Although, far from a romantic feeling, I feel more a kind of deep affection for a woman who has entered my life. She is beautiful, but also very intelligence. A kind of native intelligence, that can see through things, & penetrate. Her gaze seems to burn right into me, & when I think of her I get a kind of pull on my senses that drives me to think more about her. As though she wants me to concentrate all my thoughts on her, but without saying so. It is intriguing to be in such a position, & I am thoroughly grateful to her for such a feeling that is emanating in me. She is important, but I also think that she is representative of a brand new stage that is opening up inside of me. A new beginning in the this next important stage of my journey.
Yesterday in the bath I began to get more apparitions of where I am in terms of my inner development. My process. Jung always spoke highly of the importance of active imagination in our lives. Many of the worlds spirituals movements rely solely upon this process for it`s audience. I had been relaxing with candles & incense, when I began to see many images that, at first I was unfamiliar with, then later understood these to be an already thinly explored theme. But what it did suggest, nay, spoke of, rather loudly, was that my actual feminine, or my Soul, the Anima, if you will, was now ready to take a step back & rest, after much work.
I had noticed, for a long time now, that my feminine spirit, my Anima, had been steering my ship along these troubling, yet, quiet waters. Whilst I, the nearly dead man, hibernated in the bowels of the ship. She, my beloved feminine, had taken over at the helm. She steered our ship while I had been humbled & retreated into her world, so that I could learn toleration, self-love, & appreciate all that there is to know of the feminine. Which is so vast, rich, & complicated that it can only be shown in segments, & by ones own Anima. Although I cannot tell you how long her support had been in place, but she has done it exquisitely. I could not of wished in all my prayers for someone with as much depth as She. It is she that was sent by the universe to protect & guide me in the midst of my masculine hibernation.I needed to go to sleep & allow this magic to take place. The vessel that has carried me on the waters of my journey, during a period that seems as though it has been required of me, has been the feminine Soul, inside of me. To understand her I needed to penetrating her world, so that I could be taught more about the universe, who I am, & what I am capable of. It has been terrifying at times. The days of fighting hard to keep hold of my sanity are over now, this period was still difficult because it meant letting go of ego & slipping back into the womb when I did not want to. This meant on the out side, quiet solitude, few people, if any coming near, work stopping, & a lack of funds entering the home. The feminine has taught me about maturity & about loving myself from a deeper perspective. Which does not come from being alone.
For quite some time I have been in the midst of a masculine confusion. At a crossroads. I had not understood what was required of me to become a more complete man. I do not mean some urban myth of an image. I had been through the hellish experience of being suspended from work, & this was the catalyst that ` broke me apart `. Then it was the slow process of re-building myself up again, but in the form of a man that I desired to be. So, a depth was required of me, for If I chose just to stay an average man then there was no need to go through this hell. Yet, it seemed futile to stay safe & away from the realisation of genuine love & beauty. What on earth would be the point of living without it ? If my world was to be a reality at all, then I had to learn the ways of a not a shabby half man, but a man of autonomy that functions out of the top drawer.
Some time ago, perhaps a year or so, I made a choice to give myself over to my God. It was a slow burner, & things came gradually to me. After a while I was able to gauge through meditation that I was being taught the ways of mystical union & full integration of the self, through the universe; my God. The feminine. Until recently, I had felt rather confident, but as I felt my masculine began pulling away, disintegrating, I became frightened & confused. I thought that I maybe reverting back to old ways of scratching a living & surviving. I was afraid that the old lack was returning. The bills slowly began mounting & funds were lowering. Things seemed not right, in congruent. Unlike before in times of fear, I did my best to stay on top of myself, knowing that the universe was listening somewhere. She even put me in touch with my sub-conscious so that I could understand things in my own language. I began to see the image of my brain during meditation. I had no choice but to believe that if I gave myself over to this higher power, than at all costs, it would look after me. I had confronted massive issues with my fathers rejection of me, so an issue of this magnitude was particularly hard for me to embrace. The lack & the emptiness began to bite. I became concerned. Although I knew that I had to confront certain issues around the feminine too; how to begin relating again, as someone very special was entering my life, for the first time, in literally years. I felt that if I began opening my heart too much than it risked the potential of being hurt, severely. So it became clear that I was being guided along a path that would confront enable me to deal with these issues. So that I would be able to hopefully bring about the change that was required of dexterity. The man that I knew was in there somewhere, but just did not know how to get out & become. This is when I began to realise that the most powerful lesson a man can be taught are the ways of the feminine. As this dawned on me I began to feel a sense of foreboding, as it is imperative for any man, on his journey, to be shown such depth & mystique. This was the problem, for me, everything rich & of deep beauty, is complex, & it is this complexity that I knew nothing of. So complex in fact, that a part of it is still very much unfathomable to me, & I feel, perhaps that it always should be this way. It is a fool that cannot understand Queen Guineviere when she sleeps with Sr Lancelot. This is the ultimate lesson that man needs to understand, & without it the masculine life means nothing. No authentic woman entering a man`s life would expect him not to already know these things, so it was essential that I allowed myself to enter her domain, that has frankly, torn me apart, to be taught. Up until now it is by far the most important lesson that I have been through.
It has been despairing & I have had to learn to surrender to myself to the sheer power of something else being in control of me. I have seen visions & apparitions, that have scared me, & settled me. I have watched my own birth, & found myself in awe of my mother. I have experienced the power of Parvati, the Indian goddess of love. Along with Buddha, watching me. All heroes of mine, like Lord Krishna, humbly explaining to his friend the power of correct intention towards oneself. Knowing that he has the power to wipe out the universe if he chooses, yet with great humility, gently takes the lowliest position of charioteer, so that he may be heard by you & I. These actions of the past masters have held me together as I have been lied to, let down, & rejected by those that never understood power such as the Buddha, or Goddess Parvati`s. People that cannot give, empathise or show honesty, but can only take, have caused me much pain, but through my perseverance, & hibernation, I have taught myself to embrace the power of the feminine universe.
Today though, I can see that the universe has been my side all along, & that perhaps I have learnt the lessons of my previous Karma, & broke the wheel of Dharma ? The symbols certainly suggest this. As these last few months, the strangest I have been through hitherto, have shown me, the feminine can now take the back step. She has, my Anima, had to control the ship, or vessel, as the alchemists call it, & ow she must rest. I must get back in touch with the wheel now, while she disappears. She has left me the map showing me the route that is the easiest way forward so that I may reach my treasure. The waters are calm, right now, but they will not always be this way, but She has planned out the route, & I know that I will abide by her. I have the tools at my disposal, but imperative that I do not wake her. She has been my guide whilst I have slept, & grew. Now, it is her turn to do what She needs.
What this correlates too, in external language, is that the depth of woman that I now require to continue as a man is not available to me as yet. What is though are other people & situations that will enable & assist me to help me get back in touch with me as a man. My ` Soul Mate `, is not yet here. The time now is learning & re-aligning myself. Getting back to the masculine. Learning , so there will be courses to attend. Lectures to give, & listen to. Getting back to work. Controlling those bills under. Becoming responsible. Repeating the mistakes of the past so that I can bring about closure & not cause problems for myself. Progression & success. Starting again. Beginning to understand my world, but this time with the maturity that She has taught me. I now must begin utilising these gifts in the world of the masculine, so as to bring about the goals & the environment that she will expect on her return. I am now bringing under control the ship, the vessel, again. I have the map now, the tools, & above all, the power of my heroes, the Lords of the universe, to help me stick to her guidance whilst She is not hear.
In the east the nature of God is feminine, as it has a melting, absorbing power over the recipient that cannot come from masculine energy alone. I knew that my masculine had to be put to bed. To hibernate if you will, & the feminine needed to take over. She, my soul, my Anima, has been driving my ship while I slept, healing. It is she that has decided upon the best route forward for me. It is She that I honour, & am in awe of. It is She that I will worship, & it is She that is resting within me now. It is my masculine energy that will now be drawn upon to produce material success & to drive our ship on. I am without her now, but she is near. I can feel her.
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