Today is a very important day for me. It represents the start of a new phase in my life, my confidence, & my alchemy.
As a man who has been monitoring the emotional progression of his personal development, for a few years now, I have recently felt something very significant taking place; I have become authentic. Each of us have triggers that enable us to start a new growth spurt in our emotional growth, much the same way a teenager during physical growth. A profound levitation from one emotional phase to another took place last weekend.
I had received a highly sought after Jazz album in the post, dating from the 1960s, that I had bought online. After playing it I realised that something rather profound had happened to me. I was actually feeling, on a much higher level than I had ever before, what the musician was putting across. It was gorgeous, ethereal, really out there, spiritual even. I was completely knocked out. After remaining within this highly elevated state for sometime I began to meditate on communication. Then what really hit me, what really shone through, was a lack of communication with other people. I realised at that moment that I had never been able to really express myself until now. Not through ignorance, but confidence. I had, all my life, not felt certain enough of myself to say the things that I really wanted to. I am not discussing idiocy, or immature nonsense, but honesty. The musician was channelling his authenticity, his honesty, to me, & I heard it. I got it. I knew what the point was, all in that one moment; maturity.
As a man of music & art, feelings, I knew that I had stumbled upon something great within myself. That I had begun to sense what it is like to be a man. I realised that the music was transmogrifying within me, & allowing me glimpses of my own gold. I thought, the density is thinning now, & I must be progressing at last. Even this morning, allowing myself to open a blog, & reach out to others to communicate with, screamed liberation.
Before I would become frustrated at my lack of progress, deny myself the beauty of realisation, & project my anger outwards, onto those I would see as weak & deranged. So harmful, immature, & hurtful to others who know little, if anything, of what is happening to them, when another projects there anger onto them. My confidence was too small to allow me to see how detached & childish I had become within myself. Having this epiphany through music was so typical of the patterns & cycles my life has taken. An ever growing support mechanism within my life. A citadel for me, ever since I was a boy. Music consistently provided me with comfort. Always been there for me whenever I needed it, plying me with protection, warmth, & as I got older, security.
Growing up in Surrey, was a rather lonely place for me. I would take comfort within my isolation, which reinforced my aloneness, eventually culminating in a massive lack of confidence. Naturally, due to this, I grew up alone & with a feeling of lack. I also grew up frightened, never finding the gumption to seize vitality, or even fun. Music became my bedrock. There were other interests too, such as literature, art, & other cultures, but musical sounds was the thing for me. It was these sounds that gave me an inspiration to write, so as to be able to communicate with others, but, sadly, I never found the confidence to to do this just in case I ridiculed. Perhaps because of the silence that resonated from my parents, & their complete lack of support of anything that would secure an exciting future, I too cut myself off from life-force, & hid away ?
Being heralded off to the wilds of deepest Surrey, at the tender age of 12, from an established environment, with a complete fully functioning social infrastructure, did not help much either. The stupidity of taking a child away from a productive & nurturing environment is not only overwhelming in it`s ignorance, but it also shows a complete lack of respect, or understand, for the plight of children, & their vulnerabilities. Not being able to empathise with the anxiety that will be caused by upheaval, is bordering on criminal. This I believe has been the cause of a whole host of other emotional difficulties I experienced growing up, that did indeed show themselves long into my adulthood.
What I have learned recently is that I really do have a voice, & it is imperative for my well-being that I begin verbalising with others. It has taken time to find confidence, to continue my journey of alchemy, & to begin feeling strong again. There have been times when I have wondered if it is all really worth it. But today, here with my blog, speaking with you, I think it is.
For, depression is, not only an unhelpful word, it is also another term for loneliness. It is also the frustration of not allowing authenticity to percolate through. It could be the density of unrefined emotions which neuter out love & sensitivity toward ourselves, that frighten us, & cause us to shut down & hide away from others.
I, myself, went through a massive campaign of self-destruction. Not communicating with others honestly was something that I embraced with great gusto. For a long time I promoted the effects of loneliness, praising the ascetic life, & looking down my nose at anyone who was happy. I would get awfully constrictive & self-righteous with others, cutting them off, especially if someone showed me respect, or even, any type of interest. However, it never occurred to me that perhaps all I was doing was cutting myself off from others & compounding my own sense of isolation & helplessness, suffering alone, & in denial. Too afraid to ask for help.
The epiphany that began my blog this morning is resonating with greater & greater clarity. Many wonderful things are beginning to manifest, & there is magic in the air again. Mystical vibrations are shimmering. They have not always been noticed, & when they were, they were rejected outright as silly psychic nonsense, but now my love of all that is illogical, flowing, is gaining momentum. My stature is growing, & I am feeling like a citadel within my masculinity, strong, quiet, able, & with enough self-respect that allows space for others to join me. Just opening up a blog,& speaking to you today, is enlivening me, infusing in me an intensity never experienced before. Inviting you to communicate, talk with me, is an immense leap forward for my self-confidence, & I thank you.
Thank you for reading
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