It was a friend that suggested this to me some time ago. He mentioned over supper one evening that he felt my parents had done an excellent job of helping me structure a good personality. A personality that enabled others to feel comfortable & settled in the company of. I mentioned at the time that perhaps that this was just the work I had done on myself. But he disagreed, adding that this could not be because of the trouble I have had with them has been about my own internal struggles. My fathers legacy upon my psyche. This did not really register with me at the time, yet has done today, two months later. Incidentally I have not seen my friend in all this time, neither have I had the opportunity to thank him. So I should do really. His profound insight has enabled me to turn a corner. Let something go. So I am grateful to him for his insight. A profound comment, & heartfelt too.
What my friend told me that evening in Soho meant a lot to me. Although, many people over the years have put themselves into this position & jeopardised our friendship. Or perhaps said something that I have not liked & I have just dropped them & walked away. In fact, when I would do it in the past I derived a certain sense of pleasure from it. George Orwell said ` That the glow of renunciation never lasts long `, & I think that he is right. Because after a while I would feel the pain of loss. Which would indeed cause me to pine & have difficulty letting them go in energetic terms. This would also happen within other situations too. I would make a decision then later regret it. Although I do not with my father. I do miss having a dad at times but I would not want him back as he was. I find it terribly difficult to allow someone a second chance with me, but I am beginning to realise that this can also be quite self-limiting. If a person continues to screw up, like my father does towards me, then it is sensible to cut off ties, no matter how long or intimate the connection has been. If a person can only harm then they have to go. An incompatible person is disastrous, & will cause terrible problems when it come to self-improvement, & progression.
I did not agree with my friends behaviour towards me, but on the other hand, he has given me so much else, insight, education & honesty, just some of the other traits that he has. I could even say that he is more rounded that I, as he has been in regular employment, functions in his capacity as a father, & is married. I am none of those things, & function, happily in a far more insular world. Meaning that I have much more time to think things through, & come up with certain conclusions about him. That perhaps in an alternative environment would mean something completely different to me ? I also feel that the recipient of my behaviour feels sad too at his loss of me. It is as though that person would see me as childish or stubborn. Does this matter ?
It seems as though it is all about setting personal standards in my life. I do not want someone to behave in this way, but at the same time they have positive attributes too. As this situation gets complex it is easier to see that it is about me adapting & accepting people have their faults. Of course having a destructive, arrogant, troubled person continually around is self-harming. An issue. But I think that it is wise also to understand that one should have friends that are varied. If I can begin to understand that everyone is different & will not be perfect for me every time, then I will be able to break away from isolation & become more rounded. This is what one expects from their life partner, but not from individual friends. Individual friends are exactly that & represent different aspects of myself. Not the whole of me. Within the the friend their will be the essence that attracted us together than the rest will be the actual person. Just as this is the case with my friend. The actual element that pulled us together was our music, & this should not be forgotten. It should be remembered at all costs. My friend, rightly or wrongly, should not have behaved in this way, but I can understand why he did it,. Although I myself would have treated him differently had I been in the same situation. This does not make my friend wrong, or even misguided, just something that I personally did not like. I did not like being rejected on the off chance that I should jeopardise his position at work. It shows selfishness & or fear, within his personality. But because I was hurt, understandably because he did not explain his reasoning, I became confused & then upset.
It is just this confusion that has instilled in me this ability to self-preserve & cut the other off. I did it recently with someone that I met. We had been communicating via email, over a long period, as she lived in another part of the country. I liked he company, she seemed intelligent & articulate, but also fun too. She had a kinky instinct for saying the right things at the right time. I enjoyed conversing with her & looked forward to her emails at the end of every other day, or so. We swapped music, laughed, & I suspect tears too. The emails were authentic, real & heartfelt, on both parts. Our communication went on for some months before we actually spoke on the phone, & we had been extremely open with each other. So I was slightly nervous, but anticipatory too about our chat. It was a step closer to actually meeting up since our initial meeting several months earlier.
When we eventually spoke, on the Friday evening, I could not believe what I heard. We chatted for around an hour, & I had to take a deep breath, & bite my tongue when she told me she was already seeing someone. I was shocked. We had been conversing all this time, about us, her personal situation with an ex she was breaking up with, her son, family & what she expected out of life. She had even invited me to stay with her, & then when we finally got to speak, she began telling me about some guy she had been seeing these last couple of months. She even had the audacity to ask my advice about him at one stage ! I felt angry, & hurt by this outburst. She had not been straight with me, she had lied, & it was this that hit me hardest.
Thought I`d write about it, get it out the system.
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