Whilst I have been hurt by my sense of loss, & inner pain, these last few years, I can see that I have made decisions that I thought, at the time, were good enough for me. Today, however, I can see that they were not.
Today, sadly, I can see that those decisions have been the greatest lessons so far. For, they put me on the path that heightened my fear, anxiety, & compounded in me a state of denial that I never knew was actually harming me. A part of me was killing myself off with bad decisions. Clearly life would of been far easier had I not made those decisions. Those previous decisions put more problems in my way than they ever solved. Let me bring some clarity to this essay.
As I was sitting here thinking about love the other day, a great conundrum for me, I wondered just how nice it would be to be able to love someone. The fact that I am not doing this right now, & have done so in the past, confuses me. Probably though this is the one thing that has driven me to know more about myself. Who was it that said that; ` When a person is trying to achieve something real & lasting, there is no room for wandering or playing, that all has to come when the thing has been achieved `. I could also choose to see today as the day that I put an end to regretting the bad decision making of the past, & began embracing new thought patterns ? As one naturally looks to find a sense of closure in situations that present problems to our growth, then one does begin to see things with mature eyes. How I see a friend, or an adversary, today is completely differently to how I would of done six months ago, & it is beneficial to see them as an aspect of yourself.
I was first introduced to this theory at University, but never took too much notice of it, until recently. It is a theory that I am now beginning to think more about as it seems a good way to get results in life. Perhaps where I felt that I had cause to regret, maybe I do not ? And I could actually be looking at a way to resolve them by realising that I do not need to worry about them if they keep returning. Past mistakes, if one can see them coming back repeatedly, should be able to understand why they happen, & therefore eliminate them. This way one can begin winning back all the good that one should of said yes to, but didn`t. Perhaps now is the time to begin applying healing to the issues & allow them to resolve themselves - let them go ?
Everything that I gave up when it came to me the first time around, that clearly was in my best interest, I rejected because I feared embracing maturity. If choices do return to us & they come round again for another chance then making correct decision in the same matter is a surety. This fills me with a positivity that is rather inspiring.
As I write my blog today, I have a deep feeling of liberation about me. I have noticed that I seem to no longer be carrying around frustration at not understanding inner pressures, which seems to be rooted in my poor decision making of the past. A lot of my poor decisions came from my childhood, & how I was expected to behave whilst growing up. Those decisions were always aimed at pleasing my father, I felt I always had to placate him, if I wanted to go it alone.
Making a living without him was a priority, & still is, even though I have not spoken to him in years. He never really had my best interests at heart. I felt cheated by him as I grew older, but, again, suppressed it all, feeling that I needed to stay attached to my father. I always thought that I would be so vulnerable without a daddy to protect me, even though he never had. I tricked myself into thinking that I had a good dad, when I had not. I also tricked myself into thinking that he was always doing positive things for me, when in fact he was doing nothing whatsoever for me. And it was this that really crashed into me some time ago, & caused me to feel so glum. I think that it was this that caused me to cease commune with him. For my own piece of mind. When I did eventually find the courage to stop talking with him we both found it difficult. I had to think of my own well-being, & detach myself from him, because I was so angry with him, but more myself, for expecting so much from him. Unlike me today, he is a man that is unable to give freely of himself, but naturally, he was a man that I was also very much like, which is why I was so unhappy. His stuff sat too heavily on my own unique & beautiful soul.
I was angry because he neglected, & could not be bothered with me, & used me for his own gain. It is this anger that has burnt me up, & caused decisions that would eventually lead to self-harming He was arrogant, but I loved him, & needed him, but he would simply not allow me any part of him, so eventually I became ill. I began to do things to myself that would cause long-term problems to my, career, love life, & financial security. Not conventional harming such as drugs, alcohol, or abusive relationships, just a kind of inner fear & guilt that crippled me from doing what I wanted to with my life. `Harm by neglect` is one way that I would describe it. He never came when I called him. Perhaps he didn`t hear me, but I still feel that he chose not to do anything, after I became ` old enough`. He blocked his ears to my cries of despair, & fear. He stayed away from me when I needed him. When I lost my brother, in less than a year he had left the country to live the other side of it, with another family.
Of course, it is easy for me to see now that my anger came from my fathers neglectfulness. This is how he treated me, & it is for this reason that I became so angry & afraid at not having a masculine figure to run to if I became frightened. Upon reflection, today, as I write to you, I can see clearly that I have won back my masculinity, & have applied it effectively to my own life, & brought about success. All without him. Yes, it does feel good, but I also feel have a sense of sadness that he is not around to share this elation with me, nor is he any part of it either.
Anger is destructive to our self motivation & confidence. The more we suppress it the more damage it does. Our ability to love, move forward, do good, all become affected. It acts like some kind of self-sabotaging monster, that does not want us to feel motivated, focused, & vital. Anger is destructive & nasty if it is not channelled with maturity, & correctly.
R, a friend of mine was beaten to a pulp by her boyfriend last week, & it really shook me up. When she told me I was shocked because she is my friend, & I like her very much. She is also a fun, kind, & beautiful soul. Naturally, as a man, & her friend, I thought about becoming involved to help her out, but later decided against it. I felt it would be wrong of me to do anything physical to help her, as it could endanger even more, when I would not be there to protect her. I am fully aware of all the facts, & she knew her karma was at stake. Any intervention on my part could of been disastrous for her in the short term. Being beaten is unjustifiable, in any shape or form, & I wish it had not happened to her. It made me angry that it had happened. It is ghastly that this shit happens to people everywhere.
Through this horrible situation I could see her issues around self-abuse, & how anger had been at the root of all my own past issues. It left me thinking just how confusing, dense, cruel, anger is, & how anger presents itself in so many different guises. It truly is Trickster dynamic.
My own previously suppressed anger was represented by what my friends story, & it scared me. This energy has caused so much anxiety & fear in me. It also caused me illnesses too; migraines, bad backs, & aches. R`s story made me sad, because, even though she may of been angry, reactionary, or even vindictive towards her partner, no person deserves to be on the end of a beating, that has broken her nose, & her spirit. There is no justification for anger, when it becomes out of control. I expect, as a I write, that my own previous ways of suppressing anger goes back to the confusion around my fathers lack of personal responsibility.
When it came to owning his anger he made it impossible for me to feel secure at home, & at school. Thanks to my friend, & her misery, I can see that I have been able to understand my father & his repressed anger, & the part it played in my own upbringing.
I think that today, because of her, I can make sense of it all. I can see anger in others now, & the suspicion it arises in me. The puzzling, strained ways it causes in others when one feels uncomfortable around them. More importantly though, I can see the immense part anger has played in my life, & the insecurity it has caused.
Without the immense weight of anger covering up all parts of my life, & the people that have entered my space can be given a real, genuine chance to flourish. That people can come into my life now, & feel confident sharing part of themselves with me without feeling on edge around me, is a terrific indication of the positive path I am now on .
Thanks for reading, it means so much.
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