Why do we insist on putting ourselves in the path of situations, & people, that are hopelessly unacceptable for us ? Is is because we feel we have to continue reliving some aspect of our childhood ? Or perhaps because we feel that this is all were worth ?
All we are worth ? That sounds desperate. Yet, it`s an issue that I am dealing with today, & I thought that I would share with you the depth of a predicament that has had to pop up right now as I am ready to begin a relationship with the feminine again, but I think that I needed to be tested. Every traveller needs a sign that he is on the right road. If he gets lost he is not reading the signs that are there. Which is why things will continuously repeat themselves until we get it. Or, as in my case, one, in despair, decides to stop, take time out to try & burn through issues that stop genuine connections with beautiful, authentic people being. Connections that are not a projection.
I recently met someone, & finally got to have a chat with her late last Friday evening. The first time in months of emailing. When I finally got off the blower, I was completely drained, but disappointed, & angry with myself too. We had been emailing for a few months, really putting down some good communication. She was using my emails as a way of finding the courage to leave her violent ex, & I did`nt mind for a whole host of reasons, one being; that I was enjoying the space she was allowing me to express myself, psychologically, & emotionally. The situation, was becoming an enjoyable pastime, but after the actual chat we had, I came away not liking her. I suppose, during the emailing I had begun to like her reactions to my annotations. Then came Friday & she left me cold.
Everything had been going relatively well, although a few times I felt unheard, tramped on, & spoke over. Then just before we ended the conversation, she dropped a real humdinger. She told me that she had begun dating someone since she had left her ex. I was staggered, as I saw another example of her utter thoughtlessness when it cam to another person, namely me. Here I had been for months sharing parts of myself, opening up, & of course, enjoying her space, but never did I think that she was telling me this to get me going, you know, make me squirm a bit. Either way, for someone with integrity, I found I myself feeling disappointed & let down by her. In defence of myself I heard myself saying that I was a bit long in the tooth for all this & walking away shaking my head. Later it felt as though I had been talking to a 23 year old. She came across as stupid, & controlling, especially after the depth of conversations that we had already achieved between us. After I had got off the phone I knew that I would`nt meet her the following Tuesday. The arrangement we had made I would just cancel, but I really wanted to know that I was doing the correct thing before I did actually tell her. So I just left it to percolate through me over the weekend, & now my back is aching, always a sign that things are not sitting well within me. I even had a peek at the Tarot cards last night, & they suggested that once I deal with her, things will get better again. Although, I don`t even feel like cancelling, I just want to forget about her. Naturally, I feel disappointed at her attitude, but not as disappointed as I am sure I would feel once I opened my heart to her. This blog would then turn into one on self-harming through degrading relations with controlling women, Ha !
This situation is not really that important to me now, but what it represents is. Just like my awful experience whilst volunteering at the temple last week, I have came away from the situation feeling negative, & trying to maintain my self respect by trying to re-gain my self-empowerment & deciding to live without her, & the temple. One does not need a temple in their life to learn about Spirituality, any more than one needs a bad character in it. It`s just an outmoded attitude that dates back to before the Roman Empire.
Although, what does hark back to my own past, & it feels as ancient as the Roman Empire, is the feeling I get from renouncing people, & situations, that cause me distress. In my well-worn eyes, there is little chance in anyone changing in the immediacy so I don`t bother trying to see through them. Why should I when they are exercising their own lack of integrity towards me ? If someone has shown no restrain towards me when the opportunity to present themselves in a beautiful light. To this type a persons integrity is as just another opportunities to make themselves feel good at another`s expense? This is what happened to me when a career opportunity presented itself once, & my potential employers did not believe that I would change either, but I have, & I have learnt. So can she ? Should I take the chance ? So far she has not shown herself in a good light. In fact, she has harmed herself tremendously in my eyes. Her self-harming has set her back because I think that if someone has the courage to take a chance on me, than I will honour them deeply, but if a person begins acting stupid, then it`s me that is self-harming, & I should indeed stay away, as they are setting up a chain of events that will end in misery.
In the aforementioned situation, I went away & took out two years of my life to reflect upon what I had done to myself, why I had done such a thing, & how I could learn lessons that would teach me never to do such a thing again. Two years it took, but I do not think that this person could do this, & I certainly will not be hanging on for her to sort herself out. Although, I would respect her if she thought herself good enough to do such a thing.
What I am really trying to put across here is that I am ready to embrace an authentic relationship with a like-minded person, someone who is intelligent & mature.. Not fools that, given half a chance, can`t help themselves playing up, like a child. I deserve an authentic relations. I feel as though I have done enough work upon myself now to have the space in me to embrace love. What this woman has taught me is that this type of person person has much to learn about themselves, & whether they get themselves together in the future is utterly irrelevant to me, because it is important that a man of integrity does not wait for her. I feel together today, & I will no longer wait for anybody that is not ready for me. I stopped talking to my father because of poor behaviour off others, so I am certainly not going to put up with childish nonsense off somoene I hardly know.
During this enlightening lesson I have seen that my self-respect will not allow me to have anybody in my life that cannot behave correctly, or treat me with courtesy & respect. If I do have this type around, as I have done in the past, they will just drain me & need placating all the time, & then I will have to watch myself, because if they don`t get this expected flattery their passive aggression will smash me into next week. I do not want to wait until the ends of the earth for them to bring nothing to the table, like some Forest Gump type character, hanging on for the never-never. Only the other day a friend came around to see me. I looked forward to it all day, & when he arrived, much later than we had arranged, he told me that he could only stay for literally a few minutes. This was the first time that this issue dawned on me. I thought to myself , if I allow such rude behaviour, & do not set a boundary, I will become the brunt of all his arrogance. It is self-harming to allow such behaviour to be inflicted upon oneself. Just as it is having someone trying to control you.
This sixth sense, I suppose you could call it, has enabled me to see the potential for harm in a person. It has originated from atavistic tendency in me from the familial lineage, I guess ? Although, I feel proud that I have been able to see this today, as it shows me that I have indeed grown out of very old self-harming patterns of behaviour that have obstructed me from authenticity. What this means is that I am actually ready, & refined enough, to begin an authentic relationship with a real person. This trickster woman has come to show me that I am ready, & it has been her inappropriate attitude toward me that has shown me this. The process of Solutio has indeed arrived, & it will all be worth it very very soon.
It was only Saturday night, whilst alone, & contented, that I wrote my last blog explaining how, when the intrepid traveller is ready, he will come across the guile of the trickster, & if he does not spot it, then he will get himself into serious trouble. My own issue surrounding this blog has been about poor quality women. I can see that this woman has represented the trickster in my own life right now. I am obviously ready to meet somebody, & can see that. I can discern between a fool, & a good person now, which is empowering within itself. It is incredibly important to be aware of this knowledge. It is equally enlightening being able to spot & reject a trickster. One could even be as bold as to suggest that by rejecting trickster, a better quality woman should now arrive & enter my personal, spiritual, environment.
Whilst it can extremely difficult to reject something that one feels is available, even though it is beneath them, & even when they are being bullied & used by the trickster. Renouncing something can later cause bitter regret, so it is extremely important to be confident of what one is letting go of first. The trickster will damage confidence if they can. If they can see the smallest opportunity to harm, or humiliate, they will, & make it out to be your fault or someone else`s. Trickster is a bully, & needs the weak & the deranged to function, to cope. The healthy person can easily see through this level of personality. For if one knows what they are doing around trickster they will not have to take risks going out with the wrong type. If one would only just take out a little time from relationships & learn to love themselves they would eventually attract a better quality of person enter their life, & not continuously waste it on the type that only arouse suspicion, frighten, or harm. They would also become enlightened, & eventually attract in their equal. Just as one does when one is ill.
When I was a child I used to really want to leave school, & go to work, like some of the local rougher boys, I was not allowed to associate with. Today I can see that those rough boys are down at the job centre, & some are dead. What I have been doing these last few years, whilst everyone else has got on with their lives, is going through a process of emotional refinement. I have stayed away from embracing love, because I knew that it would not be love, it would be trickery, or even worse, it would be harmful. I knew that I had to refine myself to a high level if I was ever going to get on in my life. I have felt alone because of this process of percolation, but it has been essential work for me, for any person, in fact, that enjoys the finer things in life. I had to educate myself further in the ways of spirit, just as the Alchemist does, so as to be able to recognise other forms of refinement. This woman could never give me the best, or even anything near it. Although she has taught me in the ways of trickster.
Trickster brings clarity, but one can only be versed in it`s manipulative ways by experiencing it hateful & manipulative ways. I needed to be tested by trickster. It was essential that I was made aware of trickster energy in my life, before my true self could be opened up. If I had become entangled up in trickster, this Kali, energy without knowing what it was, then I would be thrown back to the pits of devolution by her. There is no long-term within this level of trickster degradation. This woman was my test, & I guess I have passed it knowing that I now have such formative knowledge on it ? Either way it`s a relief working out who the trickster was this time.
Trickster will always come just before the positive can be heralded in. Trickster is always a phenomenally negative sign, but we need her to come along so that we know that better is around the corner.
No tricksters here, this is real. As real as Tubby Hayes.
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