I don`t get to the bottom of it. The light is replaceable, what is at stake may not be, & I am concerned. If I am to own & find closure with this frustration in me than I need to understand what it is. I am aware that I have been coming to terms with endings in my life of late & it does seem as though many things are coming to an end. Yet, I am afraid of the change that this brings with it. I also feel that I have had a lot of pressure coming my way recently. Just receiving the letter from Barclays yesterday upset me. Being without employment & a regular income is affecting me too. For a while recently I have had the income & although it has not cleared the mortgage, it has enabled me to pad the house out with beautiful retro furniture. It has also given me a sense of freedom that has simply not been there before. Money has been there, but not the freedom from my issues that has enabled me, this time, to convert my home into something worth sitting in. It is this side of things, not allowing myself to go out immediately & earn a living, that makes me feel such a failure. It would seem that every time I try to get out & do some good, I hold myself back with the excuse that it is not the right job, or she & I are just not suited, yet all the time pursuing people that can only give nothing. When I was in the gym with this woman wanting to talk with me, I really felt vulnerable & unable to commune with her, even though she was receptive to me, & I like her too. I just kept my head down & spoke with others that were not a threat. I used to do this before, when I was ill, & it really isolated me. I cannot do this to myself again. Although it must be said that I do actually enjoy being alone, & without woman & I also enjoy living by myself, but it gets lonely. I guess, that I feel that if I had a person in my life I would have to give up my Independence, but why the hell should I ? And would she really want to do that to me, or herself ?
When I get to discussing my life & it`s neurotic side I begin to see that all I want to achieve really is returning to my career. It feels as though I will be able to start one day, but only when the conditions are correct. What I mean by that is when I have found closure in what has ended the career for me in the first place. Which I think is why I am writing these blogs to you. I learnt so much about myself, my limitations, my faults, & my strengths, whilst I was in my last job, around a month ago. Since then I have been able to apply these achievements to what I think my profession will need when it starts. By immediately integrating them into my personality I was able to see a change for the better taking place in me. Something to compare & contrast with as to what I was like before. To see how much I had grown in the workplace. Being on the peripherals was not fun. When everyone else was just automatically just going to work for the wage I knew that I had bigger goals & needed to get my issue cleared up as soon as, if I was going to advance myself back into my profession. Before that I had not worked in any meaningful capacity for years, so failing at my career was inevitable really. I went away, unwittingly, & converted myself into a much better, fully functioning person. Knowing that this would be my key to a successful second attempt at a profession. I monitored myself every inch of the way & tried to learn as much about myself as I possibly could. I cannot afford to fail again. So when I received this latest opportunity for an interview, I thought that it would be a great indicator as to where I am on my path & show me just how far I have come on. I have a tendency to see every little thing as a metaphor in the direction that I am heading in. So to attract something as integral as an interview was, for me, a sign of great progress.
When I arrived for the interview I was petrified. There were chaps there that had 30 years service in the Police Force, military men, & the like. For starters I was scared & intimidated, but the fact that I had been hand picked out of literally hundreds of other candidates really gave me a boost. Then I began to feel proud that I was there, although quite aware that I was under-qualified for the position. I thought the best way forward for me was to be completely honest with them all. I did not feel like being vain or arrogant, I was pleased to be there & knew if I was honest with these people than they may be able to help me. In fact, by the time I got home I was so happy that I had been picked, interviewed, then given a business card by one of the interviewees, on the strength of my attitude, that I sent in an email to the company to express my gratitude to them for allowing me to remain intact, emotionally, & not compromising my integrity. Nothing else really mattered to me, not the posting, as I knew they would not pick me because I am not qualified enough, but I knew they would utilise me elsewhere for another position. Then whilst I was out today I received a phone call to say that I did not get the job. No disappointment, just an overwhelming sense of relief, but asked if they could they put me onto a contingency list. I knew this would happen, but I was not sure of what was going to happen next.
There is an immense transition taking place in me at the moment. So the attraction to project outwards is hard to resist. When the going gets tough, as it has this week, I want to reach out & blame others for their assumed transference onto me, which is a load of rubbish because transference only takes place in a very intimate environment, not psychically between miles of space between people. I know that this is ludicrous & it just causes me more confusion. It was this confusion manifesting itself that broke the light. Had I been calmer then I would done the job without glitch, or been wise enough to leave it to a professional. I screwed it up by being irratic & impatient with myself. A sort of internal conflict manifesting as a broken light. Me feeling broken. Or me breaking myself.
Just like chasing after people that do not want me to chase after them, or do, but will not reciprocate me. Why bother ? Fear, not of getting attached, but of thinking that someone will get in the way of my progression. I know that the woman in the gym would like me to chat more with her, but I genuinely feel that she, anyone female will get in the way of my progression. There is so much that I want to achieve now & through my brothers death, I have used up so many of my years, & do not want someone getting in my way now. It does go back to my mother, she would always hold my brother & I back from the things we always wanted to do. She acted as a kind of buffer that would not allow us to disappear from her life, & it was this that I resented from her. Her emasculation of me robbed me of vitality. So when it comes to women, & relationships, I feel that a person entering my life will stop me from being successful. Now I know that this is ridiculous, & irrational, immature. For I have been alone, without a relationship of substance, for the last six years, & I have achieved very little in material terms. I have maintained myself, but nothing to really write home about. In fact, I have screwed up my career in the last two years. I think this is really a frustration with my mother, & thinking all women are like her, which they are not, & then having no father to go to has really eaten away at me. Then I want to be without a relationship, as I think it will benefit me being alone, & it does nothing of the sort. This then all adds up to conflict & confusion. And breaking lights.
I want my parents on my terms; but I cannot. I want to be alone, as I believe that this will benefit me; it does not, it hinders me. I am scared to let my mother go, as she is all that I have. My brother is dead & my father is no longer in my life. Yet I am still alone & without any support, & I am failing, breaking things. Keeping myself away from the change I crave & am trying so hard to make happen. I feel sad that I am keeping myself in this state of internal conflict, but only because I am afraid of changing & growing into a butterfly. I am afraid of embracing maturity, love, wisdom, growth. Perhaps today was the sign that things are really beginning to change & if I put on hold this change then I am going to suffer. Although something does tell me that I am allowing in this change, but in bite-size morsels only. A little bit at a time, as I am not used to allowing my heart to open up all at one time. Only two weeks ago did I have that immense migraine, they are always a sign that things are coming in my life, & for a big change in my consciousness. I must be afraid of the shift that is manifesting inside of me.
I have been seeing my Blogging as a way of honing my communication skills in this very neglected field that I have only just entered. A friend did ask me how I am able to be so authentic in my blogs, & whenever I email her. I told her that I really enjoyed learning about myself, but like even more keeping it anonymous too. I also explained something very new that I have been able to uncover within my personality; that due to having emotionally shallow parents I now crave depth & reality in all my relationships, or I simply cannot function.
The woman in the gym that tries to pursue me is just a metaphor, which allows me to explain just what the problem is. I do not really want her pursuing me because I feel that I would rather wait until I feel ready for a relationship with someone that I like, just letting it happen is really what I am all about. I think it is nice that someone wants to get to know me, but I need to feel comfortable with a person before I can even think about depth. Although at the moment I do not want to meet someone, as I am only just starting out again & finding my feet. I have never enjoyed sleeping with just anyone. It is so intimate to have sex with someone, then risk seeing them leave afterwards & not return again. I have done it of course, but am now I`m older & out of my twenties, this kind of thing is not important to me any longer.
On Sunday I went along as a guest to the Krishna Consciousness Festival in Trafalgar Square. It was a lovely day. We waked from Hyde Park, along Piccadilly, down the Haymarket & into the square, where I enjoyed chanting for many hours in the sun with the devotees. It was a lovely afternoon, & I was so tired when I got home. I really enjoyed the chanting of the mantra, as much as I do my Buddhist meditation. It seems to have a cathartic effect upon me. I think that the chanting helps me come to terms with my past, in letting go of parental attachments & the loss of my brother, but it is all new too me, & like anything, I must take it in small doses to begin with. I always used to do this, take everything obsessively then give so much away, like an excited child, then feel let down, even robbed, later, when somebody had taken so much from me, & would give back nothing. In some ways this is exactly what I am suffering from with right now. Giving loads & receiving little, or even nothing in return. Neediness & not setting boundaries is what that is all about.
Like children we give so much away with the desire to play & be a part of it all, that we forget we are no longer children. Yet we still have a burning desire to want to reach out & play with energy that is unconditional. Then we are humiliated by someone telling us to grow up & behave ourselves. Naturally, we shut down & feel hurt, we stay away. We do not travel far. Why would we when it has taken us so long to find the little bit of security that we have gained after they have left ? Why risk opening up again, & relating to another, when they could, or probably will, tear it all down again ? It hurts too much. The pain of ridicule, embarrassment, just hurts. It hurts far more than sticking a needle in your arm, or cutting your skin open with a blade. The shame of humiliation. The confusion & bewilderment of being left for another, or finding that someone is never going to return is so painful. So many times did I see myself while I slept drifting aimlessly above my bed, curled up under the covers, in an embryonic position, just shaking with heartfelt sobs at my loss. Praying that this was a dream & that when I awoke everything would be back to normal. But it never was. Or seeing myself in a dream walk towards a gravestone, fall down upon my hands & knees, in the dark, the rain & the mud, & just howl.
Opening ourselves up to development & progression is a risk, it takes courage, & cannot be taken lightly. When we rush we break things, usually ourselves. This time I broke a light, not my heart. That is now safe & preparing to open up to love again, just the same as when I was a boy, but this time around, I can trust that person, whoever she is, because I can trust myself. It is Love that I, we, you, have all been afraid of opening our hearts up too. It takes bravery to do this, & one has to be ready. But, I think, I can feel, that I can now begin to love myself again. I have to take a risk now & I know that the Universe is behind me, so perhaps gently I can begin letting go of my fears a bit. The fear that has held me in it`s dark bosom for so long, feeding me a poisonous nectar that blocked out love & vitality, life, but has now allowed me to resonate, refine, & eventually feel the self - love that is the one ingredient that allows a person to feel unconditional love
I will have to begin looking at love in more depth in my next blog. But I will leave that for another time. There is so much upheaval at the moment that I am getting confused the more that I write. I guess, that I had better leave it for now, & go read a book or something. Perhaps some Hunter S, or Orwell, just to relieve the pressure, or maybe a little chanting before bed, might do the trick ?
Thanks for reading.
When I get to discussing my life & it`s neurotic side I begin to see that all I want to achieve really is returning to my career. It feels as though I will be able to start one day, but only when the conditions are correct. What I mean by that is when I have found closure in what has ended the career for me in the first place. Which I think is why I am writing these blogs to you. I learnt so much about myself, my limitations, my faults, & my strengths, whilst I was in my last job, around a month ago. Since then I have been able to apply these achievements to what I think my profession will need when it starts. By immediately integrating them into my personality I was able to see a change for the better taking place in me. Something to compare & contrast with as to what I was like before. To see how much I had grown in the workplace. Being on the peripherals was not fun. When everyone else was just automatically just going to work for the wage I knew that I had bigger goals & needed to get my issue cleared up as soon as, if I was going to advance myself back into my profession. Before that I had not worked in any meaningful capacity for years, so failing at my career was inevitable really. I went away, unwittingly, & converted myself into a much better, fully functioning person. Knowing that this would be my key to a successful second attempt at a profession. I monitored myself every inch of the way & tried to learn as much about myself as I possibly could. I cannot afford to fail again. So when I received this latest opportunity for an interview, I thought that it would be a great indicator as to where I am on my path & show me just how far I have come on. I have a tendency to see every little thing as a metaphor in the direction that I am heading in. So to attract something as integral as an interview was, for me, a sign of great progress.
When I arrived for the interview I was petrified. There were chaps there that had 30 years service in the Police Force, military men, & the like. For starters I was scared & intimidated, but the fact that I had been hand picked out of literally hundreds of other candidates really gave me a boost. Then I began to feel proud that I was there, although quite aware that I was under-qualified for the position. I thought the best way forward for me was to be completely honest with them all. I did not feel like being vain or arrogant, I was pleased to be there & knew if I was honest with these people than they may be able to help me. In fact, by the time I got home I was so happy that I had been picked, interviewed, then given a business card by one of the interviewees, on the strength of my attitude, that I sent in an email to the company to express my gratitude to them for allowing me to remain intact, emotionally, & not compromising my integrity. Nothing else really mattered to me, not the posting, as I knew they would not pick me because I am not qualified enough, but I knew they would utilise me elsewhere for another position. Then whilst I was out today I received a phone call to say that I did not get the job. No disappointment, just an overwhelming sense of relief, but asked if they could they put me onto a contingency list. I knew this would happen, but I was not sure of what was going to happen next.
There is an immense transition taking place in me at the moment. So the attraction to project outwards is hard to resist. When the going gets tough, as it has this week, I want to reach out & blame others for their assumed transference onto me, which is a load of rubbish because transference only takes place in a very intimate environment, not psychically between miles of space between people. I know that this is ludicrous & it just causes me more confusion. It was this confusion manifesting itself that broke the light. Had I been calmer then I would done the job without glitch, or been wise enough to leave it to a professional. I screwed it up by being irratic & impatient with myself. A sort of internal conflict manifesting as a broken light. Me feeling broken. Or me breaking myself.
Just like chasing after people that do not want me to chase after them, or do, but will not reciprocate me. Why bother ? Fear, not of getting attached, but of thinking that someone will get in the way of my progression. I know that the woman in the gym would like me to chat more with her, but I genuinely feel that she, anyone female will get in the way of my progression. There is so much that I want to achieve now & through my brothers death, I have used up so many of my years, & do not want someone getting in my way now. It does go back to my mother, she would always hold my brother & I back from the things we always wanted to do. She acted as a kind of buffer that would not allow us to disappear from her life, & it was this that I resented from her. Her emasculation of me robbed me of vitality. So when it comes to women, & relationships, I feel that a person entering my life will stop me from being successful. Now I know that this is ridiculous, & irrational, immature. For I have been alone, without a relationship of substance, for the last six years, & I have achieved very little in material terms. I have maintained myself, but nothing to really write home about. In fact, I have screwed up my career in the last two years. I think this is really a frustration with my mother, & thinking all women are like her, which they are not, & then having no father to go to has really eaten away at me. Then I want to be without a relationship, as I think it will benefit me being alone, & it does nothing of the sort. This then all adds up to conflict & confusion. And breaking lights.
I want my parents on my terms; but I cannot. I want to be alone, as I believe that this will benefit me; it does not, it hinders me. I am scared to let my mother go, as she is all that I have. My brother is dead & my father is no longer in my life. Yet I am still alone & without any support, & I am failing, breaking things. Keeping myself away from the change I crave & am trying so hard to make happen. I feel sad that I am keeping myself in this state of internal conflict, but only because I am afraid of changing & growing into a butterfly. I am afraid of embracing maturity, love, wisdom, growth. Perhaps today was the sign that things are really beginning to change & if I put on hold this change then I am going to suffer. Although something does tell me that I am allowing in this change, but in bite-size morsels only. A little bit at a time, as I am not used to allowing my heart to open up all at one time. Only two weeks ago did I have that immense migraine, they are always a sign that things are coming in my life, & for a big change in my consciousness. I must be afraid of the shift that is manifesting inside of me.
I have been seeing my Blogging as a way of honing my communication skills in this very neglected field that I have only just entered. A friend did ask me how I am able to be so authentic in my blogs, & whenever I email her. I told her that I really enjoyed learning about myself, but like even more keeping it anonymous too. I also explained something very new that I have been able to uncover within my personality; that due to having emotionally shallow parents I now crave depth & reality in all my relationships, or I simply cannot function.
The woman in the gym that tries to pursue me is just a metaphor, which allows me to explain just what the problem is. I do not really want her pursuing me because I feel that I would rather wait until I feel ready for a relationship with someone that I like, just letting it happen is really what I am all about. I think it is nice that someone wants to get to know me, but I need to feel comfortable with a person before I can even think about depth. Although at the moment I do not want to meet someone, as I am only just starting out again & finding my feet. I have never enjoyed sleeping with just anyone. It is so intimate to have sex with someone, then risk seeing them leave afterwards & not return again. I have done it of course, but am now I`m older & out of my twenties, this kind of thing is not important to me any longer.
On Sunday I went along as a guest to the Krishna Consciousness Festival in Trafalgar Square. It was a lovely day. We waked from Hyde Park, along Piccadilly, down the Haymarket & into the square, where I enjoyed chanting for many hours in the sun with the devotees. It was a lovely afternoon, & I was so tired when I got home. I really enjoyed the chanting of the mantra, as much as I do my Buddhist meditation. It seems to have a cathartic effect upon me. I think that the chanting helps me come to terms with my past, in letting go of parental attachments & the loss of my brother, but it is all new too me, & like anything, I must take it in small doses to begin with. I always used to do this, take everything obsessively then give so much away, like an excited child, then feel let down, even robbed, later, when somebody had taken so much from me, & would give back nothing. In some ways this is exactly what I am suffering from with right now. Giving loads & receiving little, or even nothing in return. Neediness & not setting boundaries is what that is all about.
Like children we give so much away with the desire to play & be a part of it all, that we forget we are no longer children. Yet we still have a burning desire to want to reach out & play with energy that is unconditional. Then we are humiliated by someone telling us to grow up & behave ourselves. Naturally, we shut down & feel hurt, we stay away. We do not travel far. Why would we when it has taken us so long to find the little bit of security that we have gained after they have left ? Why risk opening up again, & relating to another, when they could, or probably will, tear it all down again ? It hurts too much. The pain of ridicule, embarrassment, just hurts. It hurts far more than sticking a needle in your arm, or cutting your skin open with a blade. The shame of humiliation. The confusion & bewilderment of being left for another, or finding that someone is never going to return is so painful. So many times did I see myself while I slept drifting aimlessly above my bed, curled up under the covers, in an embryonic position, just shaking with heartfelt sobs at my loss. Praying that this was a dream & that when I awoke everything would be back to normal. But it never was. Or seeing myself in a dream walk towards a gravestone, fall down upon my hands & knees, in the dark, the rain & the mud, & just howl.
Opening ourselves up to development & progression is a risk, it takes courage, & cannot be taken lightly. When we rush we break things, usually ourselves. This time I broke a light, not my heart. That is now safe & preparing to open up to love again, just the same as when I was a boy, but this time around, I can trust that person, whoever she is, because I can trust myself. It is Love that I, we, you, have all been afraid of opening our hearts up too. It takes bravery to do this, & one has to be ready. But, I think, I can feel, that I can now begin to love myself again. I have to take a risk now & I know that the Universe is behind me, so perhaps gently I can begin letting go of my fears a bit. The fear that has held me in it`s dark bosom for so long, feeding me a poisonous nectar that blocked out love & vitality, life, but has now allowed me to resonate, refine, & eventually feel the self - love that is the one ingredient that allows a person to feel unconditional love
I will have to begin looking at love in more depth in my next blog. But I will leave that for another time. There is so much upheaval at the moment that I am getting confused the more that I write. I guess, that I had better leave it for now, & go read a book or something. Perhaps some Hunter S, or Orwell, just to relieve the pressure, or maybe a little chanting before bed, might do the trick ?
Thanks for reading.
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