What about love, & it`s immense part in music ? How many records have been written about love over the years. Pain as well. Music is such a passion & phenomenal outlet for so many people. An international, atavistic, language of the whole world community, maybe even travellers from other galaxies, who knows ?Music has given so much too so many, whether it is some new artist just starting out on their career, or a an old hand like Keith Richard, of the Rolling Stones, doing his thing. Music is the life force of everyone.
Music for me has been around like an old friend since I was a boy. My mother used to allow me to listen to all her old 45s from the 1950s & 60s. She looked after them, so I in return treated them with the respect they deserved, & to this day I have them all cleaned up, & housed in clear plastic covers. One of my prized pieces is a Beatles rare ep, Helter Skelter. This, along with 400 other singles, live on a shelf of my 1960s Danish rosewood bureau, that sits in the corner of the lounge. Then behind my 1971 black swivel, lounge, writing chair is a wall of shelves especially built for my vinyl. It holds around 400 albums, from around 1957 through to the late 1990s. Music of such distinction as Tubby Hayes, the phenomenally under-rated British Jazz Saxophonist, & vibraphonist, who died far to young, in 1969, right up to the absolutely phenomenal Charles Bradley`s - No Time For Dreaming, a particular favourite of my soul buddy R, & Green On Red, another great band who never achieved the greatness they really deserved. Just a few of the other luminaries, I need to share with you that are in the collection, are Prince Buster, Buddy Miles, & The Beatles,a lot of Jazz, real hard bop, Blue Note, Riverside, & Verve. A real eclectic bag of great sounds, great labels, & great covers.
Over these last few years I guess it`s easy to see that I am extremely proud of my record collection. It`s been like an old friend, especially over these last few years when things begun getting particularly trying for me, due to me stopping talking to my father. There has also been the personal alchemy I have chosen to dedicate a large portion of my life too. Through all this I have began to understand that I have been coming to terms with a sad fact; everything I have been doing has been alone. Although today I can give credit to my music for supporting me unconditionally through my transformation into maturity. As I have grown, & refined, through this process of integration, so has my choice of music.
The musical refinement I speak of, has over the years, within me has transmogrified concurrently just as my emotional state has done. It is interesting to note that there are certain musical styles that have been a part of my collection for many, many years without me ever playing them, until now. I actually have records that have been in my possession for 25 years, which as a child I thought were boring, but can only now begin to enjoy them. That is profound, & I think more attention should be given to this. For it speaks volume about the state of my mind as a child, & youth. On some profound unconscious level knowing what would be good for me when I was older. Talk about the power of the Sub-conscious mind, it knew ! All this, while my ideas were forming. This is why I have always seen my record collection as essentially feminine in nature. It holds mysticism & beauty that cannot be consumed, or contained, but only accepted. It has to be appreciated for what it is, & that is an immense powerhouse of my own wisdom, that has been protecting & loving me.
I think that it is this attitude that I have always sub-consciously applied to my music, & it in turn has enabled me to write about it in this appreciative way. Honouring my collection so ethereally is my own small way of showing it how much I have appreciated her helping & protecting me in this beautiful way. It has left an indelible mark upon me & I want to show my appreciation to it by writing a blog, or two, in honour of her.
My introduction to music was by way of my mother. As a boy the impression her singles collection made upon me was profound. As I reminisce upon standing in front of the bathroom mirror, at the age of , I guess, around 10 years old, listening to Ritchie Valens screaming out , Ooh My Head, or Roy Orbison singing his own unique version of Mean Woman Blues, I can remember how fantastic the organic driving beast made me feel, so good, so masculine, better than the rest. I would play mothers Rock & Roll whenever I got the chance; before I went to school to fire me up, then again on my return. I was always up for more Rock & Roll. It swam through my veins whilst I grew up. My parents even bought me a little Dansette record player, with a couple of half decent speakers, well they were good enough for me to make out the sound of London American, or Pye International 45s, blasting away each morning, in my bedroom. I remember rushing back from school Friday afternoons, feeling ever so excited, because it was ` Peter Young`s Cruising 1950s & 60s radio show, which would start at 6pm, on the nose. Mother would have my tapes all ready, with the little radio, with the tape deck in it for recording the charts. Bang, I was away, taping all the songs, well, all of them except the Doo-Wop choices, which I hated. My fathers favourite sounds, incidentally. I was having none of that twee rubbish on my C-60 tapes. I still detest it now. Sometimes, to my sheer frustration I would have to go shopping to the supermarket for provisions with my parents, at the same time, the show was on, & I would miss out on taping the show. Although, they would put it on in the car for me, which could drive me mad, as whenever this would happen, it was usually one of Peter`s better Friday offerings. Talk about challenging times ! Fridays were the highlight of the week for me. I hunted high & low to try & find out what the introduction was to the show. Eventually though a friend of my fathers enlightened me; it was the phenomenal ` Stick Shift, by The Duels `. I was the happiest little boy in town knowing that one. It still takes a high position within the bowels of the collection in the Danish. Mr Young, would be very proud of me. He actually uses one of my vinyl record stores here in London for his shows. Although as yet I have not met him, but if I do, I will shake his hand, then thank him dearly for the level of quality sounds which led to experiences that have literally shaped my life. What that man provided for me me during my boyhood, was girls, confidence, & a form of masculinity, that is only known & understood by an 11 year old boy, growing up in Surrey, listening to the Chicago of the late 1950s. It`s indelible, & I hope to God that it always stays this way.
As time wore on, I was still listening to the same genre of music, but this time I was utilising it to prepare me for dates after school with girls, or while putting on my best Saturday clothes to go for a walk around the record shops in my part of Surrey. What better way to boost ones confidence before a date, getting ready in the bathroom than having this playing. http://youtu.be/pAEbX5gY3QM , Enjoy !
As my mother was unable to give quality advice when it came to girls, problems with others at school, or what aftershave to wear that girls would like, or could at least put them off the scent of my nervousness around them, my music was again the sage that stood in, & perked me up to form my own opinions & gain my own confidence. Yes, my sounds provided all the wise sage a young boy needed whilst growing up, & I was hungry for more of it.
The trials & tribulations of an upbringing in the wilds of Surrey, left me in no doubt that the greasy rockers of the mid-late 1950s were my heroes. I adored the bikes, the big old cars, & of course, the girls. Christine, the Stephen King movie of the 1980s, where a young lad from the suburbs turns into a greasy 1950s Rock `n ` Roller, all arrogant, chewing gum, & smoking with long black brylcream`ed hair. He purchases an old 1958 Plymouth Fury, that needs work doing to it, does it up, & it later turns out that he has car that enjoys killing people, & transforming it`s owner into a throwback to that period, whilst blasting out ` Little Richard`s - Keep A Knockin` . Incredible stuff !It is profound how much of an impression my mothers records has had on my life. I expect that also the period interests me because it`s the time period the music originates from.
To suggest that I have had no difficulties trying to understand my mothers relationship with me, would be wrong, but I can now see the trouble she has had over the years communicating with me, & it has been the music, her music that she has offered as an alternative to actual verbalisation. It was as if my mother had a notion that her records could substitute a warmth that she could not provide, that provoked her into accessing her record collection for me. I think it`s the exact same principle that allows her to enjoys paying a couple of bills for me each month. As I think back I can see how unaware they were of my intellectual needs. It`s obvious to me now how the music could, at times, take the pressure off her so that she would not have to open up any more than was necessary. It was a coping mechanism for her, & one that I enjoyed thoroughly. I was left alone to get on with it, & it grew to a mutual love relationship. My brother would get into it too, but I made it my own personal labyrinth really. Nobody, not even her, could get into a unique space I made my own, just between the records & I. That little bit of space was sacrosanct for me, & it grew. It has grown into who I am today.
It show`s itself up no where more today than when I listen to the refined power of Jazz. I can see that it was her that leaned me into my musical education. And, I guess, as she grew musically, I have followed the exact same path that she has. My father also helped, but he never left me records to `play with `. He never had any to leave me. It was my mother who left this wonderful legacy, & that I am still so proud of have on show. It has taken me a long time to refine myself to the point where I can really dig Jazz. It is such a heightened sense of modal sounds. As a child I could not fully appreciate Jazz as I do today. It was always the simpler direction of Rock & Roll, or Soul music, that I found far more applicable than the heady form of Jazz. The even more profound thing here is that it was her too, that introduced me to Jazz.
She was the one that brought to my attention Tubby Hayes, who is my favourite Jazz musician, but only of late. When I used to see her Tubby records, I knew that I would not dig it, so did not even attempt such a thing. I remember trying once but had to turn it off as it did nothing for me. It bored me. Today I see Tubby as musically very far reaching, & so damn authentic in his playing, that it borders upon the spiritual, especially the formidable, slow burner of an album, Mexican Green, on Fontana, 1969. Yet it was my mother that brought this amazing artist to my attention originally as a boy. It is this concept that I am still struggling with.
As a youth, my mother would go out of her way to see Tubby Hayes play, along with Ronnie Scott, & many other greats, at their club in Soho. She saw many more besides. In fact, a lot of Rock & Roll artists too, such as Eddie Cochran, Gene Vincent, & I have to add this here, for prosperity, Jimi Hendrix, at a local town hall, where he had to be dragged off stage for setting the curtains alight ! But, for a person to go catch a show by Jazz musicians of the calibre I am describing here, when others were listening, & getting their rocks off too The Beatles, leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of awe. She was out there listening to music which forms part of a highly evolved plane of musical understanding, that just is not for the weak. She was digging a vibration & perhaps she really did get ? Although many did not, or else the music, & the artists, would be more popular, & widely available, which they are not, sadly. At the least my mother had the emotional ability to appreciate something that would be much easier for one to assume would be above her weight. But, it tells me something far more important about her, than just her enjoyment of a superb music form; that she was, or perhaps still is, a people-pleaser. Clearly she has oppressed her intellectual abilities for a career, music, being a mother, & allowed others, like my father, but more tellingly, her own father, to dictate the terms of her life. This is a profound statement to make, but one that screams resonance with me. I think, as I write, that becoming aware of this knowledge is extremely important to me. Important because, if I am to see my childhood in a positive light, then it is imperative that I really understand why my mothers inability to communicate effectively with me has affected me the way it has. Today I can see her. I can understand that She was sharing her music with her me. It was the only way she could contact me with the amount of depth she wanted to give me, but was unable to, due to confidence issues. She did not know how to communicate her emotions effectively with me, so the music did it for her, vicariously.
The last time my mother was around I played a little Ahmad Jamal for her. As she sat here, I heard a voice, that was, up until then, alien to me. She told me how much she enjoyed such beautiful music, " Oh this is good, I like this a lot", she said, & just looked straight ahead into the wall. I was staggered by her depth, her authenticity, & her ability to express her feelings through a piece of music that I had chosen to play her. It meant so much to me that she suddenly, & so naturally, had found the ability to show me who she once was. Perhaps who she really is ? A glorious moment for me & one which has enabled me to begin trying, & wanting, to really understand this most complicated & troubled woman.
But, perhaps really, through this epiphany I have been able to understand who I am ? Perhaps being able to see into these little windows of vision in her I will be able to begin seeing that I am ultimately without her. This new awareness has left me understanding the relationship I have with my mother. Also through this awareness it would seem that I have arrived face to face with my own autonomy ?
Writing this today has come spontaneously for me. It is something that I have wanted to know about my mother. I have always suspected that music was at the root of the relationship with my mother. My mother, hopefully, you have been able to see today,through my discourse, that she has never been able to communicate her own feelings on anything that required sensitivity from her. It has been this silence from her that has caused me so much disturbance during my life. And it this reason that I have had much music around me all these years. For it has enabled me to learn, grow, & ultimately help form my own opinions in life. It has given me the strength to find my autonomy. And, it is this that I have always got from my music. My autonomy has been found through my music to help me. Whether I have done this consciously, or not, is irrelevant to me. All that matters is that I am now aware of the spiritual connection that I have always had with music.
It`s funny, come to think of it, that I have been buying so much of it recently, & it is these last few years that have been the most trying of my life, thus far. Perhaps that I have needed to buy so much of it recently is because I have needed to find some support & comfort, whilst I have been going through this transformation.
Music is life.
“It is my vow to grant protection to those who come to me saying: "I am yours" (Valmiki Ramayana 6.18.3
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