THE FEAR OF REACHING OUT TO OTHERS.

   I once continued to wait for my father to come. When he was there, when he turned up, everything was fun, then suddenly he was gone again, this kept me locked to the illusion that people would come, that others would help me, love me. Yet, what I was unable to grasp for a long time is that everyone else feels the same way as me. Everyone else is afraid to ask for the same things as I was.

  I continued waiting for people that were ambivalent & unable to make a commitment to me. These issues surrounding this fear or uncertainty as to what to do to make my make a mark in the world has been down to the incredible loneliness, & depression, that came from the combined effects upon me by my parents that I experienced as a child. Continually waiting for my father to turn up to take me somewhere, & then realising that he probably would not arrive, combined with the added disability of my mothers neurosis as an added influence upon me, I grew up without the conviction of a life full of passion. I grew up quiet, alone, & never really sure enough of anyone to believe in myself enough. My sense of self was very much tied up with others impressions of me. I relied heavily upon others for confirmation because I simply did not receive the relevant confirmation from those that I needed it from. A passive mother, & a dominant father, who was ambivalent & dismissive of me, & without the encouragement or support from either of them, I grew up afraid & unable to cope to much purpose in the world that I so wanted to be a part of. I would watch helplessly, without self-empowerment, as others got on with making a life for themselves. Then as I struggled my way through my twenties, my beloved brother was killed by a hit & run driver. Like an animal, he was tossed alongside the road, later to be found by a lady who lived outside the place where he was killed. Naturally, with the coping mechanism I had in place at 28 years of age, I did not cope, & went into full depression. Again, as my parents coping mechanisms were not effective, they too deteriorated. My father hid behind an even greater wall of narcissism, & my mother also stepped up her ante & found she had a voice.

 The times in my life that I did try to make a mark, some other more dominant person would come, like a school bully, & present me a challenge, that I would never step up to, & I would run off, dealing with the fall-out of these self-harming patterns later, in the safety of my own home. I would  then have to revert to a tried & tested, non-challenging path to tread because it was safe; whether that was a familiar job, a partner, or lack of money. As long as I knew it, everything would be fine, & the challenge, or the bully, would be over. I could count many times over the years when I have not pushed myself to function at a more optimum level, just so as not to have the challenge of standing up for myself in the face of perceived adversity. Oh, I could cope with the internal stuff, that seemed to be easy for me, it was coping in the outside world that I had issues with. Not even the outside world so much, but the lack of confidence at standing up for myself, should I be challenged, Like the man who goes out pretending to be someone else. He can become who he wants to be, but without the challenge of really being it. This person cannot handle any challenge to his sense of self, which is so weak & inauthentic.

So my theory of Karma, & how different it is to chains of events is very important to understand. Through outlining my own personal circumstances I can try to put across how my Karma has not really had anything to do with my behaviour. It has only been involved in, so far, the more solid, definite, structured events that I have had to contend with; the behaviour of my parents & the devastating loss of my brother. These two formidable sets of circumstances have led me to behave a certain way in the face of my life. Of course, it can be argued that I had no choice but to live according to my parents influences upon me, but the profound depth to which I went to maintain my parents influence upon me shows that I had the choice to drop whenever I wanted to. That is not Karma, but free will. The karma is having the parents & losing my brother.

 So here we can see that Karma is a system that is, by & large, out of our hands, while we are unaware of it. The moment we begin to understand it, then we can change it, if we desire. In fact, I would say that by becoming aware of ones Karma we will leave it behind & changes the outcome of our lives work. Change our destiny, if you will. My own personal destructive behaviour I have been able to work out by the space & the home that I live in. Again the home & the space is not Karma, but perhaps where I live is. It all depends just how in-depth you want to go with it. Losing my brother, in such horrific circumstances, was Karma. It was out of my hands, & anyone that knew him would tell you just how reckless he always seemed to be. This was his personal destiny, his Karma, that dictated the events of his existence. I chose to grieve the way that I did, according to my own in-built personal coping mechanism at that time. Again, my choice, my free-will.

 There is a subtle difference between Karma, what your previous destinies have built up for you in this life according to your behaviour & attitude, & our own free-will. At my age today, my late 30`s, I can see that my own coping mechanism were naive, & simply unable to cope with the two challenges in my life effectively enough.  But my free-will drove me to find a solution. My Karma caused me the problem of the two scenarios; my parents & the loss of my brother, but it was my own ability in the moment to cope that dictated my behaviour. I could of chosen to behave in any way I saw fit. In Japan, India, the East,  for example, a solemnity is thrown when someone passes over.

 By changing my behaviour, I have changed my life, so that I can cope better with challenges, & bring about the changes I know will happen. My Karma of my early life has been worked through & resolved. My personal issues pushed me to such an extreme that I was suffering at the hands of myself, & it has been the saboteur  in me doing it to myself because I was afraid of moving to the stage that I am today. My Karma now will present me with another transformational situations that will be in accordance with who I have become now.

 Peace

KARMA. THE GOLD OF THE SUN.

  There is certain something rising up inside of me, as though this thing needs to be heard. It began recently, but my inner senses tell me that it has been itching to break through ever since I began to suspect that my parents were filling me up with a kind of unnatural, in-congruency, that left me confused, angry, frustrated, that was against my intrinsic nature. The realisation that I have resolved, or at least, worked out, all the past behaviour & mistakes that I have made have had their roots in the imposed transferences by my parents. Perhaps going through the challenging stages of Nigredo, I can now relax & take refuge in the knowledge  that I have reached the level of Solutio. This is the cleansed stage of ones journey, when one can relax, & take pride in reaching some let up of the darkness of lead in the psyche. The stage where one knows that everything is ok, or soon will be. The place that most people do not make, or have already arrived at, due to their level of Karma.

  Carl Jung brought Solutio to modern society, & immersed it in public knowledge. It should be stated here that it was not originally Jung that spoke of Solutio, but Paracelsus, who spoke of it in terms of Alchemy. This he stated was the souls journey through the life of a man. How well he lived his life was how much work he could do retrieve the gold that lies hidden in the soul. The gold of course is the beauty of ones life, & achieving the life we want. The ultimate goal is to return to Godhead, which in accordance to a particular persons belief system, will determine how he sees Godhead. Sometimes it is transformational, as it is in my case. But this still the concept of transformation of the dark matter into the gold of your life. It is a far older process than even Paracelsus, & I believe it goes all the way back to the ancient Arabs of the desert, & the original study of the mysticism of the psyche. The East also spoke of Alchemy in the form of Buddhism, & meditation. This is where, it is said, the concept of Karma actually originated from, but once again one can see that there is still more evidence of Karma in Hindu scriptures, dating back 7000 years. The beauty of this is that it is really unknown where Alchemy originated from, & really does not matter either, because Alchemy, or whatever you choose to call it, is the striving for a better life. Perhaps modern Alchemy could be called Psychoanalysis ? In the 1960s maybe it was LSD. Either way, the point that I making here is not a history lesson on the foundations of Alchemy & mysticism in today`s world, their are many that can do a better job of that than I ever could, but that with the right amount of input, & dedication, one can bring about a change into their lives that is genuine & authentic. A change that will carry them through their life, & make it one of success & satisfaction. The reason that I have chose to dedicate, certainly a large part of my life to self-improvement is because, simply put, I am worth it. I wanted change to take place, so I made it happen.It took courage & time. There was a depression, a serious consideration of suicide, loss of my brother, & then the loss of my mind. So was this Karma, Alchemy, or just stupidity, that allowed me to make such a decision  ? It was all of them. A symphony of all three, but above all, it was the desire to will a better life for myself. One that was dignified, authentic, & successful. I went away & did my homework.

  Karma, is not the law of cause & effect, which is a set of circumstances that appear in our life as fate, & are put there by ourselves according to the decisions that we make in each moment. There is a thin line distinguishing Karma from self-fulfilling patterns of behaviour. When one goes on about bad progress, or endless negative relationships, addictions & all kinds of horrid situations that keep one held back from progression, the cause of all this is self-sabotage. More associated with low self-esteem & poverty of mind. The ever increasing cycles of self-fulfilling prophecy, & never Karma. Karma is a word that helps us to understand the difference between these cycles of self-flagellation that we put ourselves through, & our destiny. The two, I don`t think are related, but the paradox is that one needs the self sabotage to happen so as to understand ones personal Karma. I shall endeavour to explain, as I see it, according to my own research in personal Alchemy. Perhaps it will assist you ?

 The external challenges that I have had to contend with so far have been out of my hands. Now this could be seen to be Karma. Lesser foibles, & bad decision that I have taken have been caused due to my state of mind at that particular time. These decisions have then gone onto to transform my life, one way or another. So this can hardly be called Karma. The process of self-transformation is not Karma, it is exactly that, personal transformation. Karma in this guise would be a kind of personal or spiritual structure that suggests a closer link to our intrinsic nature. Karma is not cause & effect, that is either good, or bad judgement, being exercised in the moment. Karma is deeper, & more entwined with who we really are. Our decision making is subjective, based on how we feel in the moment. It is based upon discretion, & not our spirituality. I am inclined to believe that personal Karma is the theme that runs through our lives from the moment of conception, right up until death, & not just a template of previous actions that have built up during previous incarnations.

 As I look back over my life so far, I can see that fundamental life-style choices, decisions, & investments, that I made at the time did end up causing me some serious problems, that have nothing to do with Karma, but my own weakness of mind at the time, for I was also suffering from fear, & a lack of self belief too. A lack of self-belief, it may be said, has stopped me, & many others, from finding the success, unconditional love, & financial security, that one deserves. These are the fundamental things that allow modern man to function at his optimum level. Once man has fulfilled the basic needs within himself he is then able to move up the next stage of is hierarchy of his needs ( to coin Maslow`s saying ). If he is not able to fulfil any of these needs, because of his lack of self-belief then he will suffer frustrations & insecurities, settling for the less. Man cannot function at his best whilst his most basic needs are unmet. There will be a continuous jealousy, resentment, & longing in him, for the things that other men have. It is here that Alchemy, or any process of self-improvement, that he must introduce to release his intrinsic nature, & herald in a freedom that will bring about actualisation of his spirit. If he is serious he will not die about this, & really intends to dedicate his life to self-improvement then of course it will happen. One can dedicate a portion of their time to improving an element of themselves that will bring about the change within a certain situation, but I tend to see this not fully embracing serious change, but just changing the one bit that is not working. This can be perfectly adequate for the moment, but in the end will not be enough to completely transform the soul'.

If we have now looked briefly at what Karma is not, lets take a look at what it is.

 When born, one is immediately presented with a set of ideals, parents, a home, & love. The quality of these basic requirements depends largely upon fate. What one gets is exactly what will dictate ones life at the most fundamental stage. The individual will, by & large, be influenced by his parents, or significant others, but underneath all the imposition, however positive, & usually it is not, will reside the individuals intrinsic nature. It is the soul of the indiviual. It is the answer to the all the eternal questions that the individual will at some stage want answered. Such as " What is my lifes purpose ? ". When I think of Karma, I`m reminded of the ancient story of The Golden Fleece, that Jason & The Argonauts carried from Aeetus to Ares. Through this story we can see that fate is be interwoven with Karma. It seems relatively easy to assume that we have lived before, & been given a template to work off by osmosis. The quality of parenting that we receive is the most important of all our relations as we advance along the path. So the position that these people is obviously Karmic. The incredible importance of ones parents influence upon us is profound, as it is this influnce that goes onto direct everything else that we do in our lives. Their morals, ethics, & principles are heavily influenced by them, & can become ingrained. The reasons that we are attached to our particular parents, or not, is down to Karma, or fate.

 Coming from a Buddhist background, I have always vehemently believed in Reincarnation, that every one of us has lived before. Souls that are passing through, like time travellers, if you will. The intrinsic nature is what resides in all of us at the deepest level of our personalities. It is the beauty, the Alchemist gold buried deep within the soul, & should be our life`s work getting to the bottom of it. Once we have worked through Nigredo, then the real work can begin, but Nigredo is the most challenging part of the discipline. The Long Night Of The Soul, is what St John Of The Cross called it. This is because many people do not get through it, some do, & it is these that are life`s real heroes. William Blake, said; When Thought Is Closed In Caves Then Love Shall Show It`s Root In Deepest Hell. What he meant was that if one is closed to the process of Self-Improvement then one shall eventually become frustrated, & life will become a perpetual cycle of futility, & if the individual is a highly dominant person, then sometimes this frustration can lead to murder, as a way of releasing inner tensions, due to the wasted life of the person by not being able to channel their energy correctly. Mostly though, in the others section of society that are not ultra dominant, this frustration leads to illnesses. Perhaps this is why cancer is such a big killer today; unrealised dreams & ambitions ?

 Sometimes one may notice something different about a person, or want to be near them, whilst out. Or bump into someone, proclaiming a real connection with the individual; this is the intrinsic nature of the person that they want to be near, that they feel attracted too. When one feels a pull to speak to another, or to listen to them, it is the persons intrinsic nature, or Karma, that others are being pulled towards. This is also the case when certain people are actually afraid to go near a person. They can unworthy of being near the man who is attuned to his intrinsic nature writing him off as too good for them. Many fear the beauty of the intrinsic nature, for it can threaten & irritate those that have not done their work. People run from their Karma, they do not want to own it, take responsibility for it, & live a satisfying life. I think that this is sad because Karma plays such a valid & integral part in our lives, that to deny it, run away from it, seems silly.

 Interestingly, the intrinsic nature of the evil is still as valid as the positive, as we see with the different levels of murder that happen in our society. It is not always a positive outcome. But it is not worth reflecting too long on this negative side of Karma within the confines of this essay, as I must keep it relatively short.

 During the course of this short, & basic essay, on my own theories of Karma, I hope that I have been able to show you Karma, as a concept. It is a phenomenally complex issue, & I do not not think, taken so seriously as it should be. Nevertheless I wanted to offer you a simpler, less stifling understanding of Karma. I hope that I have been able to deliver that.

PERSONALITIES THAT CLASH.

 It was a friend that suggested this to me some time ago. He mentioned over supper one evening that he felt my parents had done an excellent job of helping me structure a good personality. A personality that enabled others to feel comfortable & settled in the company of. I mentioned at the time that perhaps that this was just the work I had done on myself. But he disagreed, adding that this could not be because of the trouble I have had with them has been about my own internal struggles. My fathers legacy upon my psyche. This did not really register with me at the time, yet has done today, two months later. Incidentally I have not seen my friend in all this time, neither have I had the opportunity to thank him. So I should do really. His profound insight has enabled me to turn a corner. Let something go. So I am grateful to him for his insight. A profound comment, & heartfelt too.

 What my friend told me that evening in Soho meant a lot to me. Although, many people over the years have put themselves into this position & jeopardised our friendship. Or perhaps said something that I have not liked & I have just dropped them & walked away. In fact, when I would do it in the past I derived a certain sense of pleasure from it. George Orwell said ` That the glow of renunciation never lasts long `, & I think that he is right. Because after a while I would feel the pain of loss. Which would indeed cause me to pine & have difficulty letting them go in energetic terms. This would also happen within other situations too. I would make a decision then later regret it. Although I do not with my father. I do miss having a dad at times but I would not want him back as he was. I find it terribly difficult to allow someone a second chance with me, but I am beginning to realise that this can also be quite self-limiting. If a person continues to screw up, like my father does towards me, then it is sensible to cut off ties, no matter how long or intimate the connection has been. If a person can only harm then they have to go. An incompatible person is disastrous, & will cause terrible problems when it come to self-improvement, & progression.

 I did not agree with my friends behaviour towards me, but on the other hand, he has given me so much else, insight, education & honesty, just some of the other traits that he has. I could even say that he is more rounded that I, as he has been in regular employment, functions in his capacity as a father, & is married. I am none of those things, & function, happily in a far more insular world. Meaning that I have much more time to think things through, & come up with certain conclusions about him. That perhaps in an alternative environment would mean something completely different to me ? I also feel that the recipient of my behaviour feels sad too at his loss of me. It is as though that person would see me as childish or stubborn. Does this matter ?

 It seems as though it is all about setting personal standards in my life. I do not want someone to behave in this way, but at the same time they have positive attributes too. As this situation gets complex it is easier to see that it is about me adapting & accepting people have their faults. Of course having a destructive, arrogant, troubled person continually around is self-harming. An issue. But I think that it is wise also to understand that one should have friends that are varied. If I can begin to understand that everyone is different & will not be perfect for me every time, then I will be able to break away from isolation & become more rounded. This is what one expects from their life partner, but not from individual friends. Individual friends are exactly that & represent different aspects of myself. Not the whole of me. Within the the friend their will be the essence that attracted us together than the rest will be  the actual person. Just as this is the case with my friend. The actual element that pulled us together was our music, & this should not be forgotten. It should be remembered at all costs. My friend, rightly or wrongly, should not have behaved in this way, but I can understand why he did it,. Although I myself would have treated him differently had I been in the same situation. This does not make my friend wrong, or even misguided, just something that I personally did not like. I did not like being rejected on the off chance that I should jeopardise his position at work. It shows selfishness & or fear, within his personality. But because I was hurt, understandably because he did not explain his reasoning, I became confused & then upset.

 It is just this confusion that has instilled in me this ability to self-preserve & cut the other off. I did it recently with someone that I met. We had been communicating via email, over a long period, as she lived in another part of the country. I liked he company, she seemed intelligent & articulate, but also fun too. She had a kinky instinct for saying the right things at the right time. I enjoyed conversing with her & looked forward to her emails at the end of every other day, or so. We swapped music, laughed, & I suspect tears too. The emails were authentic, real & heartfelt, on both parts. Our communication went on for some months before we actually spoke on the phone, & we had been extremely open with each other. So I was slightly nervous, but anticipatory too about our chat. It was a step closer to actually meeting up since our initial meeting several months earlier.

 When we eventually spoke, on the Friday evening, I could not believe what I heard. We chatted for around an hour, & I had to take a deep breath, & bite my tongue when she told me she was already seeing someone. I was shocked. We had been conversing all this time, about us, her personal situation with an ex she was breaking up with, her son, family & what she expected out of life. She had even invited me to stay with her, & then when we finally got to speak, she began telling me about some guy she had been seeing these last couple of months. She even had the audacity to ask my advice about him at one stage ! I felt angry, & hurt by this outburst. She had not been straight with me, she had lied, & it was this that hit me hardest.

 Thought I`d write about it, get it out the system.

 

BULLYING. LEARNING TO TRUST AGAIN

  Today during meditation I suddenly came to understand what the last few months have really all been about; My full transformation. This morning everything just fell into place. I suddenly realised that I no longer needed to feel the way I have been feeling & that, if I so desired, I could have all the things that I desired & that my karma had changed. What came up earlier, & as I write to you today, it still remains, is sensation of deep happiness, & relief that it is all over. The inner battle is done & I feel, for the first time positive, but with real conviction. A Peak Experience feeling, & as I do not like to continue feeling as though there is so much more to work through, this really is a breakthrough. An authentic expansion of consciousness that will not let up, but persists upon growing, as though it has a life of it`s own. And in some way, I guess it is. I think that it is being allowed to grow & catch-up. There is a lot of catching up to do, that`s for sure. Which is now what I  want to do. ormation. This morning everything just fell into place. I suddenly realised that I no longer needed to feel the way I have been feeling & that, if I so desired, I could have all the things that I desired & that my karma had changed. What came up earlier, & as I write to you today, it still remains, is sensation of deep happiness, & relief that it is all over. The inner battle is done & I feel, for the first time positive, but with real conviction. A Peak Experience feeling, & as I do not like to continue feeling as though there is so much more to work through, this really is a breakthrough. An authentic expansion of consciousness that will not let up, but persists upon growing, as though it has a life of it`s own. And in some way, I guess it is. I think that it is being allowed to grow & catch-up. There is a lot of catching up to do, that`s for sure. Which is now what I  want to do.

 Many things have begun looking up, & I cannot get away from this incredible feeling of optimism. It as though I cannot shake off this lingering sense of happy anticipation, that just keeps growing. Colin Wilson, states that if we can continue to capitalise on our feeling of positivity we cannot help but to stay with it, thereby turning our life around to exactly the way we want it to go. If I can concentrate on keeping myself busy & focused upon my main objectives than, like Maslow`s Peak Experience theory, I can, in fact, stay where I want to be emotionally. Sounds irrational, but why should`nt I stay positive & optimistic, as opposed to miserable & forlorn ? The answer is that I do not have to. Depression is an indulgence in many ways. This is because one has a choice with everything that they do. One can choose a feeling of negativity, or not. It is, as, the Eastern philosophers practise, a question of non-attachment to one emotions. The middle way, treating them as though they are just guests, or even an imposition, & then disregarding them. We do, as a society, I feel, get far too attached to our emotions. They control us, determine our fate, & direct the course of our lives. It may be worth mentioning here a piece of research I was reading done in the 1960`s that stated that the majority of people, generally speaking, that suffer from depression were actually neglected & not given enough support, & positive affirmation, by their significant others. What this could mean in their capacity as adults is that depression, & all its symptoms, although subjective, could be a form of attention seeking. When taken alongside the Eastern philosophy mentioned earlier, that one has the choice in all matters of the emotions, the theory holds water. Either way, a healthy positive person, & not one suffering from delusions, is a far more formidable character in the world of the masculine, or external society. This type of person attracts to them only the best, & that which is in accordance with how they feel about themselves.

 This is not, however, a person who is highly dominant, egotistical, & claims the success of everything, even when they are part of a team. This is a narcissist, & has no place in the world of the confident, or successful. These extremely weak, pathetic types cover up with obfuscation & lies. They are sadly the small percent of people that fall into the highly dominant. This person is a bully, a liar, & will obstruct others from making the advancement that they want, using the dark arts of obfuscation, smokescreens & denial. When they are confronted they will usually rely upon some non-linear logic to put their justification across. They attract an extraordinary following too. The fan base of this type usually enjoys being bullied, a kind of second rate masochist, that given half a chance will revert to their leaders stupidity the second they turn their back.

 The highly dominant is a person who was beaten as a child, neglected, or abused. They find being around better quality types difficult & straining, because they are continually having to stay on top of their game of lies which in turn frustrates everyone else, causing more enemies than friends, & leaving them ill & depressed.  The need to cover up feelings of weakness, & inferiority is paramount.  Everything about this type of person is aimed at keeping others away from them & it is this that people get sick of. Obviously they can become a great burden on the environment in all sorts of sociological ways. But most of all because of their sheer immaturity they drain those that are close & are a  get in the way of all progression. This type are literally a slave to their emotions, & a receptacle for others peoples pleasures. This is not, however, a person who is highly dominant, egotistical, & claims the success of everything, even when they are part of a team. This is a narcissist, & has no place in the world of the confident, or successful. These extremely weak, pathetic types cover up with obfuscation & lies. They are sadly the small percent of people that fall into the highly dominant. This person is a bully, a liar, & will obstruct others from making the advancement that they want, using the dark arts of obfuscation, smokescreens & denial. When they are confronted they will usually rely upon some non-linear logic to put their justification across. They attract an extraordinary following too. The fan base of this type usually enjoys being bullied, a kind of second rate masochist, that given half a chance will revert to their leaders stupidity the second they turn their back.

NARCISSISTIC PARENTS & THEIR TOXICITY

 Sometime ago I decided that the best thing I could do would be to begin looking at the woman I had been seeing a little more in-depth. She had begun exhibiting signs of rudeness & arrogance towards others whilst we were out. I was becoming concerned at her arrogance. Although I certainly had showed signs of outright arrogance in the past, I thought that I had put that one to bed ? Anyway, It all came ahead a couple of weeks ago. We had been out for a drink, everything was good, until we went to a diner afterwards to eat. As we waited for our food to be wrapped she suddenly exploded & demanding that the guys work faster, &  that they should see to it that her needs were met immediately. She did`nt seem to understand that she was in a queue of people, & that it was not appropriate to behave as though she were the King Of England in some 16th century novel. I looked at her shocked, & then felt ashamed of myself for being associated with her. I did not know what to do. I thought that if I just walk away from her, she would be left wide open for attack, & that under the circumstances, thought it best to try & discuss with her later what on earth had come over her. The original reasons that I had begun seeing her went straight out the window as I experienced this atrocious behaviour. Luckily they were Arabic, so I could communicate, & express my sincere apologies for my girlfriends disgusting behaviour. They understood, or rather placated me, & I went away thinking they probably see me as a fool for choosing to be with her.

 After we got back to my place I chose not to bother mentioning anything of the matter. She was drunk, agitated, & desperate for attention. I felt a row on my hands should I broach the situation with her. I decided to leave it for another time. I remembered her telling me that they were not Arabic, but Turkish. When I challenged this ridiculous statement, it was clear that she knew nothing of what she had said. How could she when she speaks neither of the languages ! I realised only the next day that she was making it up. She was not able to make a positive comment on my Arabic skills. It seemed that she could not cope with someone else having knowledge that she could not understand. She was simply out of her depth. Even after she had begun eating, & she knew that I was a vegetarian, did she persist on asking me if I would like some of her meal. I begun to see similarities with my mother. When I chose to become vegetarian she would goad me about my choice. Had I been younger, there would of been no chance that she would of even taking it on board, & would of continued serving meat to me at lunch times. Perhaps this is why I never bothered trying it before now ? The similarities with this woman & my mother were too close. I could see that both of them were unable to support, or encourage me in any endeavour that I may want to pursue. This is the reason my mother was such an obstacle within my education, She simply did not like education because it was above her, & had I showed signs of intelligence at that time, like the vegetarianism, than she would of ridiculed it, or ignored it. This woman & my mother were the same. This was frightening, but told me so much about who I am now. Anything my mother did not like because she knew nothing about it, or was frightened by it, she kept it away from me. As it happens since I have lived on away from her, I have dedicated my life to study. She does not like it, & it has taken a lot of years for her to come to terms with who I am. Narcissists do not like any form of challenge to their authority. There way is the right way, & that`s that.

 The realisation that my new relationship was not going to work out after all made me feel sad at first, but then later relief welled up through me, for getting stuck with someone like this did not bear thinking about. I was sad that I had lost a person that whom on first impressions I enjoyed very much, then later through her narcissistic behaviour, although it covered up feelings of inferiority, I was glad to see the back of her. Eventually, not long after this episode she found an excuse to end our relationship. It was so textbook that it was shameful, but I was not complaining. I never challenged it as I was well aware, by this stage, that life would be better without her. I did not want to see her again.

 This actually came about one night that I sent her some photos of my best friends beautiful palatial home. Instead of making a positive comment about it she ended our attachment on the flimsy pretext that I had humiliated her once while we were out . It was easier for her to make up some pointless excuse to end our relationship than it was for hr to  than to communicate positive feelings towards the pictures. This is typical of a narcissist. They would rather belittle or humiliate than support or encourage a person. This way they stay can maintain the illusion that they are in control.

 The only thing that I am concerned about now is that I have not bothered contacting her. This may backfire on me. A narcissist can become enraged if they realise that they are not being bothered with. Naturally this could go either way for me. She could become very nasty with me, or stay silent, & eventually become depressed as I would not of bothered to contact her. Either way, life`s better without her.

 What I have come to understand about myself through this scenario is that I too have been incredibly narcissistic.The thing that kept making me feel uncomfortable about this woman was that I could see aspects of my own narcissism in her behaviour. Whenever I felt uncomfortable I was on some profound level feeling the shame that I had actually done this to others. I was experiencing my own karma being around her. This left me in no doubt that I was about to begin dealing with a very big issue.  And if I played my cards right I would come out of this a brand new man.

 Yes my narcissism I should mention here a little, just to show my sincerity. I would really enjoy cutting someone off once that had screwed up with me, even once. I could not bear thinking about why they would want to upset them such a wonderful person like me. In fact, I became so precocious at one stage that I had literally nobody around me. I lived in an ivory tower, & nobody could get near. So people stopped trying. I had no work, no love, no girlfriend, nothing. Then, out of sheer despair, as I began looking more closely at my predicament, I began to see that I was in deep pain, & not knowing how to get out of it. I had no money, no outlets, no social life, nothing. So when I went back into therapy to try & deal with this flat, synthetic feeling that was suffocating me, I could not, for I had allocated a beautiful woman, that made me feel uncomfortable & I began placating her, as if I would wanted to possess her. She asked me at the end of our sessions if I would help her get in touch with my employers, as they were rich. She disgusted me, but I thought that I had fallen in love with her. I know now that as I had begun placating her, I convinced myself that this was as good as it gets & just what I needed, just as I did with my mother. I accepted that this was all I was worth. Second rate, therapy with no boundaries. Mentally & emotionally I suffered because of this. My ex-girlfriend had unwittingly shown me just how my narcissistic behaviour had begun to isolate me from the things that I craved. As with the therapist, I was chasing after that which shone, which cut, & which could give nothing, as it was an empty shell. As though I were part of some Shakespearean tragedy, I realised that  I had been living in an ivory tower. It was lonely & undignified. I was like some old actor from a different time that is still hanging onto his old glories, but in reality he is washed up, burned out & archaic.

 But why had I been doing this to myself ? Why does anyone do this to themselves ? Protection. A person does this to protect themselves when they feel vulnerable & worthless. Although it is not immediate, it is gradual, & it has it`s roots in ones upbringing. My own personal examples come from influences left in me by my parents who are narcissistic.

 My father was a big shot in the film industry, & my mother a typical pampered, passive woman of the 1980`s, who knew a good thing when it came along. When it came to choosing to either stay in a dysfunctional relationship with financial security & international travel, or a life of autonomy, she chose the latter, & shut up. Not until around 15 years later, did my father reveal to her that he had been cheating on her all of their marriage, then walked out on her. It would be laughable if it is were not my own life story. Dark irony, I guess.

 My parents lack of emotional understanding towards my brother & I bullied me into substituting my own autonomy. Which in turn led to me becoming a people pleaser. Every child has the right to grow up supported & encouraged in whatever they do, by their parents or significant others. This process was frustrated by my mother & fathers striving to have their own needs met by me. This left me desperately striving to make my mark, & to embrace my own autonomy, when all the while my feelings & desires were rode over by one or the other of them. Trying to implement my own dominance was thwarted & this left me frustrated & angry, culminating in a period aggressive behaviour that imploded & ended up with me making some rubbish decisions in my life. My parents immaturity kept me shut off from my individuality & striving to try to find my own path. I had become a people pleaser. This was the only way I could get what I wanted from my parents. For attention, I had to ring a bell that was far too loud for me, just to get a synthetic light switched on, & some unsubstantial food for sustenance. A metaphor of course, but one that ticks all the boxes to how I felt as I look back.

 I was an aggressive frustrated boy as I grew up. Always very determined to have my own way, until I learned that I could not & became very sullen on the arrival of my brother. It was expected of me to appreciate him, but today I can see that I just resented his intrusion, & wanted him to go away. Eventually I grew to love him, bit there was always rivalry & envy there. Needless to say, my parents would see this as an opportunity to play us both off against one another. It would annoy me tremendously as I grew up, but nothing could be done. There had been no encouragement to achieve, aspire, or integrate with others. My mother was keen for us to do anything like that, because once again it would mean giving up her only connection to herself. Which is why she was so angry with me when I chose to leave home at 20. I could`nt stand her any more, & had to leave, but because I had not been given any support by her, I went straight out to work. I by-passed college until later, just so that I could be away from her.

 The problem was of course that my mother & father simply did not know how to communicate, or show affection. Nobody had ever bothered supporting or encouraging them & they had not taken the time out to learn how to love themselves either. My father far from stupid, had a native intelligence, & a charm that would open doors. They were able to placate others well, & attract certain people to them, but when it came for anything of any more depth, they simply did not have the courage to take further in-roads. They were children when they met & have remained so until this day.

  It has taken me a long time to understand them both, & to comprehend the sheer magnitude of their narcissism. The implications it has had upon my life has enabled me to become wiser about narcissism, & it`s ability to protect us, but it`s wiser to grow out of it. It`s been the root cause of my migraines. If I had not shut myself off to my autonomy I would not of had to of been someone else as I grew up. A receptacle for someone else`s pleasure. Just to pleasing others shuts off ones individual lust for life & depth. Then when it is needed one cannot rise to the challenge. It is sad & unforgivable, that a person can do this to there own child, however unwittingly. It is emotionally irresponsible, & the damage it does is so intense that people waste their lives over the fall out.

 For me it was far easier to cut off ties with members of my family. Some times people do soldier on, I suppose, but I am not at all this type of person. To me it is a waste holding onto those that are not able to give anything. This is the reason that I wanted to get to the root of the problem. There is a side of me that is a conquistador that needs to root out any life threatening issues. This being probably the biggest ever, has taken a lot longer than I would of liked, but it`s out now & I am coming to terms with the space in me that is without it. It is strange not having the feeling of covering up any longer. Only this morning did I experience an kind of detachment within myself, as though I have let go of the narcissism that used to cover me up. I took myself off down the road to see if I would feel different, but I felt surprisingly normal. I think that this is an equilibrium finding itself in me. a true balancing taking place that is more indicative of who I am today. A normal persona, that does not have to be big & brash as it has been. Just a normal cover to protect myself, no different to clothes. The persona I used to have was stupendous & daft. I would frighten others off, not getting anywhere in the workplace, arousing suspicions, when there was nothing for anyone to be concerned about. I was just a person who did not have a clue how to behave when in certain situations. I was a narcissist. Depp down I was afraid, alone & completely unsure with no sense of self-worth. Just bumbling along, like a tiny little person who could not hold up a massive sign that said " Please look at me ! ". No attention from my parents left me craving it, but not having the ability to cope with it. So would just sabotage it when it came.

 This is why I dropped out for a few years so as to find some solace within myself, & break down the door of this narcissistic cell that I had made for myself. There is little point in continuing to apportion blame to my parents. It is as stupid as being angry with a dog for biting you. It is an insult to ones intelligence to be angry with an ignorant people. My mother may today know the damage she has caused me by her extraordinarily stupid decisions, but it is up to me to let it go, & work it through ,so that my life will no longer be affected by those decisions that were made in parents interest 35 years ago.

 I read somewhere that narcissistic parents flag up the exact same signs as alcoholic parents. The damage that they inflict is just as painful as the narcissist. I have always been extremely interested in narcissism, ever since I was a student, & its easy to see why since I have stepped away from my own narcissism. The awful legacy their influences leave upon the psyche is tremendous. The aspects of this personality disorder that caused me such terrible problems was that I was snuffed out by them both. I never was able to find out what or who, was my real self. I was a person who pretended to be a good boy, & would try not to cause anyone  problems. This is what lead me to feel so helpless, & later powerless, when it came to showing dominance. My autonomy suffered & left me seeking anything profound & mystical that could help. I could not seem to find a way forward & become self-empowered, either in the workplace, how to earn a living, or even finding a decent girlfriend. All these things were alien to me. It was as though I had not been shown anything of the basic life-skills one needs to function in the workplace a parent should be showing their off-spring. Like my parents, I could not look after my emotional state properly, so I learned how to do it properly.

  I had to live in a cell when I was growing up, just to exist. Later on, I realised that I had forgotten where I left the key to my cell, so had to continue living there. This is why I suffered from claustrophobia, fears of going out, wanting to stay alone, until I found that I did not want any of these things. In fact, I did love the sun, the warmth, beauty, poetry, the feminine. I suppose this is why I studied Psychotherapy, & then later Policing. I needed to become a conquistador, & then a detective, so I could find the cell key, & let myself out, before it was too late.

 I believe that knowing this today I have been able to burn through my issue surrounding my ego. Time will tell, but I do feel tired, yet also convinced that I have seen the ending of who I once was. Perhaps my narcissism has left me & I have begun growing up.

THE ETERNAL FEMININE

  Although, far from a romantic feeling, I feel more a kind of deep affection for a woman who has entered my life. She is beautiful, but also very intelligence. A kind of native intelligence, that can see through things, & penetrate. Her gaze seems to burn right into me, & when I think of her I get a kind of pull on my senses that drives me to think more about her. As though she wants me to concentrate all my thoughts on her, but without saying so. It is intriguing to be in such a position, & I am thoroughly grateful to her for such a feeling that is emanating in me. She is important, but I also think that she is representative of a brand new stage that is opening up inside of me. A new beginning in the this next important stage of my journey.

 Yesterday in the bath I began to get more apparitions of where I am in terms of my inner development. My process. Jung always spoke highly of the importance of active imagination in our lives. Many of the worlds spirituals movements rely solely upon this process for it`s audience. I had been relaxing with candles & incense, when I began to see many images that, at first I was unfamiliar with, then later understood these to be an already thinly explored theme. But what it did suggest, nay, spoke of, rather loudly, was that my actual feminine, or my Soul, the Anima, if you will, was now ready to take a step back & rest, after much work.

 I had noticed, for a long time now, that my feminine spirit, my Anima, had been steering my ship along these troubling, yet, quiet waters. Whilst I, the nearly dead man, hibernated in the bowels of the ship. She, my beloved feminine, had taken over at the helm. She steered our ship while I had been humbled & retreated  into her world, so that I could learn toleration, self-love, & appreciate all that there is to know of the feminine. Which is so vast, rich, & complicated that it can only be shown in segments, & by ones own Anima. Although I cannot tell you how long her support had been in place, but she has done it exquisitely. I could not of wished in all my prayers for someone with as much depth as She. It is she that was sent by the universe to protect & guide me in the midst of my masculine hibernation.I needed to go to sleep & allow this magic to take place. The vessel that has carried me on the waters of my journey, during a period that seems as though it has been required of me, has been the feminine Soul, inside of me. To understand her I needed to penetrating her world, so that I could be taught more about the universe, who I am, & what I am capable of. It has been terrifying at times. The days of fighting hard to keep hold of my sanity are over now, this period was still difficult because it meant letting go of ego & slipping back into the womb when I did not want to. This meant on the out side, quiet solitude, few people, if any coming near, work stopping, & a lack of funds entering the home. The feminine has taught me about maturity & about loving myself from a deeper perspective. Which does not come from being alone.

  For quite some time I have been in the midst of a masculine confusion. At a crossroads. I had not understood what was required of me to become a more complete man. I do not mean some urban myth of an image. I had been through the hellish experience of being suspended from work, & this was the catalyst that ` broke me apart `. Then it was the slow process of re-building myself up again, but in the form of a man that I desired to be. So, a depth was required of me, for If I chose just to stay an average man then there was no need to go through this hell. Yet, it seemed futile to stay safe & away from the realisation of genuine love & beauty. What on earth would be the point of living without it ? If my world was to be a reality at all, then I had to learn the ways of a not a shabby half man, but a man of autonomy that functions out of the top drawer.

 Some time ago, perhaps a year or so, I made a choice to give myself over to my God. It was a slow burner, & things came gradually to me. After a while I was able to gauge through meditation that I was being taught the ways of mystical union & full integration of the self, through the universe; my God. The feminine. Until recently, I had felt rather confident, but as I felt my masculine began pulling away, disintegrating, I became frightened & confused. I thought that I maybe reverting back to old ways of scratching a living & surviving. I was afraid that the old lack was returning. The bills slowly began mounting & funds were lowering. Things seemed not right, in congruent. Unlike before in times of fear, I did my best to stay on top of myself, knowing that the universe was listening somewhere. She even put me in touch with my sub-conscious so that I could understand things in my own language. I began to see the image of my brain during meditation. I had no choice but to believe that if I gave myself over to this higher power, than at all costs, it would look after me. I had confronted massive issues with my fathers rejection of me, so an issue of this magnitude was particularly hard for me to embrace. The lack & the emptiness began to bite. I became concerned. Although I knew that I had to confront certain issues around the feminine too; how to begin relating again, as someone very special was entering my life, for the first time, in literally years. I felt that if I began opening my heart too much than it risked the potential of being hurt, severely. So it became clear that I was being guided along a path that would confront enable me to deal with these issues. So that I would be able to hopefully bring about the change that was required of dexterity. The man that I knew was in there somewhere, but just did not know how to get out & become. This is when I began to realise that the most powerful lesson a man can be taught are the ways of the feminine. As this dawned on me I began to feel a sense of foreboding, as it is imperative for any man, on his journey, to be shown such depth & mystique. This was the problem, for me, everything rich & of deep beauty, is complex, & it is this complexity that I knew nothing of. So complex in fact, that a part of it is still very much unfathomable to me, & I feel, perhaps that it always should be this way. It is a fool that cannot understand Queen Guineviere when she sleeps with Sr Lancelot. This is the ultimate lesson that man needs to understand, & without it the masculine life means nothing. No authentic woman entering a man`s life would expect him not to already know these things, so it was essential that I allowed myself to enter her domain, that has frankly, torn me apart, to be taught. Up until now it is by far the most important lesson that I have been through.

 It has been despairing & I have had to learn to surrender to myself to the sheer power of something else being in control of me. I have seen visions & apparitions, that have scared me, & settled me. I have watched my own birth, & found myself in awe of my mother. I have experienced the power of Parvati, the Indian goddess of love. Along with Buddha, watching me. All heroes of mine, like Lord Krishna, humbly explaining to his friend the power of correct intention towards oneself. Knowing that he has the power to wipe out the universe if he chooses, yet with great humility, gently takes the lowliest position of charioteer, so that he may be heard by you & I. These actions of the past masters have held me together as I have been lied to, let down, & rejected by those that never understood power such as the Buddha, or Goddess Parvati`s. People that cannot give, empathise or show honesty, but can only take, have caused me much pain, but through my perseverance, & hibernation, I have taught myself to embrace the power of the feminine universe.

 Today though, I can see that the universe has been my side all along, & that perhaps I have learnt the lessons of my previous Karma, & broke the wheel of  Dharma ? The symbols certainly suggest this. As these last few months, the strangest I have been through hitherto, have shown me, the feminine can now take the back step. She has, my Anima, had to control the ship, or vessel, as the alchemists call it, & ow she must rest. I must get back in touch with the wheel now, while she disappears. She has left me the map showing me the route that is the easiest way forward so that I may reach my treasure. The waters are calm, right now, but they will not always be this way, but She has planned out the route, & I know that I will abide by her. I have the tools at my disposal, but imperative that I do not wake her. She has been my guide whilst I have slept, & grew. Now, it is her turn to do what She needs.

 What this correlates too, in external language, is that the depth of woman that I now require to continue as a man is not available to me as yet. What is though are other people & situations that will enable & assist me to help me get back in touch with me as a man. My ` Soul Mate `, is not yet here. The time now is learning & re-aligning myself. Getting back to the masculine. Learning , so there will be courses to attend. Lectures to give, & listen to. Getting back to work. Controlling those bills under. Becoming responsible. Repeating the mistakes of the past so that I can bring about closure & not cause problems for myself. Progression & success. Starting again. Beginning to understand my world, but this time with the maturity that She has taught me. I now must begin utilising these gifts in the world of the masculine, so as to bring about the goals & the environment that she will expect on her return. I am now bringing under control the ship, the vessel, again. I have the map now, the tools, & above all, the power of my heroes, the Lords of the universe, to help me stick to her guidance whilst She is not hear.

 In the east the nature of God is feminine, as it has a melting, absorbing power over the recipient that cannot come from masculine energy alone. I knew that my masculine had to be put to bed. To hibernate if you will, & the feminine needed to take over. She, my soul, my Anima, has been driving my ship while I slept, healing. It is she that has decided upon the best route forward for me. It is She that I honour, & am in awe of. It is She that I will worship, & it is She that is resting within me now. It is my masculine energy that will now be drawn upon to produce material success & to drive our ship on. I am without her now, but she is near. I can feel her.

LOVE; TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS

 Finally I made a breakthrough. Turned a corner & realised a very important thing; I no longer feel as though I am wandering groaning & rattling a chain, so to speak.

 It came to me today as I wandered around the West End. Something shifted & brought with it a lovely feeling of happiness & closure. I realised at once that I no longer felt inadequate & that I must re-join society immediately. I no longer felt as though I was on the peripherals of society, just hanging on, trying to make do. I felt strong, vital, as though I really had something of value to offer. Self-empowered, with a good education, & love in me. Wealthy, you may say ? I thought, as I wandered around the streets, floating in this delicious, wonderful feeling of optimism, that I was just having a pleasant day shopping, being polite toward others, feeling healthy of mind & body, but it was only later that I realised that I must of experienced what the psychologist Abraham Maslow called a ` Peak Experience`. I had read about them many times, & was never to sure as to how to tell when one was about to come on. If I knew then perhaps I could prepare myself, & gain a deeper understanding of what they consist of. Through reading about them I also learnt that that one can actually instigate this `Peak Feeling` whenever one wants to, but the contributing factors & mental conditions must be right & congruent for an episode to take place.

 I had experienced them before, but I had never really attached too much importance to them, until now. They had usually come on previously after a particularly dark episode concerning my alchemical journey, or after a bout of illness. I remember one welling up in me after I began to get well again after a particularly severe case of influenza. I think that this had been brought on by the equally terrifying experience of being suspended from work. This also takes my mind  back to another episode that I experienced after I had achieved what I thought was an exceptional piece of writing. In all honesty though I never Until now though I never gave them too much credence. I would just write them off as either as a temporary euphoric mood, or as though, in the case of my meditation, that I had made a breakthrough within some particular issue that I had been struggling with. Either way, I certainly never bothered looking too deeply into any of these euphoric mind-shifting moods. The nearest I got at the time to thinking about them with any depth was the disappointment that it would not last too long. Wishing that it could stay longer. So you can imagine my ecstatic feeling when I my mind quite freely began to suggest that I could actually stay in this joyous mood much longer than I had ever done before.

 It came to me during meditation only recently, when I began to experience a wonderful surge of joy & well-being. Could you imagine just how incredible your life would be if the mood was able to stay just by learning how to re-create it ? Or even if one was to skilfully manipulate the mood & that it stayed continuously. One would naturally eliminate depression overnight just by simply learning how to re-create the actual conditions that brought it on originally, without medication, or any other synthetic stimulant ! How wonderful the potential could be. If the mind has already brought on one of these episodes in the first place, then it is completely possible, quite naturally, to bring on another, this time being conscious of it though. This is what I have found so exciting. Embracing the possibilities of a new way of living.

 During this mornings meditation I had another of these euphoric episodes come on. I tried to think why one had suddenly appeared, yet the only feeling that manifested in me was concern I have for a friend of mine who has become embroiled within a dysfunctional relationship with a manipulative person. I never realised just how painful this can be to witness. However when I stayed away from thinking about her my spirit lifted & became free thinking again, bringing on the `Peak Experience. Thinking about my friend made me feel the same as when a bill comes through the door, that one has`nt the foggiest idea how one will pay it. Not afraid so much, but more a feeling of heavy drudgery. So, by staying away from the heaviness of my friends predicament, I was able to maintain my `Peak`. It did, however go around an hour later, but I had managed to retain it for some considerable time.

 Of course, it is fairly obvious if one hangs about with the depressed it will in time turn one into a depressant, but this is not what I am offering here. What I am suggesting here is that if we can condition ourselves not to allow our inner pressure to leak mentally, through say, boredom, depression, or just a lack of vitality, we can retain the peak experience. It is as though we are a carapace for all the emotions that we have, & once one of the negative emotions enters our consciousness, we begin to deflate. We then spend much of our time in a continual state of lack. No vitality, & it is this that brings on the inability to retain ones peak experience.

  It could be seen to be a state of denial that I am advocating here, but this would be missing the point. Certainly keeping ones negative feelings at bay is denial, but what my point here is, by compartmentalising those emotions that keep ones vitality away, as I have mentioned above, & manipulating the good feeling that works its way through to ones consciousness, one may keep hold of the good feeling for as long as one would like to. Practising this allows the mind, through concentration, to become more equipped to cope with the pressure that is needed to hold onto the peak feeling. Somewhat the same as exercising one`s biceps. The more one becomes used to stronger, healthier arms, the more one achieve more strength & more vitality.  This is what the peak experience is for, I have come to understand.

 A Peak Experience is natures way of keeping us focused, alive &, above all, interested in the world & our place in it.

SPIRITUALITY & THE HIGHER SELF

 What would you do if you had reason to believe that you had heard from a more evolved higher intelligence than your own ? I do not mean someone who has a deeper, or more profound knowledge than the average man, like a nuclear physicist, nor am I discussing a person who speaks with great authority on a certain subject, that many others know little about. The type of intelligence I am suggesting here is a sort of extra-terrestrial intelligence. One that seems far superior to ours, but in a manner that is very subtle, not at all like our, collectively speaking, border-line aggressive, egotistical style of knowledge, that we have become so used to flaunting, especially here in the West. Now, it is important for me to emphasise at this stage of my essay that I really do not think that what I am discussing here are spacemen from other galaxies communicating, as the media influenced environment would have us believe, but a more refined, highly evolved state of affairs, that would suggest that the source of communication is my own higher-self. I am also mindful of not being taken seriously by my readers, & perhaps losing them, so I am appealing to you in the strongest sense my integrity can offer you, for an empathic ear. Now let`s get right down to the facts of what has happened.

 As I was taking my daily meditation, which I have done pretty much every day for the last 12 years, I had a white mist suddenly appear in front of my eyes, & within the mist was a face, I can only describe it as extra-terrestrial, not dissimilar to the classic space figures with the almond shaped head, etc. But this one was a dark colour, & his faced moved as he spoke, although the only feature upon his face were his eyes. Just great bulging, extra large almond shaped things, so dark, black, in fact. The image of the face, would not allow another lesser pronounced face get too close to me, but there was certainly another behind it. I sensed that this was a woman, but naturally I could not be sure of such a thing. The image (s) were bathed in an ethereal type of haze as though they were in an old midday matinee from the 1940s. It was very strange, yet profoundly interesting, & comforting too. The voice begun by saying that they knew me well, & that all the visions, dreams & feelings that I had had over the years, since I was a little boy, about spacemen, were in fact true. They had indeed happened. Many times over the years since I was a child the space dreams I would have were lucid, & at times, scary, but according to this evolved being/projection everything had actually taken place between them & me. Yet, they found it comical that I could not bring myself to believe that all my dreams had actually taken place. I also asked a few things about my own life which incidentally has helped me understand certain things about myself.

 So, now let`s get right down to the bear facts of what has happened. A projection of my higher self onto a a martian was what I think it was. An archetype, Jungian concept is what the face is representing. It is this that came to me during my meditation last week. The image, along with the voice, was a more irrational, illogical, yet a somewhat loving image that spoke to me with such simplicity, & eloquence. Somewhat a true natured shadow would do. I am calling it a projection because that is how I have been trained to perceive such things. Things that are unfathomable to the conscious mind, must not be speculated upon in such theatrical ways, although it is tempting, & I rolling with my feelings on this right now. Perhaps things, like images & apparitions are just raw primal energy that must come up from the unconsciousness in their most primal way ? Somewhat like a facet of the shadow that resides in us all. After all I have been having dreams of spacemen since I was young. One could see flights of fancy, fear of abandonment, & good old escapism in my space dreams that enabled me to cope with the struggles that were my parents. Space travel could well of been my own personal symbolism making a representation to me for a free & clear run into the ether, or my own universe, but, ultimately away from them ? This is what space travel is to me, but am I missing the point with this analysis ? Am I over-complicating a very simple message from my higher-self, in vision representation ? what then happened was a profound discourse on the state of man & the universe.

  The image shared with me that man has lost his way in progressive thoughts & practises. That he has become emotionally degenerate since the days of our ancient forefathers, has brought his ambitions & self beliefs down to, at best mediocre standards. It told me that the reason man now does not have the mental ability to fathom out how, say Stonehenge, the Pyramids, or any of the other profound edifices throughout the world, were built, is because he has the lost his ability to utilise a part of the brain that was unaffected by the modern world. Over a long period of time we have become null & void. That the complexity  & profound power the brain once had has simply been cut off by him, because, like the dinosaurs, adapting to living on the land from water, & vica-verse, we have to adapted to not having to use powers that once we needed. Cut off from using the same amount of brain power our forefathers used to build the monolithic structures that are represented by pyramids & Stonehenge, amongst others. And now all man can do when faced with the problem of how the ancients built the things, is credit spacemen. Or else he gives up pondering the question all together. According to Jung, though this power would still be lurking about somewhere in the vast collective unconsciousness, frightened to make an appearance for fear of being ridiculed by society. If now the only way that man can try to make sense of his lost power is to attribute it to spacemen from another galaxy, which is certainly not the case, then it is time for him to begin re-connecting with it again. Man seems to of lost a massive amount of confidence in his own abilities since this period of time. He has given up on the self -confidence that enabled him to build the pyramids, & concentrated upon going into the offices, or building a house, all indicators that we still possess the skills, but have lost the need, & therefore the desire, to build such grandness. It would seem, with what my higher self was sharing with me, that man cannot achieve much beyond the state of the material, & that because of this lack of enthusiasm he does not believe that there is anything much beyond the material state worth fighting for. I actually thought, at the time, that this may have something to do with two world wars, & it`s tragic terrible legacy, that it has left upon the world, but it was not mentioned by the guest, so I never pursued  it. Although, it must be said that there was an immense level of understanding towards people in general.

 The voice, the image continued on in this vein for quite some time, after explaining to me that because I had asked for his help he had come to assist me, yet in my time it had taken three days, in his he had come immediately. Although I can tell you that I am not conscious of asking for it`s help, but it has indeed helped. The reason I was told that I was unable to remember was because I had actually asked for Gods help during  a chanting session last week. When I asked what on earth it meant; it went onto explain in more depth that as refined, intellectual person I had, after dedicating myself to integration, found a closeness to God, or in my case, the Universe. But people that do find God in their lives tend to stop there. They believe that is all there is, & that it is unnecessary to seek anything further. What I received, I was told, was a peek into the ether beyond God.  That when man gets to such a level of self-belief he can begin to see past God. He then is able to understand that God is actually the doorway through  back into our higher-selves. Our higher self, my understanding of it, is actually us. I was trying to understand that I was actually looking & conversing with myself as I will be when I go through the door God is offering by my belief in him. Which is belief in myself, ultimately. The face was mine in the future when I will be evolved enough to understand the universe more, or rather we as men, & women, will be able to comprehend our universe, as our forefathers did. As a race we begun highly evolved that we had the ability to build such monolithic structures as pyramids & Stonehenge without much trouble, although sweat & toil took it`s pound, the brain was still able to complete the task. Man today is still able to do such things, but does not know how to begin the task, or even find the ability to locate his lost power. We have degenerated from being awesome to something rather pitiful. A figment of our once glorious selves.

 Once this information had been passed the conversation was ended, quite abruptly. On the departure of this experience I was shown a medley of my previous dreams & visions concerning `space travellers `, which shocked me. I later saw that the whole experience had used up an hour of my time, when it seemed just a few minutes. Since then I have been pondering on what has happened to me, if anything at all. This is the reason I wanted to share it with you guys. It is as though we are, or I am, being watched over. Whether it is by actual extra terrestrials, one cannot say for certain, but perhaps this is somewhat missing the point  ?

 I have tried my hardest to hold onto Jungs concept of projection, whilst trying to percolate what I have experienced. It did shake me up a bit. Nay, more a deep penetrative nudge, which left upon my psyche, a profound, yet subtle, & indelible mark, that has yet to come to the fore. It has certainly left me asking more questions than it actually answered. But being a novice in these matters I have leant upon Jung for a more solid take on what I have been through, so as to try & make sense of it all.

 Jung actually wrote a book in the 1950s, on man`s need to witness UFO`s.` Flying Saucers `, the book was called, in honour of the visions that cannot be explained, that apparently fly around in the sky. However Jung`s angle was not actually Flying Saucers, but more the need that man has to see from the great sky ( as man always has done ) symbols of transformation. It is these symbols of transformation that have always come to the seeker as whole, circular, or symmetrical, in shape, but oddly never broken, or fragmented. Flying saucers have always being reported as rounded shapes. I have never heard, or read, of a UFO that has come through as fragmented or even disjointed, in any way. It would seem, according to Jung, that the shapes of the UFO`s are somewhat similar to Alchemical symbols, or even mandalas, that are prevalent in  Eastern philosophy, & Buddhism. I am sure that it would not surprise Jung to know that we have recently sent a super duper special rocket up to Mars to determine whether there is another race of peoples up there ? He would probably suggest that man should try & find his own unique power first before he goes off on another adventure, imposing his lack onto others.

 Like Jung, I am not trying to put across an argument for, or against, the possibility of extra-terrestrial civilisation, anywhere. Even if I were to of given that impression it was not my intention to do so. I do have opinions on this subject matter, but right now this is not the appropriate place for a blog of that nature. As I am not completely versed in the subject matter, & it would not be ethical of me to continue further along this vein, I shall not. Nor can I cannot hold my own adequately enough for a thorough discourse on the subject. There are far better thinkers on the subject than I, plus it is not my field. So I shall refrain from any further speculation on the matter, & keep it contained to my own small, yet profound experience of what happened to me during meditation last week.

  It is safe to say that I am not actually afraid, but proud that I was able to have such an experience with my higher self. It`s also fair to say due to my experience that I should now begin thinking seriously about practising opening up my mental abilities further now. If we have lost abilities that were once owned, then it would not be a bad idea to try & regain some of it, if not all. I mean if man constructed pyramids & Temples beyond our comprehension, why not try & fathom out a way to utilise a part of our brain that could do a modern equivalent, or use this mental power to bear upon our own lives, & bring about happiness ? Some atavistic strain that perhaps we could begin utilising again. To find the key that would open up this function function once again, & bring about real results, would be phenomenal. For if the image I had was real, the I that I was communicating with was myself from the future, & if the face behind God is ourselves, then we do indeed have far greater powers than we have given ourselves credit for.

 It would seem that we are living in a state of continual psychic deflation, or depression, to coin a modern phrase. We need pornography, alcohol, drugs, & all manner of cheap stimulants just to function. We can never realise our true potential whilst we are in this state because we are working so hard keeping away from it. We are desperate to conform to the modern pattern of success, & it this that simply brings about more unhappiness. It is this that has destroyed our will to thrive & be what we once were.

 One can get glimpses of a higher style of living, such as experiencing the immense feeling of pleasure one can derive from making life choices that change ones life for the better. Some may feel, as I have felt, great relief in becoming vegetarian. Another may feel that growing & learning to love another unconditionally, or enjoying a wonderful piece of music, is a move towards a higher form of living, & ultimately fully functionalism. Perhaps this is why when a man or a woman want something in their lives they utilise every last drop of energy in bringing about the desired result. It always happens, just as it did when a whole nation willed & prayed for a Temple to go up, it did. Why is that so difficult to understand ? It was the same for our ancestors, just on a much larger scale. He certainly was not obstructed by the societal restrictions that we are today hindered by, like money & materialism. The possibilities are endless, & I for one am beginning to embrace this higher form of living.

 Whatever contacted me I want to leave up to you to ponder.

THE FEMININE IN MUSIC

 What about love, & it`s immense part in music ? How many records have been written about love over the years. Pain as well. Music is such a passion & phenomenal outlet for so many people. An international, atavistic, language of the whole world community, maybe even travellers from other galaxies, who knows ?Music has given so much too so many, whether it is some new artist just starting out on their career, or a an old hand like Keith Richard, of the Rolling Stones, doing his thing. Music is the life force of everyone.

 Music for me has been around like an old friend since I was a boy. My mother used to allow me to listen to all her old 45s from the 1950s & 60s. She looked after them, so I in return treated them with the respect they deserved, & to this day I have them all cleaned up, & housed in clear plastic covers. One of my prized pieces is a Beatles rare ep, Helter Skelter. This, along with 400 other singles, live on a shelf of my 1960s Danish rosewood bureau, that sits in the corner of the lounge. Then behind my 1971 black swivel, lounge, writing chair is a wall of shelves especially built for my vinyl. It holds around 400 albums, from around 1957 through to the late 1990s. Music of such distinction as Tubby Hayes, the phenomenally under-rated British Jazz Saxophonist, & vibraphonist, who died far to young, in 1969, right up to the absolutely phenomenal Charles Bradley`s - No Time For Dreaming, a particular favourite of my soul buddy R, & Green On Red, another great band who never achieved the greatness they really deserved. Just a few of the other luminaries, I need to share with you that are in the collection, are Prince Buster, Buddy Miles, & The Beatles,a lot of Jazz, real hard bop, Blue Note, Riverside, & Verve. A real eclectic bag of great sounds, great labels, & great covers.

 Over these last few years I guess it`s easy to see that I am extremely proud of my record collection. It`s been like an old friend, especially over these last few years when things begun getting particularly trying for me, due to me stopping talking to my father. There has also been the personal alchemy I have chosen to dedicate a large portion of my life too. Through all this I have began to understand that I have been coming to terms with a sad fact; everything I have been doing has been alone. Although today I can give credit to my music for supporting me unconditionally through my transformation into maturity. As I have grown, & refined, through this process of integration, so has my choice of music.

 The musical refinement I speak of, has over the years, within me has transmogrified concurrently just as my emotional state has done. It is interesting to note that there are certain musical styles that have been a part of my collection for many, many years without me ever playing them, until now. I actually have records that have been in my possession for 25 years, which as a child I thought were boring, but can only now begin to enjoy them. That is profound, & I think more attention should be given to this. For it speaks volume about the state of my mind as a child, & youth. On some profound unconscious level knowing what would be good for me when I was older. Talk about the power of the Sub-conscious mind, it knew ! All this, while my ideas were forming. This is why I have always seen my record collection as essentially feminine in nature. It holds mysticism & beauty that cannot be consumed, or contained, but only accepted. It has to be appreciated for what it is, & that is an immense powerhouse of my own wisdom, that has been protecting & loving me.

 I think that it is this attitude that I have always sub-consciously applied to my music, & it in turn has enabled me to write about it in this appreciative way. Honouring my collection so ethereally is my own small way of showing it how much I have appreciated her helping & protecting me in this beautiful way. It has left an indelible mark upon me & I want to show my appreciation to it by writing a blog, or two, in honour of her.

 My introduction to music was by way of my mother. As a boy the impression her singles collection made upon me was profound. As I reminisce upon standing in front of the bathroom mirror, at the age of , I guess, around 10 years old, listening to Ritchie Valens screaming out , Ooh My Head, or Roy Orbison singing his own unique version of Mean Woman Blues, I can remember how fantastic the organic driving beast made me feel, so good, so masculine, better than the rest. I would play mothers Rock & Roll whenever I got the chance; before I went to school to fire me up, then again on my return. I was always up for more Rock & Roll. It swam through my veins whilst I grew up. My parents even bought me a little Dansette record player, with a couple of half decent speakers, well they were good enough for me to make out the sound of London American, or Pye International 45s, blasting away each morning, in my bedroom. I remember rushing back from school Friday afternoons, feeling ever so excited, because it was ` Peter Young`s Cruising 1950s & 60s radio show, which would start at 6pm, on the nose. Mother would have my tapes all ready, with the little radio, with the tape deck in it for recording the charts. Bang, I was away, taping all the songs, well, all of them except the Doo-Wop choices, which I hated. My fathers favourite sounds, incidentally. I was having none of that twee rubbish on my C-60 tapes. I still detest it now. Sometimes, to my sheer frustration I would have to go shopping to the supermarket for provisions with my parents, at the same time, the show was on, & I would miss out on taping the show. Although, they would put it on in the car for me, which could drive me mad, as whenever this would happen, it was usually one of Peter`s better Friday offerings. Talk about challenging times ! Fridays were the highlight of the week for me. I hunted high & low to try & find out what the introduction was to the show. Eventually though a friend of my fathers enlightened me; it was the phenomenal ` Stick Shift, by The Duels `. I was the happiest little boy in town knowing that one. It still takes a high position within the bowels of the collection in the Danish. Mr Young, would be very proud of me. He actually uses one of my vinyl record stores here in London for his shows. Although as yet I have not met him, but if I do, I will shake his hand, then thank him dearly for the level of quality sounds which led to experiences that have literally shaped my life. What that man provided for me me during my boyhood, was girls, confidence, & a form of masculinity, that is only known & understood by an 11 year old boy, growing up in Surrey, listening to the Chicago of the late 1950s. It`s indelible, & I hope to God that it always stays this way.

 As time wore on, I was still listening to the same genre of music, but this time I was utilising it to prepare me for dates after school with girls, or while putting on my best Saturday clothes to go for a walk around the record shops in my part of Surrey. What better way to boost ones confidence before a date, getting ready in the bathroom than having this playing. http://youtu.be/pAEbX5gY3QM , Enjoy !

 As my mother was unable to give quality advice when it came to girls, problems with others at school, or what aftershave to wear that girls would like, or could at least put them off the scent of my nervousness around them, my music was again the sage that stood in, & perked me up to form my own opinions & gain my own confidence. Yes, my sounds provided all the wise sage a young boy needed whilst growing up, & I was hungry for more of it.

 The trials & tribulations of an upbringing in the wilds of Surrey, left me in no doubt that the greasy rockers of the mid-late 1950s were my heroes. I adored the bikes, the big old cars, & of course, the girls. Christine, the Stephen King movie of the 1980s, where a young lad from the suburbs turns into a greasy 1950s Rock `n ` Roller, all arrogant, chewing gum, & smoking with long black brylcream`ed hair. He purchases an old 1958 Plymouth Fury, that needs work doing to it, does it up, & it later turns out that he has car that enjoys killing people, & transforming it`s owner into a throwback to that period, whilst blasting out ` Little Richard`s - Keep A Knockin` . Incredible stuff !It is profound how much of an impression my mothers records has had on my life. I expect that also the period interests me because it`s the time period the music originates from.

 To suggest that I have had no difficulties trying to understand my mothers relationship with me, would be wrong, but I can now see the trouble she has had over the years communicating with me, & it has been the music, her music that she has offered as an alternative to actual verbalisation. It was as if my mother had a notion that her records could substitute a warmth that she could not provide, that provoked her into accessing her record collection for me. I think it`s the exact same principle that allows her to enjoys paying a couple of bills for me each month. As I think back I can see how unaware they were of my intellectual needs. It`s obvious to me now how the music could, at times, take the pressure off her so that she would not have to open up any more than was necessary. It was a coping mechanism for her, & one that I enjoyed thoroughly. I was left alone to get on with it, & it grew to a mutual love relationship. My brother would get into it too, but I made it my own personal labyrinth really. Nobody, not even her, could get into a unique space I made my own, just between the records & I. That little bit of space was sacrosanct for me, & it grew. It has grown into who I am today.

 It show`s itself up no where more today than when I listen to the refined  power of Jazz. I can see that it was her that leaned me into my musical education. And, I guess, as she grew musically, I have followed the exact same path that she has. My father also helped, but he never left me records to `play with `. He never had any to leave me. It was my mother who left this wonderful legacy, & that I am still so proud of have on show. It has taken me a long time to refine myself to the point where I can really dig Jazz. It is such a heightened sense of modal sounds. As a child I could not fully appreciate Jazz as I do today. It was always the simpler direction of Rock & Roll, or Soul music, that I found far more applicable than the heady form of Jazz. The even more profound thing here is that it was her too, that introduced me to Jazz.

 She was the one that brought to my attention Tubby Hayes, who is my favourite Jazz musician, but only of late. When I used to see her Tubby records, I knew that I would not dig it, so did not even attempt such a thing. I remember trying once but had to turn it off as it did nothing for me. It bored me. Today I see Tubby as musically very far reaching, & so damn authentic in his playing, that it borders upon the spiritual, especially the formidable, slow burner of an album, Mexican Green, on Fontana, 1969. Yet it was my mother that brought this amazing artist to my attention originally as a boy. It is this concept that I am still struggling with.

 As a youth, my mother would go out of her way to see Tubby Hayes play, along with Ronnie Scott, & many other greats, at their club in Soho. She saw many more besides. In fact, a lot of Rock & Roll artists too, such as Eddie Cochran, Gene Vincent, & I have to add this here, for prosperity, Jimi Hendrix, at a local town hall, where he had to be dragged off stage for setting the curtains alight ! But, for a person to go catch a show by Jazz musicians of the calibre I am describing here, when others were listening, & getting their rocks off too The Beatles, leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of awe. She was out there listening to music which forms part of a highly evolved plane of musical understanding, that just is not for the weak. She was digging a vibration & perhaps she really did get ? Although many did not, or else the music, & the artists, would be more popular, & widely available, which they are not, sadly. At the least my mother had the emotional ability to appreciate something that would be much easier for one to assume would be above her weight. But, it tells me something far more important about her, than just her enjoyment of a superb music form; that she was, or perhaps still is, a people-pleaser. Clearly she has oppressed her intellectual abilities for a career, music, being a mother, & allowed others, like my father, but more tellingly, her own father, to dictate the terms of her life. This is a profound statement to make, but one that screams resonance with me. I think, as I write, that becoming aware of this knowledge is extremely important to me. Important because, if I am to see my childhood in a positive light, then it is imperative that I really understand why my mothers inability to communicate effectively with me has affected me the way it has. Today I can see her. I can understand that She was sharing her music with her me. It was the only way she could contact me with the amount of depth she wanted to give me, but was unable to, due to confidence issues. She did not know how to communicate her emotions effectively with me, so the music did it for her, vicariously.

 The last time my mother was around I played a little Ahmad Jamal for her. As she sat here, I heard a voice, that was, up until then, alien to me. She told me how much she enjoyed such beautiful music, " Oh this is good, I like this a lot", she said, & just looked straight ahead into the wall. I was staggered by her depth, her authenticity, & her ability to express her feelings through a piece of music that I had chosen to play her. It meant so much to me that she suddenly, & so naturally, had found the ability to show me who she once was. Perhaps who she really is ? A glorious moment for me & one which has enabled me to begin trying, & wanting, to really understand this most complicated & troubled woman.

 But, perhaps really, through this epiphany I have been able to understand who I am ? Perhaps being able to  see into these little windows of vision in her I will be able to begin seeing that I am ultimately without her. This  new awareness has left me understanding the relationship I have with my mother. Also through this awareness it would seem that I have arrived face to face with my own autonomy ?  

 Writing this today has come spontaneously for me. It is something that I have wanted to know about my mother. I have always suspected that music was at the root of the relationship with my mother. My mother, hopefully, you have been able to see today,through my discourse, that she has never been able to communicate her own feelings on anything that required sensitivity from her. It has been this silence from her that has caused me so much disturbance during my life. And it this reason that I have had much music around me all these years. For it has enabled me to learn, grow, & ultimately help form my own opinions in life. It has given me the strength to find my autonomy. And, it is this that I have always got from my music. My autonomy has been found through my music to help me. Whether I have done this consciously, or not, is irrelevant to me. All that matters is that I am now aware of the spiritual connection that I have always had with music.

 It`s funny, come to think of it, that I have been buying so much of it recently, & it is these last few years that have been the most trying of my life, thus far. Perhaps that I have needed to buy so much of it recently is because I have needed to find some support & comfort, whilst I have been going through this transformation.

 Music is life.

        “It is my vow to grant protection to those who come to me saying: "I am yours" (Valmiki Ramayana 6.18.3

INTRINSIC HEALING. Let Me Bring You Love From The Field To Heal The Wound & Heal The Pain

 These are the glorious days that I shall miss in relation to you. The doors would be wide open, with the nets blowing radiantly, & a wonderful top end breeze pouring through the rest of the apartment, allowing us to benefit from its relief. Beautiful.

 My email to you today is rather important, as I never had any intention of sitting here today to write you one, & all because of my regular daily meditation. For this morning, I made contact with, & I know for sure that I am super cautious about who I tell this too, super-intelligent beings. I cannot speculate upon their origins, but they have given me information. They came in a midst of a white ethereal colour. They spoke to me through my senses. Last week I asked if there was anyone else around out there in the universe, besides God. This morning I was surprised when an image of two people, faint, & very subtle, came into my vision. What I received was information that will, I am sure, change my perspectives on life. 

 Through the close connection I have been making with Lord Krishna, my God, I was told by the images, that what has been happening is a process of refinement. Not only through Krishna, but Buddha too, & my own Alchemy. Now I, through my spiritual practises have thinned out my density enough so as to be able to make the connection through him to these images that are of such importance to the advancement of the spiritual person. It is because I have advanced so far spirituality that I have not had to wait so long before going through God, to realise that these images of superior intelligence are in fact us. The images I saw, were faint outlines of figures, which are just faint outlines of me, & my superior self, that as yet, I am not able to understand. The images & strange figures that they have taken on, in urban myth, are just projections. They also spoke to me & said when I asked about flying machines, that " Do you really believe that we, you, would actually e around in contraptions that resemble such human invention as calamitous as space-crafts ? " . I laughed in agreement with them. They also found it comical, but understood exactly, why we cannot comprehend, as a species, that we could not of made the magnificent edifices from ancient times, that are dotted around the world, such as Stonehenge, & the Pyramids. They said that since the ancient time of our ancestors our mental abilities have degraded, & are not what they were then. We have become so mentally degenerative that our our mental ability could never make such structures again without the use of computers, & technological machines. But we could then, & alone without such machines.

 I was explained that God, in my case, Krishna/Buddha, has been the gateway that I have needed to refine, & trust myself enough to believe or understand this stage of my enlightenment. This is the stage beyond God worship. This is the return back to our uncontaminated selves. They told me too that depending upon one`s choice of religion depends upon one`s ability to advance spiritually. If one chooses a God that advocates an ethereal place where there is no need to return, then that particular soul has no need to return, as yet, but will. It is also indicative of a souls spiritual progression. Yet, It is of no importance to them, or us. What is important is the preparation of the mind & the spirit. Meditation, chant, prayers, diet, working out, self- belief, & a belief in a God, are all the things that these images advocate so that we can ourselves to the level of density where we can raise our awareness enough to progress, travel, through to the complete nirvana ( my term ). This the level where God/Universe can be trusted enough so that one may pass through God stage, & then back to ourselves. This is the ultimate goal, I was told. It should also be man`s most inspirational, but, where man has become dumbed down he has also stop worshipping passed the level of an external God. It is at this God level, where, if one is versed in deep, honest, spiritual practise, then one will return to the completion of our uncontaminated selves. This, in turn, I was told stop will stop the cycle of returning here, & allow us to stay there uncontaminated, & more highly evolved then we could ever be here. Who `They` are is us as we are holistically without the crudity of form, & material.

 While I was in communication I asked a few personal, & come to think of it, almost futile questions, but relevant to my life here, just to give me some piece of mind. I received satisfying answers that I never expected. They knew so much about me that I felt naked, but not abused, or embarrassed, in any way. In fact, they were aware, & appreciated too,  that I had to make a living, & wanted to experience love, & financial security. They said that they would enjoy helping achieve this ambition for me.

  Last week, Wednesday, I asked for a sign. This Saturday morning I received it, & it has completely wiped me out. I even had a vicious migraine early last night, which always tend to come before a transition. The hen it went away as I saw an image in the garden. Suddenly I received deep personal information about my future that enabled me to let it go. It has not returned since. I never once felt threatened, intimidated, or even frightened. I came away feeling a little shaken, & proud that I had been able to receive, understand such profound, & privileged, information.

 Nothing this clear has ever happened to me before, & It is profound. I am sure that it will take a bit of time to resonate within me, but I speak to you with confidentiality, & deep honesty. I know that you have understandings in these matters, & may even be able to shed light, or share information with me. Either way I knew that I had to share this with you. I am also aware that it is important, not just for me, but perhaps others too ?   

 I had planned on a blog at some stage today moaning about some psychological saga of mine, & all that, but instead the true Lords Of The Universe came instead.