Today, I will begin writing about loving oneself wholeheartedly. It feels correct to write about such things today.
During meditation this morning I began to feel a presence entering my vision. In the distance I could see a man entering a white space, on allowing him to enter my peripheral vision, I could see that the apparition took the shape of a large, strong man. I felt, instinctively that this person could be relied upon to contain himself & his emotions, to be a benefit to others. The feelings were strong & I knew that I was beginning to see a picture emerging of someone familiar. Then I got quite a shock, I was looking at myself, who I am today. An apparition of the highest order that needed little introduction, just some love. I then began to feel that all I ever needed was beginning to reveal itself to me, that I could now, at last, give myself the life that I truly desire. That I can too have the wonderful things that I crave at this stage of my existence, like a beautiful woman, the truest human representation of ones soul as my life partner. Financial security, too, so that we can feels able to find our natural rhythms together & not be bogged down with unnatural concerns of lack. And of course, a great healthy career. Also that I can have a higher form of spirituality in my life that embraces all that is worthy & rich. I really do believe in love between two people, & a devotion to a higher form of existence.
I am expressing this today because I do not feel satisfied with the way my life is materially at the moment. I thrive very much in the workplace, solving problems, & coming up with solutions, but it has to be the right workplace, for it to be of any benefit too me. For many years I was a person who simply did not believe in himself enough, or know how to go about attracting in what was needed. Alone was something that I felt aligned too, but could never put my finger on why. So discovering this wisdom & mature thinking today is helping me clear the path old karmic patterns that have kept me a stranger from who I really am. Just writing this, knowing that you are reading it, fills me with a sense of awe. Probably the image I saw in meditation is a sign of my progression. If I were more enlightened perhaps I may even see myself as a separate entity, something outside of myself, a deity perhaps. Today though he represents who I am, a person who can share their emotions with others, reach out & see ignorance, yet not allow it into my life. And when it is there find the courage to walk away from it, leaving aggression well alone. A slow burning emotion that brings nothing but more of itself. I do not have to feel anger with those that are angry with me because all they are doing is projecting their nonsense onto me, their baggage. It is exactly this that I have had to realise was the problem I have had all along. Thinking that my parents needed to be blamed, when all along it was just me not being aware that I could let it all go, & ignore them if I had wanted too, but I chose, because of my anger, to stay & fight them; folly. My slow progression was all that held me back, not my parents. I thought that I needed so much from them, but I do not. What I have realised is that they are unable to provide me with what I need, when all along I had not realised that I actually possess the very thing that I wanted from them; love. I now no longer need attention from others, & it is easy for me to see that I am loved dearly by others now. Need is the one thing that will cause me to become vulnerable again, should I allow it to rise in me again. Due to my neediness, by my own hand, I ended up becoming a receptacle for others pleasure. It was this degradation that put me on the low path that took so long to rise up from. Then, as I have explained in other blogs, losing a significant person to an unbelievably horrific car accident, pretty much did the rest.
So, this leads me quite naturally onto explaining how I have recently been able to recover my self-respect & find courage again so that I can continue along my path, & staying away from those that give so little. When I had little self -respect, or bravery to confront deeper issues, I would find myself unconsciously drifting towards people that would give so little. By allowing entry of these people into my life I would give them free reign to abuse my hospitality for their own titillation, or use me up as fair game. One particular person I would like to berate, but do not have the gumption to do so, would actually turn up in the middle of the night demanding to come in. Sadly I would do as he asked & would let him into take from me. This madness continued until he had had enough, not the other way around. Just thinking about this, or even writing it, fills me with such sorrow that I allowed myself to experience so much damage, & all in the name of neediness. It is sad that we should do this to ourselves. These days when I think about people that want to enter my life I feel much more confident of my boundaries. I know that I can say no to a person now. This fills me with confidence that I an now attracting to me healthy people that function as I do, & want to be close. I am also happy that a person would like to come in & meet me, that have things of value to share with another. It is the confidence that has grown up in me that allows such humility to evolve. Anger is an obstruction to love, & all positive growth. It will stop many things from taking their rightful place within a person, & putting off quality growth. Anger is indeed a terrible affliction to carry around, & is not a positive emotion if it is left to rot & putrefy within ones system. If a person can take their anger & utilise it into something positive such as a business, or gym work, for example, then that person will bring about wonderful new growth surges in themselves. I have noticed a big difference in how I relate to others. Others that seem as though they are spoiling for a fight, aggressive, or angry types. Only yesterday a shop assistant turned on me by telling me off for something or other, after they had made a mistake with their prices. I actually thought she was joking, but ,upon reflection, I could see that she had taken issues of insecurity & projected them onto me. Later upon reflection I could see the reason for this; I needed to know that it is not always me that is to blame, & that others will bring rubbish to your door. My maturity as a man was what was being tested there. My karma would have to direct the situation. I wanted to complain, but my instincts refused to allow this, preferring to understand this new mature approach to resolving issues. The same day, just before the previous scenario, I ran into another old adversary; A chap that has taught me much about my own levels of aggression & defensiveness. Someone that I had many issues with. I bumped into him & he actually held a door open for me ! He, perhaps could also see that I was no longer the man I once was, or I should say, the boy, really, that I once was ? It does feel honest for me to report to you that I am no longer projecting my issues onto others. Full responsibility in owning my stuff is what I am trying hard to achieve now, or at least trying my damnedest too. No wonder people would get defencive around me, I think that they felt that a big man could be likely to project unresolved issues around hurt, anger, & humiliation onto them. That`s scary for anyone, I am a big man. Come to think of it, this may be why my good friend A is now seeing me in a completely different light these days ? He seems more relaxed around me these days. I think that perhaps many other people are too. But, this is not about anyone else it is about me, & this is why I have needed to change my ways of interacting with others. An issue that has clearly held me back from others. It is also what is allowing me to refine myself & build on what I have, so that my life can become more fulfilling.
So, what does this say about who I am today ? For many years I have been putting myself into situations that are simply not good enough. And I have been attracted to people that would not give of themselves, yet they, like myself, would take a great deal from me. I could see that yet again this was another old wound that was getting in the way, & then would hold me back from opening up to a better, more fulfilling way of life, & not just going over old karma, repeating the story, as most do, not wanting to confront anything. The time had come for me to stop blaming my parents, in fact, anyone. By implementing such a value I could allow myself the pleasure of taking responsibility for my actions. I had too grow up & open my eyes. The illusion began with my father. I used to feel as though I should placate him, or else he would get moody with me, then this would make me feel uncomfortable. He never did this consciously, in fact if he had of been aware of this then I am sure that I would not of taken any notice of him, but, like all people of ignorance it was done unconsciously. At the time I never understood all this, but today I do, & see myself as the more enlightened man. So that I can, & am determined to continue, rising above his influence upon me. Letting it go. This seems like natural progression.
Now, as I said in one of my earlier blogs, I am done with blaming others. I want no more being a part of a process which holds me back from living a fuller, more rounded life. I am no longer wanting to even make excuses for my parents, I just want to let go of a concept that is no longer appropriate for me to have in my life now, it makes me feel like shit. And prolongs maturity. It has served a purpose & now it has helped me come to terms with who I am. But, if I continue to hold onto such poor quality then it will begun to harm my progression further. By realising this stage of where I am, in my alchemy, I can actually let the issue of blame go. Perhaps, one day I will begin seeing them for who they are, & not what I have made them ? What is more poignant is that I want to get to know who I really am, & not be influenced by anyone anymore. Everything that I feel inside of me is mine & if it is not than it is not a big deal. In other words, I am owning up to my own issues & doing something responsible with them. The biggest issue has been finding my autonomy. I understand that I am alone, & that this is not to be feared. I arrived here alone, so it is time that I embraced maturity & also understood this fact that each & every one of us is completely alone. I am alone on my karmic path. Like a spaceman within his own time capsule, he functions to the best of his ability, & he is aware that he will someday leave here & arrive at another destination. A clear example of this fact can be found when we astral travel in dreams. All the great thinkers of our species have spoken of this ability that we possess, this capacity to fly through time & that we all possess it. I cannot see why it could not be utilised to return to another time. This is exactly the same process that takes place in our own lives when we have to keep repeating issues until we learn the lesson of them. So finding autonomy, away from our parents influence, is the biggest, most fundamental obstruction that each of us have. We have a duty to ourselves to burn through them & clear up our issues before we can progress to another place.
Krishnamurti, says that parents cloud the path of their children with their own values. This process of osmosis is exactly what I have been trying to speak about today. Parents values that no longer stand up to scrutiny. These are things that I do not want to hang onto. By being clouded for so long, I have`nt known who I am, or even what I stand for. Is it any wonder that very little lasting substance or value ever entered my life ? How could it, when I never had an inkling of what it was that I needed ? My value system was alien too me, I would just get glimpses of it, here & there, such as my home, & how luxurious it has become since I began decorating & adding my tastes to it. Tastes that represent who I am today. Comfortable things that I enjoy. I feel just as comfortable introducing new people into my life now. People that I am not afraid of. People that have the confidence to challenge & also show kindness towards me. I am no longer afraid to ask for help.
It is true to state that, as a rule, people, will not pay you a compliment. Therefore, it is important to be aware of symbolism in your life. How it speaks to you, expresses itself, & what it can give to help you cope with problems. This way one can get all the confirmation they need to sort things out, & see the direction life is taking, & will indeed take in your future. All this from personal symbolism, & on any path you happen to be on. What I have been able to ascertain for certain, & this is only recently, is that life's problems are progressive. Our sub-conscious mind functions as it does because it wants us to be the best we can be. The sub-conscious cannot function to it`s best with blockages ( issues ) in its way, so it will go back to the root of the issue & will you to clear it, so that it can get on with the job of delivering your success. It is up to you if you, or can deal with the clearing up of the issue. It can be as slow or as fast as one wants it to be. It is not natural to digress & become ill. If this were so, then everyone would strive to become ill & each consecutive generation would be taught to not live long. All this is, of course, is fairly obvious, but try feeling it in the midst of a depression, or the handling of sensations that a missing child brings, or adjusting to the loss of a brother. Things do get frightening, & they will, if they can, take you to the sheer limits of despair, & if one cannot handle the issue, death itself will rob you of your life. But it up to us how bad it gets. One only has to read Knut Hamsuns - Mysteries, to see how all this happens. Yet, things do not have to be this bad. Symbolism is a wonderful strategy for getting the best out of a situation. Wise men of older times spoke of synchronised patterns of development, that anyone can utilise at any one time to allow us to see what is actually taking place in our lives, & do something to bring about a change for the better. How many times have you seen a situation appear in front of you, then when compared to the problem, & pondered, eventually, shows the solution ? This is synchronicity. Bringing about all the many parts to show you the whole complete picture, & the future of the scenario, all in a moment. You can make the choice as to how you want to progress.This is something that, if you look intimately enough, has been running through your life, since the beginning.
Hey, thanks for reading, & supporting me.
Speak soon
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