While I was sitting here today in my lounge I began to experience an immense sensation of tiredness overcome me. Naturally, I fell asleep. I fell into a profound deadening sleep. When I awoke I became frustrated that I had fallen asleep in the middle of the afternoon, as though I were some old man. I then began to feel anger. I continued to monitor this anger, becoming constricted with an obstruction in my chest. What on earth was going on ? Before it was easy to understand such a sensation; other people. I could easily write off all sorts of aches & pains, tiredness, profound feelings, & project onto other people, as though it were some kind of Freudian transference. Perhaps it was, sometimes ? Yet, never considering whether it was me. Perhaps it was an issue trying to raise itself in me so that I could be rid of it & move on.
My sleep has, & still is, disturbing me. I had a pleasant enough morning, no problems, until I was walking back from the gym, & then begun to notice a couple of people I do not particularly like. I felt myself projecting this anger onto them, so as to feel better. I felt myself become defensive near them, as though I would need to fight them to protect myself. Like the chap I saw he other day staring at me, then drive very fast past me. He upset me & I felt very uncomfortable near him. I experienced hostility emanating from him, just as I have felt sexual feelings coming from a person towards me in the gym. Some people, I think, have more demanding needs than others. Sometimes these needier types in society will try to reach out in their own, perhaps, dysfunctional way. But, why should it make a difference in my life ? Narcissism is the answer. The emptiness in my life that has always been there, gnawing away at me, leaving me oddly unsatisfied. There is not a person in my life that can make me feel anything, unless, one I choose for them to make me feel anything. Just like the man who wants to have sex with his partner when his partner does not want to. He could try to arouse the other person, but, if the other person does not want to have sex with him, then arousal will not be for long for too long, for it needs an environment of mutual expression to maintain mutual satisfaction. It needs two willing people to maintain a level of intimacy needed for that particular environment. The same principle counts if I see someone who I think is projecting onto me, the minute that I become disturbed & react by the transference, I begin to feed that projection. I am then feeding the stereotype of the projection. Why do we need to react to another persons feeling s laid on us? It is not nice of course, but to answer this misses the point because it boils down to us. Our emptiness, our longing to feel satisfied, stops us from feeling happiness, love, self-love, & we look for outlets to dismiss these feelings of emptiness.
I, myself, have needed so much, & this has caused my own narcissistic wound to stop me from finding the ability to love myself, & ultimately own my stuff. Where I have needed so much attention just to make me feel good, I have looked to fight, argue, & frighten others away from me. I have forgotten how great I once was. I forgot to believe in just being little old me. I never believed that I could feel good just being normal. I always thought because I felt different I was, when really it was because I never wanted to admit that I was depressed, alone, & in pain. I neglected myself, & my mind would not work to too much purpose. My mother would say, "I am happy when you are happy "; unhelpful, & although she never thought she was lacking in support, her attitude was unhelpful. Growing up I never felt vital or encouraged to do anything much, I was just left alone for too long. Naturally I grew up defensive, betrayed, & alone. Just me fighting the world, blaming others before anything ever happened.
So comparing all this with what happened today, with my anger, & then falling sleep, it is not hard to see why I have been attracting a defensive stance toward me. It`s own anger, buried deep away, showing itself when I get defensive. Defensiveness, then anger, spiralling out after being trapped inside by suppression, then like a great damn, but more refined than before, it blows out, & onto the recipient, who naturally reacts in a defensive posture because he is being projected onto by me. It comes from some quiet, dark, place somewhere, sitting there waiting to prove me right time after time, yet this is part of the vicious cycle of self -defeatism, it is not proving me right, but proving me wrong. For, it is denying me a healthier & happier existence.
The battle is over now, if ever there was one. I do not need to be defensiveness any more. The battle was all in my head. That is not to say that I did`nt really think there was one going on at the time. I was struggling against a more formidable force than I could handle. Everyone was a threat, so I thought, so they actually became one, compounding my own sense of inferiority. Unwittingly, I was aligning myself with horrible people, & not feeling able enough to actually communicate with decent people. That were dysfunctional, challenged socially. I would go out of my way to seek those types, because I felt a kin with them. An ex of mine did exactly the same thing just before we split, she threw herself into an environment that bred dysfunctional, aggressive types, for a number of years, after we split, just because she felt like shit in herself. I hope that, like me, she has come away from that now, & has her life under control again. I suppose, as I write today, that we were very similar people, her & I. Perhaps, we needed to lower ourselves, to a primitive state, so that we could rebuild ourselves, alchemically, & on our terms, just as Jung talks about. We need to do this if we are to succeed in integrating all aspects of our personality, & finding wholeness again. This way we can begin to move away from inner pain, & the trauma it causes to our lives.
For many years I did not look inside, for a long time I was viewing things as a narcissistic. I simply could not bring myself to detach myself from my own perspective. I was not able to see that perhaps that person was not an attachment of my own personality. Perhaps they were individual, but worried about my projection of anger onto them. My confidence needed adjusting, for somewhere I had got lost & could not see the wood for the trees. Perhaps that man looking at me every day, that I imagine is jealous of me really would like to talk to me, ask my advice on a matter, discuss something that he has noticed in me that I never knew existed ? The positive aspect of all these scenarios was always overlooked by me, covered up with defensiveness. Projecting my own feelings of self loathing became a habit, probably by spending too long alone, & today I have noticed this awful truth. Hopefully, now, by applying these principles, that I have discussed this afternoon, I begin making a new start in my life. Perhaps now, like many others who have found peace in themselves, I can begin life again. Start fresh with this new transformation that is taking place in me.
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