SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES

 After what has happened to me at work, for reasons unbeknown to me at the time, I began to feel really uncomfortable. So I decided to contact my superior to ask him why I had not been asked to return . He told me that he was under the impression that I had left, after what had happened the week before when the incidents concerning my colleague assaulting a minor & then the main manager out me asking me to assist another venue because they had not paid for enough decent security to take the brunt of a violent night.

 My colleague told my manager, that due to a text I sent him on the Friday, explaining that I did not feel like returning to work, he under the impression that I had gone. I took responsibility for the text & said that due to me being upset at those two, he should let me know what I am to do. My boss told me he did not need me in this bank holiday, but as long as I sat down with my colleague he would be happy to have me return to duties the following week. As I had already contacted my colleague over the same matter, I awaited his reply. I have known for sometime that a natural ending was materialising, but this felt like unfinished business, & I needed to find closure before I could move on & begin feeling good again. This was an important discovery for me; needing to find closure of an issue before I could move on again. Now I can see why I have become so stuck over the years, blaming everyone else for my lack of movement. Wish I had had that level of awareness years ago. This issue about letting the past go has been repeating itself until I finally got it today, which is I am writing my blog about it today.

 So I told my colleague, after he explained to me that I needed to speak to my wage payer for hours, that I needed to speak to nobody as I had done nothing wrong at all, & this empowered me. It empowered me because, not only was it right, but because I was, at last, feeling in control of myself, not just in the company of lightweights, like this lot who are not in my emotional or intellectual capacity. I emailed the manager this morning, after sleeping on it, & explained that, once again, it was not me that assaulted a child, nor do I have an over-inflated opinion of myself that puts others at risk. I went on to say that I will not be taking his advice either, as it is not good enough, & that it`s misplaced. Sadly, my email was not reciprocated, as I had much more to say, so I left it at that. I am looking forward to whatever comes of the email that I sent complaining about all this to head office, as these two do not know of that one.

 Anyhow, all this is not that important, but what is relevant here, & it is a big issue, that has held me back over these last few years, is that if I associate with a particular energy then that vibration will come back to me. From what I can ascertain, it is the same as being in bad relationship. If I am not happy with something, someone, anything at all, & I ponder upon it, then this vibe will keep attaching itself too me, & I will repeat the cycle. For example; I have met someone that I like, so I have thought about her, & feel that she would like me to be patient with her, as it is all I have at the moment, I shall go with it. But before I would never of bothered with such feelings writing them off as ridiculous. My impatience would not of allowed such feminine nonsense to manifest in me & cause ridicule. Yet, I was the fool because nobody was laughing at me. And it was this parochial attitude that ended up causing me such misery. It was this fear that stopped me finding love, a career, & happiness. I think that I have, at last, licked it. Let me try & explain this epiphany.

  As a young man, I tend to beat myself up over not knowing myself as much as I want too, or so my previous Therapist used to say. However, it is true, & yet, I have only realised this today, & he mentioned that 6 years ago. You see, having studied Buddhism, & Eastern philosophy, not too mention Psychoanalysis, as a student & for so long, I feel strongly that I should know all this, but it seems that I do not, & this is what has held me back. It has not been exactly ignorance, but more a lack of self-awareness, that has caused me much angst. It has probably got more to do with impatience than most other issues, I hasten to add.

 The conclusion that I have come to is that if I need a certain type of mental space to move forward in a particular direction, then issues that are blocking that direction will have to be worked through ? This will then allow a new dynamic to enter my lifestyle. The problem here is that, depending on how big the issue/obstruction is will depend on how big the transformation will be. Either way I will have to adapt to whatever adapting needs to take place. Then eventually the physical changes will take place & allow the new structure building in me to take place. Once this old issue has been worked through, it can then be given up, &  the new space will begin to house a new dynamic manifesting inside of me working up the new mental solutions, which then take over, allowing the brand new structure to solidify. This then in the penultimate that paves the way for the physical manifestation of ones end result. That is my theory at the moment.

 This must be what Alchemy is ?

 Now this is important, as it is what I have been seeking all my life; the secret of how to be successful. Simply put, the more I refine myself, the more refinement will attract itself too me, & thereby attracting in a whole new, healthier cycle. Obstructions will naturally repel at the sight of me, & quality people & things will groove with me. This understanding of how we raise our cycles is impressive, for there is no such thing as a free lunch, quality comes at a price, & demands to be paid for. In whatever currency is irrelevant; blood, sweat, or tears, no matter, as long as one pays, one will rid themselves of rubbish & maintain healthy standards. This philosophy will stop further complications & unresolved issues, ruining my life. This can then allow in progress where I can move forward & burn out old habits surrounding insecurities, & self-belief. It is these terrible afflictions that have done so much damage to me. But, all along, it has been this pain pushing me to find enlightenment & see that it is has been just an illusion all along.

  In fact, one could apply it too ones very own existence, I suppose ? The reason we are here, but I will leave that for another blog. Although, I am very happy to discuss this with anyone, should they want to talk to me about it.

 In all honesty, Buddhism, or not, I feel that my own need, or Sub-Conscious mind, has been pushing me to confront my issues all along. It has taking me to this particular job to teach me just how advanced I am. All the attributes one needs to be an excellent operative in my chosen career path I have been learning on this job, not too mention what I already knew. I have learnt, when functioning as part of a team, how important it is too be aware of others, how to empathise appropriately & also how to handle work related issues. Not too mention my confidence, communication skills, responsibility, & resilience. All the skills that I needed some time ago, but simply did not possess. Now that I have them I can enhance them, but in a more professional environment that will better for my success rate than the last. This is progression.

I wanted to achieve a goal. I tried, but kept failing, & never did I step away from it. Even though it hurt me so much. I cried with agony, with pain, & with fear, but never did I come away from it. Like the Buddha, every hurdle seemed to be thrown at me, & sometimes they really halted me, sometimes they actually humiliated me, & tried to degrade me, but walking away was never an option. In fact, it never entered my head. There were times when I thought that I had walked away from it, left it, but it just kept coming right back at me. I even found myself behaving as one would expect this profession to behave like, & applying the principles of this profession to my own job role. Yet, all the while not realising that I was burning through those issues that had once held me back from realising my dream earlier. I was learning, & applying those lessons to enhance my knowledge, so that I would become my profession as soon as I could. My gym work, my writing skills, knowledge within that field, are all accumulating & gaining in momentum. pushing me closer to my dream. Which is why it so important too stay attached to winning, & allowing in all that is associated with winners.

 Now this job is finally over the weight has lifted from me. The weight of issues that held me back from my dream are gone & a new structure is beginning to solidify in place of the old one that held me back. I can walk away from this now because I know that I have learnt what I need to carry me into the next realm of clearing the path  for my role that I am making happen. I did not realise how close I was too my dream career until I began discussing it with you. Like, really close.

 One day, I expect the career I am materialising will become an issue that I will have to burn through, but, until that day, I will keep on striving & remaining focused as hell, until I get what I want, my career.

 Thanks for reading my blog

AUTHENTICITY WITHIN THE PERSONALITY

 The weekends weather was amazing here in London. I decided, as I am just beginning to adjust to being without employment, to go into Soho, just to have a wander around, & perhaps pick up a record & grab a bite in Govindas. Whilst there I began to think about how free I actually am now. How much I have dealt with.

 For a long time now I have been in some conflict over my ability to survive without consistent employment. Feeling guilty about not having regular things to do like everyone else did cause me much consternation. Naturally, I have always worked, but sporadically. Where I felt that I had so much emotional integration to do, & always have felt this, I decided that I would do that instead, make that my day-to-day profession. What I did not bank on was the immense emotional trauma that this would cause to me. I was actually harming myself more before the `work` actually begun to the trip through it. Jung spoke of making the correct choice when deciding upon transformation. For it will cause a person such intense change that many adherents to it do not survive. I have been glad that Jung was always there if I needed his sage. So the one thing that always nagged & pulled at me was this  issue of not having fellowship & gainful employment. Employment where someone else paid all my taxes, gave me a holiday once a year, & took care of me. Where I could rectify all the financial problems I had caused my self over the years. In short, a father is what I was looking for. Going to work was for me at one stage representing fatherly protection. Yet, I could not do it, or perhaps, not wanting to, actually. I never liked my father much, so I did not want to look for a career, just keep myself alive while I worked upon myself, was all I wanted to do. However there was a time a couple of years ago when I had a complete breakdown & found myself having to go to the state for help, which really affected my confidence. I found it very difficult to get off the cycle, & found everything inaccessible. The job I had always done, was not to be relied upon, & my irregular employer was so famous & so wealthy that I feared that he would not give my predicament any more thought than one would a beggar on the street. So when he did eventually call me I would become so elated that I kept myself in a vicious cycle of irregular semi-employment, as the call would only happen once a year, twice if I was lucky. This was so unhealthy for me. Not the work, of course, or him, but the lack of work in between his employment. This put me into such a damaging place that it affected my mental state, keeping me locked into a bad place of under-working. This is as damaging as over-working.

 Yes, today, I can see the progression that I have made in this area of my life. In fact, as I sit here writing, looking out at the sun, the radio plays a song that was so indicative of how I was feeling three years ago; Don Adams - Rest My Soul. This wonderful soul, track from 1969, is just about as close as I can get to describing too you just how much pain my ignorance was causing me. I was in deep fear & angst that affected my ability to make quality decisions. I did not know which way to turn. I would go to my mothers, after hours of wandering around a local shopping area, thinking I was someone that I was not. Looking back I can see just how lost & frightened I really was. I remember one particularly trying, cold, wet afternoon there; I had decided that I would prolong my stay there, not wanting to face coming home, & go over to visit my mother. When I got there, I began to tell her how I was feeling, then that I just broke down crying. I simply could not stand what I was going through. So badly did I craved normality, change. Yet deep inside me, all the while, knowing I was going through an immense cleansing of all my issues, that were if left going to cause far deeper problems than anything I was presently experiencing. I was transforming, but experiencing the pain of emotional upheaval, at it`s worst & there was nothing I could do but accept it.

 There have been many times over the years when I have gone through similar experiences, but for some reason, this one stuck out. I was very disturbed at the time, yet never took medication, only therapy. I think being turned down, for the first time, in my chosen career, left a big wound. I must be honest, that rejection may well of been what I was going through at that stage, as I was a year into not talking with my father. I remember being bitterly upset that he had not really tried to maintain a relationship with me. He just left me alone. What I think I was trying to achieve was to extract attention from him & evoke a response, but nothing ever came forth. He did once contact me, a few months after we had stopped talking, on my birthday, but it was close to me instigating the break that I did not want to talk with him.. Since then he has not bothered. This had begun to bite deep, & was taking up too much of my thinking space.

 Unlike today where I have many friends & healthy pastimes, based around my home & natural progression. Now I like to reflect upon these, not so long ago days, & compare them with who I have become today. Things feel positive & worthwhile now.

Maturity & Embracing Self-Respect

You may remember at some stage last week, I expressed that my work situation was not ideal, & that I was frustrated working with some very aggressive & inexperienced people. Well, it all came to a head this morning, but not before I sent an email to a colleague Wednesday stating how shabby & vulnerable management decisions were leaving me feeling. I mentioned on top of this that the colleague I work closely with was really making some ridiculous & downright dangerous decisions, that were not only damaging to him, but to me & everyone else that works there too. I stated the law when I said that had the child he assaulted been from a better background my colleague would of been arrested, his own child taken into care, the manager who employs him may well of had his licence revoked, & the place may of been temporarily shut down. This is not even taking into account recent licencing issues that have been down to this managers poor decision making. The colleague who I sent the email sent it onto another manager who is dealing with it now. In the mean time I took time off, as I knew it would be difficult for me to work under those conditions.

 I had become very very upset & frustrated with every direction that I went in there. My immediate security boss kept providing me with such poor quality staff, that it was not only embarrassing, but, once again, dangerous. It is the same old saga here, me not wanting to feel vulnerable, & doing everything I can to remain safe & away from idiotic decision making. My standards cannot be met being around people like this. The staff are so young that recklessness does spill out onto others all the time & does cause me problems, far too many to mention here. This is coupled with poor quality team members who do not allow for good practise. I am continually finding myself not being able to do my job to a good standard. The manager of the place lacks so much experience with people that, again, decisions are poorly made, & this undermines everyone`s moral. The overall manager does not realise that everyone keeps berating him behind his back, yet not one person will be honest with him. Some said that my colleague should not of sent my email to a middle manager, but I disagreed. I am pleased that he has done this, & he did not go behind my back, he asked me beforehand.

 In despair, before standing down today, using the sensible decision of taking this week off, I went to chant at the Temple in Soho last night. It brought me comfort, as I had no one to talk with. I ended up discussing with a monk whilst I was there, my predicament. It was a wonderful experience. It helped me put things into  a proper perspective & realise that this issue is about me, & not anyone else. He showed me that the best we can do when things are so difficult is to bring a quality level of Consciousness to a poor situation. To show others how things should be done & that is all one can do. He called it Krishna Consciousness & it made me feel confident to know that someone had heard me. This is exactly what I have been trying to do ever since I realised that I would be leaving when things begun falling apart & imploding. I peaked with great positivity, realising why I was there, yet knew that my time to leave would present itself when things began to harm me from an internal place. This is exactly what is happening now. I have left a feeling of elation for those that valued my presence & tried to instil sounder work ethics. I proved this by cleaning up the place when I arrived there by implementing boundaries & self-respect. It worked & the venue became safer, & a more enriched, enjoyable place. Now due to what has happened recently I can see that this has, or soon will be, all undone & old values will creep back. That is of course, if my email is not taken notice of. I am not suggesting that I am right, but seeing what I did see, & the decisions that were being made, by whom, I can see that old habits will return if it is not taken any notice.

 Returning to work is very new to me. For I have lived through a depression for many years since my brother died. In some ways I just managed to survive. Sometimes it was so bad I could hardly move, other times, I felt fine, but always so lonely, & what made me feel worse was that due to how I look, very few people would take me seriously, or even believe that I was ill. As I tried to maintain a routine of sorts, I would go to the gym everyday & as the depression became less, I would refine my diet accordingly, so I knew I always looked good on the outside. But, work was off the agenda, as I could hardly find the gumption to write, let alone actually go out to work. All I ever did was a few odd security jobs to keep myself afloat. It really was a meek existence, just staving off loneliness & vulnerability kept me busy enough. Staying secure was paramount. Certainly there was never room for a partner, so I stayed alone in my home. I became insular, quiet, & without confidence, afraid, really. All I ever did was educate myself in favourite subjects, Psychology, Psychoanalysis, Philosophy & literature, music, etc. In fact, all the subjects I had always wanted to learn as a boy, but could not due to my not having overly sensitive or understanding parents. These were subjects that would have to be put off until I was older. In the short term, the thing that got in my way was the constant fending off of rows, my mothers depression, & my parents symbiotic relationship toward each other, was enough to be contending with. Let alone worrying about my education, sadly. Which, naturally, suffered at the hands of my parents lack of encouragement & support for me. They never had much ambition for themselves, so could not for me, other than the usual fatuous requests for me to do something worthwhile that they could both benefit from, such as a car mechanic, or trades person. At times my father would verse me in the benefits of becoming a carpenter, & later a sign-writer, but eventually settling on painting, as it was easiest & would shut them up. The problem was is that due to their lack of depth & honesty, I really did not know that the aforementioned subject were of any interest to me. It was only when I went to Richmond College to study Scenic Design that I met others that were indeed studying such interesting subjects. It was then that I was able to begin a personal reading list & begin educating myself, as my father would never of paid for me to go there & learn the soft sciences. Everything had to be on his terms, or he would not bother. When he finally left to pursue new nadirs I was glad to see the back of him.

 So, returning to work has been rather enlightening for me. In fact, so much so, that I can honestly say that my confidence has grown immensely. I did not realise how much I had come on. Nor did I realise that I had the ability to lead others too. It is true that I have stepped down, but this is only temporarily. It may mean that I will not return to my present position, but I will now find alternative employment elsewhere. It is not even a question that I will return to my cave, the ivory tower that was once my home. That will never happen again. for my home now is one that is a representative of who I have become in these last few months. During this time of returning to work it has completely transformed me, & this has filtered down into my beloved record collection & the decoration of the flat too. So there are many things that I want to do at the moment. I want to relax & enjoy this new environment for a couple of weeks. Just be away from this recent predicament, it is of little value just thinking about it all the time.

 Although there are no guarantees, I feel extremely positive & focused on having another attempt at achieving my previously failed attempt at my choice of career. It is one that I have always wanted to do, but sadly, I was stopped from achieving this ambition two years ago. Which is a separate story, & a long & arduous one too. I know that what a man sets his heart too, he will undoubtedly achieve.

 No, what I think about this present work related situation at my present work place is that there are certain things that must be put in place if it is to succeed. I really want it too, as it is the first work place that I have returned to since becoming a healthy man again, & because of that I respect it immensely. But, right now there is so much that are causing me problems & obstructing how I do my job. I do not profess to be the best at my job, but I do have experience & my knowledge has helped me achieve many other goals in my life. Also, the fact that I am being asked to return to the place says a lot. It confirms my self-belief.

 As when any of us go through challenging transformations, or rebirths, we have a tendency to feel vulnerable. I certainly do today. The prospect of no regular money or external stimulations. Of course, there are many things about the place that I am glad are over, but a few, like the better quality people that worked there I will miss. I am not even sure if it is all over there for me. But, right now it is. As with all situations that are surrounded with immaturity there is always a culture of denial running through it, & when you have such an environment challenged there will be always be resentment & hostility toward the light bringer. So it is wise to stay away. I think, also, that it shows maturity. Maturity for a person to make a decision & stand by it. If one feels it is the correct thing to do then one should do that, it is self-respect. I am also pleased that I have met such lovely people to.

 My friend, I shall call Dee, communicates with me. When I email her, & share parts of myself, she returns my emails, not always immediately, but always within a couple of days time, & we have only just met. This is down to Dees maturity.When a lack of communication breaks down within a situation it is down to immaturity. This is an enlightenment for me as this enables me to see the whole issue clearly. I have not been able to see a solution to my issue, with work & my career.due to my `up-closeness` ( Colin Wilson`s term, not mine ).  Simply put, I was not mature enough to find the gumption to want a career, & due to my return to work I can see that I have matured. My depression was down to a lack of awareness in matters of personal responsibility. Because of this, no more will I be putting myself into positions that are dangerous, or allowing others to become precarious due to my recklessness. I can see now that I could have a career with my present levels of maturity, & that I could maintain myself within in it too. I can have a relationship, & not be scared to open up & be real. I am good enough now. For I am ready to be tested in matters of work & career. Perhaps in matters of the heart too, the direction, & speed, things are moving in .

 It is truly fascinating to see ones life unfold the moment one moves away from a difficult situation that needs little more time spent upon it, pondering on whether one needs to be there & what one can get out of it in terms of lessons & karma. Hanging on obstructs progression. Once one leaves behind all things that serve no value then one can move to the next stage of their life.

 Thus far, I have tried to work at my life as an Alchemist. Not in the religious sense of the word, but more as  as a process of integration as I have gone along. Never have I followed a religious or a dogmatic path, for this would be wrong & against the grain of how I live my life. This ascetic road has had its frustrations. For I have seen others get on with their careers, build families & enjoy their children, money even. It is this that has been a constant challenge. As I got older it has been an issue that constantly nags at me; " Am  I wasting my life, should I just get on with all things material & have done with it ? " Yet, how I have always felt about this is that I should embrace my destiny. Just accept it & know that my life is headed in the direction of personal success. When I look at the quality of my home now, receiving an email from Dee, thinking about the email I sent to my colleague & pondering on the outcome, or my record collection, I know that really I should be more confident in believing that I am making the correct choices for my life.

 Up until now I never really felt good enough. My parents were not wholly supportive, nor were they massively aware of the benefits of an education. They tended to have a very working class attitude to education & self-improvement. My mother still does to a point, but has become far more refined than she ever was before. Which I guess comes with age. My father I really cannot comment on as we have not spoken to each other for a few years, but my hunch is that he is probably still the same as he ever was, narcissistic. But, through allowing self-awareness & maturity to evolve within me, & believe in my decisions, I can begin to see that I have worked hard on myself to beat depression & find happiness again. So when something is upsetting me & causing me consternation, it is vital to let it go. For far too long I have held onto this upset & it has caused me such misery. Perhaps it is appropriate to leave it here & leave with you an image I saw in a dream a few night ago. In the reception area of my last attempt to begin a career, I rose out of myself just like an Egyption god. Hands were pointed upwards, whilst my arms were bent at the elbows. I was blond, tanned & formidable.

 Thank you for reading my blog today

Fathers, & The Damage They Do.

 Just finished sending an email to a friend. He had recently become upset with a mutual friends behaviour towards him. I shall not bother you with all the details as they are not that important, & the relevance of his behaviour will become clear with what I am discussing today.

 My friend is really hurt & angry about this person. I will call him, P. He took P into his apartment when he needed a place to stay. P abused his hospitality by introducing his girlfriend into the equation so that she rarely left the place, never paid the rent in full, or on time. When another friend caught P in a local pub buying champagne for another, random woman & gossiping raw innuendoes, my friend finally put his foot down by giving him notice of leave. Naturally with this type, he caused an argument & left leaving a deficit in his rent.

 My friend & I recently went out for lunch to discuss this atrocious behaviour of P`s. It was rather shocking for me to learn of Ps bad form. As I had known him for many years, but had never really come across this level of  behaviour before, certainly not to the depth that my friend explained, it came as a bolt. This morning I wrote an email, upon reflection of this story, to my friend explaining how I saw things, having a background in Psychology helped me piece together fragments of what he had shared with me & I formed a picture. As I wrote I realised that I was no longer writing about my take on P & his shocking behaviour, but on a rather more poignant & meaningful issue to me, my father. What a double whammy to of realised that Ps issues were exactly that of my fathers, & I could easily see why I had P in my life, & why I had never got too close to him, always being aware of his selfish, immature ways. Never did it occur to me that this was really about my fathers treatment towards me growing up. His decency when I wanted to indulge in something, but his sheer self-hatred would refuse to allow him to encouraging me consistently in that chosen subject. Many times he would simply be unavailable for me, any of us, including my mother. He just never got it that his lack of commitment to us wholeheartedly tore me apart. As though he would rather spend time with those that were less intimate than me, like work colleagues, lovers, anyone that would net need him, people he could keep at arms length. My father could not commit to me, nor could he be sensitive, kind to me, especially as I grew up & tried to function on my own. He was never be able to support me. Leaving me in the lurch & changing his mind without informing me naturally gave way to a lack of confidence & self-respect making me massively vulnerable & without the ability to form healthy attachments. Only recently returning to the workplace have I been able to see how much I have grown & able to adjust to challenging situations.

 My father & I stopped talking to each other nearly 3 years ago now. I found him an awful, obstructive & needy influence in my life. A person who would rather go out of his way than to encourage, support or pay for anything that was required of him. A man shabby of values & mean of spirit. Arrogant & insensitive to others needs. I had decided a long time ago that I never liked this man much, although I never was in a place where I could acknowledge this severe emotion, for he would treat my late brother & I, as though we were just his friends, & we suffered emotionally because of it. The fact that my brother died, in part due to my fathers lack of positive or quality interaction with him, will never allow me to bring myself to speak with him again.

 As I pulled up the negative aspects of Ps personality, I could see that he, like my father was ultimately very lonely & very sad. Here was a person who could not, would not, bring themselves to appreciate anything of value, but would lavish an immense amount upon those that did not mean much. Like my father leaving us boys for someone that he certainly never knew as intimately as his own family. Although I was relieved to find that discussing P I was not as angry as I thought I was. I guess maturity & the sheer desire to be rid of my fathers negative influence upon my life has given me the incentive to burn through as much of my anger & shock that I can without it killing me too ? This man`s personality has done me so much damage & got so much in my way that I simply had to come away from him.

 The fact that I had had a friend such as P in my life shocked me, although it did allow me to feel contentment in feeling that I had moved away from my father & perhaps now could begin the process of letting go of the narcissistic wounding in me, begin a clean slate away from needing my father. His influence has been around me for so long that I needed this shift, this epiphany to happen. I realised whilst writing to my friend that after all the work I have done on myself I was still being plagued by my fathers influence.

 While at work I begun to feel immensely empowered by my ability to set my own working boundaries & not be afraid to tell the manager what I thought of him, yet this time I was concerned about losing my job, so just spoke to him with honesty. I deserved this of myself, & felt a lot self-respect re-enter my life because of it. This really did enable me to kick start this programme that has been running in me for a long time, to rid myself of any old unhelpful emotional attachment that has held me back. For too many years this man`s influence upon me has set every standard that I had. He would still be around, in me, even though I have not spoke to him in years. His attachment to me has been feeding off of me for years. This has not been helped by the fact that where I have been through so much pain & I have wanted him to help me, but he has not, I have felt a burning resentment, perhaps jealousy that others have received much from him, but me, his son has not.

 Around a year after my brother was killed I remembered him selling up & going to live in Florida. I was gobsmacked at his decision, but in hindsight that is exactly the type of man he is; selfish & conceited. The crashing of his narcissism when my brother died was too much for him & he emigrated, then had a breakdown. I feel no pity for him, for he is a childish man that, like me, has had to learn to cope, with his loss.

I certainly have not been able to bring myself to empathise with him over the loss of my brother. He certainly never did with me, & that is something that really hurts me, even now. When I say that I really do not care, I mean it. Where I have had to learn to live without my beloved brother alone, knowing he was killed like an animal by the side of the road, & my father refused to even pay for his funeral, I can honestly say that I have no pity for the man. The only thing that I have to think about is how this anger toward him affects my life. I do not want to make peace with hi, you see. I enjoy the fact that he cannot see me, speak with me, like I said to my friend about P, life really is better without him. I suppose that it really me, at last, being in control over him.  At last I now have control over my father, & that is what this is, he cannot control me physically nor emotionally any longer, for I am now the stronger opponent. As a boy I had a formidable opponent to my freedom,obstructing me from carrying out all the things that I wanted to do. He stopped me from going to a good school, receiving a better education, he took me away from my friends & dumped me off in the wilds of deepest Surrey & then left me there when he chose to leave. For this I have never forgiven him, & it was this area that robbed my brother of his life. In this my mother is completely irrelevant, for she does not matter too me within the context of this situation.

 The problem here is, self-harm. I am wise enough to see that all my life I have been suffering from internalised anger, eating me up. It is this suppression, well, oppression really, that has robbed me of living healthier, happier & with joy in my heart. I have lived according to my sheer hatred for that man. While he has got on with his life I have suffered at my own hand. Obstructing goodness, fellowship, belonging. I have stopped a career, love, wealth, all from entering my life never realising that all this anger for him was buried away in my unconscious. I never thought to own it or make it my own. To survive I projected it, analysed it, wrote about it, even seeing studied it at University. I saw a Therapist for many years, all just to try to make sense of  my deep unhappiness in life. And all along it was my oppressed feelings for this man that made things so unbearable. Many things that have happened over time have just added to my woe, pressure that has compounded in me making my pain deeper & more hidden from it`s deepest foundation.

 So, what does all this mean today ? Does it mean that I can now see where I have been going wrong, & looking at the nice people in my life, move away from pain that has been in me for ever ? Certainly I feel that I have, at last, made a leeway into a healthier approach to how I live my life. For I want to feel again, just as I did before I was dragged off to a place that I did not want to go to as a boy. I love the fact that I am making a success of my life now, away from him, without any of his negative input. I guess the paradox here is that he too would like to see me become successful in my own right, however, I am not completely sure of this. I do want certain things to work out in my favour. I have spent much energy preparing for them to happen, so I do not see any reason why they will not. Even my job at the moment, whilst far from perfect, it is giving me the much needed experience of being in the workplace once again, & earning a regular wage which affords me the little things in life that make life nice. I simply never bothered with such things before. In some way, I am beginning my life again after this most intense of depressions. Beginning work again, meeting new people, seeing the types I used to hang around with, knowing that I am no longer anything like them, for they know repel me when I see them, on the whole things now really are getting better. So it is easy to see that my fathers presence in my life is thinning out now like some bad poison that has been in me ruining my life for far too long. The antidote has been found, it is self-respect, confidence & love. Three immense dynamics that are coming together to form a new, more powerful me, one that can, at last, be the man that I was always meant to be.


 It is funny how we do so much sub-consciously, without realising that the influence of such a significant person is still so forceful. Under all the bravado something that we try to run away from, just sits there guiding us without realising it.. I would like to think that the reason this lot has come up today is because I am at last moving away from my anger & trying to process it, so that one day I will be able to see through it clearly.

Symbolism & Its importance.

 Last night at work I became sadly aware that my recent, temporary, job had come to an end, & should I choose to ignore the signs, trouble would be in store for me.

 My colleague physically assaulted a youngster, well below the age of consent. It shocked me, as I had given him a lot of credit as someone that I respected, & believed was a decent man. Perhaps he still is, but in my eyes today, he is nothing but an angry, somewhat selfish person who does not consider the implications that his actions may have upon others. I told him, after seeing that the child was well, that he was in the wrong, & that his actions were shameful. I was shocked to see him do this that & I did not want to work alongside him for the rest of the evening. It is funny because before work I sensed very strongly his daughter, wondering what I could give her as a small gift, as I had met her only a week before & found her very sweet. Now he was pushing a child her age. My premonition frightened me.

 It was not long after coming to terms with this when a member of staff approached me expressing her sentiments about the colleagues behaviour. She said in her quiet feminine way, that he was very aggressive. I tried to extract from her exactly what she meant by this, but it did not take much working out to see what she meant, that men in security from East Europe are used to beating people of all ages up, never discussing or placating. It chilled me. I thanked her for her input

 Not long after this the manager of the establishment asked me to assist my colleague by going down to a bar to help the landlord, who had become overwhelmed by rowdiness. I felt angry to of been put upon by this fool who had no sense of boundaries or personal responsibility. In fact, he seemed determined to undermine every positive thing, or quality piece of work that is done there, by dismantling it behind ones back. Like a kind of odd death instinct. When I arrived at the place, with my colleague, I was overwhelmed to see the place full of Chelsea football supporters screaming as it was the champions league final. I immediately spoke with them, told my colleague that we can now go, & I left as quickly as I arrived. He chose to stay, his reasoning for this decision, I will never understand to this day. He finally returned to us, myself & the remaining operative, who had been left completely alone on such a hellish, menacing evening, 45 minutes later, leaving us alone & completely vulnerable. In fact, in some small way, this was proven as we saw the original children that he had assaulted, run up the high street clutching some hapless woman`s small handbag, whooping with delight as they ran. I told the manager that  he was wrong to of undermined, not only our safety, but also that of his remaining staff & the security of the customers. All I felt from him was that due to his managerial position, he could do as he damn well pleased. I also told him that he was immature & ridiculous to of taken such a decision & that he was indeed undermining all we had all worked so hard for.

 On my colleagues return I expressed in no uncertain terms, but still trying to remain together, that he was again wrong & that he seriously needed to re-evaluate his position in security. It was`nt until later that I realised that it was me that needed to re-evaluate my position in security. He suddenly was no longer important to me. As I started mentally stockpiling all the recent incidents that had recently been laid at my door, & not by the customers, but actual members of staff, I could see that if I did not take this as my queue to leave then I was seriously putting myself into an untenable position as far as my well-being went. The staffs lack of life experience & recklessness was suddenly causing me a problem. I had to prepare fast my departure from this madness, as I was going to get hurt by a decision that they someone would make sooner or later.

 At the end of the evening I could not even speak with the manager of the other bar. He had the tenacity to come to my place of employment for a drink after he had closed his bar, & that the police had been called, still never tugged at his sense of shame. He approached me to thank me, knowing that I neither respected nor liked him, seeing him as a cheap, exploiter of others. I had told him on the walk down there, that by not employing good, or even enough security, & then relying on the stupidity of people like my colleague to clean up his cost-cutting, he was disgusting & a menace. I shook his hand as I been brought up to do had taught me , but when he asked me for my name, I put my foot well & truly down, I told him, without eye contact, that I did not have one, & that I had no interest in him whatsoever. He just left. Not long after filing in my time sheet I too went home.

 How do I feel today ? Relief that my position is over, although I have not told anyone yet as I really wanted t to be sure that what I am feeling today is genuine & that I am making the correct decision. It comes down to being confidence that I am making the correct decisions for my immediate future. I`m also somewhat concerned as there will no longer be a regular wage for a while, but I am financially secure for the next couple of weeks. More importantly though this position has been the one thing that has enabled me to re-enter the world again & for that I am grateful. After what I had been through with a previous career setback, my confidence was quite literally shattered. I had only recently begun getting my confidence back in the workplace when I started here. The decision I have made today & come away from this situation is resonating more all the time. I am mindful of the damage it is beginning to cause me & this has to be taken notice of just by itself if nothing in itself

 When something is over it is over & it should be left that way. The universe, I believe will take care of the rest.

He Pretended Not To Want Her Love

 While I was sitting here today in my lounge I began to experience an immense sensation of tiredness overcome me. Naturally, I fell asleep. I fell into a profound deadening sleep. When I awoke I became frustrated that I had fallen asleep in the middle of the afternoon, as though I were some old man. I then began to feel anger. I continued to monitor this anger, becoming constricted with an obstruction in my chest. What on earth was going on ? Before it was easy to understand such a sensation; other people. I could easily write off all sorts of aches & pains, tiredness, profound feelings, & project onto other people, as though it were some kind of Freudian transference. Perhaps it was, sometimes ? Yet, never considering whether it was me. Perhaps it was an issue trying to raise itself in me so that I could be rid of it & move on.

 My sleep has, & still is, disturbing me. I had a pleasant enough morning, no problems, until I was walking back from the gym, & then begun to notice a couple of people I do not particularly like. I felt myself projecting this anger onto them, so as to feel better. I felt myself become defensive near them, as though I would need to fight them to protect myself. Like the chap I saw he other day staring at me, then drive very fast past me. He upset me & I felt very uncomfortable near him. I experienced hostility emanating from him, just as I have felt sexual feelings coming from a person towards me in the gym. Some people, I think, have more demanding needs than others. Sometimes these needier types in society will try to reach out in their own, perhaps, dysfunctional way. But, why should it make a difference in my life ? Narcissism is the answer. The emptiness in my life that has always been there, gnawing away at me, leaving me oddly unsatisfied. There is not a person in my life that can make me feel anything, unless, one I choose for them to make me feel anything. Just like the man who wants to have sex with his partner when his partner does not want to. He could try to arouse the other person, but, if the other person does not want to have sex with him, then arousal will not be for long for too long, for it needs an environment of mutual expression to maintain mutual satisfaction. It needs two willing people to maintain a level of intimacy needed for that particular environment. The same principle counts if I see someone who I think is projecting onto me, the minute that I become disturbed & react by the transference, I begin to feed that projection. I am then feeding the stereotype of the  projection. Why do we need to react to another persons feeling s laid on us? It is not nice of course, but to answer this misses the point because it boils down to us. Our emptiness, our longing to feel satisfied, stops us from feeling happiness, love, self-love, & we look for outlets to dismiss these feelings of emptiness.

  I, myself, have needed so much, & this has caused my own narcissistic wound to stop me from finding the ability to love myself, & ultimately own my stuff. Where I have needed so much attention just to make me feel good, I have looked to fight, argue, & frighten others away from me. I have forgotten how great I once was. I forgot to believe in just being little old me. I never believed that I could feel good just being normal. I always thought because I felt different I was, when really it was because I never wanted to admit that I was depressed, alone, & in pain. I neglected myself, & my mind would not work to too much purpose. My mother would say, "I am happy when you are happy "; unhelpful, & although she never thought she was lacking in support, her attitude was unhelpful. Growing up I never felt vital or encouraged to do anything much, I was just left alone for too long. Naturally I grew up defensive, betrayed, & alone. Just me fighting the world, blaming others before anything ever happened.

 So comparing all this with what happened today, with my anger, & then falling sleep, it is not hard to see why I have been attracting a defensive stance toward me. It`s own anger, buried deep away, showing itself when I get defensive. Defensiveness, then anger, spiralling out after being trapped inside by suppression, then like  a great damn, but more refined than before, it blows out, & onto the recipient, who naturally reacts in a defensive posture because he is being projected onto by me. It comes from some quiet, dark, place somewhere, sitting there waiting to prove me right time after time, yet this is part of the vicious cycle of self -defeatism, it is not proving me right, but proving me wrong. For, it is denying me a healthier & happier existence.

  The battle is over now, if ever there was one. I do not need to be defensiveness any more. The battle was all in my head. That is not to say that I did`nt really think there was one going on at the time. I was struggling against a more formidable force than I could handle. Everyone was a threat, so I thought, so they actually became one, compounding my own sense of inferiority. Unwittingly, I was aligning myself with horrible people, & not feeling able enough to actually communicate with decent people. That were dysfunctional, challenged socially. I would go out of my way to seek those types, because I felt a kin with them. An ex of mine did exactly the same thing just before we split, she threw herself into an environment that bred dysfunctional, aggressive types, for a number of years, after we split, just because she felt like shit in herself. I hope that, like me, she has come away from that now, & has her life under control again. I suppose, as I write today, that we were very similar people, her & I. Perhaps, we needed to lower ourselves, to a primitive state, so that we could rebuild ourselves, alchemically, & on our terms, just as Jung talks about. We need to do this if we are to succeed in integrating all aspects of our personality, & finding wholeness again. This way we can begin to move away from inner pain, & the trauma it causes to our lives.

 For many years I did not look inside, for a long time I was viewing things as a narcissistic. I simply could not bring myself to detach myself from my own perspective. I was not able to see that perhaps that person was not an attachment of my own personality. Perhaps they were individual, but worried about my projection of anger onto them. My confidence needed adjusting, for somewhere I had got lost & could not see the wood for the trees. Perhaps that man looking at me every day, that I imagine is jealous of me really would like to talk to me, ask my advice on a matter, discuss something that he has noticed in me that I never knew existed ? The positive aspect of all these scenarios was always overlooked by me, covered up with defensiveness. Projecting my own feelings of self loathing became a habit, probably by spending too long alone, & today I have noticed this awful truth. Hopefully, now, by applying these principles, that I have discussed this afternoon, I begin making a new start in my life. Perhaps now, like many others who have found peace in themselves, I can begin life again. Start fresh with this new transformation that is taking place in me.

She Just Grew Tired Of Thinking About It

 This morning my friend Manny suggested that I begin writing a blog. He is the second friend of mine to of suggested this, in less than a week. And, although I only received the suggestion, from the first friend, Sunday, I began my first ever blog, Monday. I thought that I would try the waters, see what kind of a response I would receive, if at all, by writing a few thoughts on how I view things. I chose Love. I chose love, because I have been running away from it for so long because I have been afraid to accept it into in my life.

 Love, or rather honesty, & authenticity, is really as real as it get`s. Do we run away from it because we are scared, or is it because we simply do not have the confidence to face up to loving ourselves enough ? Are we good enough to love ourselves ? Now, I am not talking about the type of narcissistic nonsense that every teenager, naturally goes through, &, unfortunately, too many adults who are continue to function on some basic level that denies them the potential to do anything honestly. I am discussing here a genuine, honest, even painful, appreciation of oneself that eventually becomes bountiful enough to attract in someone. Not the all-singing, all dancing, fanfare of  a fairy tale prince, or princess, but a physical representation of ones soul. The shimmering comfortable manifestation of a genuine love that is represented in a person that you have never met, but, yet, they feels so real, right, & you cannot pin-point why. This is the type of love that I am discussing today, here.

 I have not met such a person, yet, but I am aware that she exists. I am aware of this persons presence entering my life. For far too long, due to other issues, I did not believe in myself, or have respect for myself, nor confidence. I simply could not believe enough in myself to function above a basic capacity, so I rejected, humiliated, & hurt others, all because a person would show me kindness, sensitivity. Naturally, then anger would set in with the other person, then I would, we, would suffer rejection, completing the cycle of non-advancement, & denial. I stayed lonely, shut away in my ivory tower for years.

 Today it feels right to function on much higher, more refined platform today. Love is an extremely important dynamic in ones life, but it can only be embraced when it needs, or wants to. A friend suggested to me at the time that my life alone was not perfection, but progression, I appreciated this analogy so much. When he offered me his words of encouragement it really summed up my narcissistic behaviour toward myself. All I was doing was covering up fear because I was too afraid to open myself up to the world & say "I am no longer afraid".

 Buddha said; that what ones puts out to the world, he will surely have return to him. I believe that it is imperative to take time out & dedicate oneself to cleaning out one`s issues, one`s emotional mess. This mess harms us, it stops us from attracting in all that is correct & beneficial to us, that obstructs a soul mate entering our lives. It blocks us from becoming aligned with our sub-conscious, that is the surest deliverer of success. This blocking of obstructing ones soul mate in is not always one way, it can come from both sides of the coin. The other can also block you from materialising in their life, they may not be ready for you, but this should not stop you from feeling happy. If you are unhappy because they are not there then I do not think that you are seeking your soul mate, but just someone that will bring romanticism into a boring, or sad life. For, it may not be the right time, universally for them to meet you; their correct person, simply because you have not arrived at a state of maturity to embrace such honesty with another ? Not doing ones alchemy prolongs the benefits of being the best you can be, it also stops `them` from entering your life. But it also stops so much more; materialism, a nice environment to live in, sex, happiness. Much more then just them, much more all round. If I am not happy with myself, how will she be happy with me ? If my home is not all it could be, how will she enjoy, & feel comfortable, there too ? If my friends leave a lot to be desired then she will not desire to spend time with them. It is simple, but we complicate our lives so much with peer pressure, issues, finances, materialism, but these are all figures if denial, when they are desired alone. All these things combined do not give the pleasure that genuine love with one`s soul partner will give. Those things give a comfortable life that should be every persons right, but they should also just be by-product. Nothing can give the pleasure of being in genuine love with ones soul mate.

 Perhaps, as I am writing this today, that I have come to as stage in my life where there is a genuine space for another to enter & to feel safe in, real enough that we can both express ourselves ? I cannot answer that honestly, but I do feel qualified enough to say to anyone out there that is lonely; you do not have to feel this way, if you do not want too. There are others, like myself, out there, that have been through pain & could not find the confidence to open up to love again, so stayed in a box, under the stairs, suffering. Watch your dreams, listen to the voices that speak to you sincerely, that are there, all the time, trying to make a connection with you. They exist. Just listen

 Tell me about that dream that`s on your mind you had the other night, lets talk, honestly, & at last.

Some Feelings On Love & Communication. Alchemy

 Today is a very important day for me. It represents the start of  a new phase in my life, my confidence, & my alchemy.

 As a man who has been monitoring the emotional progression of his personal development, for a few years now, I have recently felt something very significant taking place; I have become authentic. Each of us have triggers that enable us to start a new growth spurt in our emotional growth, much the same way a teenager during physical growth. A profound levitation from one emotional phase to another took place last weekend.

 I had received a highly sought after Jazz album in the post, dating from the 1960s, that I had bought online. After playing it I realised that something rather profound had happened to me. I was actually feeling, on a much higher level than I had ever before, what the musician was putting across. It was gorgeous, ethereal, really out there, spiritual even. I was completely knocked out. After remaining within this highly elevated state for sometime I began to meditate on communication. Then what really hit me, what really shone through, was a lack of communication with other people. I realised at that moment that I had never been able to really express myself until now. Not through ignorance, but confidence. I had, all my life, not felt certain enough of myself to say the things that I really wanted to. I am not discussing idiocy, or immature nonsense, but honesty. The musician was channelling his authenticity, his honesty, to me, & I heard it. I got it. I knew what the point was, all in that one moment; maturity.

 As a man of music & art, feelings, I knew that I had stumbled upon something great within myself. That I had begun to sense what it is like to be a man. I realised that the music was transmogrifying within me, & allowing me glimpses of my own gold. I thought, the density is thinning now, & I must be progressing at last. Even this morning, allowing myself to open a blog, & reach out to others to communicate with, screamed liberation.

 Before I would become frustrated at my lack of progress, deny myself the beauty of realisation, & project my anger outwards, onto those I would see as weak & deranged. So harmful, immature, & hurtful to others who know little, if anything, of what is happening to them, when another projects there anger onto them. My confidence was too small to allow me to see how detached & childish I had become within myself. Having this epiphany through music was so typical of the patterns & cycles my life has taken. An ever growing support mechanism within my life. A citadel for me, ever since I was a boy. Music consistently provided me with comfort. Always been there for me whenever I needed it, plying me with protection, warmth, & as I got older, security.

 Growing up in Surrey, was a rather lonely place for me. I would take comfort within my isolation, which reinforced my aloneness, eventually culminating in a massive lack of confidence. Naturally, due to this, I grew up alone & with a feeling of lack. I also grew up frightened, never finding the gumption to seize vitality, or even fun. Music became my bedrock. There were other interests too, such as literature, art, & other cultures, but musical sounds was the thing for me. It was these sounds that gave me an inspiration to write, so as to be able to communicate with others, but, sadly, I never found the confidence to to do this just in case I ridiculed.  Perhaps because of the silence that resonated from my parents, & their complete lack of support of anything that would secure an exciting future, I too cut myself off from life-force, & hid away ?

 Being heralded off to the wilds of deepest Surrey, at the tender age of 12, from an established environment, with a complete fully functioning social infrastructure, did not help much either. The stupidity of taking a child away from a productive & nurturing environment is not only overwhelming in it`s ignorance, but it also shows a complete lack of respect, or understand, for the plight of children, & their vulnerabilities. Not being able to empathise with the anxiety that will be caused by upheaval, is bordering on criminal. This I believe has been the cause of a whole host of other emotional difficulties I experienced growing up, that did indeed show themselves long into my adulthood.

 What I have learned recently is that I really do have a voice, & it is imperative for my well-being that I begin verbalising with others. It has taken time to find confidence, to continue my journey of alchemy, & to begin feeling strong again. There have been times when I have wondered if it is all really worth it. But today, here with my blog, speaking with you, I think it is.

 For, depression is, not only an unhelpful word, it is also another term for loneliness. It is also the frustration of  not allowing authenticity to percolate through. It could be the density of unrefined emotions which neuter out love & sensitivity toward ourselves, that frighten us, & cause us to shut down & hide away from others.

 I, myself, went through a massive campaign of self-destruction. Not communicating with others honestly was something that I embraced with great gusto. For a long time I promoted the effects of loneliness, praising the ascetic life, & looking down my nose at anyone who was happy. I would get awfully constrictive & self-righteous with others, cutting them off, especially if someone showed me respect, or even, any type of interest. However, it never occurred to me that perhaps all I was doing was cutting myself off from others & compounding my own sense of isolation & helplessness, suffering alone, & in denial. Too afraid to ask for help.

 The epiphany that began my blog this morning is resonating with greater & greater clarity. Many wonderful things are beginning to manifest, & there is magic in the air again. Mystical vibrations are shimmering. They have not always been noticed, & when they were, they were rejected outright as silly psychic nonsense, but now my love of all that is illogical, flowing, is gaining momentum. My stature is growing, & I am feeling like a citadel within my masculinity, strong, quiet, able, & with enough self-respect that allows space for others to join me. Just opening up a blog,& speaking to you today, is enlivening me, infusing in me an intensity never experienced before. Inviting you to communicate, talk with me, is an immense leap forward for my self-confidence, & I thank you.

 Thank you for reading