You may remember at some stage last week, I expressed that my work situation was not ideal, & that I was frustrated working with some very aggressive & inexperienced people. Well, it all came to a head this morning, but not before I sent an email to a colleague Wednesday stating how shabby & vulnerable management decisions were leaving me feeling. I mentioned on top of this that the colleague I work closely with was really making some ridiculous & downright dangerous decisions, that were not only damaging to him, but to me & everyone else that works there too. I stated the law when I said that had the child he assaulted been from a better background my colleague would of been arrested, his own child taken into care, the manager who employs him may well of had his licence revoked, & the place may of been temporarily shut down. This is not even taking into account recent licencing issues that have been down to this managers poor decision making. The colleague who I sent the email sent it onto another manager who is dealing with it now. In the mean time I took time off, as I knew it would be difficult for me to work under those conditions.
I had become very very upset & frustrated with every direction that I went in there. My immediate security boss kept providing me with such poor quality staff, that it was not only embarrassing, but, once again, dangerous. It is the same old saga here, me not wanting to feel vulnerable, & doing everything I can to remain safe & away from idiotic decision making. My standards cannot be met being around people like this. The staff are so young that recklessness does spill out onto others all the time & does cause me problems, far too many to mention here. This is coupled with poor quality team members who do not allow for good practise. I am continually finding myself not being able to do my job to a good standard. The manager of the place lacks so much experience with people that, again, decisions are poorly made, & this undermines everyone`s moral. The overall manager does not realise that everyone keeps berating him behind his back, yet not one person will be honest with him. Some said that my colleague should not of sent my email to a middle manager, but I disagreed. I am pleased that he has done this, & he did not go behind my back, he asked me beforehand.
In despair, before standing down today, using the sensible decision of taking this week off, I went to chant at the Temple in Soho last night. It brought me comfort, as I had no one to talk with. I ended up discussing with a monk whilst I was there, my predicament. It was a wonderful experience. It helped me put things into a proper perspective & realise that this issue is about me, & not anyone else. He showed me that the best we can do when things are so difficult is to bring a quality level of Consciousness to a poor situation. To show others how things should be done & that is all one can do. He called it Krishna Consciousness & it made me feel confident to know that someone had heard me. This is exactly what I have been trying to do ever since I realised that I would be leaving when things begun falling apart & imploding. I peaked with great positivity, realising why I was there, yet knew that my time to leave would present itself when things began to harm me from an internal place. This is exactly what is happening now. I have left a feeling of elation for those that valued my presence & tried to instil sounder work ethics. I proved this by cleaning up the place when I arrived there by implementing boundaries & self-respect. It worked & the venue became safer, & a more enriched, enjoyable place. Now due to what has happened recently I can see that this has, or soon will be, all undone & old values will creep back. That is of course, if my email is not taken notice of. I am not suggesting that I am right, but seeing what I did see, & the decisions that were being made, by whom, I can see that old habits will return if it is not taken any notice.
Returning to work is very new to me. For I have lived through a depression for many years since my brother died. In some ways I just managed to survive. Sometimes it was so bad I could hardly move, other times, I felt fine, but always so lonely, & what made me feel worse was that due to how I look, very few people would take me seriously, or even believe that I was ill. As I tried to maintain a routine of sorts, I would go to the gym everyday & as the depression became less, I would refine my diet accordingly, so I knew I always looked good on the outside. But, work was off the agenda, as I could hardly find the gumption to write, let alone actually go out to work. All I ever did was a few odd security jobs to keep myself afloat. It really was a meek existence, just staving off loneliness & vulnerability kept me busy enough. Staying secure was paramount. Certainly there was never room for a partner, so I stayed alone in my home. I became insular, quiet, & without confidence, afraid, really. All I ever did was educate myself in favourite subjects, Psychology, Psychoanalysis, Philosophy & literature, music, etc. In fact, all the subjects I had always wanted to learn as a boy, but could not due to my not having overly sensitive or understanding parents. These were subjects that would have to be put off until I was older. In the short term, the thing that got in my way was the constant fending off of rows, my mothers depression, & my parents symbiotic relationship toward each other, was enough to be contending with. Let alone worrying about my education, sadly. Which, naturally, suffered at the hands of my parents lack of encouragement & support for me. They never had much ambition for themselves, so could not for me, other than the usual fatuous requests for me to do something worthwhile that they could both benefit from, such as a car mechanic, or trades person. At times my father would verse me in the benefits of becoming a carpenter, & later a sign-writer, but eventually settling on painting, as it was easiest & would shut them up. The problem was is that due to their lack of depth & honesty, I really did not know that the aforementioned subject were of any interest to me. It was only when I went to Richmond College to study Scenic Design that I met others that were indeed studying such interesting subjects. It was then that I was able to begin a personal reading list & begin educating myself, as my father would never of paid for me to go there & learn the soft sciences. Everything had to be on his terms, or he would not bother. When he finally left to pursue new nadirs I was glad to see the back of him.
So, returning to work has been rather enlightening for me. In fact, so much so, that I can honestly say that my confidence has grown immensely. I did not realise how much I had come on. Nor did I realise that I had the ability to lead others too. It is true that I have stepped down, but this is only temporarily. It may mean that I will not return to my present position, but I will now find alternative employment elsewhere. It is not even a question that I will return to my cave, the ivory tower that was once my home. That will never happen again. for my home now is one that is a representative of who I have become in these last few months. During this time of returning to work it has completely transformed me, & this has filtered down into my beloved record collection & the decoration of the flat too. So there are many things that I want to do at the moment. I want to relax & enjoy this new environment for a couple of weeks. Just be away from this recent predicament, it is of little value just thinking about it all the time.
Although there are no guarantees, I feel extremely positive & focused on having another attempt at achieving my previously failed attempt at my choice of career. It is one that I have always wanted to do, but sadly, I was stopped from achieving this ambition two years ago. Which is a separate story, & a long & arduous one too. I know that what a man sets his heart too, he will undoubtedly achieve.
No, what I think about this present work related situation at my present work place is that there are certain things that must be put in place if it is to succeed. I really want it too, as it is the first work place that I have returned to since becoming a healthy man again, & because of that I respect it immensely. But, right now there is so much that are causing me problems & obstructing how I do my job. I do not profess to be the best at my job, but I do have experience & my knowledge has helped me achieve many other goals in my life. Also, the fact that I am being asked to return to the place says a lot. It confirms my self-belief.
As when any of us go through challenging transformations, or rebirths, we have a tendency to feel vulnerable. I certainly do today. The prospect of no regular money or external stimulations. Of course, there are many things about the place that I am glad are over, but a few, like the better quality people that worked there I will miss. I am not even sure if it is all over there for me. But, right now it is. As with all situations that are surrounded with immaturity there is always a culture of denial running through it, & when you have such an environment challenged there will be always be resentment & hostility toward the light bringer. So it is wise to stay away. I think, also, that it shows maturity. Maturity for a person to make a decision & stand by it. If one feels it is the correct thing to do then one should do that, it is self-respect. I am also pleased that I have met such lovely people to.
My friend, I shall call Dee, communicates with me. When I email her, & share parts of myself, she returns my emails, not always immediately, but always within a couple of days time, & we have only just met. This is down to Dees maturity.When a lack of communication breaks down within a situation it is down to immaturity. This is an enlightenment for me as this enables me to see the whole issue clearly. I have not been able to see a solution to my issue, with work & my career.due to my `up-closeness` ( Colin Wilson`s term, not mine ). Simply put, I was not mature enough to find the gumption to want a career, & due to my return to work I can see that I have matured. My depression was down to a lack of awareness in matters of personal responsibility. Because of this, no more will I be putting myself into positions that are dangerous, or allowing others to become precarious due to my recklessness. I can see now that I could have a career with my present levels of maturity, & that I could maintain myself within in it too. I can have a relationship, & not be scared to open up & be real. I am good enough now. For I am ready to be tested in matters of work & career. Perhaps in matters of the heart too, the direction, & speed, things are moving in .
It is truly fascinating to see ones life unfold the moment one moves away from a difficult situation that needs little more time spent upon it, pondering on whether one needs to be there & what one can get out of it in terms of lessons & karma. Hanging on obstructs progression. Once one leaves behind all things that serve no value then one can move to the next stage of their life.
Thus far, I have tried to work at my life as an Alchemist. Not in the religious sense of the word, but more as as a process of integration as I have gone along. Never have I followed a religious or a dogmatic path, for this would be wrong & against the grain of how I live my life. This ascetic road has had its frustrations. For I have seen others get on with their careers, build families & enjoy their children, money even. It is this that has been a constant challenge. As I got older it has been an issue that constantly nags at me; " Am I wasting my life, should I just get on with all things material & have done with it ? " Yet, how I have always felt about this is that I should embrace my destiny. Just accept it & know that my life is headed in the direction of personal success. When I look at the quality of my home now, receiving an email from Dee, thinking about the email I sent to my colleague & pondering on the outcome, or my record collection, I know that really I should be more confident in believing that I am making the correct choices for my life.
Up until now I never really felt good enough. My parents were not wholly supportive, nor were they massively aware of the benefits of an education. They tended to have a very working class attitude to education & self-improvement. My mother still does to a point, but has become far more refined than she ever was before. Which I guess comes with age. My father I really cannot comment on as we have not spoken to each other for a few years, but my hunch is that he is probably still the same as he ever was, narcissistic. But, through allowing self-awareness & maturity to evolve within me, & believe in my decisions, I can begin to see that I have worked hard on myself to beat depression & find happiness again. So when something is upsetting me & causing me consternation, it is vital to let it go. For far too long I have held onto this upset & it has caused me such misery. Perhaps it is appropriate to leave it here & leave with you an image I saw in a dream a few night ago. In the reception area of my last attempt to begin a career, I rose out of myself just like an Egyption god. Hands were pointed upwards, whilst my arms were bent at the elbows. I was blond, tanned & formidable.
Thank you for reading my blog today
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