After what has happened to me at work, for reasons unbeknown to me at the time, I began to feel really uncomfortable. So I decided to contact my superior to ask him why I had not been asked to return . He told me that he was under the impression that I had left, after what had happened the week before when the incidents concerning my colleague assaulting a minor & then the main manager out me asking me to assist another venue because they had not paid for enough decent security to take the brunt of a violent night.
My colleague told my manager, that due to a text I sent him on the Friday, explaining that I did not feel like returning to work, he under the impression that I had gone. I took responsibility for the text & said that due to me being upset at those two, he should let me know what I am to do. My boss told me he did not need me in this bank holiday, but as long as I sat down with my colleague he would be happy to have me return to duties the following week. As I had already contacted my colleague over the same matter, I awaited his reply. I have known for sometime that a natural ending was materialising, but this felt like unfinished business, & I needed to find closure before I could move on & begin feeling good again. This was an important discovery for me; needing to find closure of an issue before I could move on again. Now I can see why I have become so stuck over the years, blaming everyone else for my lack of movement. Wish I had had that level of awareness years ago. This issue about letting the past go has been repeating itself until I finally got it today, which is I am writing my blog about it today.
So I told my colleague, after he explained to me that I needed to speak to my wage payer for hours, that I needed to speak to nobody as I had done nothing wrong at all, & this empowered me. It empowered me because, not only was it right, but because I was, at last, feeling in control of myself, not just in the company of lightweights, like this lot who are not in my emotional or intellectual capacity. I emailed the manager this morning, after sleeping on it, & explained that, once again, it was not me that assaulted a child, nor do I have an over-inflated opinion of myself that puts others at risk. I went on to say that I will not be taking his advice either, as it is not good enough, & that it`s misplaced. Sadly, my email was not reciprocated, as I had much more to say, so I left it at that. I am looking forward to whatever comes of the email that I sent complaining about all this to head office, as these two do not know of that one.
Anyhow, all this is not that important, but what is relevant here, & it is a big issue, that has held me back over these last few years, is that if I associate with a particular energy then that vibration will come back to me. From what I can ascertain, it is the same as being in bad relationship. If I am not happy with something, someone, anything at all, & I ponder upon it, then this vibe will keep attaching itself too me, & I will repeat the cycle. For example; I have met someone that I like, so I have thought about her, & feel that she would like me to be patient with her, as it is all I have at the moment, I shall go with it. But before I would never of bothered with such feelings writing them off as ridiculous. My impatience would not of allowed such feminine nonsense to manifest in me & cause ridicule. Yet, I was the fool because nobody was laughing at me. And it was this parochial attitude that ended up causing me such misery. It was this fear that stopped me finding love, a career, & happiness. I think that I have, at last, licked it. Let me try & explain this epiphany.
As a young man, I tend to beat myself up over not knowing myself as much as I want too, or so my previous Therapist used to say. However, it is true, & yet, I have only realised this today, & he mentioned that 6 years ago. You see, having studied Buddhism, & Eastern philosophy, not too mention Psychoanalysis, as a student & for so long, I feel strongly that I should know all this, but it seems that I do not, & this is what has held me back. It has not been exactly ignorance, but more a lack of self-awareness, that has caused me much angst. It has probably got more to do with impatience than most other issues, I hasten to add.
The conclusion that I have come to is that if I need a certain type of mental space to move forward in a particular direction, then issues that are blocking that direction will have to be worked through ? This will then allow a new dynamic to enter my lifestyle. The problem here is that, depending on how big the issue/obstruction is will depend on how big the transformation will be. Either way I will have to adapt to whatever adapting needs to take place. Then eventually the physical changes will take place & allow the new structure building in me to take place. Once this old issue has been worked through, it can then be given up, & the new space will begin to house a new dynamic manifesting inside of me working up the new mental solutions, which then take over, allowing the brand new structure to solidify. This then in the penultimate that paves the way for the physical manifestation of ones end result. That is my theory at the moment.
This must be what Alchemy is ?
Now this is important, as it is what I have been seeking all my life; the secret of how to be successful. Simply put, the more I refine myself, the more refinement will attract itself too me, & thereby attracting in a whole new, healthier cycle. Obstructions will naturally repel at the sight of me, & quality people & things will groove with me. This understanding of how we raise our cycles is impressive, for there is no such thing as a free lunch, quality comes at a price, & demands to be paid for. In whatever currency is irrelevant; blood, sweat, or tears, no matter, as long as one pays, one will rid themselves of rubbish & maintain healthy standards. This philosophy will stop further complications & unresolved issues, ruining my life. This can then allow in progress where I can move forward & burn out old habits surrounding insecurities, & self-belief. It is these terrible afflictions that have done so much damage to me. But, all along, it has been this pain pushing me to find enlightenment & see that it is has been just an illusion all along.
In fact, one could apply it too ones very own existence, I suppose ? The reason we are here, but I will leave that for another blog. Although, I am very happy to discuss this with anyone, should they want to talk to me about it.
In all honesty, Buddhism, or not, I feel that my own need, or Sub-Conscious mind, has been pushing me to confront my issues all along. It has taking me to this particular job to teach me just how advanced I am. All the attributes one needs to be an excellent operative in my chosen career path I have been learning on this job, not too mention what I already knew. I have learnt, when functioning as part of a team, how important it is too be aware of others, how to empathise appropriately & also how to handle work related issues. Not too mention my confidence, communication skills, responsibility, & resilience. All the skills that I needed some time ago, but simply did not possess. Now that I have them I can enhance them, but in a more professional environment that will better for my success rate than the last. This is progression.
I wanted to achieve a goal. I tried, but kept failing, & never did I step away from it. Even though it hurt me so much. I cried with agony, with pain, & with fear, but never did I come away from it. Like the Buddha, every hurdle seemed to be thrown at me, & sometimes they really halted me, sometimes they actually humiliated me, & tried to degrade me, but walking away was never an option. In fact, it never entered my head. There were times when I thought that I had walked away from it, left it, but it just kept coming right back at me. I even found myself behaving as one would expect this profession to behave like, & applying the principles of this profession to my own job role. Yet, all the while not realising that I was burning through those issues that had once held me back from realising my dream earlier. I was learning, & applying those lessons to enhance my knowledge, so that I would become my profession as soon as I could. My gym work, my writing skills, knowledge within that field, are all accumulating & gaining in momentum. pushing me closer to my dream. Which is why it so important too stay attached to winning, & allowing in all that is associated with winners.
Now this job is finally over the weight has lifted from me. The weight of issues that held me back from my dream are gone & a new structure is beginning to solidify in place of the old one that held me back. I can walk away from this now because I know that I have learnt what I need to carry me into the next realm of clearing the path for my role that I am making happen. I did not realise how close I was too my dream career until I began discussing it with you. Like, really close.
One day, I expect the career I am materialising will become an issue that I will have to burn through, but, until that day, I will keep on striving & remaining focused as hell, until I get what I want, my career.
Thanks for reading my blog
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