Everything negative, everything that was once healing & helping, is now leaving me. Everything that I once thought was good has now gone. Things, people & situations that I once went to are no longer a part of my life, my dimensions, my scope, are nowhere to be found any longer. And, although somewhat confusing, I really do feel positive about this dynamic change that is affecting me today.
Yesterday I found myself in the hospital having an lump removed from my back after just going there for a consultation. The Doctor deemed it serious enough to have operated upon it immediately. Naturally, I was a bit taken aback, but knew it was right for this to happen. So, in the interim I chilled out, laughed with the girls on the reception & meditated until the time came for me to `go -under`.
After returning home I slept, ate a little & went to bed. My usual meditative practices helped me to understand basically what had happened & its relation to all the recent changes that have been taking place in my life. I was able to see that, in short, everything has left me. The presumably, cancerous, lump has gone, just like my long hair went a month ago, exactly, the same dynamic took away my quiet, contained life & put in its place a better, healthier existence that includes other people, more music, more love.
In the short term, these losses have touched me & now I am beginning to see just how profoundly I have been affected by them. No Father, for a long time, to fall back on, to go to, to ask & then the shock of having my hair cut off, & seeing just how closely associated that is to the relationship with my Mother.
Like Samson, I too felt the trauma of allowing someone close to make such a major sacrifice on my part that I did not think I would get over it. And, like Samson again, I too experienced the loss of my masculinity to the matriarchal feminine. For, I had perservered for nearly a year to get my hair to a length that I had always wanted. But, showing the confidence to stick at something that I wanted showed tenacity, self -love & focus; Mother wanted control back so saw & used my achilles in the moment.
Not feeling wholeheartedly confident in my new look, she took no time in telling me how awful, shocking it looked & how my life would be better if I had it cut off & returned to not looking like Jesus. I fell prey & had it cut off the next day. Oh, how I wish I`d had the confidence to say No to her, but, I did not, alas, & now can see that I have to start again.
Contrast this with the removal yesterday of the lump & I can see that all things I no longer need are leaving me. Although I loved my hair I did not know this whilst I had it. It had to leave, be sacrificed, for me to understand my passion. Like Delilah, who cut off Samsons hair, she took into account no consideration for her future &, in that act of selfishness, set about the fall off her people. But, not dramatically, in my case, Mum took my hair so that I could see the symbiotic connection, break it off & free myself of the blockage her love has caused in my life. And, since coming to understand this situation within me I have been able to see the symbolic side of yesterdays operation & see that life is returning to me away, but away from her.
Life is returning to me now, through the shock of being without my hair. I have learned to appreciate it so much more. I`ve bought products that will help & enhance the type of hair that I have. I have got in touch with my locks & made friends with them so that they can help me, like Samson. But, most importantly, I have had the wherewithal to include my Mother in this process.
She felt bad after realizing that the exact opposite had happened when I explained to her that I wanted my hair back even more than when I had it. And, if she did not like it then that was that. For her act, had given me back my voice, my strength & my masculinity. She realized that the matriarchal figure had, in the end, set about a process of letting go of her Son by taking his hair for a sacrifice so that he could return to the life she had intended for him, but without her interference.
