OWNERSHIP. TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. CLEANING UP.

 Taking ownership.

 'I had to stop presenting myself as a blank canvass to others. I was allowing people to paint their fantasies on to me so that when I finally let them know what I was like...I was already in too deep for the extrication to be painless'.

 How does one take ownership, or more poignantly, how do I take ownership of my life ?

 It`s not been so easy to take ownership of anything that I have done, good or bad. But as I was reading on-line this morning, about personal ownership, I became intrigued by a blog on taking back one`s life. It got me thinking.

 Everywhere I go I see a lack of responsibility. A lack of others taking ownership of themselves. As though immaturity is the really the only sensible option for one to take when dealing with others in the world. People all over the place, behaving as though they are still children. Whether it is lying, behaving selfishly, or just not having the capacity to look after themselves effectively. This can be as much in arrogance, as in not having enough money to feed yourself, or holding onto finances & failing to give or share with others. All fine examples of a lack of personal responsibility, & failing to take ownership of oneself. Without this ownership one cannot be fully in the world.

 As a student I remember reading Carl Rodgers, & how much he emphasised the importance of ownership of ones emotions. The sheer scale of destruction that derives from not taking full responsibility is enormous. It hinders one from maintaining levels of success, fulfilment, & unconditional love.

 On a personal journey of self-exploration, it is wise to see this stage as the last of the big issues that will hold us back. I say this because it simply takes so much courage to look that much further inside & take responsibility for the immaturity that has robbed us of so much previous success. My life today is, whether I like it or not, is a complete manifestation of my life-style choices so far. The reason that I am writing this today is so that tomorrow will be different, literally. In fact, the reason that I have dedicated my life to self improvement, so far, is because I have always known that I wanted more from myself. Not having much direction as I grew up, I sort of relied upon others for stimulation, but when I did put my mind to achieving something I always was able to do so to a very high degree. All I have wanted to do these last 13 years was get through the trauma of losing someone so very close, & in such horrific circumstances. Through this initial trauma, a path of deep exploration has opened up in me this desire to be the best that I can be.

 Ownership & personal responsibility has been the deepest of these issues that I have needed to get to so as to bring about the death of the past issues, that have held me in fear, & embrace the success that I now need to enable me to live the next stage of my life with satisfaction. For I see so many people that simply run from being honest with themselves. Telling lies & covering up, just to keep me away from their true, ashamed self.

 The courage needed for transformation to take place is profound. One does not start being honest with themselves without a profound situation having taken place. A challenge, you might call it, or some shitty experience, that does not kill you. Its these challenges that turns some into liars, which helps them remain in denial. Not facing the full responsibility needed to lead a healthy, mature life is what this type seeks. Mine was a work-related situation, that pushed me into digging deeper to bring about the inner resources needed to be better, more successful human being. I knew inside of me somewhere I deserved better than what I had.

 The Shadow, or the junk room that holds all our raw, & unresolved issues suppressed, will always come up when it`s time to take full & honest responsibility for ourselves. The Shadow will hold you back from progression. The Shadow, the unrefined, the unprocessed, all the baggage one carries around that seems just to painful to work out, usually is, but it is every single persons responsibility to resolve it & clean it up, not only for the sake of everyone else, but also for ourselves.

 Sometimes taking responsibility for the good can be just as difficult as the bad. I enjoy writing. It relieves me, enables me to feel successful within. As though I have achieved something worthwhile when I complete a blog, yet I hold myself back from writing more often than I should. I get heavy, fall asleep, & fail to take ownership of the desire to improve my mood. This a small example of a far bigger problem that I have been up against over the last few years. It has been disconcerting, this old, old wound where I have failed to take responsibility for myself effectively. I have many new starts beginning in my life, yet I have an issue that does not want me to do so well, but stay in the status quo. I need to be free of this & to bring about favourable conditions that will allow me to begin manifesting these objectives to fruition, it is now imperative that I get to the bottom of this issue, so I can see why I have always done this to myself. At the root of the damage has been a self-sabotage, that has comes out of a lack of not having the self belief to carry through to completion my objectives. Owning up to the problem enables me to see where I have gone wrong, & how I can improve my situation. It`s taken me a long time to of arrived at this stage, & I feel proud that I`m getting somewhere. Honesty is integral for the success I need now, so I can put to bed the pain of covering myself up. It`s nobody else`s fault that I have been unable to start my career, nor to of met my Soul mate yet, my issues have been to formidable, & have got in my way of progression. It`s nobody else`s fault that I have been unable to see that what I have chosen to do with my life is dedicate it to clearing out a my issues. The conflict & the lethargy of doing any quicker has been the thing that has held me back, & now I am taking full responsibility, & moving away from any more covering up.

 Blaming others is a great expression of how not to take responsibility for ones failings, & I became a past master in the art of this nonsense. For as long as I can remember I have been blaming my parents, & anyone else who would get into my firing range, for my own shortcomings. The amount of times that I have compromised my own integrity by saying or doing daft, reckless things is phenomenal. When I think back I simply cannot believe that I could of been so undisciplined as to of made myself vulnerable to harm. It`s naivety really.

 Personal ownership is actually the last stage on the path to success. Why ? Because it is the hardest, most trying aspect to all personal discovery, & takes the most amount of courage, as it is the honesty when looking at ourselves that will determine how successful we eventually become.

 You would not loan your new car to someone that has a track record of smashing them up, would you ? Or steal an item from a shop just as your preparing to begin a career in law ? So why would you not learn to take full responsibility for yourself & the sake of your future success ? Yet, we don`t do this, & fail to invest a level of honesty within ourselves that will ensure a happy, satisfying life. By looking deeper inside I can see  that I have been afraid of myself. Nobody will laugh at me, ridicule me, or kill me for being honest, for it is the dynamic of success. It is the lying that keeps us away from being completely in the world.

 Finding the balance between personal responsibility & embracing better quality is paramount to the success I crave. I cannot shut myself off through fear of attracting in negativity. This is not progressive, it`s the fear of living; the fear of being overwhelmed by another person, problems, or challenges, & does little to resolve the  problem of why we don`t have the success we crave.

 Due to a lack of personal ownership I have caused myself problems in the past. These have been serious, & to rectify this I have stayed away from interacting in the world, living like some hermit, because I have feared worsening the problems. This has entrenched my isolation & perceived fear, keeping me detached & aloof. This is not a solution it is as much a problem as being unconscious.

 Attempting to resolve my issues around personal responsibility & ownership should now begin releasing suppression, & converting that into the progression that I have been seeking for so long.

FRIENDS.

 When do we cease being friends with a person & treating them as our work colleague ?

 This a question I have been asking myself recently.

  I hurt my friend last week by expressing my negative feelings for a person he cares for. It was not my intention to hurt him, nor enrage him either, but I did. My friend told me off, subtly. He took it personally, & I told him that I thought he was in the wrong for berating me, defending his friend against me. I told him that I would not be obstructed from expressing myself freely by whoever, including him.

 The problem was that I had worked under his friend, & he frankly treated me poorly, & because of his poor attitude I decided to leave my temporary job early. My friend had known him for a number of years, & so when he asked me to join him for this New Years Eve bash in London, I accepted. It was then he told me that the other chap would be there too. After deliberating the situation over the following couple of days, I decided to bail out. I didn`t mind so much as I had another party to attend anyway, but the problem arose when I text my friend & told him the reason that I would not be attending was that I had `utter disdain ` for his friend, who would be there. My friend text me back saying that he really could not see the point as to why I had to be so descriptive over him. After all, he said " you know he is a friend of mine ". I told him that I could express myself anyway that I pleased, & always show awareness to others. It`s just that this particular person I do indeed have `utter disdain` for & wanted to express myself to my friend so that he would be sure of my feelings. After all he did not think that it would be a problem as he asked me to the bash knowing the chap would be there. What it really brought up though was issues surrounding communication with my father.

 As I have matured I have been able to come to terms with how my father treated me. My home was not a beacon of honesty & love. My dad was not an honest person, & was extremely arrogant & neglectful. For many years I had to work for him, & found it so difficult to forge my own path. Only the last couple of years have I realised the route that I really want to go in. Realising this has been extremely liberating. So when I was presented with a kind of telling off by my friend, I became rather defensive, & then ready to attack with reason, logic & rationality. Because I have been able to see that my father was not any of these things, & I am, I felt that it was a case of morality that I was defending. When actually what I was understanding was that I just need to understand that perhaps a little diplomacy, & not caution, was needed.

Although it is far from an old pattern. I have been able to see that I am actually the complete antithesis of my father, when once I thought that I was the same. And I have have had little interaction over the last few years with human warmth, I have failed to understand others feelings. I have become to rational & moralistic. This is an overwhelming realisation for me. I have grown & moulded myself into a beacon of rational, logical behaviours. Like the Police Officer who know`s no other way other than what he has been taught over years of indoctrination. The middle way is what is needed now. A re-alignment of the swing of the pendulum. I have now gone too far the opposite way to where I was once before.

 I crave to now be allowed to re-join my career armed with this knowledge. It can only do good & enable others to see the light.

 I always felt pressured at school with algebra, when my father was good at it. But there is not one reason why I should be bad at it at all, other than that it represented my own fear. It meant sabotage. Being a brilliant mathematician does not make a person a rationalist, just a good numbers man. It does show the potential to be a rationalist; but on it`s own, it means nothing of the sort. So I dedicated myself to being good enough within the art of algebra, & saw that it came easy after I taught myself how to look at the sums differently to how I used to see them. It worked.

 Today I can see that I have become a rational person, & enjoy being one too. I think that I have always been one, but simply was not given the opportunity to be myself whilst under his guidance as a child. If one is constantly anxious, inferior then there is little scope to find the confidence to be a rationalist, for it emanates from the benefits of solidity, grounding, nurture & support.

  Over these last few years of dedication to my personal Alchemy I have grown into a rational person. I can see that now, & it`s helpful to know. The situation with my friend has shown me this. It`s pointed out that I am honest, & I speak as I see things from my own personal perspective. Of course, there is a time & a place for diplomacy, here I do not feel that it is needed, because in a friendship I want to feel & speak freely, not held up, or afraid to speak my mind. At work of course, it would be unwise to speak freely all the time, especially with where I am going. But in all industries it is wise to be contained as it is a completely different environment to being with friends, or lovers.

This has been an important realisation for me, & I am grateful to my friend for this unravelling of issue within me. Soon I will have to return to the work place, because I want to, & I think that it is beneficial to of resolved this issue of mine. Setting boundaries within relationships is incredibly important, & understanding that the workplace is an all together different environment, & not to be confused with one at home. This messed me up before, I am not going to allow unresolved issues around sabotage get in my way again. That`s for sure.