When anger leaves the body you know all about it.
I do not think that love is the emotion to be afraid of. I believe that anger is.
Yesterday after doing a few hours of volunteering I was confronted with a situation that enabled me, after a little soul searching, to realise that I no longer have the levels of suppressed anger inside of me that I once did. My back no longer aches, nor do my knees, & I cannot remember the last time I had a migraine, all because of one persons aggression toward me, in the thick of one of London`s finest festivals; Gay Pride.
I was shouted at by someone who was frustrated with me. I was helping out at the Temple duties, & would not allow a person to go somewhere. They screamed, hollered & shouted at me that they had been a devotee for forty years. I smiled, felt my masculine power, & upheld my decision. I set my boundaries, & felt no fear, no guilt. I felt like a man sitting in his arch knowing he has nothing to worry about, because he`s right. Although his behaviour, & energy, left me feeling vulnerable & confused, I could, at last, handle it, & cope with my own feelings. My first reaction was, of course, to protect myself, but not defend, as I once would of done. This was a new modus operandi for me, & one that I knew was going to leave me in good stead for the future. I had been put to the test & rose to it wonderfully.
The interacting I experienced yesterday has enabled me to gauge where I am at with my levels of maturity, & I honestly feel proud of how far I come on with regards to my relations with others. No longer do I feel afraid, or unworthy of being around others, like I am some kind of pariah, or ugly duckling, as I once used to. I am extremely proud of this new evolved feeling in me, because it means that the Nigredo, the depression, the fear & vulnerability is now over. That I can stand on my own feet, stick my head up & offer up depth & knowledge. I now know that I have something worthwhile to contribute. In effect, what this mean is that I can now begin getting back on with the business of living again, getting out there, & contributing, being effective, no longer shutting myself away wondering when the hell I could return to the life -force of society again.
This new realisation is leaving me elated, & I am grateful to the frustration of the devotee, for he has taught me the power of my own feelings of frustration, & it is this that has taught me that I am no longer angry, but just frustrated myself, & that`s natural. I can leave the past behind now, & embrace a new type of freedom.
My anger has been intense &, at times frightening, & its obstructed me from doing much. Its got in the way of truer emotions. Emotions that have wanted to speak to me, like love, tenderness, kindness, relating to others intimately. Its also left me feeling isolated & detached from others, leaving deeper feelings of angst & piling on the pressure to resolve emotions such as low-self worth & esteem, emotions that block a person from leading a healthy, more satisfying life. Like some kind of Alchemical professor working alone in his lab trying to fathom it all out alone, I have arrived at a stage where I can say, " you know, I think I`m now just a little frustrated, which is cool really because what that means is that I am no longer angry ".
Anger should be worked out alone. Its too dangerous an emotion to be left unmonitored. It cause many, many problems, that need not be spoken of here, but worst of all, anger causes an internal corrosion to slowly burn away all that is good & worthy in a person soul. Resolving anger should be completed alone, & it should take as long as it does, because when it resolved the feelings one of elation, recovered self-worth & esteem, & that means only one thing, that a person can begin re-claiming their lives. Taking ownership, & getting back to living fully again.
Yesterday, being in the thick of London`s finest, I was put to the test, & I am proud to report that I rose to the occasion brilliantly. There is nothing finer than knowing one you have completed a job, & done it to the best of your ability.
That is good enough.
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