After spending so long Friday on my blog concerning Migraines, I felt compelled to follow it up with another, perhaps shorter one. I do not know how this one will go, but I am realising this about myself ; I much prefer writing with this medium, as opposed to the more traditional one of journal & ink. I have been writing a journal since I was a student. Not feeling up too much these last few years I have tended to stay away from all modern forms of communications. In fact, I have noticed that since I began to convert my home into a time capsule from the late 1960s, I have begun simultaneously trying to embrace modern forms of communications, & with this has come the beauty of intimacy too. Speaking honestly, & with maturity, to many people, I am able to converse with clarity & confidence. This has brought about such improvement into my life.
This morning I received a date for an interview for a position that I applied for. It is only a short three month contract, but I think it is for the best that I do it. Not just for the usual reasons, money, etc, but because this is the new beginning that I have been looking so hard for. This is symbolic, as many dreams have been showing me that this is the beginning of new epoch. One that I have worked hard to achieve. Since I have asked for divine support to assist me in reaching my goal of starting a new career, I have found myself becoming very busy, learning & growing, in lower forms of work, but it is this that has enabled me to catch up with myself & beginning feeling like an average man again, but this time, with all the benefits that an advanced knowledge of spiritual awareness & managerial skills brings.
Since my last position ended three weeks ago it is true to report that I have been feeling rather lost. I knew the position was not right for me, that I deserved far better, but I did need to begin getting in from the sidelines & begin interacting with others again. This seemed like the easiest way to do it. Until I realised that I was struggling under the weight of ignorance there. I do not believe that it was unique to this particular work environment. It was just that where I have been doing other forms of training, & away from the workplace, for so long, I had raised my standards to a very high level. In other previous levels of work I had not been down this far before, & so when I saw how other people did my job I was shocked at the poor levels there. And they were accepted as normal. Working for 6 months with these people wore me down. They were causing me more problems than the public. These fellow workers were not all doing cartwheels around the living room, running around with there tongues hanging out, but I was noticing a massive, frightening culture of denial functioning there. And, this I felt was dangerous for me. I had very little place that I could go to too be heard. The last straw was being asked to do, what I considered to be just downright dangerous, things that nobody else seemed to be able to see the potential for trouble in. I had to leave.
Just before I had left, I sent an email into a friend, who happens to work there on ad-hoc basis. Explaining what on earth had been happening. He was shocked. Staggered were his words, in fact. Yet, I only told him about the last weekends malarkey, nothing of the whole catalogue of disasters that had been going on since I had begun working there. He explained that he would forward the email to a middle-manager. I left at this stage knowing what was going to happen. The middle manager did absolutely nothing. He let my friend down, & he let himself down. Showing my friend & I that he, like all the others, is a coward that cannot stand up to anyone. He just pretends too.
My friend sent the email in, thinking he was doing me a favour, & in his own naivety, failed to see how scared everyone is of their own position. His gullibility would not allow him to see that the immense denial functioning there. It simply oozes through the place. Neither could he see that the email would actually obstruct me from ever returning again, let alone anyone there hearing my despair. I knew that I was right in this belief because since then I have heard nothing from anyone. It did nothing to change anything, nor did it allow me to return to my duties. All that happened was that they employed someone else to take my place. I cannot say that I was surprised, but I did not think that it would of been this final.
This maybe an appropriate time to mention here the wisdom of the I-Ching. In icon 23, I think it is, the great sage talks of a certain process, whereby a foolish man, when he is within an environment of a lower standard than himself, but not used to it, will slowly, & quietly, fall prey to the slow degradation of his surroundings. Now this is true, for if we choose to spend our time with quality people we will raise our own standards considerably. The same is, of course, true if we do the opposite. But, what should happen if we choose to spend too much time alone ?
When I chose to return to work I knew that I had to start somewhere. This place ticked all the boxes, straight away, & it worked for around five months. I had to monitor myself considerably though. If I did not do this then I knew that I would become lost, as I had done before. All boundaries would be shot away & I would become fair game for abuse. So, I just kept myself going. It was hard to begin with. Just the shock at having to deal with such vitriolic verbal assaults upon me was enough, let alone seeing the drunken behaviour, it was stomach churning. All the while knowing that I had too earn a living & pay my bills. There had to be more. There had been more in the past, so it had to repeat itself again. Did`nt it ? As long as the money kept coming in I was`nt frightened. The I begun noticing after a few weeks, & near walk-outs I did begin to feel better than a lot of the people that I was encountering. This was a real boost for me, & like all starving men, craving a plate of sustenance, I devoured this feeling with considerable gusto. I was able to capitalise upon these growing confidence boosting feelings.
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