After trying to find a relevant site that would enable me to align with others that could potentially help me confront my newly found issue, that has seen me block, or sabotage any success that has ever entered my life since I was young, I came across yours, & it really hit me hard.
Being, or rather feeling, thoroughly isolated & alone, for many years I took the chance to enter one of emergency services as an opportunity presented itself, three years ago, & in a nutshell, I completely sabotaged my career there. Even they did not want me to leave, but I did, & at the time, took great pleasure in ending it all. Now three years ago, I am totally broken by my decision. My life is not better, nor is it working, & I am deeply, deeply unhappy. That particular service will not accept me now. For two years I tried everything to return. I took courses, approached other services, got friendly with organisations, & people. Until recently, when I was accepted for an interview with another force. Out of 150 other candidates they chose 15, & I was one of them, for an interview & assessment. Sadly, I failed the interview, due to my nerves. Usually this would not of been an issue, but because of the amount of pressure that I had heaped upon myself, due to what I had been through, I failed at the very last hurdle. Now, I can reapply in September, for another go.
For the last year I have slowly begun building up an on-line vinyl record business. After a slow start it begun to take off, & the money flowed in, better quality records I was able to acquire for stock, until recently when I began losing interest, & advertising pretty poor quality records, not the sort that previous dealers were purchasing from me. Naturally, they abandoned me in droves, & last week I scraped in a little less than £50.00. Not good.
For the last three months I have been using a brain entrainment product that really began to improve my life. My ability to write shot through the roof, & my confidence, & life took on a new hue. So, I decided to purchase the rest of the product & set about really allowing this system to do the job that previous years of meditation has not been able to do. Well, it has begun seriously digging up very deep seated issues that go right the way back to the beginning, & it seems as though they are all rooted in shame, or self loathing. Clearly, the system has brought all this up, as yesterday I felt pretty good, but I am not blaming the system, just the shock that all this coming up now.
The small business has been good, but the lack of interaction with others, & the isolation that it has been causing is tremendous, so I have begun to come away from it a little by introducing other external elements into my life, because I have been afraid that unchecked it could have a further deteriorating effect upon my life. As I am alone, & with very few to communicate with, I can seen that my life has become somewhat detached from any kind of conformity or normality, & it is now disturbing me. Whereas once it was a great privilege for me to have such isolation to work upon myself, now I am far stronger, it is fast becoming a boon, & must be stopped now. I am hesitant to call this a depression, because I have been through one of those in the past, & it really isn`t the same thing.
My younger brother fifteen years ago, was hit & killed by hit & run driver. The loss & pain at having him torn from my life left me bewildered, & in a deep shock for many years. The accident took a long time to come to terms with, & naturally it changed my life. I never took medication, only Psychotherapy, & then, later on, I found Buddhism. I went back to University as a post Graduate student to actually study Psychotherapy, then later Psychoanalysis. The persuasions taught me to cope effectively, as best I could, so the least I could in honour of them, was to teach myself its art. It has helped me to understand many things about myself, the universe & the laws that govern us as we travel along this path.
Buddhism has taught me as much too. I have an incredible amount of respect for it, & the thought of never being without, well, does not enter my head. I have meditated for years, & since finding out about the Brain Evolution System, it has been the main solid thing in my life. Like a steel rod that runs from one end of me to the next, Buddhism is solid, dependable, & teaches me everything about who I am, & am becoming. I drift away from it, but always I return. I look into other faiths, but back to me ( Buddha ) I will always return. Buddha said; For the man who does not discriminate he may as well be dead. I guess that sums up my feelings about Buddhism on some level.
My younger brother fifteen years ago, was hit & killed by hit & run driver. The loss & pain at having him torn from my life left me bewildered, & in a deep shock for many years. The accident took a long time to come to terms with, & naturally it changed my life. I never took medication, only Psychotherapy, & then, later on, I found Buddhism. I went back to University as a post Graduate student to actually study Psychotherapy, then later Psychoanalysis. The persuasions taught me to cope effectively, as best I could, so the least I could in honour of them, was to teach myself its art. It has helped me to understand many things about myself, the universe & the laws that govern us as we travel along this path.
Buddhism has taught me as much too. I have an incredible amount of respect for it, & the thought of never being without, well, does not enter my head. I have meditated for years, & since finding out about the Brain Evolution System, it has been the main solid thing in my life. Like a steel rod that runs from one end of me to the next, Buddhism is solid, dependable, & teaches me everything about who I am, & am becoming. I drift away from it, but always I return. I look into other faiths, but back to me ( Buddha ) I will always return. Buddha said; For the man who does not discriminate he may as well be dead. I guess that sums up my feelings about Buddhism on some level.
My writing enables me to relieve the pressure, as I find it cathartic. I also write this Blog, just sharing my thoughts & feelings with others, & I have recently began contacting magazines for advice on how to get started writing articles, mainly on music or psychology, so I am not sure how that will go, but it is important for me to say that I am trying to move on now. I am not just sitting around wishing I could change things any more, I`m really trying now
It is very difficult to come away from the very serious issues that have surrounded my progression, that have inflicted so much misery upon my career & life style choices, but I can see that it has been a low self esteem, along with low self worth too. These two terribly unresolved issues have been the culprits, & at last it seems as though they are, at last, now under control. Hopefully, soon, I will be able to completely eradicate them through confronting inner fear, which is rooted in my childhood neglect.
For another time.
It is very difficult to come away from the very serious issues that have surrounded my progression, that have inflicted so much misery upon my career & life style choices, but I can see that it has been a low self esteem, along with low self worth too. These two terribly unresolved issues have been the culprits, & at last it seems as though they are, at last, now under control. Hopefully, soon, I will be able to completely eradicate them through confronting inner fear, which is rooted in my childhood neglect.
For another time.
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