The weekends weather was amazing here in London. I decided, as I am just beginning to adjust to being without employment, to go into Soho, just to have a wander around, & perhaps pick up a record & grab a bite in Govindas. Whilst there I began to think about how free I actually am now. How much I have dealt with.
For a long time now I have been in some conflict over my ability to survive without consistent employment. Feeling guilty about not having regular things to do like everyone else did cause me much consternation. Naturally, I have always worked, but sporadically. Where I felt that I had so much emotional integration to do, & always have felt this, I decided that I would do that instead, make that my day-to-day profession. What I did not bank on was the immense emotional trauma that this would cause to me. I was actually harming myself more before the `work` actually begun to the trip through it. Jung spoke of making the correct choice when deciding upon transformation. For it will cause a person such intense change that many adherents to it do not survive. I have been glad that Jung was always there if I needed his sage. So the one thing that always nagged & pulled at me was this issue of not having fellowship & gainful employment. Employment where someone else paid all my taxes, gave me a holiday once a year, & took care of me. Where I could rectify all the financial problems I had caused my self over the years. In short, a father is what I was looking for. Going to work was for me at one stage representing fatherly protection. Yet, I could not do it, or perhaps, not wanting to, actually. I never liked my father much, so I did not want to look for a career, just keep myself alive while I worked upon myself, was all I wanted to do. However there was a time a couple of years ago when I had a complete breakdown & found myself having to go to the state for help, which really affected my confidence. I found it very difficult to get off the cycle, & found everything inaccessible. The job I had always done, was not to be relied upon, & my irregular employer was so famous & so wealthy that I feared that he would not give my predicament any more thought than one would a beggar on the street. So when he did eventually call me I would become so elated that I kept myself in a vicious cycle of irregular semi-employment, as the call would only happen once a year, twice if I was lucky. This was so unhealthy for me. Not the work, of course, or him, but the lack of work in between his employment. This put me into such a damaging place that it affected my mental state, keeping me locked into a bad place of under-working. This is as damaging as over-working.
Yes, today, I can see the progression that I have made in this area of my life. In fact, as I sit here writing, looking out at the sun, the radio plays a song that was so indicative of how I was feeling three years ago; Don Adams - Rest My Soul. This wonderful soul, track from 1969, is just about as close as I can get to describing too you just how much pain my ignorance was causing me. I was in deep fear & angst that affected my ability to make quality decisions. I did not know which way to turn. I would go to my mothers, after hours of wandering around a local shopping area, thinking I was someone that I was not. Looking back I can see just how lost & frightened I really was. I remember one particularly trying, cold, wet afternoon there; I had decided that I would prolong my stay there, not wanting to face coming home, & go over to visit my mother. When I got there, I began to tell her how I was feeling, then that I just broke down crying. I simply could not stand what I was going through. So badly did I craved normality, change. Yet deep inside me, all the while, knowing I was going through an immense cleansing of all my issues, that were if left going to cause far deeper problems than anything I was presently experiencing. I was transforming, but experiencing the pain of emotional upheaval, at it`s worst & there was nothing I could do but accept it.
There have been many times over the years when I have gone through similar experiences, but for some reason, this one stuck out. I was very disturbed at the time, yet never took medication, only therapy. I think being turned down, for the first time, in my chosen career, left a big wound. I must be honest, that rejection may well of been what I was going through at that stage, as I was a year into not talking with my father. I remember being bitterly upset that he had not really tried to maintain a relationship with me. He just left me alone. What I think I was trying to achieve was to extract attention from him & evoke a response, but nothing ever came forth. He did once contact me, a few months after we had stopped talking, on my birthday, but it was close to me instigating the break that I did not want to talk with him.. Since then he has not bothered. This had begun to bite deep, & was taking up too much of my thinking space.
Unlike today where I have many friends & healthy pastimes, based around my home & natural progression. Now I like to reflect upon these, not so long ago days, & compare them with who I have become today. Things feel positive & worthwhile now.
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